A two year old and temper tantrums

Does he get enough sleep? I notice my kids are much more prone to that when they are tired. Also, he gets feedback when he whines, I tell my 3 year old that I will answer him when he drops the whiny voice and asks in his regular voice. He will almost always correct the whining and we then go from there. Also, your guy is two and is trying to learn the boundaries. That will always lead to some frustration and temper tantrums.

May I suggest a really tried and true tool that is made *just for you*??

"The Strong-willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson - it has been around a long long time and it's wisdom and help have been proven with many many children - it is Bible and common-sense based

Shalom HaBayit (peace in the home)
Henaynei

I can completely relate with you on this, his blood for my sins. Right now my two and three year olds are really giving me a difficult time. I feel all the time that their behavior is because I’m failing as their mother. The thing that makes it worse is being in a store during the temper tantrums and people are flashing the dirty looks, trying to rub in the feelings of failure. They really get to me. You’re doing yourself a big favor by ignoring them. I need to do my best to ignore them too.

If this is any consolation to you, my five year old used to be the epitome of the terrible twos. He acted like he didn’t even care to learn the meaning of the word, no! As far as spankings, they didn’t even faze him. For a few years, I was very scared and felt like I had a real problem on my hands. Finally, he broke of the bad behavior. He still has his moments of misbehaving as do most children, but he’s turned into a sweet, loving boy who’s very concerned about making his parents proud of him.

You’re giving your son the greatest gift a mother can give her child. Your love and devotion to him and your utmost concern he grows to become a happy healthy young man. He will break of this very difficult stage and will grow to appreciate you for all you are, his mom.



PS: maybe to help with the store screaming, have you thought of taking a sippy cup or bottle(my two year old refuses to give up the bottle), a little bag of snacks or one of his beloved toys?

*sigh*

I am going through it too...

Just a few hours ago, my almost two year old son and Daddy and I were eating dinner at a buffet-style family restaurant for Daddy's birthday. My son screamed every time I got up, and by the time Daddy got dessert, he was screaming, crying, trying to get up, and being very obnoxious. I was sick at my stomach and didn't know what to do. A little boy maybe a few months older than my son was a few tables over sitting calmlt with his mom and dad, actually eating things other than crackers, while the pile of carrots and assorted foods under our table grew at an alarming rate.

Eventually I just packed him off and put him in the car to scream his guts out where he wouldn't bother anybody. In my mind were visions of that woman smacking her 4 year old in the car that was videotaped and shown all over the media a year or two ago.

I have honestly been having the mommy guilt as well as the worry that something is wrong with him. Like maybe he will have ADDHD or something. That and feeling bad about dreading having to take my toddler anywhere in public. He is fine in the stores, etc as long as he is contained in a cart or stroller. But how will he ever learn to deal with other people, their property, and good behavior if I have to keep him chained in all the time?

I am definitely picking up the Dobson book. Of course Matt will probably tear the pages out and hit me with it.

Oh, help!!!

hisbloodformysins said:

I have a two year old who has temper tantrums and whines all day long.

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What is he getting out of these tantrums? What you want to do here is what behaviorists call "extinguishing a behavior." Usually temper tantrums and whining are attention-seeking behavior. When my little one has a temper tantrum (and they all do), I ignore him completely until it's over. As soon as the tantrum stops, I hug him and talk to him. I might even offer to give him what it was he was having a fit about, but I never give it to him while he's having the fit. But any conditions stand.

F'rinstance, I tell him he can't go to the park until after lunch. He starts whining and I try to talk to him and explain we can go to the park, just after lunch. If he calms down and eats lunch, well and good. If he launches into a tantrum, I'll go make lunch and ignore him. Once the fit passes (from exhaustion, if nothing else) I'll go give him a hug and ask him if he wants to eat lunch so we can go to the park. Usually, I'll get a teary, "Okay." Then we eat lunch and head for the park. Occassionally, he'll start up the tantrum again and the process repeats itself.

For the whining, try to get him to use words. You might also try telling him that he can have what he wants if he "asks nicely". I'm also especially prompt and helpful for any request that includes the word "please". Be patient with this one and reward effort; sometimes they just can't keep a bit of a wimper out of the voice.

Keep in mind that two-year-olds have few internal controls. They're acting almost entirely on impulse and have great difficulty waiting for anything. Punishment is not much use because he's not thinking that far ahead. Frankly, he's trying to figure out how best to manipulate you. If he learns that he can get his way by crying and screaming, you're in for some very unpleasant times.

Be careful reading Dr. James Dobson. I have carried out research into discipline in the past and have seen people destroy their children after reading these books.

We have 2 sons - one 5 who was particularly strong willed and the other just turned 2 and tfar calmer - but the whining and tantrums seem to be starting as he tests his boundaries.

Doc Dobson has been a good sounding board for us - but we do not use him to the exception of all else. You really have to take advice from a number of sources and see what works for you. We've found Dobson to be consistently useful in our situation.

Yes - I think there is a natural tendency for 2 y.o. to test boundaries and find ut exactly how they can function in the dynamics of the family. One needs to work through his and determinewhen are boundaries been tested - and then stick to them. Also - which battles are ok to retreat on - and which are the must wins and never give ups. The restaurant is probably one that you need to win - but at the expense of some personal embarresment unfortunately. For all their "wart" they are absolute blessings. I just wonder what we were like as 2 y.o.'s?

Tantrums and whining at age two are not manipulative. You shouldn't let them make you feel bad, or create a combative situation or a power struggle between you and your child. I'm always afraid that the whole parenting-manual language of "limit-setting" and "testing boundaries" tends to set families up for conflict. Really, you and your child are on the same side! You both want him to master his environment. The struggle for control isn't you-against-him; it's you and he together against the world!

The very high growth-rate in two-year-olds puts them under a lot of stress. Their bodies change and become awkward as they learn to manage their new bigger bones and muscles. Their nerves grow and become irritable as they learn to process more signals. Their understanding grows and something that's impossible one day is possible the next -- or worse, still impossible but desirable! Their blood-sugar levels can soar suddenly and crash just as suddenly. Most two-year-old tantrums are simply melt-downs due to all the stress of being two. (Manipulative tantrums are much rarer than many young parents think, and never manifest until a child has a much more sophisticated understanding of the parent-child relationship than a two-year-old is capable of.)

Should you ignore your whiny or tantrumming child? Consider this scenario: my child comes in with a bloody skinned knee. Do I say "first stop bleeding on my carpet, and then I'll give you a bandaid"? Of course not! Whininess is two-year-old language for "I need attention" -- so why would you withold attention until after your toddler stops needing it?

You don't have to -- and probably shouldn't -- give whatever material indulgence he's whining for. But it might help to take two full minutes for an all-out mommy-snuggle and some sympathy. Less of the "you can <fill in the blank> when you ask nicely" and more of "you really want that, don't you. And you feel mad that you can't have it right away, right? I'm sad that things are upsetting you."

Tantrums and whining at age two are not manipulative.

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That has to be the funniest thing I've heard/read today!

Should you ignore your whiny or tantrumming child? Consider this scenario: my child comes in with a bloody skinned knee. Do I say "first stop bleeding on my carpet, and then I'll give you a bandaid"?

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There is a huge difference between bloody knees and "I want marshmallows and you gave me cheerios". lol

Sheesh, am I the only woman in the world who really does have a child who throws fits for silly reasons? lol Kids are selfish, they want what they want and when they want it. Of course there are going to be conflicts. Not everything is a terribly deep issue.


Have a blessed day!

*hugs for all mommies of toddlers*

Alright, I'll share a few of my tricks, and leave off the advice for once.

We have a "crying corner" in the house. Whenever the tantrums start, they go to the corner. They can scream and cry and whine as much as they want while they're in the corner, but they can only come out when the tantrum stops. They make the decision on their own when they're ready to calm down. Once they calm down, then we can talk about why they were upset and how we can fix that. I haven't had to use this on my oldest in a LONG time, but my 3 year old is there quite often.

Another trick of ours...anytime the girls go shopping with us, they're allowed 1 small treat. But they only get this treat if they behave while we're shopping. If they behave badly, the treat goes back on the shelf. Now, call it bribery of you like, but it works.

Also, realize how BORING the grocery store is for kids. Involve them in the grocery shopping, let them help find the things you need. If they feel like they're helping you, they're usually happy as can be. Or talk to them, tell them stories, sing songs with them...anything to keep them entertained.

That being said, I have had maybe 3 or 4 instances of tantrums in the grocery store in my girls' lives. They just don't do it...and if they do, it's usually because they're tired or sick.

Don't set your kids up to fail...plan your grocery shopping around their schedule so you're not taking a 2 year old into the store right at his nap time or bed time. Plan trips in the morning or in the afternoon after naptime. And if a lollipop will keep your child happy and calm so you can get your shopping done, then give him one.

As for WHY they throw tantrums...well, after reading so much about your marital issues, you MUST realize that you're child is affected by that tremendously. It's so stressful for children who have no concept of relationships to see their parents fight and argue. Even if it's unspoken, don't you think he's picking up on the tension between the two of you? He doesn't have the words to express how that makes him feel...scared, unsafe, etc. Put yourself in his 2 year old shoes and imagine how you might feel.

Okay, so there's a little bit of advice there, I guess.

Love, Heather

My daughter is almost 4 and she does the same thing (whining, temper tantrums, etc.) She is extremely strong willed and very bright for her age so she's a handful.

Two major things we have found that cause her to misbehave are TV and sugar. I'm not one of these "all TV is evil" parents, but in our case the less she watches, the better she acts. Even if she were to watch an hour of Veggie Tales, she starts ignoring us and/or disobeying. I've always been pretty permissive about what she eats (within reason) but lately we've been going for healthier snack alternatives and that has helped too. She's a great kid, but when she gets on a tear it's like the wrath of khan at our house.

As far as the grocery store, here is what works for me. She's big into making things match, so when we're about to check out, we always end up standing next to a big candy bar display. I'll grab a variety of candy bars and ask her to put them where they belong, and she's so occupied by this she normally forgets about trying to sneak one in the basket.

That's a clever idea to keep her busy. We often have ours help in the self scan and bag aisles. yes, it takes longer sometimes, but they are excited to be helping out.

I agree with pmcleanj that your baby is probably not trying to manipulate you. In fact, I've found that it is always a good rule of thumb to deal with behavior, but to assume the best about my child's intentions. He is whining because he does not know how to do any better -- not because he has it in for you. He is in an akward place developmentally (sort of like teenagers are) between babyhood and being a child. Its a difficult and tiring transition. We found that our children needed predictability and security in this phase -- routines they can count on. Healthy foods, frequently. Not too much stimulation but plenty of time and space to run around and explore. And most of all, they need the confidence that mommy and daddy are going to "keep it together" emotionally, even when they feel like falling apart.

I use the phrase, "I can listen to you when you use a big boy voice," however, my children are older, and I don't think it would have been as effective when they were 2 years old. A two year old really doesn't understand how he is coming accross to others.

I am going through this right now as my daughter is 22 months old..I just walk off and ignore her..it eventually stops...then after it is over I get on her eye level and talk to her in a calm voice..as got pitching fits in public..that has not happened to me yet..I am sure it is coming LOL!!! I am like heathaerjay..I take her out when I know her mood is good..I do not take her out at baedtime ot naptime..unless I just ahve to..I also think about why she might be having a bad day sometimes..like she is cutting teeth or it is close to naptime..etc..

hisbloodformysins said:

Thanks, you both had some good points in your posts. You see, it partly is tiredness- since I've cut him from his crib, he's been sleeping where he wants when he wants. I've let him do this partly out of guilt because he won't sleep on his toddler bed, but on the floor in his room, and I believe it's more comforting to him to just fall asleep in the living room. Thank God he's been delivering me from some unneeded guilt lately. Both my hubby and I have decided to start making him take regular naps again, and are finding that the bloody murder screaming doesn't really last all that long.

As for the grocery store story, I certainly can relate, and I'm sure that it has really annoyed some fellow shoppers. But today I didn't care, my thought was- let them leave the isle if they don't like it- this way they'll be out of my way because there were more ppl than I cared for in that isle anyways. But my son is extremely loud, and extremely willful compared to a lot of other children it seems, ever since he was born. I've heard some baby cries that are nothing in comparison to my son's cry. And that seems that that is all he does in the store, from the moment we step in, until the moment we leave. He cries because he doesn't get his way. But what makes me feel bad is that I feel like we are refusing him what he wants all day long, and it makes me wonder about how good of parents we are. Does anyone else experiance this guilt? And we don't want to give in to his crying because we don't want him to learn to manipulate, so today I encouraged my hubby to instead of being solid and let my son cry it out- which he just doesn't quit- he instructed him to ask nicely like "chips please" and as soon as he calmed down a little bit and said "chips please" while all tremory after crying his lungs out for a while, we gave him the chips- I guess this seems like it is less of a power issue, and more of a lesson. Maybe that's what we need to start doing. And we're discovering that when he's having one of his temper tantrums, that putting him in time out for a couple minutes, and after he's calmed, seems to quiet him much more, plus turns out that a lot of times he really is just tired, and willful. I admit, we do sometimes respond in anger, I threaten him all the time with spankens- and he's learned what they are, more so from daddy than me, and sometimes it'll work LOL. I'm starting to realize this is normal. Sometimes I wonder if a neighbor is going to call the police on us because it seems he is crying and screaming bloody murder almost all day. Thanks for responding.

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I am soooo understanding what you are going through. I have a very strong willed child. He is three but he has been terrible two's since 2 mos! I figure it's ok to a certain point because he is the youngest of 4 boys (12, 11, & 8) that's where God put him and that's OK. I gained alot of insight from a book by Cynthia Tobias. She was interviewed by Dr. Dobson and he admitted that he did not agree with all she had to say but that parents would find it helpful. One of the main points, that helped me the most, was how your strong willed child can be strong willed for the right things if trained up in the way he should go. It's our job as parents to give him what he needs to use this strong will gift (that's right...gift) in the right way and learn how to teach him.

I don't even pretend to do everything right...but I'm learning new ways every day. Things that work for some people don't work for others. You have to try different things (giving them more than one shot to know if it works...sometimes they hang tough for the first showdown...but they'll know you mean business if you pull the same gun out for the next showdown). Anyway, my son happens to do better in the store when he's not in the shopping cart...but he doesn't know the meaning of getting something at the store. Even when we do pick something up for him and he is there we sneak it into the cart. He has no idea that he can actually get things in the store. Once we get to the car there might be a bag of m&m's comming his way for being a good boy...but that comes from us not the store. That's just something we've done since he was a baby...so it might not help you much now. But, if you are at the store...and he does well maybe sneek a snack to him once you're in the car. This has been a really good routine for us. As far as fits in public places...walking away and saying 'see you when you're done' has worked wonders for me. I don't even have to take two steps away from him in the library before he's getting up, wipping his tears away, and saying "Oh...Ok". But, he is also shy...so being left alone is a major fear for him. I can't promise it will work for your situation.
Naps?...did you say naps? My son won't take a nap...never has and probably only will when he's sick! What I would give for a nap! We broke our son of the crib early and did it much the same way you have. He sleeps on the couch and can't stand his bed. He loves his bedroom...and even without the toys in there he still would play in there during the day or night. But sleep only seems to happen on the couch. Everyonce in a while he comes into bed with us but that doesn't last too long and he's pretty good at going back out to the couch when we tell him he can't sleep with us (there's just not enough room and he kicks his feet when he's falling asleep...woke my husband up the hard way one night! ). I think I've pretty much taken care of two birds with one stone though. Now, when he is throwing a fit about something I tell him (calmly) to go to my bed. He hates it! I figure that won't be a bad thing...right? I have to stay close...he will try to sneak out. This is not the normal time out. I don't set a time...he holds onto things forever. As long as he is making his tantrum noises (I can't even try to explain what they sound like) he stays in that bed. If he gets out i tell him to get his butt back in there or be nice. If he's not ready he'll usually say, "no, nice"...and I say get back in there. Eventually he'll say my name all nice and sweet, wipe his tears away, I'll ask him if he's ready to be nice, he'll say OK or yes, and he is ready to do as asked. I guess this was just the way to get to his soft spot. He needed to know I meant business and I would not back down or give in and that I was willing to stop doing the dishes or mopping the floor to follow through (I still do something else while he is in the bed...but he is learning that I have eyes in the back of my head...I'm really listening to hear if he is leaving the bed and I don't let a toe hit the floor before telling him I know what he's up to). It also gives him a chance to get himself under control and then it gives me a chance to talk to him like a 'normal' child. We have only been doing this for a week and this child is doing a terrific job! It hasn't taken as much to stop the tantrum within the last three days.

Oh...and spankings...we had the strangest thing happen with spankings. He'd get a swat on the butt when he was in a tantrum and he'd get so mad at that (on top of whatever else he was having a fit about) that he would yell and actually started smacking himself on the butt (actually he could only reach his leg)! I think it was something like a baby dare. I wondered if he wasn't trying to tell us that he didn't care if we did spank him. I still have no clue about that reaction. but...the spankings most definatly did not work for us. My husband still tries to use them...but it seems to add more to the fire than it's worth. I'm still a spanking advocate...but this boy is the most different child I have ever met.

Sorry to go on so long...hope it helps in someway...even if only to let you know there are others who are at there wits end. All we can do is keep plodding along and pray alot for whatever it is that we are supposed to do for our children. The good Lord knew what this child needed and that's why He gave him to you! I just keep wondering if the Lord thought highly of me in some way to give me this responsibility or if He just knew I had a lot to learn. I'd bet on the second!