Why do some people judge others based upon how they look?

JacquelineDeane55 · Apr 24, 2026

(If I sound like a complaining teenager, I apologize, but I am actually 38 years old, not a teenager. If I sound younger than I am, I can only think it is my autism doing that).

My mom is guilty of judging other solely based upon their outward appearance. She has always judged others based upon how they look, me included.

My older sister has called her "too judgmental" in the past years ago when she and my parents had a whopping big fight.

I consider myself a logical and reasonable person. Of course I have tried to reason with my mother and tell her that she can't judge people like that, but of course my reasoning has fallen on deaf ears.

Sometimes when I am visiting her at her place, she will fuss over my clothes and what I am wearing and I will become uncomfortable with the whole thing. She seems to be overly-obsessed with the outward appearance. When I told her I didn't really care about such things, that what was on the inside of a person mattered more to me than anything else, she kind of got upset and harped at me. Something about that I should always strive to look my best. Whatever.

I don't mean to complain about her, but I have always thought that judging someone based solely upon their appearance was superficial in a way. Because I know that people are SO MUCH MORE than the outward appearance. Looks can be deceiving. For instance, I have a lover I have never revealed to her because I know for a fact she would judge his whole personality solely based upon how he looks, which I think is unfair. She may think he is a "bad" person (And I know he is not a bad person from my experiences of actually being with him), and my fear is that if she knew about him she might try to break us up. But I am determined to stay with him no matter what happens. I love him very much and if she tries anything weird like that I may just go no contact with her.

Also, I am 38 years old. I think I can choose for myself, legally, who my partner is going to be on my own, with or without her approval or consent.

It's just that, I have heard stories about parents like this, who try to interfere in the lives of their adult children and try to control them even when they are too old to be treated that way anymore. Most stories I have heard either from Youtube or Reddit. This kind of thing is more common than I was led to believe. Its ridiculous. I really hope my mom will not turn out to be one of those kinds of people.

Or she may just loose her daughter.

Parents need to let their kids grow up and be adults. I think it is embarrassing that she sometimes treats me like I am still a kid.

peaceful-forest · Apr 25, 2026

Question 1 - does your mom believe in "modesty" (wearing clothes that don't reveal certain things and don't cause men to sin)?
Question 2 - not to judge on appearances, but would you say your mom looks European and has European genetics? For example, is she white with blonde hair and blue eyes or green eyes?
Question 3 - is your mom a Boomer?

I'm asking because some things you are describing sounds like my mom. I suspect also that your mom is doing these things out of religious belief. Or maybe she has narcissism?

My mom has been bad for a long time concerning criticizing people's looks. She even criticized me - not on clothes, but things about my body that God designed for me or permitted, like my height and hair color. Imagine your mom trying to convince you to dye your hair a lighter shade of brown because your darker brown hair reminds her of someone unpleasant.

One time she told me I needed to marry a man with blue eyes so she could have blue-eyed grandchildren. From my brother, she already has 4 grandchildren with blue eyes, and 1 with green eyes.

I have brown eyes, in case anyone is wondering.

I feel like my mom interferes with my life too. I've been wanting to get the driveway paved with my money. Since my dad died, she has prevented me from doing this, claiming the house needs more dire repairs - repairs I don't see her retired self initiating like calling someone to fix it. So I haven't done anything.

BriS · Apr 25, 2026

JacquelineDeane55 said:
(If I sound like a complaining teenager, I apologize, but I am actually 38 years old, not a teenager. If I sound younger than I am, I can only think it is my autism doing that).

My mom is guilty of judging other solely based upon their outward appearance. She has always judged others based upon how they look, me included.

My older sister has called her "too judgmental" in the past years ago when she and my parents had a whopping big fight.

I consider myself a logical and reasonable person. Of course I have tried to reason with my mother and tell her that she can't judge people like that, but of course my reasoning has fallen on deaf ears.

Sometimes when I am visiting her at her place, she will fuss over my clothes and what I am wearing and I will become uncomfortable with the whole thing. She seems to be overly-obsessed with the outward appearance. When I told her I didn't really care about such things, that what was on the inside of a person mattered more to me than anything else, she kind of got upset and harped at me. Something about that I should always strive to look my best. Whatever.

I don't mean to complain about her, but I have always thought that judging someone based solely upon their appearance was superficial in a way. Because I know that people are SO MUCH MORE than the outward appearance. Looks can be deceiving. For instance, I have a lover I have never revealed to her because I know for a fact she would judge his whole personality solely based upon how he looks, which I think is unfair. She may think he is a "bad" person (And I know he is not a bad person from my experiences of actually being with him), and my fear is that if she knew about him she might try to break us up. But I am determined to stay with him no matter what happens. I love him very much and if she tries anything weird like that I may just go no contact with her.

Also, I am 38 years old. I think I can choose for myself, legally, who my partner is going to be on my own, with or without her approval or consent.

It's just that, I have heard stories about parents like this, who try to interfere in the lives of their adult children and try to control them even when they are too old to be treated that way anymore. Most stories I have heard either from Youtube or Reddit. This kind of thing is more common than I was led to believe. Its ridiculous. I really hope my mom will not turn out to be one of those kinds of people.

Or she may just loose her daughter.

Parents need to let their kids grow up and be adults. I think it is embarrassing that she sometimes treats me like I am still a kid.

Boy can I relate to this! My mom is the same way! She judges me harshly and I honestly think she talks bad out my husband behind our backs. I get to the point where I’m tempted to cut off communication with her, however due to me being an only child, makes me guilty because if anything happens to either parent, there’s no one.

Larniavc · Apr 26, 2026

JacquelineDeane55 said:
Parents need to let their kids grow up and be adults. I think it is embarrassing that she sometimes treats me like I am still a kid.

While this is true grown up kids should not let their parents treat them like kids. Showing them that their behaviour is unacceptable needs to be done consistently.

Laodicean60 · Apr 26, 2026

My mother was in my business in my 30's, and I hated it, but in my 50's I used to laugh, realizing she just loved me. I find myself now telling the kids to take care of their money, but they already know it all. I call it our youthful arrogance.

bèlla · Apr 28, 2026

I'm always amazed what people reveal about their loved ones. We have good and bad experiences with everyone familial and otherwise. There's two passages that come to mind on the subject. The first is from 1 Corinthians 13:11.

Paul says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things."

Oftentimes this happens in our twenties. We've reached adulthood and become more autonomous and begin to strain against authority. We examine our experiences and acknowledge what helped us, regrets and better approaches to problems. While the latter is the mature response many remain in blame and forget their humanity. Everyone has wronged someone and when you're pointing the finger you forget your mistakes.

If we do what we should in that season we don't bring it with us to the next. At some point we reach the stage when we're done with recollections and keeping score and peace of mind matters more. We discover what the Father meant when he said...

Good sense and discretion make a man slow to anger, And it is his honor and glory to overlook a transgression or an offense [without seeking revenge and harboring resentment].

That's the secret sauce to healthy relationships that last. You can't react to everything emotionally or respond to it or point it out. Sometimes you have to let it go for the sake of grace and peace. It's a moment not a mountain and a lot of people forget that. They treat every offense as a battle and women are the worse.

They replay things again and again like a broken record and you want to tell to stop. Because they're shooting themselves in the foot. The greatest joy of a man is peace not sex. If you're complaining you're eroding his peace and making molehills to your detriment.

The OP disparages a parent while lauding a "lover" and admitting a tenure of failed connections elsewhere (in the Singles forum) and a history of being set aside for others. No matter what you think of your mother she had a man who pledged his life to her and maintained that position.

You haven't achieved that yet and your hubris is flawed. When you have the ring and his name then you can say xyz. But until then it's a maybe. It's interesting you chose the term "lover" in light of your beliefs. The context is sexual and always implies the physical which means fornication. But she's wrong?

~bella

Rescued One · May 16, 2026

I'm a conservative Christian great-grandparent, My parents were not Christians. My husband pretended to be one for a while. It wouldn't change anyone's behavior for me to criticize children or grandchildren.

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Why do some people judge others based upon how they look?

JacquelineDeane55

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peaceful-forest

Still Waiting

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BriS

God and family are everything to me.

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Larniavc

"Larniavc sir, how are you so smart?"

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Laodicean60

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bèlla

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Rescued One

...yet not I, but the grace of God that is with me

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