First, let me say how very sorry I am that you are going through this. In my past something very similar happened, and I know all too well just how difficult this is for you, and how it can really screw up your thinking and feelings and cause a kind of downward spiral.
I need counsel. I have a husband in Texas. Our relationship is rocky and has caused me great harm. We had decided on divorce but never got the papers signed in time. It is important that we get divorced. He has cheated on me and I don't want to be in the relationship. I have a mother who lives in Missouri who I can stay with, although it's in a really remote area and she is pretty controlling.
Okay, so mom can be a resource, but it comes with a price--her desire to control. Got it.
She is in need of deliverance, and I am too. The devil has been attacking my life through this marriage and it's gotten to the point where I have a bad gut feeling pretty much all the time. It's been this way for over a year, where I just have a bad gut feeling.
I'm not saying you are wrong, but I would like to point out that there are perfectly natural reasons why you would have ALL these terrible, horrible, awful feelings. It's because you have been treated terribly, horribly, and awfully, and are now in a terrible, horrible, awful position. Of COURSE you have a terrible, horrible, awful gut feeling!!! If I had a past like yours, I would not trust things to be better in the future. My mind would ruminate on how things are just going to fall apart. I would say that unless a person is highly resilient, that's exactly where their mind is going to go.
My husband has been talking about not wanting to be alive and I'm worried he will harm himself. I know his life is unhappy because we are in a toxic marriage right now and it will get happy again.
I'm glad you are able to admit that the toxicity has gone both ways. It shows greater insight and integrity on your part. The fact that you have compassion for your husband also says very good things about you. It tells me that your empathy is intact.
But it is not your job to fix him. It is his job to avail himself of help. I think the best you can do is suggest to him that he see his doctor to get a referral to a therapist. After that, let go of it. The decision to seek therapy is his to make, and if he chooses not to address his own problems, it's his right as an adult to make mistakes, even horrible mistakes, and then suffer the consequences.
Do you have children together?
I am from Colorado and want to live there again, but I don't have much money right now. Should I move to Colorado and trust God to provide, should I move to my mom's where she can help me out, or should I be in Texas and maybe find an inpatient counseling center or mental hospital?
It's tricky. Ultimately the decision is yours, because only you yourself can weigh the effect of each factor.
I am not you, but this is what I would do. I would move in with mom with the intent to move out ASAP. I know that I would have trouble dealing with a controlling person, especially if days stretched into weeks or, God forbid, weeks stretched into months. I would need the help and support of an excellent counselor. It might be my Rabbi, or a therapist, or simply a very wise and practical friend. But it would need to be a person unafraid to step in and say, "You're doing it again. You are capitulating and every time you do this you empower her. You don't need to play her game. Let's talk about some tactful responses that will affirm your boundaries without getting you kicked out of the home."
And I would put ALL my efforts into finding gainful employment in Colorado. I usually work an eight hour day, so I should spend at least that much time each day looking for work. Right now the job market totally stinks, so I need to emotionally prepare myself that it may be months and months before I find work, even with that much effort on my part. And I don't know your skills or employment background, but it is possible you may need further training or schooling.
I hear voices and know I have some demons.
You hear these voices with your ears? Oh, sister. It breaks my heart to hear this. It tells me that you are fragile in a specific way, and that the stress from the abuse and toxicity has broken you. You need and deserve to be repaired, and it begins with a visit to your doctor. I realize how real these voices seem to you. But they aren't. Your PROBLEMS are very real. The ABUSE was very real. Your DESPERATION is all too real. But the voices are not. They are a symptom that you are cracking under the pressure. That's NOT a moral evaluation. You have been hurt. You need help.
I cant live with my husband, I have tried that before but he has repeatedly kicked me out every time I tried. I am currently staying at the Dallas airport
You might want to contact a woman's shelter. I don't know what their rules are, or whether they can help you but it is worth the shot. The truth is that verbal abuse harms us every bit as much as physical abuse.
Psalm 34:19 (34:18 in Christian Bibles)
The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and He saves those of crushed spirit.
Please know that my prayers are with you.
And meanwhile, He takes care of things and people around us . . . how Jesus our Lord according to His good judgment rules people and things.
