This post mentions topics like suicide and religious trauma. Just a gentle warning.
Hello Catholics of this forum. I don't know what to do, and I've been anxious and depressed for a few days now. I'm an ex-Catholic. I left the Church around November 2023. There were many reasons that caused me to leave, notably mental health struggles and trauma. It's hard to accurately describe just how much being Catholic traumatized me. It's a lot to go into, but basically it worsened my OCD diagnosis, made me have an obsessive and unhealthy fear of God, constantly worry about mortal sin, make me feel like I'm damned to hell, etc. God felt like an abuser to me, and I was constantly at confession to remedy the mortal sins I thought I committed. And when I went to confession, I often found no solace — sometimes I even faced judgment. One time I was told that I was responsible for my cat's death, and I spent the whole car ride home crying. I've seen so many hateful Catholics online that are abusive or mean to LGBTQ people online, mean to Protestants, or cheering for the idea of people being in hell. I have had so many scary and negative online experiences with Catholics. Even typing my experience in the Church causes me to become anxious, afraid, and angry. Even worse, I don't want children, but according to the Catholic Church, I have to have a child in order to marry someone. So I am not allowed to love just because I struggle with mental illness and don't want to pass it to children, and because I don't feel capable of being a capable parent? And yet when I was Catholic I was turned down for being too mentally ill to be a nun! I can't seem to win no matter what I do...I can't describe the level of anger I have towards the Catholic Faith.
But I want to note that my experience in Catholicism hasn't, of course, been all negative. I met the kindest priest and one of the kindest people in the world who regularly guided me, loved me, and showed me great pastoral care. I had a good friend, Rachel, who truly loved me. When I was a child, I had wonderful memories of going to mass on Easter Vigil, smelling that "Catholic smell" and soaking in the mysticism of the whole thing. I still pray the Rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, Surrender Novena, and other novenas. I worship like a Catholic currently, even though I'm Protestant (keep reading)
But I still have a visceral fight or flight response to a lot of Catholic things and the response I feel is rage, sadness, or fear. And it boiled over when I left in November. I left with a lot of sadness and pain, lost and deep in sin. I left Christianity altogether. It was a very, very painful time. I was suicidal and attempting suicide.
But God did bring me back to Him, through a very loving, kind, and open/progressive church of the UCC denomination. I feel loved, accepted, and most importantly *safe* there. They don't make me feel anxious, every time I go there I feel the love and warning presence of God. I've taken such a love and interest in the Bible and my relationship with God is the healthiest it's been since I became Catholic in 2021. I love being Protestant. I love Protestant theology, which makes me feel that God is loving and not punitive, and it puts my anxiety at ease. I experience less OCD and scrupulosity. I just feel better, period. I practice like a Protestant, but I worship like a Catholic. I go to a Protestant church but at home I pray the Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet.
But I had a dream that perturbed me. Lately I've been having an intense desire for the Eucharist. I want the Real Presence. I want to touch and taste God. I need that physical union with God and I really miss that. I've been feeling this for months. A few nights ago I had a dream I was in Mass. I saw the priest break the bread and hand it to the congregants. I was leaned down, the Mass was in a candlelit, dark church, like the opening of Easter Vigil. The priest gave me the Eucharist through the bread. I looked at it and became sad that I couldn't take it. I said to the congregant next to me, "I can't take this. I'm not Catholic. I can't be Catholic". And she said she will pray for me. It felt like I was speaking to real people. I know this sounds cliche, but it felt like I talked to the real saints in heaven. I don't know. It could all be a product of my mind, but it has pained me a lot.
I want the Eucharist so much, the Real Presence, and if God is calling me to Catholicism from my dream, then I need His help. But I don't want to be Catholic. I don't want to feel like I'm losing my soul and being traumatized again. I don't want to develop PTSD over this. I used to cry when I heard Christian content because it was so triggering. I finally got to the point where I can feel safe with God. I don't want to be hurt again. I'm afraid. I am so very, very afraid.
Hello Catholics of this forum. I don't know what to do, and I've been anxious and depressed for a few days now. I'm an ex-Catholic. I left the Church around November 2023. There were many reasons that caused me to leave, notably mental health struggles and trauma. It's hard to accurately describe just how much being Catholic traumatized me. It's a lot to go into, but basically it worsened my OCD diagnosis, made me have an obsessive and unhealthy fear of God, constantly worry about mortal sin, make me feel like I'm damned to hell, etc. God felt like an abuser to me, and I was constantly at confession to remedy the mortal sins I thought I committed. And when I went to confession, I often found no solace — sometimes I even faced judgment. One time I was told that I was responsible for my cat's death, and I spent the whole car ride home crying. I've seen so many hateful Catholics online that are abusive or mean to LGBTQ people online, mean to Protestants, or cheering for the idea of people being in hell. I have had so many scary and negative online experiences with Catholics. Even typing my experience in the Church causes me to become anxious, afraid, and angry. Even worse, I don't want children, but according to the Catholic Church, I have to have a child in order to marry someone. So I am not allowed to love just because I struggle with mental illness and don't want to pass it to children, and because I don't feel capable of being a capable parent? And yet when I was Catholic I was turned down for being too mentally ill to be a nun! I can't seem to win no matter what I do...I can't describe the level of anger I have towards the Catholic Faith.
But I want to note that my experience in Catholicism hasn't, of course, been all negative. I met the kindest priest and one of the kindest people in the world who regularly guided me, loved me, and showed me great pastoral care. I had a good friend, Rachel, who truly loved me. When I was a child, I had wonderful memories of going to mass on Easter Vigil, smelling that "Catholic smell" and soaking in the mysticism of the whole thing. I still pray the Rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet, Surrender Novena, and other novenas. I worship like a Catholic currently, even though I'm Protestant (keep reading)
But I still have a visceral fight or flight response to a lot of Catholic things and the response I feel is rage, sadness, or fear. And it boiled over when I left in November. I left with a lot of sadness and pain, lost and deep in sin. I left Christianity altogether. It was a very, very painful time. I was suicidal and attempting suicide.
But God did bring me back to Him, through a very loving, kind, and open/progressive church of the UCC denomination. I feel loved, accepted, and most importantly *safe* there. They don't make me feel anxious, every time I go there I feel the love and warning presence of God. I've taken such a love and interest in the Bible and my relationship with God is the healthiest it's been since I became Catholic in 2021. I love being Protestant. I love Protestant theology, which makes me feel that God is loving and not punitive, and it puts my anxiety at ease. I experience less OCD and scrupulosity. I just feel better, period. I practice like a Protestant, but I worship like a Catholic. I go to a Protestant church but at home I pray the Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet.
But I had a dream that perturbed me. Lately I've been having an intense desire for the Eucharist. I want the Real Presence. I want to touch and taste God. I need that physical union with God and I really miss that. I've been feeling this for months. A few nights ago I had a dream I was in Mass. I saw the priest break the bread and hand it to the congregants. I was leaned down, the Mass was in a candlelit, dark church, like the opening of Easter Vigil. The priest gave me the Eucharist through the bread. I looked at it and became sad that I couldn't take it. I said to the congregant next to me, "I can't take this. I'm not Catholic. I can't be Catholic". And she said she will pray for me. It felt like I was speaking to real people. I know this sounds cliche, but it felt like I talked to the real saints in heaven. I don't know. It could all be a product of my mind, but it has pained me a lot.
I want the Eucharist so much, the Real Presence, and if God is calling me to Catholicism from my dream, then I need His help. But I don't want to be Catholic. I don't want to feel like I'm losing my soul and being traumatized again. I don't want to develop PTSD over this. I used to cry when I heard Christian content because it was so triggering. I finally got to the point where I can feel safe with God. I don't want to be hurt again. I'm afraid. I am so very, very afraid.
