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100 Blessings
- Thread starter ~ Gig ~
- Start date
Two men are digging a ditch in the hot sun one summer day. After digging and working laberously for a long time one man looks up to spot his boss sitting under a shade tree drinking a glass of water. The man who noticed his lazy boss elbowed his partner and asked, " Why does he get to sit over there and do nothing while we have to dig this hole?" the first man asked. His friend replied "I don't know, why don't you go ask him?" and began digging again. After another hour of pondering the subject and sweating drops of anger the first man climbed out of the hole and marched over to his boss who was leaning against the tree now watching his employees. The ditch digger walked up to his boss and, trying not to sound to hateful, asked, " How come you get to sit over here in the shade while we have to dig that hole?" the boss pipped up and replied, " Intelligence." The ditchdigger looked around as if to find it somewhere then asked his boss, " whats intelligence?" The boss laid his hand on the tree and told the ditch digger to punch it as hard as he could. He rared back and took a mighty swing and just before impact the boss removed his hand. The ditch digger was comforting his hand when the boss said, "thats intelligence." The ditch digger walked over to the hole to help his budd. "What did he say?" asked his friend. The first ditch digger explained to him that the boss said it was intelligence. "Whats that?" asked his friend. The first man placed his hand on his face and told his friend, " hit my hand as hard as you can with that shovel." 
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Good joke all4one, it put a smile on my face
.
Cute Tranquillity .
Anyone else want to try?
.Cute Tranquillity
.Anyone else want to try?
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- Mar 23, 2004
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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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BarbaraJean
You took the fall and thought of me, above all!
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isaiah5213
Bury Me With a Sword in my Hand
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i don't want a hundred blessings, but i love to hear jokes...
"momma, can i have a red bicycle for Christmas?" the little boy asked...
the momma looked at the little boy. she knew he hadn't been very good. but she thought she could help him...
"go upstairs, and write a note to santa, and tell him if you have been a good boy, and write a note asking him for a bicycle and we will see what he says or does.."
so the little boy goes upstairs, and he writes his first note:
"dear santa. i have been a really good boy this year, please give me a red bicycle for christmas. signed bobby."
he reads his first note. he smiles. he frowns. that's not true.. and santa must know it... hmmm he tears up his first note.
he writes his second note:
"dear santa. i have been a pretty good boy this year. please give me a red bicycle for christmas."
this makes him feel better. he was a little honest. he reads it. well, not that honest.. hmmm. he tears it up.
"dear santa. i couldv'e done better, i know. but if you give me a red bicycle, i promise i will be a good boy."... and that is not good.. we wads it up. he stares at the paper. he writes "can you give me a bicycle anyway??" no no no that won't do..
he stares out the window. he smiles.. he goes out the door of his room, he runs down the stairs. he flies by his mom and runs out the door & down the street to the church. he walks quietly in. he goes down the row, he sees the nativity scene of animals, of wise men, shephards, mary and joseph over the baby in the manger.... and he grabs the mother mary and runs down the aisle,out the door of the church, and runs home & in the door and up the stairs to his room...
he sits down and writes his last letter:
"dear jesus.
i got your momma. you make sure santa gives me a red bicycle for Christmas or ELSE!"
"momma, can i have a red bicycle for Christmas?" the little boy asked...
the momma looked at the little boy. she knew he hadn't been very good. but she thought she could help him...
"go upstairs, and write a note to santa, and tell him if you have been a good boy, and write a note asking him for a bicycle and we will see what he says or does.."
so the little boy goes upstairs, and he writes his first note:
"dear santa. i have been a really good boy this year, please give me a red bicycle for christmas. signed bobby."
he reads his first note. he smiles. he frowns. that's not true.. and santa must know it... hmmm he tears up his first note.
he writes his second note:
"dear santa. i have been a pretty good boy this year. please give me a red bicycle for christmas."
this makes him feel better. he was a little honest. he reads it. well, not that honest.. hmmm. he tears it up.
"dear santa. i couldv'e done better, i know. but if you give me a red bicycle, i promise i will be a good boy."... and that is not good.. we wads it up. he stares at the paper. he writes "can you give me a bicycle anyway??" no no no that won't do..
he stares out the window. he smiles.. he goes out the door of his room, he runs down the stairs. he flies by his mom and runs out the door & down the street to the church. he walks quietly in. he goes down the row, he sees the nativity scene of animals, of wise men, shephards, mary and joseph over the baby in the manger.... and he grabs the mother mary and runs down the aisle,out the door of the church, and runs home & in the door and up the stairs to his room...
he sits down and writes his last letter:
"dear jesus.
i got your momma. you make sure santa gives me a red bicycle for Christmas or ELSE!"
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The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain...
- Nov 6, 2004
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A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin.
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin.
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S
Silent_J
Guest
Mine are way better.
Seperated from his group, a tourist wanderd the Sahara desert in search for water. Along the way, he saw a nomad, and ran to him, begging for water.
"I'm sorry sir, but all I can give you are these ties."
Angered, the man ran off. After a while, the man spied another nomad.
"please, give me some water," he begged.
"sorry sir, but all I have are these ties."
The man, although weak, runs off unhappily.
After an hour, the weakening saw a hotel in the distance. using all his strength, he pulls himself to the door an gasps at the doorman, "PLease give me some water!"
"I'm sorry sir " the door man said" but we dont let anyone in without a tie."
Seperated from his group, a tourist wanderd the Sahara desert in search for water. Along the way, he saw a nomad, and ran to him, begging for water.
"I'm sorry sir, but all I can give you are these ties."
Angered, the man ran off. After a while, the man spied another nomad.
"please, give me some water," he begged.
"sorry sir, but all I have are these ties."
The man, although weak, runs off unhappily.
After an hour, the weakening saw a hotel in the distance. using all his strength, he pulls himself to the door an gasps at the doorman, "PLease give me some water!"
"I'm sorry sir " the door man said" but we dont let anyone in without a tie."
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Username:
The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain...
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Top This Silent_j
Getting Into Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!" When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia
Getting Into Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!" When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked. "Love." The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven. About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," the woman told him. "Which word?" her husband asked. "Czechoslovakia
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Rachel Elizabeth
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"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Orange"
"Orange who?"
"Orange 'ya glad I stopped by?"
I know it's totally stupid!
"Who's there?"
"Orange"
"Orange who?"
"Orange 'ya glad I stopped by?"
I know it's totally stupid!
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- Jun 29, 2004
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A married couple married MANY years came upon
a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make
a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the
well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment
but then smiled, "Wow! It really works!!!"
a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make
a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the
well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment
but then smiled, "Wow! It really works!!!"
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If Biblical Headlines were written byToday's Liberal Media
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
Full list at http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/liberalheadlines.htm
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
Full list at http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/liberalheadlines.htm
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