I think I'm either the seed among thorns or the rock

Lady Bug · Sep 1, 2024

I may only disclose what I want to disclose right now. I'm starting to think that I'm not one of those who will endure to the end and hence be saved. I know that multitudes of people in history have endured the unthinkable and it has strengthened them but I rather feel weakened. I also have a great degree of concern that I have disgraced myself by not being in church for X weeks (it might have become months) now. If or when I'm able to come back, how will I explain the real reasons? Last night I wrote down as much as possible everything I'm going through for the past three months, that may shed some light as to why this is all happening. If I have to tell people the problems I'll just show them what I wrote in the journal. I'm tempted to write it here too but I would have to retype it all. I've never been this odd-feeling before even before I was a believer. I have mental and physical symptoms of not having been to Mass. It started off being "not my fault" and "not entirely within my control" but now it's becoming more of my own volition, which is bad. I know that I'm feeling mentally and even physically worse since not being at Mass, but every time I tell myself that the next weekend will be different, it's not. Once again, the crux of my issues are finally written down and I'm really apprehensive of laying it out right now. I'm also really worried that I could be disgraced among the parishioners if I tried to come back. The parish is really good though, and I don't think these parishioners are like that, but I still feel humiliated. Am I even a legit member of the church based on my actions?

mourningdove~ · Sep 1, 2024

Lady Bug said:
I may only disclose what I want to disclose right now. I'm starting to think that I'm not one of those who will endure to the end and hence be saved. I know that multitudes of people in history have endured the unthinkable and it has strengthened them but I rather feel weakened. I also have a great degree of concern that I have disgraced myself by not being in church for X weeks (it might have become months) now. If or when I'm able to come back, how will I explain the real reasons? Last night I wrote down as much as possible everything I'm going through for the past three months, that may shed some light as to why this is all happening. If I have to tell people the problems I'll just show them what I wrote in the journal. I'm tempted to write it here too but I would have to retype it all. I've never been this odd-feeling before even before I was a believer. I have mental and physical symptoms of not having been to Mass. It started off being "not my fault" and "not entirely within my control" but now it's becoming more of my own volition, which is bad. I know that I'm feeling mentally and even physically worse since not being at Mass, but every time I tell myself that the next weekend will be different, it's not. Once again, the crux of my issues are finally written down and I'm really apprehensive of laying it out right now. I'm also really worried that I could be disgraced among the parishioners if I tried to come back. The parish is really good though, and I don't think these parishioners are like that, but I still feel humiliated. Am I even a legit member of the church based on my actions?

I'm not in a position to address the Mass issue (others here can), but ... sometimes when we are under chronic stress ... like the chronic stress of abuse ... our life becomes all about 'surviving' ... and that is the best we can do, under the situation.

And the chronic stress ... like that of ongoing abuse ... is very emotionally and mentally and physically draining. It zaps our energy. It can affect the way we think. It continually demands our focus and attention. To where all we can do is hope to survive the situation, from day to day. And what more can a person do in that situation? ... but to survive, and not lose faith in God ... until the cross is lifted.

You are not required to give the people at church a reason for why you have not been there. They are not your bosses. And I have no doubt that many of them have struggles in their lives, too, that they just don't discuss. There are no perfect people with perfect lives. lol. But ... if you have not done so already, you might want to discuss things with your priest so that he understands your struggle better. And perhaps he can give you some counsel, about the Mass situation.

I would tell you, that the enemy of our soul can sometimes work hard against us when we are alone alot, and especially if we are suffering. He especially likes to heap feelings of shame and humiliation upon us. That is why we don't want to be alone all the time, and it is good to regularly fellowship with others ... at church, and here, too ... so we remember who we are in Christ. We all need to be reminded from time to time that we are a child of God ... we belong to Him ... and especially when we are suffering or find ourselves alone is this battle called life.

Over the months, you have shared bits of your story. I just want to say, please don't underestimate the effect that abuse can have on one's life. Please don't be too hard on yourself. And when possible, I would try to find ways to stay close to God. Even just the little ways. God sees the 'little ways' ...

... that is what I believe.

JesusFollowerForever · Sep 1, 2024

Lady Bug said:
I may only disclose what I want to disclose right now. I'm starting to think that I'm not one of those who will endure to the end and hence be saved. I know that multitudes of people in history have endured the unthinkable and it has strengthened them but I rather feel weakened. I also have a great degree of concern that I have disgraced myself by not being in church for X weeks (it might have become months) now. If or when I'm able to come back, how will I explain the real reasons? Last night I wrote down as much as possible everything I'm going through for the past three months, that may shed some light as to why this is all happening. If I have to tell people the problems I'll just show them what I wrote in the journal. I'm tempted to write it here too but I would have to retype it all. I've never been this odd-feeling before even before I was a believer. I have mental and physical symptoms of not having been to Mass. It started off being "not my fault" and "not entirely within my control" but now it's becoming more of my own volition, which is bad. I know that I'm feeling mentally and even physically worse since not being at Mass, but every time I tell myself that the next weekend will be different, it's not. Once again, the crux of my issues are finally written down and I'm really apprehensive of laying it out right now. I'm also really worried that I could be disgraced among the parishioners if I tried to come back. The parish is really good though, and I don't think these parishioners are like that, but I still feel humiliated. Am I even a legit member of the church based on my actions?

yes you are a legit member of your church of course, you coming back to your church is your own affair and will not disgrace you at all on the contrary. there are no humiliation for you to go back to church so do not fret about it, if going to church does you good then please do. Also there is no obligation for anyone to be there all the time is there?

Blessings and take it easy, remember you are never alone;

John 14:16-17 (KJV): "And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you."
John 14:18 (KJV): "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you."

chevyontheriver · Sep 1, 2024

Lady Bug said:
I may only disclose what I want to disclose right now. I'm starting to think that I'm not one of those who will endure to the end and hence be saved. I know that multitudes of people in history have endured the unthinkable and it has strengthened them but I rather feel weakened. I also have a great degree of concern that I have disgraced myself by not being in church for X weeks (it might have become months) now. If or when I'm able to come back, how will I explain the real reasons? Last night I wrote down as much as possible everything I'm going through for the past three months, that may shed some light as to why this is all happening. If I have to tell people the problems I'll just show them what I wrote in the journal. I'm tempted to write it here too but I would have to retype it all. I've never been this odd-feeling before even before I was a believer. I have mental and physical symptoms of not having been to Mass. It started off being "not my fault" and "not entirely within my control" but now it's becoming more of my own volition, which is bad. I know that I'm feeling mentally and even physically worse since not being at Mass, but every time I tell myself that the next weekend will be different, it's not. Once again, the crux of my issues are finally written down and I'm really apprehensive of laying it out right now. I'm also really worried that I could be disgraced among the parishioners if I tried to come back. The parish is really good though, and I don't think these parishioners are like that, but I still feel humiliated. Am I even a legit member of the church based on my actions?

I know things have been hard for you. You have suffered a lot. You have taken a lot of abuse. And it has naturally worn you down. It's crushing you.

You will not be disgraced with your fellow parishioners. If any should feel any disgrace, maybe, it's some of them for not having come to your assistance and supported you more. No, they have no right to look down on you, nor do I think they would. If one would look down on you then you can show them what you have been going through.

The bigger issue is you feeling disgraced. Bring that concern to the LORD. Your father is humiliating you, and thus you feel humiliated. Your Father in heaven is fully on your side and wants good for you. Your fellow parishioners, to the extent they even know what has been happening, are on your side and want good for you. Do not let your father alienate you from them.

joymercy · Sep 1, 2024

Maybe consider quietly watching online adoration, when dad is not aware, and be blessed by the real presence of our Lord who loves you:

Solo81 · Sep 1, 2024

Lady Bug said:
I may only disclose what I want to disclose right now. I'm starting to think that I'm not one of those who will endure to the end and hence be saved. I know that multitudes of people in history have endured the unthinkable and it has strengthened them but I rather feel weakened. I also have a great degree of concern that I have disgraced myself by not being in church for X weeks (it might have become months) now. If or when I'm able to come back, how will I explain the real reasons? Last night I wrote down as much as possible everything I'm going through for the past three months, that may shed some light as to why this is all happening. If I have to tell people the problems I'll just show them what I wrote in the journal. I'm tempted to write it here too but I would have to retype it all. I've never been this odd-feeling before even before I was a believer. I have mental and physical symptoms of not having been to Mass. It started off being "not my fault" and "not entirely within my control" but now it's becoming more of my own volition, which is bad. I know that I'm feeling mentally and even physically worse since not being at Mass, but every time I tell myself that the next weekend will be different, it's not. Once again, the crux of my issues are finally written down and I'm really apprehensive of laying it out right now. I'm also really worried that I could be disgraced among the parishioners if I tried to come back. The parish is really good though, and I don't think these parishioners are like that, but I still feel humiliated. Am I even a legit member of the church based on my actions?

It boils down to decision, Ladybug. You need to decide that you are going to go to Mass and that no matter what, you're going to Mass. You missed Sunday Mass - okay. What's stopping you from going tomorrow? Why can't you go Tuesday? If you want to go to Mass, you can and you will. You make time for other things, no?
Time to cut the excuses and get your backside to the next Mass. Don't wait for the feelings or emotions; make the decision and stick to it!
You can do all things through Christ, who strenghtens you...if you choose to.

chevyontheriver · Sep 1, 2024

Solo81 said:
It boils down to decision, Ladybug. You need to decide that you are going to go to Mass and that no matter what, you're going to Mass. You missed Sunday Mass - okay. What's stopping you from going tomorrow? Why can't you go Tuesday? If you want to go to Mass, you can and you will. You make time for other things, no?
Time to cut the excuses and get your backside to the next Mass. Don't wait for the feelings or emotions; make the decision and stick to it!
You can do all things through Christ, who strenghtens you...if you choose to.

In her case it’s active harsh opposition from her father, and she has been dealing with this relentless opposition for a few years. So yes, it is about what she chooses, but she has already been heroic.

mourningdove~ · Sep 1, 2024

Solo81 said:
It boils down to decision, Ladybug. You need to decide that you are going to go to Mass and that no matter what, you're going to Mass. You missed Sunday Mass - okay. What's stopping you from going tomorrow? Why can't you go Tuesday? If you want to go to Mass, you can and you will. You make time for other things, no?
Time to cut the excuses and get your backside to the next Mass. Don't wait for the feelings or emotions; make the decision and stick to it!
You can do all things through Christ, who strenghtens you...if you choose to.

There is certainly a time and a place for a brotherly/sisterly rebuke spoken in love, but I think (?) you might agree that this isn't the time or place for it, if you were more familiar with our sister's situation.

Solo81 · Sep 2, 2024

chevyontheriver said:
In her case it’s active harsh opposition from her father, and she has been dealing with this relentless opposition for a few years. So yes, it is about what she chooses, but she has already been heroic.

Ladybug writes "It started off being "not my fault" and "not entirely within my control" but now it's becoming more of my own volition,..."

She knows something else is creeping in and the only way to nip that in the bud is, well...make a decision to go to Mass.

Solo81 · Sep 2, 2024

mourningdove~ said:
There is certainly a time and a place for a brotherly/sisterly rebuke spoken in love, but I think (?) you might agree that this isn't the time or place for it, if you were more familiar with our sister's situation.

Are you a moderator?

chevyontheriver · Sep 2, 2024

Solo81 said:
Ladybug writes "It started off being "not my fault" and "not entirely within my control" but now it's becoming more of my own volition,..."

She knows something else is creeping in and the only way to nip that in the bud is, well...make a decision to go to Mass.

Yes. She is being abused by her own father and has not yet been able to escape that abuse. The abuse has been going on since she became a Christian. So sure, all she needs to do is run out the door and go to Mass. But you can do a lot more to understand what has happened and is happening.

chevyontheriver · Sep 2, 2024

Solo81 said:
Are you a moderator?

Are you a low information pontificator passing out solutions to other people's problems?

Solo81 · Sep 2, 2024

chevyontheriver said:
Are you a low information pontificator passing out solutions to other people's

chevyontheriver said:
Yes. She is being abused by her own father and has not yet been able to escape that abuse. The abuse has been going on since she became a Christian. So sure, all she needs to do is run out the door and go to Mass. But you can do a lot more to understand what has happened and is happening.

Her dad gives out to her and argues with her for abandoning Islam.
Has it come to physical violence? Has police intervention been required?

Add: The purpose of these threads are for solutions, ideas, advice and whatnot.
The thread should be clearly marked if it's intended as a blog entry where only hugs, tears and sympathy are allowed.

Michie · Sep 2, 2024

Everyone- this has been going on forever. There is no need to fight about it. Yes her Father and her have a dysfunctional dynamic. He is Muslim but he really does not practice. LB struggles as well with depression, sleep and medication issues. Her brother does not help much if at all. There are lots of things going on that require prayer for all concerned. But there is no reason to bicker about it. I have discussed these things with LB behind the scenes for years until just recently due to my own family issues. I do appreciate you all stepping up for her but there is no reason to fight about it. It will just be another thing for LB to feel badly about. We do not want her feeling guilty for posting about her issues on the open board for support on top of everything else. Lady Bug can correct me if I overstepped.

Michie · Sep 2, 2024

Keep posting Lady Bug. You need the support and it’s good to try to get it out of your system. Don’t stuff things inside. You’ve had enough of that.

Lady Bug · Sep 2, 2024

I don't know, maybe that Solo guy I could learn something from; I should try to just go to Mass but as I said in my OP, I'm exhibiting bizarre behavior and thoughts that I didn't even have before I came onto CF or officially believed in Christ and it is permeating every aspect of my life and making it exceedingly difficult, if not impossible, to care about a darned thing. It could be my meds doing this, or it could be many culprits. I was hesitant to share exactly what the problems are because it looks kind of personal. I think maybe when I was younger and tried to hold onto some hope that I had a future, prevented me from letting myself go in every aspect, but now that I'm in my mid-40s and fear aging when I never had a relationship before, and fear loneliness when the neighborhood that I once grew up in, that used to be more interpersonal, has changed and no one talks to each other, is making me gradually lose my mind. The only next-door neighbor from the old-school is one I could talk to about that but I'm worried she'll give me advice I "can't" take. Heck that is the reason why I get hesitant to talk to anyone. If they give me advice and I "can't" take it, they may lose compassion for me. And that's not even bringing my dad's behavior into the mix, which would make the most resilient person want to whatever. I hesitate to call him abusive, but I guess the way I describe it, anyone would easily call it that because there are people who are actually abusive in nature who exhibit those traits.
p.s. no I didn't share everything just now but did give a glimpse of it.

Michie · Sep 2, 2024

Lady Bug said:
I don't know, maybe that Solo guy I could learn something from; I should try to just go to Mass but as I said in my OP, I'm exhibiting bizarre behavior and thoughts that I didn't even have before I came onto CF or officially believed in Christ and it is permeating every aspect of my life and making it exceedingly difficult, if not impossible, to care about a darned thing. It could be my meds doing this, or it could be many culprits. I was hesitant to share exactly what the problems are because it looks kind of personal. I think maybe when I was younger and tried to hold onto some hope that I had a future, prevented me from letting myself go in every aspect, but now that I'm in my mid-40s and fear aging when I never had a relationship before, and fear loneliness when the neighborhood that I once grew up in, that used to be more interpersonal, has changed and no one talks to each other, is making me gradually lose my mind. The only next-door neighbor from the old-school is one I could talk to about that but I'm worried she'll give me advice I "can't" take. Heck that is the reason why I get hesitant to talk to anyone. If they give me advice and I "can't" take it, they may lose compassion for me. And that's not even bringing my dad's behavior into the mix, which would make the most resilient person want to whatever. I hesitate to call him abusive, but I guess the way I describe it, anyone would easily call it that because there are people who are actually abusive in nature who exhibit those traits.
p.s. no I didn't share everything just now but did give a glimpse of it.

Just keep talking as you are Lady Bug. I know you are resilient enough to take all commentary given to you. It just makes a person feel better that some have the time to listen even if they do not have all the answers. Of course people need compassion but nobody wants to be coddled either.

Unfortunately, I really think unless your dad becomes incapacitated, you are going to continue to have to deal with these longstanding issues with him. Then there is the matter of your meds, sleep, what interference you may have after your dad passes. It seems more like a one day at a time thing. Just try to take the issues as they come and try not to worry too far ahead. The Mass will definitely help you and you could go to a quick 30 minute Mass during the week on your way to do errands. Maybe see if you can get confession and speak to your priest of your struggles. One thing I will tell you though without a doubt, stop worrying what other may or may not think of you. You are struggling on several levels and if you miss Mass all you can do is go to confession or speak with your priest. Nobody knows another’s struggles on an intimate level like the person living it. Keep posting here and talk it out. And if people start bickering…it’s not your fault. You keep doing what is right for you. And it is right that you seek advice and support here from your brethren as well as your Church. So do not go into the mode of just stuffing it inside. I do not know if you are seeing a therapist or not but that would be a good outlet that can help you with your medical care too. Hang in there and know everyone here cares about you and is praying for you.

I think posting here to vent, etc. is a very healthy thing to do. Just do not worry about what other’s think. That’s on them. Not you.

mourningdove~ · Sep 2, 2024

Lady Bug said:
The only next-door neighbor from the old-school is one I could talk to about that but I'm worried she'll give me advice I "can't" take. Heck that is the reason why I get hesitant to talk to anyone. If they give me advice and I "can't" take it, they may lose compassion for me.

Just so's you know, @Lady Bug ... I respond to your posts because 'I care'.

And it will not make me think any less of you, if you heed any of the 'advice' I share or not. I just share because I care.

I do always have hope for you, that something shared in these threads ... by any of your friends here ... will be of some help to you. Whether it be an encouraging word, some wise counsel, or even the occasional loving rebuke. But God knows your situation best, He knows what you need and what is good for you, and so He can take the 'seeds' of advice given here, and 'plant' the ones with you that He thinks are important for you to consider.

It takes courage for someone to be as transparent as you have been about your situation. It takes humility to stop by and ask for counsel from others who you know to be friends. I do not see it as 'weakness', but rather as a 'strength', that you have been able to do those things. And I hope you will continue to feel comfortable sharing here when you need some friends to talk to.

RileyG · Sep 3, 2024

I will keep you in my prayers.

I will also ask St. Rita and St. Jude to pray for you.

God bless

AlexB23 · Sep 11, 2024

Lady Bug said:
I may only disclose what I want to disclose right now. I'm starting to think that I'm not one of those who will endure to the end and hence be saved. I know that multitudes of people in history have endured the unthinkable and it has strengthened them but I rather feel weakened. I also have a great degree of concern that I have disgraced myself by not being in church for X weeks (it might have become months) now. If or when I'm able to come back, how will I explain the real reasons? Last night I wrote down as much as possible everything I'm going through for the past three months, that may shed some light as to why this is all happening. If I have to tell people the problems I'll just show them what I wrote in the journal. I'm tempted to write it here too but I would have to retype it all. I've never been this odd-feeling before even before I was a believer. I have mental and physical symptoms of not having been to Mass. It started off being "not my fault" and "not entirely within my control" but now it's becoming more of my own volition, which is bad. I know that I'm feeling mentally and even physically worse since not being at Mass, but every time I tell myself that the next weekend will be different, it's not. Once again, the crux of my issues are finally written down and I'm really apprehensive of laying it out right now. I'm also really worried that I could be disgraced among the parishioners if I tried to come back. The parish is really good though, and I don't think these parishioners are like that, but I still feel humiliated. Am I even a legit member of the church based on my actions?

Hey, you are saved, cos you feel contrition, which is a form of feeling remorseful (Isaiah 6:5, 66:2 and Luke 18:10-14 discuss this matter). That means you truly love God and believe in Jesus, and that you want to honor Him. In the future, there may be a devotional about how when we feel down on ourselves about not doing the right thing, then that contrition shows that you have true devotion to God, and how you want to repent.

Is everything going better, my fellow Catholic sister? As a Catholic brother, I have to tell you that I skipped church a lot until 2023 and 2024, cos technology played a part in distracting me (such as movies and TV). Sometimes, to get back into church, you can make friends of your same age, and those folks can hold you accountable, or at least motivate you to get back into Mass. Or, you can meet a guy at a church group, and ask him out. Then, you would be motivated to go to church with him. Catholic guys are great to hang around with as friends.

Just kidding on that last part, unless that is your future plan.

I think I'm either the seed among thorns or the rock

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