Getting older alone

Anon0 said:

do you ever wonder if you ever will get married. Like I'm 26 and have yet to be in any genuine relationship with someone. I missed out on having memories with a GF/Wife for my 20's so far and might miss out completely. in less than 4 yeras i'll be 30 and heading into territory where i dont know if i'll want to get married at that point. I dont want to wind up being someone who gets married in my late 30s or 40s or 50s. Whenever i go new places or event's a lot of times i wonder if this is where i'll meet someone but i never do. I enjoy the peace an quiet i have as a single person but at the same time i still desire a relationship. At the end of the day though its not going to happen unless it's Gods will for me. Anyone else im a similar boat?

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Is that so scary? One day I thought to myself 'maybe I will outgrow it. I used to like a lot of things & want a lot of things when I was younger I don't anymore.'

More recently when I am w/ couples I see it & think 'is that really what you wanted?' Not that there's any problems in the relationships or they're not enjoying it. But I see it a little different then before.

Given the divorce rate and rising disinterest in marriage I'd think quality would be a greater concern than ticking the box by a certain age. If 45% of women aged 25-40 are predicted to be single by 2030 that's half of your dating pool. Beyond the obvious challenge with that statistic, christian women are decentering men as well. That's a problem but I'm not surprised. I stumbled on a wgtow site a year and knew we were trouble. They were focused on personal growth, supporting one another and sharing resources. When I saw the things they outsourced I knew the shift was here. Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, errands, etc. In most relationships women perform the bulk of those tasks or all of the them.

The reason you're seeing less traction in the dating market is women are opting out. Marriage for her means two additional responsibilities and the domestic and parental workload is rarely shared. Two income households are the norm and that's another job plus physical intimacy too. From her side of the aisle it's too imbalanced and the promises of assistance fall away over time.

Cultural shifts don't negate the word nor does the problem mitigate times and seasons. Marriage is still a good thing but the conditions are worse and you have to be willing to cast your net wider or be more accommodating. In times like these character is foremost. If you're not physically attracted to them ask why and pinpoint the problem. A little makeup goes a long way and weight can be gone in a year or two.

When you look at a woman you have to see them as a canvas not finished. Ask yourself how your input can improve her? Few people arrive from the factory as you'd like and they're built over time. The harder question you need to ask yourself is how far you're willing to go to solve the problem. Are you willing to move, look overseas, go on blond dates, etc. The line you draw has a reciprocal cost and you have to make sure you can pay it.

The problem isn't going away and it isn't just America or the west. It's happening in other places too. You have to think outside the box in difficult seasons. I think arranged marriage should on the table for christians. The lone requirement is being equally yoked and there's a lot of wiggle room. Two people who love the Lord don't have to be in love to tie the knot. Love can grow over time if the union is holy.

When you mature in Christ you discover how powerful the will is and what you can accomplish if you set your mind to it. The challenge for most is accepting things have changed and navigating the now in light of it.

~bella

As you age you realize that the later years aren't as old as you thought they were when you were younger. When you are 40, you will be amazed at how young 30 is and wonder why you didn't appreciate the youthfulness of it then.

Don't be afraid to change your mind or your goals as you progress through life.

Things I was sure of in my 20s make me laugh now. In all honesty, it would have been good for me to wait until my 30s or 40s.

I had my family when I was in my 20s. If I were doing that now, I would be handling things much differently and have fewer regrets.

I've known several people who didn't marry until they were in their 30s or 40s. Their marriages are solid, and they are wonderful parents together.

JAM2b said:

Things I was sure of in my 20s make me laugh now. In all honesty, it would have been good for me to wait until my 30s or 40s.

I had my family when I was in my 20s. If I were doing that now, I would be handling things much differently and have fewer regrets.

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I agree wholeheartedly and noticed the same about myself and my daughter. The gap between raising a child and having less responsibilities allowed me to grow and flourish in ways I would not have if I married younger or allowed emotion to pick my spouse. We frequently forget the differences in demand and responsibility we have today versus previous generations. There were support networks in place to ease the transition that we don't have now.

When I met my complement the scripture that came to mind was deep calleth unto deep. I've reached the point of knowing where I recognize the necessity of marriage and what its absence is costing me versus the response to the void because of loneliness, angst, etc. My daughter isn't there yet but she's moving in that direction. I've designed an immersive program to prepare us both.

We're working with three people and each focuses on a prong based on the qualities I wanted to emphasize for each: physical, relational (mental/emotional) and socioeconomic (social/work). We've done the spiritual now I'm focusing on the practical. In my experience readiness isn't forced and when you enter you know. There's a certainty and flow that comes with its arrival that's intentional too. You'll find yourself doing things that never came to mind because you're ready now.

~bella

Wow. You sound so lonely. I'm sorry. Have you tried going out to different places to meet anyone? Because that is what people usually do.

I thought I was never going to find someone myself, but I actually did. We have been together now for a little while. I am very happy with him and love him more than anything else. Maybe even more than life itself.

I'm 42 and still single. At church today, they were joking that more people there need to start getting married, and they all looked at me expectantly lol. Do I still desire marriage? Absolutely. Do I want kids? Yes, I do. Would it be fair to say I'm beginning to accept that those things may not happen for me? Again, yes. I'm not losing faith. God can make anything happen at any time. I just know my past wasn't a good time for me. I grew up and matured too late. As a pastor, I would love to have someone by my side to do ministry with, but I'm just not going to focus on that. I guess my response is I'm now used to singleness.

DragonFox91 said:

More recently when I am w/ couples I see it & think 'is that really what you wanted?' Not that there's any problems in the relationships or they're not enjoying it. But I see it a little different then before.

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I see it as marrying the world. I don’t want that at all. I don’t want to marry the world

Anon0 said:

Its not scary its just sad. Like I said so far I've missed out on making memories with someone I care for. I feel alone when im surrounded by others who aren't. I just feel like I'd be mad at God if I had to wait that long to get married because I missed out on stuff for so long.

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Not really. It wouldn’t be any different with someone else. You still have lots of good memories & they’re just as valid. You have your own unique memories
One of the hardest memories for me at the time was buying my own place and moving out of my parents house. It’s something you hear about. Buying your first house & have it be with a girl. I had to do it with my parents and they helped me move. I felt terrible. Like a little kid who has to have parents help them move because I couldn’t find a girl. I wanted that good memory. It was the wrong attitude. Your parents helping you is pretty good. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t let it be a distraction from the good things you’re getting currently.

DragonFox91 said:

I wanted that good memory. It was the wrong attitude. Your parents helping you is pretty good. I guess what I’m trying to say is don’t let it be a distraction from the good things you’re getting currently.

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You have a good attitude and have developed patience after a difficult battle that was hard fought and encouraging to witness.

When you're out in the world you realize the things you take for granted. Up until that point your experiences are foremost. But when you interact with others and hear their stories sometimes you realize things aren't as bad as you assume. Support isn't a given and when you have it it's a blessing.

The more settled you become the wider your reach because the beacon's brighter. You're not trying to make something happen anymore or lamenting that it didn't. Feelings come and go but lack isn't the primary frequency. That's very appealing.

~bella