Am I being used for grandchild time by my mother-in-law (MIL)?

Joy Allen · Aug 4, 2025

My MIL used to be kind of uncaring. She is a hot and cold kind of person. You can get along with her and then all of a sudden you're treated like you're not family.

I've been put down, yelled at, ignored, interrupted while talking to her like I wasn't even having a conversation with her so that she could start a conversation with someone else when I was talking to her. There was always a comment about my sister having a baby outside of marriage. I ended up only going to her house once a season so I didn't have to have bad experiences with her. Didn't matter how well you got along with her, I have always had to be made felt like something was wrong with me or I wasn't good enough. Until... I got pregnant with twins and gave her grandkids after struggling with infertility.

I had Thanksgiving at my house while pregnant. I was excited despite how bad I felt. I cooked most of the food. She attended along with her daughters who are also rude, but one was really nice at the time. I had something hurdled at me over my sister with babies out of wedlock, yet her daughter was in the next room engaged to a dude she met online and pregnant with some other guy's baby. And she had the audacity to come at me over my sister?

Fast forward, I fell breaking both ankles, losing my ability to walk normally for roughly 7 mo. So, I was on bedrest with the rest of my pregnancy and for some reason, she wanted to help me. I was shocked, but she was literally my only help. She's retired and widowed. She did an ok job too. She stuck by my side and got to know me better. She would barely help me when I was alone and crippled taking care of twins from a wheelchair, but she watched the babies so I could go learn to walk again. That upset her jealous daughters. I was uneasy with it because she acts like she can't do anything. She knows what to do, but won't. It's weird, but nice to have her being a good grandma and being kinder. She also has A-fib, so she will use it as an excuse a lot of times to get out of doing a lot of stuff like walking. She can't walk to their nursery, but she can walk into the post office and she can go to the store and walk up to a buffet and eat with her daughters.

Well, the first birthday rolled around and she went MIA. She barely talked to me for a little over a month so she could get out of their bday party. She blamed it on a colonoscopy, but the birthday was not on that day LOL. She did however, go to her other grandson's bday party, yeah, the one born out of wedlock. She let a few weeks pass afterwards and finally came back around with gifts, etc. She was so rude to me. She seriously went back to how she used to be. Then she started getting nicer and nicer and coming over every week. She was safe and the party was over. This past week she said she didn't feel good that she needed to stay home and I said ok. She is feeling better, but won't carry on a conversation through messaging- just like she did around the time of the party. The only thing I can think of is that the same daughter who was pregnant before is pregnant again and her baby is due soon. I wonder if she is trying to get out of seeing my kids once a week because of the other baby. I would never keep her from her daughter and new grandson. This daughter in particular is really spoiled and held high.

I guess what I am asking for is... should I just cut the grandma time in half? I can't keep doing this I treat you good when I want something or the babies kind of thing. Am I being used for time with my babies? She usually babysits for a few hours on Thursday, but I am thinking of her coming over on Sundays instead so she can also see my husband. Plus, my babies are learning to walk better and better everyday. If she can't get the door for me when I'm locked out or walk to the nursery, then I guess her sitting days are over. She can't get up and walk around with these babies. She let one slip between my couch and ottoman last time she was here and told him she couldn't get him. All she had to do was sit on the ottoman and pick him up and she wouldn't even do that. I guess it's not safe for them anymore. I am a first-time mom and I get it double over here!

Sam91 · Aug 6, 2025

Hi, twins? That must be a lot of work when they're now more mobile too. You sound tired and then there's the stress of the relationship with your mother-in-law too. She sounds ill too but did try to help out when you needed her. She's flawed like most of us are, could be better to you, but could be a lot worse. Perhaps seeing her in the round will help. At least she's there. A lot more than my own child's gran is.

My deceased partner's mum is fairly healthy but has only babysat 3 times for me to go to appointments in his life and he's ten now. We get along ok though and she's never been rude to my face, or if she has I haven't noticed.

Is MIL rude in general? Perhaps she doesn't know how rude you find her? Perhaps she might find you rude too, but doesn't say? Eg do you dismiss her health experiences sometimes or appear to not think of them? Have you offered much help to her so the relationship is reciprocal? Maybe any expectations you have on her should be lowered so you won't feel negatively and then maybe you might be able to appreciate what she does do, even if you could do with more support. Perhaps, there's a way to get extra support elsewhere and spend time doing activities with people who raise your mood. Is there a chance you might be a little depressed?

Sorry, I'm useless at advice but hope there's something positive or useful in what I said. I'll pray now for your circumstance and for you to gain wisdom on what to do for the best.

Joy Allen · Aug 10, 2025

Sam91 said:
Hi, twins? That must be a lot of work when they're now more mobile too. You sound tired and then there's the stress of the relationship with your mother-in-law too. She sounds ill too but did try to help out when you needed her. She's flawed like most of us are, could be better to you, but could be a lot worse. Perhaps seeing her in the round will help. At least she's there. A lot more than my own child's gran is.

My deceased partner's mum is fairly healthy but has only babysat 3 times for me to go to appointments in his life and he's ten now. We get along ok though and she's never been rude to my face, or if she has I haven't noticed.

Is MIL rude in general? Perhaps she doesn't know how rude you find her? Perhaps she might find you rude too, but doesn't say? Eg do you dismiss her health experiences sometimes or appear to not think of them? Have you offered much help to her so the relationship is reciprocal? Maybe any expectations you have on her should be lowered so you won't feel negatively and then maybe you might be able to appreciate what she does do, even if you could do with more support. Perhaps, there's a way to get extra support elsewhere and spend time doing activities with people who raise your mood. Is there a chance you might be a little depressed?

Sorry, I'm useless at advice but hope there's something positive or useful in what I said. I'll pray now for your circumstance and for you to gain wisdom on what to do for the best.

Thank you. No worries, just a response was nice to see.

I really like having her over because my babies love her. They are almost a year and a half and starting to remember people more and more. They love her to death and I enjoy her company. During my pregnancy, she sat with me a lot and I really appreciated that because nobody else did. I just thought it was weird that she did because she had just been over and insulted me about my family. I decided to no longer host holidays after that gathering. She has always been somewhat rude. She has a lot of beef with a lot of people it seems. She says that I have always been easy to talk to. I really never say anything out of the way and hold my tongue A LOT because of my husband. I know she struggles with anxiety. For me, I'm just exhausted. Actual help would be nice.

I think she mostly wants to be left alone. I have offered to help get her home ready for the holidays years go, but she didn't want that. The place is disgusting. I get annoyed with her.

Sam91 · Tuesday at 12:43 PM

If her place is that bad, then your fortunate she pushes herself to visit as much as she does. She obviously struggles. Definitely minimise any expectations you have of her and don't compare her to the ideal or you'll keep getting annoyed.

That's really good that your twins love her coming over. There are brief moments where she's able to amuse them and you can sit quietly, watch them being amused and breathe. While mustering the energy to continue. I do hope you get more chance to rest in other ways so you have the energy to enjoy your littles being young that little bit more.

Muhan · Friday at 2:26 PM

Joy Allen said:
My MIL used to be kind of uncaring. She is a hot and cold kind of person. You can get along with her and then all of a sudden you're treated like you're not family.

I've been put down, yelled at, ignored, interrupted while talking to her like I wasn't even having a conversation with her so that she could start a conversation with someone else when I was talking to her. There was always a comment about my sister having a baby outside of marriage. I ended up only going to her house once a season so I didn't have to have bad experiences with her. Didn't matter how well you got along with her, I have always had to be made felt like something was wrong with me or I wasn't good enough. Until... I got pregnant with twins and gave her grandkids after struggling with infertility.

I had Thanksgiving at my house while pregnant. I was excited despite how bad I felt. I cooked most of the food. She attended along with her daughters who are also rude, but one was really nice at the time. I had something hurdled at me over my sister with babies out of wedlock, yet her daughter was in the next room engaged to a dude she met online and pregnant with some other guy's baby. And she had the audacity to come at me over my sister?

Fast forward, I fell breaking both ankles, losing my ability to walk normally for roughly 7 mo. So, I was on bedrest with the rest of my pregnancy and for some reason, she wanted to help me. I was shocked, but she was literally my only help. She's retired and widowed. She did an ok job too. She stuck by my side and got to know me better. She would barely help me when I was alone and crippled taking care of twins from a wheelchair, but she watched the babies so I could go learn to walk again. That upset her jealous daughters. I was uneasy with it because she acts like she can't do anything. She knows what to do, but won't. It's weird, but nice to have her being a good grandma and being kinder. She also has A-fib, so she will use it as an excuse a lot of times to get out of doing a lot of stuff like walking. She can't walk to their nursery, but she can walk into the post office and she can go to the store and walk up to a buffet and eat with her daughters.

Well, the first birthday rolled around and she went MIA. She barely talked to me for a little over a month so she could get out of their bday party. She blamed it on a colonoscopy, but the birthday was not on that day LOL. She did however, go to her other grandson's bday party, yeah, the one born out of wedlock. She let a few weeks pass afterwards and finally came back around with gifts, etc. She was so rude to me. She seriously went back to how she used to be. Then she started getting nicer and nicer and coming over every week. She was safe and the party was over. This past week she said she didn't feel good that she needed to stay home and I said ok. She is feeling better, but won't carry on a conversation through messaging- just like she did around the time of the party. The only thing I can think of is that the same daughter who was pregnant before is pregnant again and her baby is due soon. I wonder if she is trying to get out of seeing my kids once a week because of the other baby. I would never keep her from her daughter and new grandson. This daughter in particular is really spoiled and held high.

I guess what I am asking for is... should I just cut the grandma time in half? I can't keep doing this I treat you good when I want something or the babies kind of thing. Am I being used for time with my babies? She usually babysits for a few hours on Thursday, but I am thinking of her coming over on Sundays instead so she can also see my husband. Plus, my babies are learning to walk better and better everyday. If she can't get the door for me when I'm locked out or walk to the nursery, then I guess her sitting days are over. She can't get up and walk around with these babies. She let one slip between my couch and ottoman last time she was here and told him she couldn't get him. All she had to do was sit on the ottoman and pick him up and she wouldn't even do that. I guess it's not safe for them anymore. I am a first-time mom and I get it double over here!

My advice to you, is to do all in your power,
at all times, concerning anything pertaining to her,
is acceptable to the living God. And if that means to endure
her scorn or wrath, then do it. And do nothing in return that
is not right before the Lord.

AND STOP LEANING TO YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING!

Joy Allen · Friday at 5:39 PM

Sam91 said:
If her place is that bad, then your fortunate she pushes herself to visit as much as she does. She obviously struggles. Definitely minimise any expectations you have of her and don't compare her to the ideal or you'll keep getting annoyed.

That's really good that your twins love her coming over. There are brief moments where she's able to amuse them and you can sit quietly, watch them being amused and breathe. While mustering the energy to continue. I do hope you get more chance to rest in other ways so you have the energy to enjoy your littles being young that little bit more.

She came over last Friday. It was all good. I didn't hear from her much this week. I checked in on her and she replied and I tried talking to her but she stopped talking to me. I guessed maybe she went ahead and went to bed. Then I sent her a lengthy message about something funny that happened over here at my house yesterday. She read it and didn't reply. I think the new grandson on the way is why she isn't talking to me that much. I know that is weird, but that is what she did to me to get out of the birthday party and she has done that often to me for some weird reason.

She's good, she's not. It always boils down to being all about her. It's evident there are mental health problems on top of health problems that can be resolved, but she won't put in the effort. I think space might be a great thing and only ask her to come over when my husband is home. It's exhausting trying to have a relationship with someone that makes everything about them and doesn't want to contribute. Thank you for your prayers. They worked. I was contacted by a church and my babies got into their Mother's Day Out program. I am able to take them on Wednesdays and Fridays for 5 hours. Pray I can get my housekeeping caught up since my accident that happened over a year and a half ago.

Muhan said:
My advice to you, is to do all in your power,
at all times, concerning anything pertaining to her,
is acceptable to the living God. And if that means to endure
her scorn or wrath, then do it. And do nothing in return that
is not right before the Lord.

AND STOP LEANING TO YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING!

I have been holding my tongue a lot. I never say anything because that is my husband's mom and it's just not in my heart to retaliate. I want to serve The Lord. There is obviously some behavioral or mental health problems going on with her. At one point, my mom said for me to never go over to her house without my husband. I even dwindled down to just going over to her house once a season. Maybe doubled up a little in the winter due to celebrations. I've been praying for help. I got my answer this week. I got my babies into a Mother's Day Out, and it has been helpful.

Sam91 · Friday at 7:52 PM

Joy Allen said:
She came over last Friday. It was all good. I didn't hear from her much this week. I checked in on her and she replied and I tried talking to her but she stopped talking to me. I guessed maybe she went ahead and went to bed. Then I sent her a lengthy message about something funny that happened over here at my house yesterday. She read it and didn't reply. I think the new grandson on the way is why she isn't talking to me that much. I know that is weird, but that is what she did to me to get out of the birthday party and she has done that often to me for some weird reason.

She's good, she's not. It always boils down to being all about her. It's evident there are mental health problems on top of health problems that can be resolved, but she won't put in the effort. I think space might be a great thing and only ask her to come over when my husband is home. It's exhausting trying to have a relationship with someone that makes everything about them and doesn't want to contribute. Thank you for your prayers. They worked. I was contacted by a church and my babies got into their Mother's Day Out program. I am able to take them on Wednesdays and Fridays for 5 hours. Pray I can get my housekeeping caught up since my accident that happened over a year and a half ago.

I have been holding my tongue a lot. I never say anything because that is my husband's mom and it's just not in my heart to retaliate. I want to serve The Lord. There is obviously some behavioral or mental health problems going on with her. At one point, my mom said for me to never go over to her house without my husband. I even dwindled down to just going over to her house once a season. Maybe doubled up a little in the winter due to celebrations. I've been praying for help. I got my answer this week. I got my babies into a Mother's Day Out, and it has been helpful.

It strikes me that you could waste a lot of energy thinking about it all. (This is not a criticism please believe me. I do this too. I overthink and analyse everything solely because it is my thinking style. My counsellor thought of it as ruminating and my GP thinks it's indicative of anxiety. But really, there has to be something for me to analyse and plan or pattern find).

Maybe you should stop giving your MIL your head space. That type of thinking is draining, if you spend it on better things your thinking can uplift you. Asking her to only visit when husband is around seems a bit distancing and might cause negativity between the two of you.. Why risk the potential of it backfiring into years of extra tension? She might not come around as often when her other grandchild is born anyway, especially if she has limited energy.

As for leaving you on read. Yes, that can be rude. Yet my dad does it all the time. So do my friends. My dad can't be bothered, my friend is ill. It would only upset me if I chose to dwell on it, instead I choose not to worry about why or to expect replies. I've been thinking about it to try to empathise with you and it hurts that my own dad can't be bothered to message me back. Yet he isn't doing it to hurt me, he just can't be bothered. I'm going to forgive him for that and remember the serenity prayer.

'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference'

(Yet, I wouldn't have felt those things if I hadn't encouraged my mind to go down that way. I forgave him decades ago for his failings and instead have the best-rubbish relationship we can. It's functional at least. I try not to give the negative things much thought, he's incapable of being someone he's not)

So glad your babies got accepted into the mothers day out program. I hope the break helps a lot to recharge and catch up. Don't forget to do something enjoyable as well.

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Am I being used for grandchild time by my mother-in-law (MIL)?

Joy Allen

Matthew 6:26

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Sam91

Child of the Living God

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Joy Allen

Matthew 6:26

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Sam91

Child of the Living God

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Muhan

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Joy Allen

Matthew 6:26

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Sam91

Child of the Living God

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