- Jan 18, 2019
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Along with that I still continue to deal with blasphemous thoughts.
It changes continually. I'm at a point now where I'm worrying about the unpardonable sin. When I hadn't been worried about it in so long, because once it was explained to me my heart settled, and so I was no longer afraid or worried that I was ever doing that. But now overthinking has brought me back to that. Because from the way I interpret it in scripture, it looks like it says this about anyone who attributes the work of God to Satan. I got horrible thoughts, what-ifs, in my head, worrying then is that what I did? Because I remember at a time reading the bible and reading scriptures talking about different instances of God's wrath and thoughts popping up in my head "Wow the Lord is evil!" Something along the lines of that...and I gasped. What? I don't think that. I would never believe that about God. I'm thinking to myself, but it felt like I did, oh my gosh, what if I did? I went to extreme panic, and looking back I struggle to remember if I really thought that or not. I've been praying over it.
I've been praying over so much, continually. I know the devil is at work to stop me from praying, standing in faith and believing. I've gone through periods of feeling so low...and so afraid of giving up. Because it's like no matter how much I pray, ask for God to give me strength to push things away, no matter how much I go through scripture, I fear. I fear that I'm not focused on the word enough, not soaking it in enough, not enough this or that, always something in the back of my mind worrying there's something I'm still not doing that God wants me to do...but again, it's bondage. I have to know that's the devil trying to tell me nothing's enough. I've been trying to focus on the Word one scripture at a time because I previously have overwhelmed myself with too much at once, thinking I needed to read a bunch of scripture otherwise I think I'm slacking off or putting other things before God.
There are so many thoughts where I'm afraid of doing this or that, being this or that, and I know I have to realize, recognize where the devil is accusing me, not God convicting me. Here my mind is trying to convince it's self that God is telling me these things or somehow in someway it's God wanting me to reach this logic but I realize it's me going to the extreme, leaning on my own understanding.
That's one of my biggest problems. I'm constantly in a struggle with striving to put the Word in practice, consider where God's voice has been at different times of day, where He might be speaking through people, if He could be saying this or that, or am I overspiritualizing? I do that a lot, taking every little thing to be God when I should realize that's not true.
And that's why I struggle so badly to hear God's voice, because I'm so caught up in other voices in my head, my overthinking. I'm so afraid of missing out on what God says that I'm getting paranoid? I'm trying to hear, see God in the little things but I'm taking it way too far. Then I try looking things up on the internet and I only get confused more. Here I try to look back on words that have popped up in my head, certain scripture, but a lot of times just random words and I go thinking these things are God when they come up like "yes", "no", "yes", "no", and I realize that God is not some magic 8 ball.
That's the thing. I made such a poor choice with looking things up on the internet that it's clouded my thoughts. Here I'm trying to relate this or that someone said to the Word and I just end up overthinking it. Or I think...what if this or that someone said is true. Even if what things I read are confusing and tripping me up I think, what if I'm ignoring something that's true? That's the other thing. Scripture comes up in my head constantly and I stop to wonder how much is me misapplying scripture. Because I'm thinking about what I've read online in articles, think, what if what these people are saying is true and I have to do this or that? So scripture comes up like "My people will be destroyed by a lack of knowledge" or any scripture saying how you're a fool for ignoring the sound wisdom.
Continue to In Need of Serious Prayer Pt. 3
It changes continually. I'm at a point now where I'm worrying about the unpardonable sin. When I hadn't been worried about it in so long, because once it was explained to me my heart settled, and so I was no longer afraid or worried that I was ever doing that. But now overthinking has brought me back to that. Because from the way I interpret it in scripture, it looks like it says this about anyone who attributes the work of God to Satan. I got horrible thoughts, what-ifs, in my head, worrying then is that what I did? Because I remember at a time reading the bible and reading scriptures talking about different instances of God's wrath and thoughts popping up in my head "Wow the Lord is evil!" Something along the lines of that...and I gasped. What? I don't think that. I would never believe that about God. I'm thinking to myself, but it felt like I did, oh my gosh, what if I did? I went to extreme panic, and looking back I struggle to remember if I really thought that or not. I've been praying over it.
I've been praying over so much, continually. I know the devil is at work to stop me from praying, standing in faith and believing. I've gone through periods of feeling so low...and so afraid of giving up. Because it's like no matter how much I pray, ask for God to give me strength to push things away, no matter how much I go through scripture, I fear. I fear that I'm not focused on the word enough, not soaking it in enough, not enough this or that, always something in the back of my mind worrying there's something I'm still not doing that God wants me to do...but again, it's bondage. I have to know that's the devil trying to tell me nothing's enough. I've been trying to focus on the Word one scripture at a time because I previously have overwhelmed myself with too much at once, thinking I needed to read a bunch of scripture otherwise I think I'm slacking off or putting other things before God.
There are so many thoughts where I'm afraid of doing this or that, being this or that, and I know I have to realize, recognize where the devil is accusing me, not God convicting me. Here my mind is trying to convince it's self that God is telling me these things or somehow in someway it's God wanting me to reach this logic but I realize it's me going to the extreme, leaning on my own understanding.
That's one of my biggest problems. I'm constantly in a struggle with striving to put the Word in practice, consider where God's voice has been at different times of day, where He might be speaking through people, if He could be saying this or that, or am I overspiritualizing? I do that a lot, taking every little thing to be God when I should realize that's not true.
And that's why I struggle so badly to hear God's voice, because I'm so caught up in other voices in my head, my overthinking. I'm so afraid of missing out on what God says that I'm getting paranoid? I'm trying to hear, see God in the little things but I'm taking it way too far. Then I try looking things up on the internet and I only get confused more. Here I try to look back on words that have popped up in my head, certain scripture, but a lot of times just random words and I go thinking these things are God when they come up like "yes", "no", "yes", "no", and I realize that God is not some magic 8 ball.
That's the thing. I made such a poor choice with looking things up on the internet that it's clouded my thoughts. Here I'm trying to relate this or that someone said to the Word and I just end up overthinking it. Or I think...what if this or that someone said is true. Even if what things I read are confusing and tripping me up I think, what if I'm ignoring something that's true? That's the other thing. Scripture comes up in my head constantly and I stop to wonder how much is me misapplying scripture. Because I'm thinking about what I've read online in articles, think, what if what these people are saying is true and I have to do this or that? So scripture comes up like "My people will be destroyed by a lack of knowledge" or any scripture saying how you're a fool for ignoring the sound wisdom.
Continue to In Need of Serious Prayer Pt. 3
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