- Oct 10, 2011
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Was listening to a program talking about mental health. (My mental health issues Part #1)
Unlike other people with their mental disorders or disabilities, I can describe exactly what's going on with me, and it's not at all a mystery to me. When I'm around a bunch of different sources of noise, or people talking (including other people's televisions, and media and whatnot sometimes) (or when I'm around a combination of both actually) I am constantly picking up on everything and immediately applying it to something about me, or having to do with me, and applying it it all kinds of different ways all of the time and always, some of which are sometimes very disturbing, although not always disturbing always, but either way, me or mind makes it about me or something having to do with me, or something that I was just experiencing/doing, and it is something that I am not at all doing willingly. And with a lot of different noise/sources/voices around, it is constantly shifting, and changing, constantly and very, very, very quickly. I can shut a single source down almost immediately, but with a lot of different sources/voices, it is happening too fast for me to be able to keep up most usually, or shut them all down immediately or completely, cause the second I pick up on on one voice/source, and shut it down almost immediately, it changes to another one after that almost immediately, and it's too much for me to be able to keep most of the time, and almost always. And it's not ego either, or me willingly desiring to make everything about me, but this all happening/being done to me 100% completely involuntarily, as I've all but completely killed my own ego by now, almost 100% completely. If it's supposed to be some form of communication, then I don't think it is at all meant for us human beings. And even if it was some form of communication, or I could make some sort of sense of it (which I can't, but if I could) then how could I ever be sure of the source really? Like I said, I don't think it's meant for us human beings. But this is why I wear headphones and listen to something else when I'm out in public, and am out among a bunch of these different sources that very much act like a lot of very, very different, always constantly changing and shifting voices to me actually. It's schizophrenic in a nutshell basically, and that is what it feels like when I'm out in public actually. So it's a very great limitation/mental disorder/disability, and there seems to be no way of eliminating it or completely getting rid of the problem right now 100% completely, because it's not me doing it to myself willingly. And even though I say all of this, there are still some of you who are going to think that I am somehow making this up, or am being dishonest, or am lying, or that it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be maybe, but I 100% guarantee you that you can't make something like this up, and unless you personally have or experience these problems yourself always, then you just don't know how debilitating/disabling they can be actually.
God Bless.
Another thing that I probably also need to mention about this, which has been/still is a side effect from some of the times that this has been disturbing, is also having/developing PTSD from it now actually, which also makes me sometimes anticipate any and all, especially unanticipated/unexpected noises, as sometimes potentially disturbing or triggering, so headphones is definitely the way to go for someone like me, as they are like a lifeline for me. I apologize to all of you that I can't seem to deal with it or handle it any better or differently.
God Bless.
(My mental health issues Part #2)
I'm saving this and these for the next time I see my therapist here in a few weeks.
For example, when I was talking with you last time and you mention dogs sometimes, I sometimes identify with them sometimes in my mind mentally, and when you mentioned your church choir leader last time, I identified with that or him for a minute last time temporarily, as if I was him, or was like him somehow, or in some kind of way actually, or that someone or something was trying to tell me that I was in some kind of way actually, but I was able to shut them, or those thoughts, or those voices, down, almost immediately, and so, it wasn't a big deal really, and none of you even knew that that was going on with me and in my mind at the time mentally. But, when I'm around a lot, or a lot of different sources/ones going on/off all of the time around me, my mind is doing this with all of them all of the time and constantly, and very, very fast with everything, and it's always changing or shifting voices/sources very, very, very quickly, and it's hard to shut them all down immediately all of the time usually. And sometimes, something happens with what's happening on the outside of me that let's me know that something, or someone, knew, or always knows, just exactly what was going on with me, or was happening right then to me at the time mentally, or with what I was just identifying with and how I was identifying with it, actually. Which can feel like a very great violation sometimes of my privacy, which can sometimes be very, very intimidating, or scary, and can sometimes trigger me all of the time and constantly, so that I'm always triggered, or am always on edge all of the time mentally, until I am out of that situation again actually. It can't all be true, but when I'm around a bunch of different sources constantly, I don't have the time to try to discern truth from fiction, which is why I just try to shut them all down immediately. Discerning the truth from fiction can take a lot of time actually, so unless I actually have the time to get a break, and sit around and think about it, and can remember a lot of what was just happening, I can't most of the time actually. Over the course of my total amount of time living with this mental disorder, or disability, I've identified as almost everyone and everything over my total course of time having this, and so I don't think there is any kind of way that all of it can be true ever, etc. And if it ever was or is, then I don't have any kind of idea as to what to say to that or about that ever exactly, etc. It took me quite a while to even be able to know that this is what was going on, or happening with me, and those times we're very, very bad, because they were also very, very confusing, so at least I know now what's happening, and can now write about it now, or tell it to the rest of you now, at least somewhat clearly.
God Bless.
When you, or me, or anyone identifies with something, you first have to ask yourself if you are in any way like that person, place, or thing, or animal, or not, in this specific situation or circumstance, or this specific context or not, exactly? And then also how, or in what kind of way (or ways) (multiple or plural) exactly? If there is even any kind of truth in it at all exactly? Which takes at least some time at least to be able to discern that, or figure that all out exactly? But that you also don't have the time for at the time when there is a lot of it happening or going on very, very quickly like it always happens or does to or for someone like me when there is a lot of different sources to potentially pick up on all of the time exactly. So, there is really no mystery anymore as to just exactly what is happening or going on anymore exactly, but it's more just exactly which way should you apply it, or just exactly what you're supposed to do with all of it all of the time exactly? Like I said earlier, I don't think it's possible for all of it to be true, and so that means that at least some of it has to be false, but with the way it happens to someone like me with a lot of different sources to potentially pick up on sometimes, there is not enough time to be able to figure that all out ever, or ever dwell too long on any one thing, or one or more of those things as quickly as they are/it is changing/happening, until you can get back out of that situation once again temporarily.
God Bless.
Unlike other people with their mental disorders or disabilities, I can describe exactly what's going on with me, and it's not at all a mystery to me. When I'm around a bunch of different sources of noise, or people talking (including other people's televisions, and media and whatnot sometimes) (or when I'm around a combination of both actually) I am constantly picking up on everything and immediately applying it to something about me, or having to do with me, and applying it it all kinds of different ways all of the time and always, some of which are sometimes very disturbing, although not always disturbing always, but either way, me or mind makes it about me or something having to do with me, or something that I was just experiencing/doing, and it is something that I am not at all doing willingly. And with a lot of different noise/sources/voices around, it is constantly shifting, and changing, constantly and very, very, very quickly. I can shut a single source down almost immediately, but with a lot of different sources/voices, it is happening too fast for me to be able to keep up most usually, or shut them all down immediately or completely, cause the second I pick up on on one voice/source, and shut it down almost immediately, it changes to another one after that almost immediately, and it's too much for me to be able to keep most of the time, and almost always. And it's not ego either, or me willingly desiring to make everything about me, but this all happening/being done to me 100% completely involuntarily, as I've all but completely killed my own ego by now, almost 100% completely. If it's supposed to be some form of communication, then I don't think it is at all meant for us human beings. And even if it was some form of communication, or I could make some sort of sense of it (which I can't, but if I could) then how could I ever be sure of the source really? Like I said, I don't think it's meant for us human beings. But this is why I wear headphones and listen to something else when I'm out in public, and am out among a bunch of these different sources that very much act like a lot of very, very different, always constantly changing and shifting voices to me actually. It's schizophrenic in a nutshell basically, and that is what it feels like when I'm out in public actually. So it's a very great limitation/mental disorder/disability, and there seems to be no way of eliminating it or completely getting rid of the problem right now 100% completely, because it's not me doing it to myself willingly. And even though I say all of this, there are still some of you who are going to think that I am somehow making this up, or am being dishonest, or am lying, or that it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be maybe, but I 100% guarantee you that you can't make something like this up, and unless you personally have or experience these problems yourself always, then you just don't know how debilitating/disabling they can be actually.
God Bless.
Another thing that I probably also need to mention about this, which has been/still is a side effect from some of the times that this has been disturbing, is also having/developing PTSD from it now actually, which also makes me sometimes anticipate any and all, especially unanticipated/unexpected noises, as sometimes potentially disturbing or triggering, so headphones is definitely the way to go for someone like me, as they are like a lifeline for me. I apologize to all of you that I can't seem to deal with it or handle it any better or differently.
God Bless.
(My mental health issues Part #2)
I'm saving this and these for the next time I see my therapist here in a few weeks.
For example, when I was talking with you last time and you mention dogs sometimes, I sometimes identify with them sometimes in my mind mentally, and when you mentioned your church choir leader last time, I identified with that or him for a minute last time temporarily, as if I was him, or was like him somehow, or in some kind of way actually, or that someone or something was trying to tell me that I was in some kind of way actually, but I was able to shut them, or those thoughts, or those voices, down, almost immediately, and so, it wasn't a big deal really, and none of you even knew that that was going on with me and in my mind at the time mentally. But, when I'm around a lot, or a lot of different sources/ones going on/off all of the time around me, my mind is doing this with all of them all of the time and constantly, and very, very fast with everything, and it's always changing or shifting voices/sources very, very, very quickly, and it's hard to shut them all down immediately all of the time usually. And sometimes, something happens with what's happening on the outside of me that let's me know that something, or someone, knew, or always knows, just exactly what was going on with me, or was happening right then to me at the time mentally, or with what I was just identifying with and how I was identifying with it, actually. Which can feel like a very great violation sometimes of my privacy, which can sometimes be very, very intimidating, or scary, and can sometimes trigger me all of the time and constantly, so that I'm always triggered, or am always on edge all of the time mentally, until I am out of that situation again actually. It can't all be true, but when I'm around a bunch of different sources constantly, I don't have the time to try to discern truth from fiction, which is why I just try to shut them all down immediately. Discerning the truth from fiction can take a lot of time actually, so unless I actually have the time to get a break, and sit around and think about it, and can remember a lot of what was just happening, I can't most of the time actually. Over the course of my total amount of time living with this mental disorder, or disability, I've identified as almost everyone and everything over my total course of time having this, and so I don't think there is any kind of way that all of it can be true ever, etc. And if it ever was or is, then I don't have any kind of idea as to what to say to that or about that ever exactly, etc. It took me quite a while to even be able to know that this is what was going on, or happening with me, and those times we're very, very bad, because they were also very, very confusing, so at least I know now what's happening, and can now write about it now, or tell it to the rest of you now, at least somewhat clearly.
God Bless.
When you, or me, or anyone identifies with something, you first have to ask yourself if you are in any way like that person, place, or thing, or animal, or not, in this specific situation or circumstance, or this specific context or not, exactly? And then also how, or in what kind of way (or ways) (multiple or plural) exactly? If there is even any kind of truth in it at all exactly? Which takes at least some time at least to be able to discern that, or figure that all out exactly? But that you also don't have the time for at the time when there is a lot of it happening or going on very, very quickly like it always happens or does to or for someone like me when there is a lot of different sources to potentially pick up on all of the time exactly. So, there is really no mystery anymore as to just exactly what is happening or going on anymore exactly, but it's more just exactly which way should you apply it, or just exactly what you're supposed to do with all of it all of the time exactly? Like I said earlier, I don't think it's possible for all of it to be true, and so that means that at least some of it has to be false, but with the way it happens to someone like me with a lot of different sources to potentially pick up on sometimes, there is not enough time to be able to figure that all out ever, or ever dwell too long on any one thing, or one or more of those things as quickly as they are/it is changing/happening, until you can get back out of that situation once again temporarily.
God Bless.
