Resisting the Holy Spirit.

Hi,

I grew up in a christian home, and my dad was a missionary, but I struggled a lot with christian faith and questions about predestination etc. and I took refuge in some sort of hypercalvinistic belief I think. This I believe made it difficult for me to experience conversion. There were times I recall an inability to yield to the Holy Spirit during meetings. I got into Gnostic spirituality too, and existentialism as well as reading modern theologians like Barth and Bultmann.

A good few years ago I was starting to come back to christianity, after having got into some errors about faith, and had begun to go to a church. At the same time I was reading a book by John Owen (17th century Puritan theologian). One Sunday at church all of a sudden I felt I came under a very intense pull, that seemed to be the Holy Spirit, but I wouldn't yield. It stayed with me all the way home, and yet still I wouldn't give in. It was a good few years ago, but I am not sure what keeps me from yielding. Up to that point I thought I was seeking again and yet when it came to it I wouldn't yield. I'm not sure why this is except it seems to suggest an unwillingness on my part to be right with God by faith in Christ?

I really thought I was a christian at least at one point in my life but I would have understood things more along Barthian lines.

What you describe with the man sounds different. What I experienced was like a strong move of the Holy Spirit to get me to put my trust in Christ. Did that come from reading John Owen?

It just seems to me on reflection perhaps, there's a sort of disconnect - between head and heart, I think I am agreeing and believing when I read but deep down my in my heart I am not. So this was quite a number of years ago, nowadays I am not really sure what I believe.

Increasing I am thinking one can have an understanding of theology, but not really have faith. And that its easy to mistake one for the other. One's "faith" may be based on having picked up a particular understanding reading theological book.

I worries me what will be the result if I can't put my trust in Christ. How do I come to better understand my need of Christ?