Relationship Advice: Re-Marriage

smalltownguy24! said:

Hello Everyone!

I have a question. I'll explain the situation first. I began seeing a girl almost 2 years ago. Things are progressing nicely, and we're now talking about engagement, marriage, children, etc. Here's the part I am seeking guidance on. She was married before. The marriage largely ended due to the former husband being an alcoholic. She kicked him out, he then when out and began seeing another woman, with whom he had a child. This was a significant period of time before I began seeing her. My concern is marrying her being adultery in the eyes of God. I've been praying about it, researching it, and my thought process is this:

1. Re-marriage is allowed in the Bible under certain circumstances, one of those being adultery. If he has gone out and had relations with another woman, having a kid with her, and entering into a relationship with her, in my eyes that is adultery, and thus would allow her to re-marry and me to marry her without committing adultery.

Am I right in this line of thinking? I've really been praying over this and the world wide web has a load of opinions on this. Seeking guidance. Thank you everyone!

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Safe to say he committed adultery .
Blessings

That is complicated. We know that Jesus said that whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. But in my opinion, this commandment is meant to discuss divorces in a larger perspective. Think about it, someone could just remarry, divorce, remarry, divorce, remarry etc. Why would God allow that? Of course it is adultery, except if the spouse has died. A divorce always breaks hearts, souls, relationships... So does cheating, and that is why God allows divorce due to adultery.

The Biblical definition of adultery is a married woman being intimate with a man not her husband. So the former husband having another woman does not constitute adultery in Biblical terms (although it does in Modern Western terms), but may have breached any (extra-Biblical) promises of him being exclusive to her.

The former husband just being an alcoholic is not a Biblical just ground for divorce for her - only when he would physically harm her or would have stopped providing the basic requirements in marriage (which would have broken the covenant), or otherwise sexual immoral behaviour (according to Leviticus 18) by him.

smalltownguy24! said:

Hello Everyone!

I have a question. I'll explain the situation first. I began seeing a girl almost 2 years ago. Things are progressing nicely, and we're now talking about engagement, marriage, children, etc. Here's the part I am seeking guidance on. She was married before. The marriage largely ended due to the former husband being an alcoholic. She kicked him out, he then when out and began seeing another woman, with whom he had a child. This was a significant period of time before I began seeing her. My concern is marrying her being adultery in the eyes of God. I've been praying about it, researching it, and my thought process is this:

1. Re-marriage is allowed in the Bible under certain circumstances, one of those being adultery. If he has gone out and had relations with another woman, having a kid with her, and entering into a relationship with her, in my eyes that is adultery, and thus would allow her to re-marry and me to marry her without committing adultery.

Am I right in this line of thinking? I've really been praying over this and the world wide web has a load of opinions on this. Seeking guidance. Thank you everyone!

Click to expand...

If I were said "girl", I'd have nothing to do
with you.
Any idea why?

smalltownguy24! said:

Hello Everyone!

I have a question. I'll explain the situation first. I began seeing a girl almost 2 years ago. Things are progressing nicely, and we're now talking about engagement, marriage, children, etc. Here's the part I am seeking guidance on. She was married before. The marriage largely ended due to the former husband being an alcoholic. She kicked him out, he then when out and began seeing another woman, with whom he had a child. This was a significant period of time before I began seeing her. My concern is marrying her being adultery in the eyes of God. I've been praying about it, researching it, and my thought process is this:

1. Re-marriage is allowed in the Bible under certain circumstances, one of those being adultery. If he has gone out and had relations with another woman, having a kid with her, and entering into a relationship with her, in my eyes that is adultery, and thus would allow her to re-marry and me to marry her without committing adultery.

Am I right in this line of thinking? I've really been praying over this and the world wide web has a load of opinions on this. Seeking guidance. Thank you everyone!

Click to expand...

You'll get more biblically centric and explicitly Christian responses if you post in the Christians-only areas of the forum. So know that here you'll get a wide range of answers from a wide range of people with vastly different views and life experiences.

Speaking as a Christian, I believe that the biblical condemnations on divorce are rooted in the harm divorce can have, and the historical contexts in which divorce could often happen and create troubling circumstances, usually for the woman.

For some historical context: In the first century there were two major rabbinic schools of thought, following two incredibly important Jewish sages, Bet Hillel, named after Hillel the Elder and Bet Shammai, named after Shammai. Each of these rabbinic schools had a lot of differences on how they addressed Halakha, or how to apply Torah to Jewish life. Divorce was an example of where these schools disagreed. According to Bet Hillel a husband could seek a certificate for divorce for nearly any offense, even very trivial ones (famously, even if the wife burnt the evening meal that could be regarded as a legitimate grounds for divorce); on the other hand Bet Shammai held that a husband could only seek a certificate for divorce for serious offenses, such as infidelity. When Jesus condemns divorce, except in serious offenses, Jesus is, in a sense, arguing in favor of the Shammai school of thought--divorce is serious, and should only be permitted under serious circumstances. And Jesus appeals to the command in Genesis, that a man clings to his wife and the two become one flesh; that divorce exists only because of weakness and should only be permitted when there is serious offense.

This is coupled with the fact that the time period we are talking about was not a particularly kind one toward women. A divorced woman didn't have a lot of options going forward, she didn't exactly have a lot of rights, or a high legal status in either the Jewish or Greco-Roman world. So a husband who could simply toss his wife away was throwing her under the bus.

The rest of the New Testament likewise takes a dim view of divorce, believing that marriage is sacred. Adultery is not a legal loophole that makes divorce okay; rather it's about understanding that divorce is very serious and marriage is very good. So ending a marriage is a serious thing--people are not disposable.

So I'd argue that, all things considered, you shouldn't feel guilty about marrying someone who came out of a bad marriage--you both deserve to seek a relationship of mutual love and good will, in which a partnership and cooperation can exist. But, also, from a purely, let's say legal perspective, yes the ex-husband by both his bad behavior and his finding a new partner has, in essence, released her from her vows and she is free to remarry.

However I don't think that we should, as a matter of course, be always trying to think in strict legalistic ways; but rather we should understand the reasons behind certain things are written the way they are in Scripture. We shouldn't assume rules for the sake of rules because rules; but that there are good reasons, there is context, and most importantly there is love and concern which underscores what is written.

-CryptoLutheran

You should have addressed this before you agreed to get involved. Now it's more complicated and you've permitted things to go too far and the probability of hurt is great. This isn't something you figure out with the altar looming. Consideration requires us to address difficult subjects sooner than later to minimize harm.

While I don't date men who've married in the past or produced children. I acknowledge that upfront so there's no confusion. If you've known her situation all along and proceeded it appears you were thinking of yourself and not the consequences. Which is unfortunate for you both. If you walk away you've wasted your time and hers. If you remain you'll have to make peace with her past and may determine you erred later on.

~bella

Since you are struggling with your faith/guidance on this, you need solid biblical teaching. Though older, (1984) this is is the book I would recommend. https://www.amazon.com/What-About-Divorce-Spiros-Zodhiates/dp/0899575749
It is as comprehensive on this subject that I have ever seen. One theme is that God does not punish the innocent. The book goes into details of the exact Hebrew and Greek words and meanings on the issue of divorce.

Richard T said:

Since you are struggling with your faith/guidance on this, you need solid biblical teaching. Though older, (1984) this is is the book I would recommend. https://www.amazon.com/What-About-Divorce-Spiros-Zodhiates/dp/0899575749
It is as comprehensive on this subject that I have ever seen. One theme is that God does not punish the innocent. The book goes into details of the exact Hebrew and Greek words and meanings on the issue of divorce.

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I haven't read the book but I'm familiar with his work and discovered him through a bible study years ago. He knows his stuff.

~bella

Maria Billingsley said:

Safe to say he committed adultery .
Blessings

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Biblically, it was lawful for a man to have wives and concubines. Today's word, 'wife' was Ishshah meaning the man's ah. It also meant sacrifice as in her father giving her to who He decided, and it also meant the fire in the man's life.
Generally a believing man was expected to take a virgin. Thus, people today are applying concepts and words that do not apply to Biblical principles in this matter. Furthermore, the origin of the word 'wife' comes from Germanic old English wifman, meaning with the man.

If you find a Scriptural loophole I want to know about it.
I've stayed 45 years after my wife's affair.
And for 45 years she has been furious with me because I won't divorce her, telling me many times that I'm just using "religion" as an excuse. She had the affair after deciding she no longer wanted to be my wife. She got saved a few months after her affair and I was saved just a couple if months after her affair.
But she's been free for 45 years to divorce me.
She just doesn't want to give up her victim role.
She hates me and has told me many, many times she doesn't want to be my wife.
If she does, I will obey what I believe Scripture says and remain unmarried.
I realize this is a highly controversial subject, but I believe Jesus spoke directly to my heart on this matter and I have held on to that.

Grafted In said:

If you find a Scriptural loophole I want to know about it.
I've stayed 45 years after my wife's affair.
And for 45 years she has been furious with me because I won't divorce her, telling me many times that I'm just using "religion" as an excuse. She had the affair after deciding she no longer wanted to be my wife. She got saved a few months after her affair and I was saved just a couple if months after her affair.
But she's been free for 45 years to divorce me.
She just doesn't want to give up her victim role.
She hates me and has told me many, many times she doesn't want to be my wife.
If she does, I will obey what I believe Scripture says and remain unmarried.
I realize this is a highly controversial subject, but I believe Jesus spoke directly to my heart on this matter and I have held on to that.

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You do not have to divorce her. You can have a another female in your life. The scriptures that seem to say One wife, are really saying have gals that are as one with You, as in unified in being with You. The Bible does not condemn that, but supports that.
But if You love the Pharisee society today, enjoy it all you can, but there is no real joy in serving the Pharisee society that, as YahShua said, makes the Perfect Word and Logic of the Creator of none effect on Earth.

smalltownguy24! said:

Hello Everyone!

I have a question. I'll explain the situation first. I began seeing a girl almost 2 years ago. Things are progressing nicely, and we're now talking about engagement, marriage, children, etc. Here's the part I am seeking guidance on. She was married before. The marriage largely ended due to the former husband being an alcoholic. She kicked him out, he then when out and began seeing another woman, with whom he had a child. This was a significant period of time before I began seeing her. My concern is marrying her being adultery in the eyes of God. I've been praying about it, researching it, and my thought process is this:

1. Re-marriage is allowed in the Bible under certain circumstances, one of those being adultery. If he has gone out and had relations with another woman, having a kid with her, and entering into a relationship with her, in my eyes that is adultery, and thus would allow her to re-marry and me to marry her without committing adultery.

Am I right in this line of thinking? I've really been praying over this and the world wide web has a load of opinions on this. Seeking guidance. Thank you everyone!

Click to expand...

The question is: Jesus is the last of the Seventy weeks of Daniel to (be forgiven from original sin)/(get eternal life) and to bring eternal justice(Apocalypse brings eternal justice).
In addition there'll be the New Creation for Jesus followers, however a believer is free to follow Jesus and he can be saved if he isn't against Jesus(Take a loot at John 12, 48, also 1Cor 5, 5).
Now if a woman is christian, you cannot re-marry her if you want to (follow Jesus)/(aspire to Jesus promises) but if she isn't christian then she can convert and start from zero.
If you aren't able to follow Jesus, you can marry her out of the church as a saved believer in Jesus(without following him).