My mom again and the drama she causes

My mom often times doesn't understand my bipolar symptoms. I am also introverted. But, I babble through written word. Will be praying for you! Good luck

I think you need to have some distance and space from your mother until the two of you can come to an understanding of each other and you both can have more patience.

Her abusive behavior is unacceptable, but I've also seen some abusive behavior from you based on things you have posted in other discussions.

You criticize people a lot, call them names, and want harsher discipline for a small child. I can imagine you learned at least some of this from your mother. You know it is wrong, you complain when it happens to you, and as an adult you are still behaving that way also.

Also, being Autistic you likely have low tolerance for things that don't fit within your expectations, routine, or inside your comfort needs. I've worked with a lot if Autistic people and one of my kids is on the spectrum. Having Autism isn't a free pass to mistreat people, verbally or otherwise. Accountability is a part of helping people on the spectrum. You need to learn to manage your Autism without being harsh towards others. People do not have to be nice to you when you mistreated them just because you're on the spectrum.

Should you be yelled at or hit? NO!

Should they tell you that your behavior is rude to them and hurt their feelings? Absolutely, yes.

If your mom tries to talk to you, and you can't answer yet, come up with a signal or something easy for you to say that will indicate to her that you heard her and are processing and will respond when you can. There are ways you can cope with this that can be good for both of you, but you both have to be willing to try.

Both of you have feelings and needs that matter. Until you both will accept that and respect each other, this is going to remain a difficult situation.

You want understanding and patience for yourself, but you don't want others to have that, including your mother. You don't want yourself or your boyfriend to be judged, you complain about your mother being judgemental, and yet you openly judge other people, including a small child.

It is selfish and hypocritical to claim accommodation and understanding for yourself, but not want to give it to others.

You are right that abuse of adults who are disabled is illegal. It is also illegal to abuse the elderly. You're mother is also going through things that are probably part of the aging process. Often times as we age our behaviors or attitudes become worse or more blatant than they were when we are younger, and it can be more difficult to be patient. She might very well lack understanding, which may or may not be her fault. Regardless, she is where ever she is at, for whatever reason she is.

You want accomodations, mercy, grace, compassion, understanding, and patience. Your mother probably does, too. Neither one of you deserves it any more or less than the other.

I think you and your mother are both toxic to each other. I recommend getting professional help to navigate your relationship with your mother so that the two of you don't hurt each other, verbally or otherwise. If this can't be accomplished, then I think you need to stay away for the sake of both of your wellbeing.

JacquelineDeane55 said:

I mentioned before elsewhere on this forum that I am autistic. As a result, I sometimes am quiet and I don't speak.

Oh, I can talk if I want to, but I have times where I am quiet and I don't talk at all because of heavy introversion. I view my introversion as a curse that is a byproduct of my autism unfortunately.

I feel misunderstood by my mom when I visit her. Yes, she knows I am autistic, but I still feel like she doesn't treat me right or honor my needs/challenges.

This morning she caused a tiny bit of drama again. We were going to go for a walk together and she asked me a question and I didn't answer her right away and she got agitated, raised her voice at me, and told me she thought I was "very rude" for not answering her right away.

*Deep sigh* I have explained to her many, many times to no avail that I don't always answer her right away NOT because I am being rude, but because I am autistic and introverted. But I don't feel like she gets it at all. Or its me she doesn't get.

And then she drew her hand back and acted like she was going to strike me across the face! She didn't though. If she had, I would have called the police and had her charged with assault.

I'm tired of her crap. I don't really know why some people make a big deal out of things like she does. Why do they take things so seriously? They need to be more chill and relaxed like I usually am.

I just want to be accepted for who and what I am (even if I am different), not be judged for it. If I am going to be judged by people for my more quiet character traits, then why should I interact with them at all?

I have admittedly been avoiding her as of late. It has been helping me some, but sometimes our paths intersect and I have to talk to her anyway.

Why does she want to talk to an autistic person if she can't handle a little silence from him/her every now-and-then? Clearly it rubs her the wrong way because it causes her to become agitated.

Any advice on how to properly deal with difficult people? Yeah, I think she is being difficult...

Abusing/harming disabled people in the United States is illegal by the way. (Yeah, I live in America -- I'm from Alabama.) So if she ever were to try and harm me in some way, I could just tell the police that she was discriminating against me because I am disabled. That would really make her look bad.

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You complain a lot about your mother. I think you have issues with understanding her as well and I pray that the Lord grants you some clarity and discernment. Our parents are not around forever.

I am also autistic and I put up with that from my mother and aunt. My aunt especially would get angry at me if I didn't answer her immediately. I hated that. They are both dead now. I agree, let her know that you are thinking of an answer. She needs more patience with you.

Whatever you water will grow whether it's good or bad. I think the bulk of your problem is a lack of connections. You never mention friends or people you spend time with other than your mother and male friend. Given your age that's pretty empty and the probable reason she gets under your skin so much.

Everyone has irritations but they don't end up on a forum. You're posting here because you don't have an ear and need some friends. What would your life look like if that wasn't the case? What would you be doing if you had people to spend time with?

The greatest mark of maturity is silence. When you don't bring it up or rush to tell someone because it's minor. Start a gratitude practice or do Ann Voskamp's Joy Dares. Force yourself to see the good in life and it will change your attitude.

If you want your relationship to improve with your mother you need to pray. Here's a 21 day challenge you can do for you both.

~bella

I am not autistic, but I am an introvert and often misunderstood by others.

I lost the long post I started to you! I'm so sorry. And my computer is acting crazy!
Love and prayers.

JacquelineDeane55 said:

Why does she want to talk to an autistic person if she can't handle a little silence from him/her every now-and-then? Clearly it rubs her the wrong way because it causes her to become agitated.

Any advice on how to properly deal with difficult people? Yeah, I think she is being difficult...

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Little children can be just as hard to handle and deal with, but if we apply the same principles to people who act just the same as a small child, we can sometimes find the strength, patience and love that will be necessary to bear whatever frustration they are causing within us. I have had some interesting episodes where I realized I was overlooking this fact when dealing with some particular people, and it makes everything much harder when we see other people in a way where we expect them to be more than they are.

Sometimes people just don't have the capacity to understand what we think they should understand. I've put some heavy expectations on people in the past, far heavier than they could handle truly and am learning like we all are. They simply aren't as aware as we think, and sometimes we just have to be tolerant more so and realize people are not just imperfect, but very imperfect. As imperfect as we are, and sometimes more so.

I suppose what I mean is everyone needs love, and sometimes... they need a lot more love and patience than we thought. If we can find the love in our heart, then we can be stronger in our tolerance of their quirks or even rudeness, can communicate what we think they should understand because we realize they might not understand, and can select our words more carefully so that we can say even hard things with a gentle touch.

JacquelineDeane55 said:

Maybe it is my autism that causes me to not understand social cues or other things too well, or how to relate to people very well, or even how to have a proper conversation and express or explain myself -- I don't know, I am not making excuses for myself, but I am kind of shocked and appalled by the answers that I got here. I admit it hurt my feelings and made me cry.

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Try not to be too hurt by it. People tend to take our frustrations and venting as if we mean harm to others sometimes. I think they were trying to help, even if it feels like judgment. Even if they are judging you or being very harsh and are wrong, I can tell you that God isn't. Matter of fact, I know He was crying with you and feeling your pain while you were. He is with you and has only love even when we miss the mark.

I don't think you meant any harm either in your strong expressions. Just seems like some intense frustration and feeling trapped by it maybe, which can really drive us a bit crazy.

JacquelineDeane55 said:

What is my personal life at home really like? Well, its generally peaceful and quiet all the time. There is lack of noise. This helps me to thrive in a really stable environment. I am not a musician or a construction worker or anything like that, so I generally have this peaceful and quiet stability/tranquility all the time, actually. Maybe having it so much has spoiled me rotten and I have gotten used to the stability that I have.

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I think you might be right about that.

I've had this experience at times, where the environment shift can be a little shocking and frustrate us when moving from calm into chaotic or quiet into loud and noisy. I came to the same conclusion, that I had been spoiled a bit by my blessing of a tranquil place and sheltered from some more harsh social weather. To adjust to anything, we have to encounter it and practice managing. Without the noise around, the ability of handling such a thing seems to diminish inside us.

JacquelineDeane55 said:

I don't believe I am actually compatible with my nephew at his young age. Not yet anyway: I am a disabled person with special needs, and he is also a little guy who has his own needs as well. I acknowledge we both have our own needs, and unfortunately, one of our needs was not being met during that visit.

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This may be true, but I somewhat think you may be doing yourself a disservice and not giving yourself enough credit. You may very well have limits, and we all do... but you might have more ability than you think. Might have to work through the frustration a bit (baby steps etc), but we can't ever manage something if we never actually have to. Kind of like cooking. People often burn the food in the beginning, but eventually they learn how to manage the heat properly. Albeit, only if they actually spend some time cooking, not just talking about cooking. We learn from doing, and can't learn if we don't do.

I don't mean to imply you should pull yourself up "by your bootstraps" and get it together or anything of that sort, but just that you might be more capable than you think. Often we are, we just lack confidence or experience or the desire to face discomfort.

Sometimes we just want to have things nice and neat and the way we want, and other people tend to spoil that situation. I've been like this before, and people just kind of seem all over the place (not diagnosed but have noticed some autistic mannerisms of mine). The best I've been able to do, is to try to meet them where they are in their seeming craziness and love them for their imperfections rather than wishing they were perfect. Kind of like laughing at children when they act silly, rather than being angry because they aren't being calm, and perfect, and quiet.

This is not an easy thing to do sometimes, but it isn't impossible. Perspective can work wonders, and love can change things dramatically even when circumstances would seem unbearable otherwise.

MY COMPUTER WON'T LET ME tYPE CORRECTLY. i WANT TO TELL YOU THAT A PROFESSIONAL NEEDS TO EXPLAIN AUTISM TO YOUR MOM. fIFTY YEARS AGO NO ONE KNEW MUCH IF ANYTHING ABOUT IT.