Should I go to my sister's wedding?

Cis.jd · Apr 22, 2021

Confused-by-christianity said:
And yes - I’ve been angry enough to write 3 pages on a forum about how manipulative, narcissistic and aggressive they are hahaha. ;-)

Yup, i do. I guess i should have considered that as well. Siblings being a pain in the butt to one another is a normal thing. So i agree, the OP is just under the circumstances of being siblings.

Anthony2019 · Apr 22, 2021

Personally, I think it would be a good idea for you to attend the wedding.

You may not feel like going, but I think that if you chose not to go, there is a possibility that you might regret that decision later on.

Your sister would be very upset if you did not show up at her wedding. She would probably remember your decision for the rest of her life.

And what about the wedding guests? I am sure you have very good intentions and wish the very best for your sister. But will the guests see it that way? Will they be admiring and respecting you for standing up for your values and beliefs? Or will they simply remember you as an important family member who failed to show up at the wedding. We are not talking about an ordinary everyday event, but an important occasion and landmark in your sister's life.

I very much doubt that you will be remembered by these people for the commitment to your faith, however honourable and commendable that may be. Instead I fear that you will be remembered for the fact that you were not there for your sister, and that memory may be lasting and permanent.

I do not believe for one moment that you are being unthoughtful and uncaring towards your sister. You have very strong Christian values which are strong and admirable. From your post, you come across as a very kind and caring person. I appreciate that you are wrestling with a difficult situation and are trying to do the right thing. May the Lord be with you and your sister, to guide you both, protect you and watch over you.

apogee · Apr 22, 2021

I think there are two questions you might benefit from considering.

1. In 10 years time, do you think you are likely to regret going to your sisters wedding?

2. In 10 years time, do you think you are likely to regret not going to your sisters wedding?

Strong in Him · Apr 22, 2021

tuliplane said:
So you really believe someone can go out of their way to hurt others, cause fights in their family, lie, etc., not repent, let some time go by, and then it's just the past...it's all over, everyone can move on?

No, not at all - though that's what I used to believe that forgiveness meant.
You have a right to say that you feel hurt by her behaviour and actions - if it happens in your house, you have a right to ask her to leave, and you have a right to challenge her.

tuliplane said:
I actually don't really hold grudges against her, am not consumed by it and wish her the best.

Great!

tuliplane said:
That is not to say I'm not still a bit upset or hurt,

Of course you are; that's natural, human and it's ok to feel like that.
It's even ok to say "you are my sister and I love and forgive you; but I am very unhappy with/hurt by your behaviour". If she knew that you disapproved of her living with her boyfriend, yet came and boasted about it and wanted to give details of the relationship; that's disrespectful.

tuliplane said:
Maybe God doesn't say He'll only forgive us if we mean it, but it goes without saying.

Maybe a person says sorry because they genuinely are, but they are also weak and know they will commit the sin again. Maybe they WANT to feel sorrow, but don't, or maybe they are just mocking God, saying words of a prayer because it is the thing to do, but with no intention of repenting. That's between them and him - Scripture just says that if we confess our sins he WILL forgive us and make us clean.

tuliplane said:
Jesus' death on the cross means nothing then if people can be forgiven without repenting.

Yes, maybe.
But on the cross, Jesus asked God to forgive those who were crucifying him because they didn't know what they were doing? Was that request enough - or did the soldiers, Pilate, the crowd etc later have to kneel at his feet and confess their sin?

Forgiveness releases US. It's when we say "no matter if you don't admit that you hurt me or if I never see you again; I will not cling on to the memory of what you did, seek retribution, wish hurt upon you or for your downfall. I will pray for you, bless you and wish you well."
They might still one day have to face the consequences of what they did wrong - which might mean simply reaping what they have sown. But forgiveness would, at that point, feel sad and shed a tear for them, rather than gloating. (I am not saying that that is what you are doing.)

tuliplane said:
. Remember how Jesus told Zaccheus to repay those he stole from.

Zacchaeus offered, actually; a response, I've always felt, to being noticed, loved and accepted by God. But it's true that Jesus told the woman caught in adultery to go and sin no more - though if she had, I believe she would have been forgiven again.

tuliplane said:
Maybe there's two definitions of forgiveness here. I forgive her in the sense that I'm not hateful toward her and really would like to welcome her back if she changes.

That's good, although maybe you are being asked to welcome her back even though she hasn't changed - just to demonstrate Christian love to her and to keep the doors of communication open.

tuliplane said:
But no, I don't forgive in the sense that I would say I'm accepting of who she is now and would erase all of her wrongs in the past without her truly being sorry for them.

You don't have to forgive, or accept, someone's lifestyle to accept them and have some kind of relationship with them.
I mean, if you found out that your doctor/Dentist/hairdresser had an unbiblical lifestyle, would you refuse to accept treatment and haircuts from them? Or would you continue to go to them for help/their service but pray from them and, if you met them socially, talk about how your faith shapes your lifestyle, and/or try to be a good witness for the Lord?

If someone has hurt you badly in the past, it's hard to erase the wrong, whether the person repents or not - that is more about asking the Lord to heal the pain that you still feel and asking him to help you to forgive. Then, if she ever does say "sorry" you can say, "it's nice to hear you say that you realise that your actions hurt me, thank you; I forgave you months/years ago, however."

Strong in Him · Apr 22, 2021

tuliplane said:
It's interesting how you seem to go to great lengths to defend her behavior

I don't have time to answer this fully here; sorry, but I was not trying to defend her behaviour.
I said that from her point of view it might have seemed like you were having a go at her - even though you believed you were gently telling her that her behaviour was wrong. I also said that if she is not a Christian or acknowledges Jesus as her Lord, she might not believe that she was doing any wrong. IF she is not a Christian, or was one but has turned away, her big sin is rejecting the Lord. Yes, her behaviour is bad; that might be because she has rejected the Lord and just does as she pleases, or it might be that she is deeply unhappy/insecure and there are reasons why she behaves as she does. Either way, it seems she hasn't taken too kindly to some things that you have done - even with the best of intentions.

tuliplane said:
but more or less liken me to a Pharisee for wanting nothing to do with it.

I wasn't trying to; I was saying that from her point of view maybe that's how it came across.
Look at it another way, supposing she continually mocked your faith, criticised you for going to church and said you were out of touch by holding views that were out of date - would you put up with that, and be in a hurry to invite her round and socialise with her?
Supposing she was having counselling or something and said "the trouble with my sister is that she always preaches at me [that's what it might feel like to her], criticises my lifestyle whenever we meet, and I feel that whatever I do never meets with her approval?" Do you think that her counsellor could advise her to stay away from someone who had a negative impact on her?
I don't know anything about either of you - could her causing trouble in the family be because she never felt loved, for example?

tuliplane said:
I was supposed to be sensitive to her sin and cover for her?

No, but like I say; she might not see, or have seen, it as sin.
And you could have said that your sister would tell your grandmother in her time and you wanted to stay out of it.

It seems all that happened is that she became very angry.

tuliplane said:
To make it clear, I don't hate my sister, I want to be there,

Well, go then.
Support her on her special day; take that olive branch, rejoice that it's been offered and that she wanted to marry and not just live with him for the near future. If they are getting married in church, there will be at least some marriage preparation as well as a Christian service. If she had fallen away, that could be the start of her return.

Confused-by-christianity · Apr 22, 2021

Cis.jd said:
Yup, i do. I guess i should have considered that as well. Siblings being a pain in the butt to one another is a normal thing. So i agree, the OP is just under the circumstances of being siblings.

Haha God bless mate

East of Eden · Apr 22, 2021

Cis.jd said:
Yup, i do. I guess i should have considered that as well. Siblings being a pain in the butt to one another is a normal thing. So i agree, the OP is just under the circumstances of being siblings.

I'm not aware of a Biblical portrayal of a family that didn't include problems.

Confused-by-christianity · Apr 22, 2021

East of Eden said:
I'm not aware of a Biblical portrayal of a family that didn't include problems.

Sometimes I think one of the beauties of family is learning how to get past your slights at one another and choosing the relationship. It’s not easy though!!!

LoveHisPresence · Apr 22, 2021

No matter the advice anyone gives you you will ultimately be accountable to God for your decision to go or not to go. I think it's a matter of conscience. Even if some really good, logical advice sways your thinking in one direction you may still feel uncomfortable with it and you wouldn't want to ignore that and do it anyway.
Pray about it until your convinced in one direction. Read the bible. Search for your answers every time you open up the bible. I don't mean read into things, but really open the bible with an open heart to God's truth and His answer for you.

TribulationSigns · Apr 23, 2021

DragonFox91 said:
I believe those 'don't associate' verses apply only to if they're dragging you into sin too. If she's not, then that's not the issue. The issues are, do you want to attend the wedding & do you think attending the wedding tells her you approve of her lifestyle?

I think you need to let her know your concerns.

If someone invites you to their homosexual wedding, will you show up for the sake of family love and support? Of course not. Same thing with sister with spiritual rebellion. He is marrying an unbeliever, had sex before marriage, disrespect Christian values in family. She only wants to see you show up at her wedding as a sign of giving in to her value.

don’t go to any wedding that openly defy to God’s law without repentance including those who have been divorced.

TribulationSigns · Apr 23, 2021

Albion said:
It would be a mistake not to attend. Being there does not send the wrong message. Most people would say that it doesn't send any particular message, unless it's that the ties of family are strong...as they should be.

But as for the religious aspect, if there is any message, it would be that you are happy for her as she turns her relationship into a real marriage, exactly what accords with the moral principles you've advocated.

And if you are still reluctant, thinking that all the circumstances do not add up to what God would want, the fact remains that this is not your life and your standing before God. Simply to be present at her ceremony, and to be kind towards her on that occasion, does not really amount to making a statement about all the details of what had gone on previously in her life.

Disagree! Would you show up at homosexual wedding?

TribulationSigns · Apr 23, 2021

mkgal1 said:
.....but that is your interpretation or opinion of what is in the Bible. We each should respect other's freedom to form their own values as we allow them to respect our own values. Remember what Jesus said to those who brought the woman they "caught" in adultery before Him?

IOW.....it's not up to us to judge.....but to love others. We can't do both simultaneously.

we, as christians, do judge righteousness.

John 7:24 KJVS [24] Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.

The Bible says when we judge ourselves and our neighbors our judgment must be in righteousness. That does not mean we should respect their values.

Albion · Apr 23, 2021

TribulationSigns said:
Disagree! Would you show up at homosexual wedding?

In several ways, that scenario isn't parallel to what I wrote in reply to the original post, however.

Randy777 · Apr 23, 2021

tuliplane said:
Kind of a long story...but I am having a bit of a dilemma on what to do.

Over two years ago was the last time I spoke with my sister (aside from email communications last year).

She was choosing to be sexually immoral with her boyfriend and although she knew exactly where I stood on the issue, she would bring things up to me, probably to see how I would react. I would gently admonish her and tell her it was wrong, but it was as if she wanted me to change my values for her. One time she even demanded I leave her apartment because she was angry I was against that sort of living. She would also come over to my house and brag about her immorality.

It came time for her to find another place, and she had decided to move in with her boyfriend. She chose not to disclose that to me, almost wanting it to be kept secret from me, but also at the same time not completely hiding the fact since her boyfriend told my husband about their plans when he went out to dinner with them one evening. So I think it was more or less that she was ashamed of what I would think than actually keeping it a true secret. Anyway...my grandmother wanted to know if she was moving in with him, because to her it was the obvious next step my sister would take. I didn't know at the time and told her that, but later when I knew for sure, I confirmed to my grandma that she was moving in with him. This is what set off the huge fight/no contact.

My sister was so angry with me for telling her secret to my grandmother. First off, it was not a secret...they were publicly living together and had already told others about it. And second, how could I be accused of releasing a secret that was supposed to be a secret kept from me? Again, it was her shame speaking. She didn't want my Christian grandmother with traditional values to think badly of her. She even accused me of publicly talking about her "sex life", just because I confirmed to my grandmother that she was going to live with her boyfriend...seeming to think public knowledge means intimate details. She was also the same person to come into my house and proudly tell me about a sexual act she had done that I had to swiftly tell her I did not want to hear about...so if anyone is talking openly about a sex life, it is her.

My sister has a long history of manipulation, narcisstic behavior, impulsiveness, projecting her faults onto others, causing fights, belittling others, seeking out the negative in people, just toxic qualities really. She has caused so much hurt in my life that it is really nice to have a break from the drama. Me, along with my husband, brother and grandparents have tried to be there for her and help her out by supporting her spiritually, emotionally, financially, etc. (her, my brother, and I come from a rather abusive family); she fails to see what we have done for her and accuses us of trying to control her life (when it was often quite the opposite, giving her so much space and even going for long periods without visiting when she lived next door and both her and I were busy with things). I would often let the cycle keep repeating of her causing a fight, then waiting until things settled down, and continuing the relationship until it happened again. Having to cut her off, while the most extreme measure, was the only way for healing to occur. I really do love my sister and I really wish it did not have to be like this! We're missing out on life events because of all of this nonsense.

I am not sure if she is a Christian or not. I know she used to call herself one, but I don't know if she does anymore. She had concerns about her boyfriend not following God, but then quickly got over it and seemingly accepted it.

Now she is engaged and wants me to be at her wedding. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to burn an olive branch, but I don't want to send the message that I am okay with her behavior and that going will somehow make her think things can be like they once were. If she truly is Christian, and is just fallen away for some time, I don't approve of a union where she would be with someone who would hinder her faith further (again, I am not sure where she stands). The Bible has verses about dusting your feet off and moving on when you cannot get through to a person, about not associating with those who call themselves Christians and choose to live in sin, to avoid them (not just the sexual immorality, but as 2 Timothy 3 states and describes her really well, the "slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power".

Do these verses indicate that I am not to associate with her, which includes going to her wedding?

I suppose the answer to this would be if she shows true repentance and change of character. She is trying to appear that she has changed (but really disproves it quickly), sends an "apology" that does not have the tone of someone repentant, along with telling me about some wrongs I have committed which were basically things she made up with examples of behavior she does to other people and said it was me. I even sent her a card and Christmas gift (before last year's email communications), to try to show her I still care, even though I have not wronged her. She returned it by mail back to me, telling me basically that I sent it out of smugness or false intentions.

To sum things up...of course I would love restored relationships, but I want to do what is RIGHT before God, which sadly sometimes means disassociating oneself from toxic people. How should I go about this? I don't want to send the wrong message of approval by going, but I don't want to do irreparable damage and possibly burn a bridge forever by not going!

God=>I desire mercy not sacrifice.
Jesus=>"A new command I give you: Love one another. AS I have loved you, so you must love one another.

Let go of your judgment of your sister and love her. Go to the wedding with love and good tidings for your sister.

DragonFox91 · Apr 23, 2021

TribulationSigns said:
If someone invites you to their homosexual wedding, will you show up for the sake of family love and support? Of course not. Same thing with sister with spiritual rebellion. He is marrying an unbeliever, had sex before marriage, disrespect Christian values in family. She only wants to see you show up at her wedding as a sign of giving in to her value.

don’t go to any wedding that openly defy to God’s law without repentance including those who have been divorced.

If I were to not go to events b/c there's spiritual rebellion involved, I'd have to live a hermit lifestyle. I agree w/ you to some extent, tho.

OP, maybe you could just go to the ceremony & not any afterparty?

Strong in Him · Apr 23, 2021

TribulationSigns said:
If someone invites you to their homosexual wedding, will you show up for the sake of family love and support? Of course not.

I wouldn't be too quick to judge on that.
For myself, IF one of my brothers/nephews, whom I love, was gay and were getting married, I would go because they were my brother/nephew.
Staying away and making righteous statements on their lifestyle would alienate me from them - and kill any chance of witnessing to the Gospel to other family members/guests.

TribulationSigns said:
Same thing with sister with spiritual rebellion.

The OP has said that she doesn't know if her sister is/was a Christian but has fallen away/backslidden. If so, that is not the same as open rebellion.

TribulationSigns said:
He is marrying an unbeliever, had sex before marriage, disrespect Christian values in family.

And did Jesus tell you he wasn't going to love you because he disapproved of your non Christian lifestyle?
Did he condemn the woman caught in adultery and tell the righteous to go ahead and throw their stones?

TribulationSigns said:
She only wants to see you show up at her wedding as a sign of giving in to her value.

Or, she loves her sister and wants to build bridges.
The OP loves ber sister and wants to be there.

TribulationSigns said:
don’t go to any wedding that openly defy to God’s law without repentance including those who have been divorced.

I think someone with an attitude like that wouldn't get invited to too many weddings.

East of Eden · Apr 23, 2021

TribulationSigns said:
we, as christians, do judge righteousness.

John 7:24 KJVS [24] Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.

The Bible says when we judge ourselves and our neighbors our judgment must be in righteousness. That does not mean we should respect their values.

True, the passage many take out of context says 'First take the beam out of your own eye', in other words, before you judge, make sure you aren't doing the same thing.

Tropical Wilds · Apr 23, 2021

If you’re going to be a distraction, disruptive, judgmental, or sanctimonious then no.

If you’re going to celebrate her, her day, and her other half, then yes.

Clearly she doesn’t subscribe to your brand of faith, which is her right and privilege, and the fact it has been allowed to compromise your relationship with each other is unfortunate. Her sex life, in and out of marriage, is her problem. If you don’t want to talk about it with her, tell her as much, and if she continues to then just ignore it. It is not up to you to inflict change on somebody defying your sensibilities as you cannot control others. And honestly, it’s sex. You’re an adult, you’re married, I’m sure you get the basics of what it is and how it works. I guess I get not wanting to discuss it, but it’s hardly anything shocking and worth clutching pearls and grabbing the smelling salts over.

Tropical Wilds · Apr 23, 2021

TribulationSigns said:
Disagree! Would you show up at homosexual wedding?

What does that have to do with anything...?

CleanSoul · Apr 23, 2021

lsume said:
unlikely that your sister has ever Truly been born again.

Again, if she has been validly baptized, she is a born again Christian. Just one who is not behaving like one should.

If you read about the saints, you will learn that many of them were not exactly always saintly while living in time and space.

Should I go to my sister's wedding?

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