Ep 5:
Was Paul teaching that a husband needed to earn his wife's respect?
No. Paul taught mutual love and mutual respect between the husband and wife.
Col 3:
Wives, if you want to "earn" your husbands' love, respect them and submit to them.
Husbands, if you want to "earn" your wives' respect, love them.
The point wasn't so much about earning love and respect as about mutual love and respect. Paul pointed out the ways: Husband, love your wife, and she will be inspired to respect you. Wife, respect your husband, and he will naturally love you. These are the two approaches to achieving mutual love and respect between husband and wife. Paul described complementary obligations rather than a conditional "earning" system.
As happy as I am with your recommendations, for clarity I'd like to add some nuance to the common interpretations for the various NT verses dealing with the husband/wife relationship.
Although in the English language one might correctly say that from an NT perspective both husband and wife are supposed to love and respect one another, the Greek wording that Paul is using to describe the 'love/respect' for husbands towards their wives and vice-versa is
clearly asymmetrical and different depending on the direction.
E.g. Paul says husbands should 'love' their wives - and he uses the Greek word
ἀγαπάω (
agapaō) (G25) for that (Ephesians 5:25, Colossians 3:19). However when speaking about wives should love their husbands he is using a different Greek word
φιλάοἰ (
philandros) for that (G5362) (Titus 2:4). It is up for interpretation what to make of that but still significant - these words are not full synonyms.
The asymmetry becomes even starker in the 'respect' verse in Ephesians 5:33. Only modern translations use the English word 'respect' to translate the Greek word
φοβῆται,
phobeitai (G5399) yet nearly ALL older English translations use the word 'fear'. Observe the following for this Greek word 'phobeitai':
- in the NT this word is universally translated as 'fear' except for modern translations in Ephesians 5:33 - modern translators somehow didn't consider this translation to be acceptable or befitting from the 20st century on-wards to describe the relationship between husband and wife.
- our English word 'phobia' is directly related to this very word
- the verb φοβῆται, phobeitai (G5399) by definition is an asymmetrical word that can only be applied in the direction from the subject to the one who rules/subjects; e.g. from the one in submission towards to the one in authority/power. That is why the NT tells us to 'fear' (Greek: phobeitai) God and tells wives to 'fear' (Greek: phobeitai) their husbands. By using this very word Paul is directly confirming the concept of Patriarchy - he couldn't have written the reverse: a husband is not commanded to 'fear' (Greek: phobeitai) his wife - because would be the Biblical framework upside down.
So in summary: while in English the words love/respect may be used symmetrically for husbands/wives - this usage obscures or even whitewashes the fundamental difference Paul is teaching for the relationship between the marital partners.
Let's face it - in modern Western churches it is common now to downplay or even deny the Patriarchal aspect of Paul's teaching because it has become so incompatible with modern Western society and its values.
And even when it is still taught, a common argument is: respect/submission towards the husband is conditional to him being a good man. That line of reasoning however would also mean that a husband's love towards his wife also is conditional to her being a good woman. (Both are obviously false statements).
Paul's writings make it plausible husbands
need the exhortation to love their wives; and wives
need the exhortation to respect/submit to their husbands. I suspect Paul highlights the typical weak points for both sexes.
