Persevere in Faith

Hi, my name is Chance. I have been having a very hard time with God. It wasn’t always like this, but it has been hard for a very long time.


In the beginning, I actually had a much more difficult time. I’m all honesty, before I knew God, I was quite a mess. I have had many medical conditions and mental illnesses my whole life. Autism, being the most prominent one because of all the other illnesses that came with it. I know that God heals. I know that he saves. But I always doubt. The thing is, I know this because after I got diagnosed with Tourette’s syndrome, I struggled immensely, until one day when God just simply came into my life and changed everything. I say “just simply” not for the awesomeness of God coming into my life, but for how he just showed up when I was at my lowest point, when before, I hadn’t even given him much thought and especially much love. As much as it hurts me to say. But I always thought and said bad things about him in my mind before I knew him, when I was little. As much as I regret that, it was a different time and even though I know that God isn’t what I thought, I still have times where I doubt the goodness of God. The reason isn’t because he came into my life. In fact, it was the haPpiest I had ever been. But, see, the problem is, it isn’t like how it was when I first met God. I felt extremely blessed, love beyond even anything that I could imagine, and just a perfect peaceful love for God and from God and insurmountable grace in my heart.


The problems started when I actually started seeking God. Maybe it doesn’t make sense. Or maybe it does. Maybe you have had similar feelings. Or maybe you don’t understand how I could say that. But, as far as I know, that’s the truth. I knew, once I chose God that day because he called me, I would have to follow him. I didn’t even know anything about the Bible, that I can remember, and yet I still knew by the Holy Spirit that now I have to follow God. But, then it wasn’t a burden at all, really. In fact, I was nervous about it, but I actually really just felt such a loving draw to God that I genuinely wanted to know him more. The thing is, once I started looking, I also started finding things that I didn’t know. There were some Bible verses in the Beginning that I thought were Amazing! The ones about Gods love and promises.......What else could I possibly want? How great I thought it was. In the beginning, I had absolutely nothing holding me back. Nothing clouding my brain. And nothing making me hesitate. I just wanted God. I never really lost that feeling. The one about just wanting God. The visions I had in my head of me just lying comfortably and resting in God’s hand, in Heaven. It was beautiful. See, I had this image of God. One of him being absolute love and kindness. The essence of love. Without having even read the Bible, I knew God was perfect. But after I learned about those verses, I learned about some other ones, as well.


If you love me, keep my commandments. Now, this worried me because I didn’t want to fail. But after I read about God’s commandments not to do 10 things, and how those commandments actually made sense, coupled with all of God’s forgiveness and mercy, I was happy. A little worried that I wouldn’t be good enough, but I held on to God’s love and forgiveness and kept the faith. But my anxiety causes me to not see things right. So, I felt like I was now going to have to earn God’s love continually, through the commandments. Which I didn’t think was bad. Stealing, killing, and lying aren’t good after all, right? But I then had the image that I wasn’t as close to God ad I thought. That I really haven’t been good enough. So, I doubted. I also had anxiety. I was a bit discouraged. And iwaki okay that I knew this now, because at the same time, I knew that I could also grow and improve. But, I also felt like maybe I’m not good enough for God, which is actually true. The problem with this was, I started thinking, is there anything more I have to do to go to Heaven? So, I looked more into it. And I learned about Jesus. And I learned about becoming a disciple. I also learned about more rules and commandments. But then, I learned about how to pray to Jesus to be saved. That was extremely anxiety inducing because I knew how far away from God and salvation I really was. But, I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. The peace that I once had had been replaced by fear because I learned about hell more and about how it wasn’t nearly as easy to go to Heaven, to follow God, and to just love God, as I thought. So, I scavenged the internet. Looking for more about this specific “sinners prayer”. Had I prayed it right? Did I use the right words? Well, some sources made it sound easy. Others more difficult. And still, even more, until I came to one that had such a long drawn out list of things that you needed to include in the acknowledgements and wording of that prayer, that I didn’t even understand it. To this day, I hope I got it right. Eventually, through all this, not only had I ended up praying this same prayer more times than I could count, but I also ended up losing much of the peace and hope that I had once had and it had been replaced by fear and anxiety. I now had the image of God in my head that he was much more distant and, at times, seemingly unreachable. Also, very hard to please. I prayed compulsively throughout the day. I have always had very severe OCD but now it was like it translated into my relationship with God. It was like my relationship with God, instead of being based on love for God and faith, was now built on trying to keep all the rules, say the right prayer for salvation, and find all the right answers.


So, I was now in a more depressed and anxious state and felt that it was incredibly frustrating. But I still wanted God. So, I tried to find out more. I don’t really remember things very well because everything got so stressful that I think that I ended up just losing track of reality, myself, and even God through this anxiety and depression. But, here’s the idea of it:


So, I started seeking God more. My prayers became so obsessive that I started praying throughout the day to the point where I would stop in the middle of things(like running a table saw for example)and pray, I would pray for a good amount of the day and most of these were “I’m sorry” prayers about every sin I had committed that I could remember, every sin I committed(which I felt right about), and every sin I thought I had comitted. Everything became an obsession. If I so much as burped, not even out loud, I thought I had somehow sinned. So, I prayed and prayed and prayed, until I eventually got so exhausted and discouraged, that I just couldn’t anymore. But, when I didn’t, I felt like even if I didn’t ask for forgiveness for things I didn’t even think were really sins, I would feel like I was doomed. I began to get this picture in my head if an angry God who was continually looking for me to say the right things in prayer to be forgiven. God, in my mind, was now a God who would surprise me at the end of eternity with “Oh, well, you thought you were saved but in all honesty, you never asked for forgiveness for this specific thing, this one time, that you did. So, I’m sorry but I can’t let you in”. At least this version of God had some mercy. It got so much worse from here on out.


I began to worry: Is there more that I’m missing? So, I looked it up. I wanted to know. Exactly, how many rules were there in the Bible? How much am I missing? How much do I really need to enter Heaven? Do, I did. And it made things so much worse. In the Old Testament, it said, there are about 613 commandments, statutes, and requirements. That’s God’s law. I was very distraught. Because now, I had to be even more careful and follow even more rules to make it out alive. The problem with this: 613! How could I possibly do that? How could I be that perfect? So, I took the list and decided the laws into different categories. There were food laws, laws for farmers, laws for ritual sacrifice, moral laws, laws for appearance, laws for cleanliness, laws for the sabbath and Holy days, and many others. I adopted them and tried to be perfect. I have stopped eating pork and unclean things. Started following the Sabbath, and try to keep myself clean from unclean things. The only problem with this is this: How? How can I fulfill the whole law, in our world today? So many things are considered unclean by the law. So many things have pork and other things in them that are unclean. Not only that, but so many things are made in ways that they are contaminated with unclean things. I could go kosher but I doubt anyone would support me and I couldn’t afford it on my own. I barely have an income with my medical conditions. I couldn’t even get social security. I just work for people in my family for money but I can barely even do that at this point. My health and mental state is failing and I’m scared I am dying or something, to begin with. Which only gives me more fear. Not only that, but how can I possibly be clean? My whole family eats unclean things, that I know of. And if you want to fulfill the law, then you would not only have to eat clean foods but also not let it touch theirs. And the Bible says that you would have to break down and burn your things that touched unclean things. Or wash them in water. Since then, I have started washing my hands with water, among other things, to stay clean. How could I follow all of these rules? And that’s only the start. There are even more. Plus, gelatin is derived from pork, and certain food coloring is derived from bugs. And that’s in so many things. How could I avoid that, or what it touches? It even says that Jesus was with David, in the Bible. So, if Jesus was around and expected David to obey the law then, like David wrote about having to keep the law, what makes it different now?


So, I looked it up to try and see if I really had to obey all of these, and I found some people that said no. Others that said yes. Then I found scripture that argues both sides. In Isaiah, it says that people who do these unclean things will meet their end in the new Heaven and Earth. And it even talks about the sabbath days in the future. And Isaiah is prophetic. It says about praying that your flight is not in the winter or on a sabbath day, in the New Testament. Jesus said it would be easier for Heaven and Earth to pass away than the law and that not one jot or tittle will pass away, until all be fulfilled. It says our faith doesn’t abolish the law but instead establishes the law. Establish: To set up. It even says in the Old Testament that the law is forever. If I really wanted to follow this, would I have to just leave and live in the woods? The most intense verse was, even if You obeyed the whole law and yet You stumbled at one point, you would be guilty of all.


Anyway, I kept fighting and trying, but at this point, I started seeing God as an angry God. Who was often displeased. And it took very much a lot to please him. That he really wasn’t very forgiving. That my salvation wasn’t really that sure at all. That there was little hope. I felt that salvation was so difficult that it might as well be impossible. I kept looking things up and searching but it just made it worse. Everyone had the answer. Everyone was the truly saved. The problem with that is, they couldn’t all be. Everything was a battle and figuring anything out became so difficult. That’s when I learned new verses. “Many will strive, few will enter”, “straight is the gate and narrow is the way”, “not everyone who says unto me Lord, Lord will enter the kingdom of Heaven”, “because you are lukewarm, I will spew you out of my mouth”, “Many will say unto me Lord, Lord have we not...and I will say unto them, I never knew you. Depart from me”, “be not of the world”.......and so many more. So, I went into massive anxieties and hopeless depressions. What if I try to give God my all, and he thrusts me out? What if I waste my time trying to please a God who is waiting to dispose of me? What if I give my life away and “run the race in vain”, Like Paul said? How can anyone get into Heaven? What hope do I have? Be not of the world? What does that mean? What is a sin then, working outside, music, spending time with family? I don’t want to give up my life and my family and the good things that I have, just to suffer for the same God who will throw me away. I can at least try to enjoy life if there is only misery in the next one regardless. Why is it so hard? Why would a God who says he lives us throw most of us away? But still, even though I began to picture God as an angry God who perpetually holds me and everyone else over a flame, I still found more mercy than what I do now.


That’s because next I read how Jesus literally commands to be perfect. How can I do that? I started reading the Bible but the Old Testament came first and didn’t help much with my fear that I could never measure up to God’s law. In the mean time, I was still searching. I have had moments where I felt on fire for God and moments where it turned from hope to hopelessness and fear. All because of a Bible verse. I learned about something even worse then. Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. So, I struggled with believing that I had said something, thought something, or done something to be unforgiven. This, surprisingly, didn’t last too long. Until I found about something that destroyed me. But, by now, I had already been struggling very badly. And eventually, through all the pain of trying to hear God’s voice and having trouble with discernment because I was often given many answers inside my head, I had slipped off track and just kind of gave up. Not completely, but I just gotten so exhausted that I began doing what I believed to be right from scripture, instead of following the many voices and answers. The reason for my exhaustion is this very verse: “whatever is not of faith is sin” So now, not only did I have a mind that told me that almost everything I did was a sin, including basic human functions(yawning etc.), What I ate and drank, what I did and how I did it, the colors that I wore...basically every choice that I could make. But, I also had a verse that made those feelings feel very real and sinful. So, I ran myself dry and eventually slipped into exhaustion and carelessness. This went on for quite a while and eventually lead to me falling away more and more. Until, after compulsively praying for forgiveness for yet another thing that I believed I had sinned by doing one day, I felt the answer was “no”. And it seemed that it very clearly came from God. Then I found out about how God can turn people over to a reprobate mind. And cast great delusion. Especially in the last days. But I heard a very clear instruction from God: “Fast for three days and seek me”. So I did. And sometimes I felt God’s presence. Other times, I felt utter hopelessness and condemnation. But I went and sought God with so much. All the while, I felt a dreadful sense of loss and faithlessness.


Eventually, God showed himself to me through a Gospel song at the end of the last day. It was the most beautiful feeling since God found me. The song was NeedBreathe-“Testify”. I’ve had incredible moments like that with God. However, I have also felt abandoned a lot since then. What if I’m fooling myself? What if I’m in delusion? What if God took away the Holy Spirit from me? Because it says he gave Saul an evil spirit. Then something new filled my mind. A new image of God. God didn’t just destroy evil or throw away those who didn’t Believe or even make it nearly impossible for us to be saved. God actually actively hindered these people from being saved. So, I started wondering, can I really trust God? Can I ever be sure that I will be saved? Is God going to give up on me? That is until I found something that has destroyed my faith in God to a large extent. There is a concept of Election in the Bible.

The doctrine of election says that not only are we separated from God, but that God is the only one who can save us. That sounds good, right? Well, not really. Not when the Bible seems to say pretty clearly that God only chooses to save his elect. It says that even though Israel was as the sand of the sea, only a remnant would be saved. It says that men were “predestined to sanctification and sanctification comes only with salvation. It says to make your calling and election sure. Make your salvation sure. Unless you run the race in vain. That only gives the exact doubts and fears that I’ve had about being rejected despite trying, more power. Plus, it even talks about God creating vessels fitted for destruction and vessels created to be honoured. People, created to be destroyed. And people, created to be honoured. That sounds an awful lot like condemnation or salvation. If you were created as a vessel of wrath, doesn’t that mean you were created for destruction? People argue that everyone is far from God and if the repent, they can be saved. But, the Bible says that some were created to be destroyed. And some were created for honour. If that were true, would t we all be one or the other? But no, we are separated into these Groups. And then it says that God is the potter and we don’t have the right to question him. That seems monstrously unjust. We don’t have the right to ask God why he just creates living, breathing, human creatures, capable of feelings, love, and understanding, and just automatically condemns them before the foundation of the world, to be thrown into a dark, Agonizingly fiery painful inferno, with no air and no strength and no sleep or rest or hope for a future? Being tortured by demons and ripped apart for all eternity? Crying and wailing and in pain forever with only more to look forward too and at the end, only casting them into the lake of fire to scream in agony and be picked apart by worms that due not and find now hope for the love of God or salvation? It doesn’t say that everyone has a chance, in the Bible. Not if you look closely. “For those that he foreknew, he aIso predestined to be conformed into the image of his son”. Those are the ones that are sanctified and Glorified. It’s all about who God chooses to give saving faith to, because it says that even our faith comes from God. It’s wrong for us to question God, who is supposedly love, on these things but we are just supposed to accept that he does this?


It also says that God blinded people to the truth “lest they repent and I should heal them”. Oh, okay, so God just Blinds people so that they won’t be saved? God hardens hearts and made his mind up that he would harden pharaoh’s heart before he even had a chance. God could have warned him, but instead hardens his heart. Jesus even said that all the Father Gives to him who come to him, he will in no wise cast out. Not all that come to him. All that the Father gives him. Yes, there are beautiful promises in the Bible, but they seem only for the Elect, because they are the only ones that can “Believeth on him”. Jesus said he prays not for the world but for those that God has given him. Not for everyone else. Only them. He didn’t even care enough to pray for them. And I’m supposed to love this God with everything I have? Ever since then, and every time I see a new verse about it(and they are all over the Bible)or even think about it, I have been seeing God as selective, hateful to everyone else, hard on even his disciples and even making it difficult for them to be saved, and just in general, Angry, unfair, and wrathful. A vengeful God, way up in the Heavens. Far from most but only close enough to make even their lives on earth full of tribulation. And eventually, condemnation. It’s all fixed. Just like so many things on earth. The one God I trusted in and he turns out to be, from what I’ve seen and read, the epitome of a Parent that picks favorites and just throws away the rest. At least, on earth, we can go somewhere else. But it even says, Jacob have loved but Easau have I hated. So, it’s just like that? And Cain even tried to give God an offering. How was he supposed to know that God wanted meat instead of plants? It’s just like, if I give God the fruits of what I have, how do I know I won’t be rejected? How do I know that I am not Hated? It even says that when Easau sinned, he couldn’t repent, though he sought it with tears...How do I know that won’t happen to me? Jacob lied and stood Easau’s blessing. But God seemed to overlook that. And even made him Great. Plus, God used evil spirits against Saul. And, he even says about casting great delusion on people in the end times. How do I know God didn’t take away the Holy Spirit from me and send an evil Spirit to torment me?How do I know that God won’t put me in great delusion, if I try to follow him with blind faith, to think I’m saved but I’m not? How dIt just seems like God only loves some.


The only thing I can think about anymore is how hopeless it seems to be. The fact is that I feel like if it’s that strict, difficult to find(link the few who find the narrow path), and unlikely it is for so many people to enter Heaven, even true Believers, what chance do I have? I think about hell everyday. It’s on my mind more than most things. I have a constant fear of what will happen and a nearly constant sense of Condemnation. I think about what it will be like for my family and many other people, a lot. What their torture will look like. I see them being torn apart and burning and screaming in my mind. I wonder about what hell and the demons and the fire will look like. I imagine what it will feel like when I am burning and being torn apart very often, and I also very often wonder and imagine what my torture in hell will be like and I think about all of the graphic ways that I will be tortured and torn apart. I think about Judgement and I almost always imagine God telling me to be gone in many different ways. I imagine God telling me how horrible I am and surprising me with a harsh judgement that I was never really saved. I imagine being cast into hell. Every time I get hurt or experience pain, I wonder what hell will feel like. Every time I look at fire, I think of hell. It cripples my love for God and destroys my faith. But I can’t help it. It just runs through my head constantly, and even when I try to get really close to God, it’s still there. No matter how much I repent, Read the Bible, pray, or meditate on scripture, it still is there and sometimes, I go from feeling on fire for God and seeing his Goodness, to, after reading one Bible verse, feeling condemned. That’s all it takes to destroy my faith. Even if the Bible verse is something I don’t even struggle with or just a warning and I am trying to be righteous and focused on God and not the world and seeking the Kingdom of Heaven, that’s all it takes. I cry and beg God and have breakdowns about the imaginations I have of hell for everyone else, the ones I love, and me.


One of the most devastating things is that people say that Psychiatry is sinful and a lie and just for ear tickling. That mental illness doesn’t really exist and that it’s either a result of sin or weak faith. Okay, well, I try to seek God and when I get close to him, all this stuff acts up. Is that because I’m somehow more sinful for repenting, praying and Reading the Bible? And I never want this. I want to be set free. I beg God and pray and put faith in him and plead to be out of all of this. Does that mean that my faith is somehow weakened from seeking God? When I sin or go into the world, it affects me less and when I follow God, it affects me more. How is that my punishment or my fault when I am seeking God? Not only this, but they also say that medicine is a sin. That it is a lack of faith. That we are just trying to tickle our ears and ignore God’s prompting when we take it. How? I want to take it because I want to be able to follow God without constant anxiety and fear. Both of which are sins but I can’t make them stop and I have beseeched God to do do to no avail. There was a person who argued with someone who said this that since they started taking medicine that it has helped them with their relationship with God and they have turned their life around. They even went to church. They also said that they would be happy to stop taking it if God told them to and that God told them it was okay and they felt comfortable with it. But the only response they got was that people “often felt more comfortable in their sins. Like how they feel better when they leave the Church. What? This person literally said that they even started Going to Church. They just judged them and I wonder if that person even has mental illness. If they know how hard it makes everything. But, I guess medicine is a sin. So, I don’t take it almost at all anymore and even feel condemned when I do because now I don’t know. But my mental health is so much worse and I don’t even understand reality, can’t connect with existence, barely, and don’t even know if my faith exists but a little, now. The worst part is that if I get really bad, I feel like it’s a sin for me to help myself so that I can follow God. But, I’ve prayed to God and repented and done many things to try to seek him and I just don’t feel like anything is working. I’ve prayed for deliverance and it hasn’t come. I’ve repented of sins but still nothing. But the medicine helps. But if it’s a sin, I don’t want to go to hell for it. Plus, I doubt I would be able to take most of it anyway because a most of it is made with gelatin and if I’m trying to obey the law, then I would be sinning, anyway.


I am scared of the return of Jesus. I used to have hope but now I only find mostly fear when people talk about it. They say how close it is and it makes me feel like I’m having a panic attack. Because I want to have faith but I just feel like it is a death sentence. Like God rejected me and now I don’t have any hope of being good enough. I want to have hope again for when Jesus will come back.

It’s because of this, that I now see God as a fiery, vengeful, and full of anger for most and very difficult to even find. I fear death and Hell. I have very little Hope in Heaven and even hope that God will take pity on me and let me in because of my mental illnesses. I can’t even really read my Bible anymore. I want to read it but I just feel like it’s a hopeless cause and I will only find more reasons to fear. I want to pray but I feel God looking at me with anger. I don’t even always feel like he hears me. I want to have Faith and follow God but I am afraid to just let go and follow him with all the conditions and the possibility that it seems vanity to do so because Heaven is only attainable for the select few chosen. I don’t want to give up what little bit I have to be persecuted, hated, and rejected, only to wind up in Hell. If I am going to suffer for eternity either way, I might as well at least enjoy what little time on earth I have, rather than being destroyed before I am destroyed. I ask God about all of these things but I get many voices telling me many different things. I try to just not worry and follow God but I hear so many voices telling me to do or not do different things that I can’t even tell what is sin or not. I wash my hands so many times a day to stay clean because I think it’s a sin. I don’t eat because I think things are a sin or, if I do, I am met with guilty condemnation and “whatever is not of faith is sin”, and, “whoever believes it to be a sin, if he eats anyway(if you just do it anyway), he is condemned”. So, I live in OCD. I think everything I do, things that I say, and what I think, even if it’s not even remotely mentioned in the Bible, are all sins. I am living in “God, I’m sorry” prayers, for so many things. What I eat, what I wear, what I talk about...everything feels convicting. But why is a candy bar a sin? Why is apple juice a sin? Why are potatoes a sin? Or sneezing? Or coughing? Or yawning? Or drinking more than a certain number of sips of water? My relationship with God is now based on numbers and feelings and I feel like the medicine would help me get out of this cycle but I feel like it’s a sin. If that’s a sin, is any medicine a sin? Is medical care a sin? How do I know? Are the herbal remedies that I take a sin? Or vitamins? What about cold or flu medicine? Does God want us to suffer? Am I meant to be like this? I have trouble eating and drinking. I don’t want to wake up in the morning and I don’t want to go to bed at night. I have dreams about hell and it’s hard for me to not feel fear over sleep. I feel alone and scared and just want love. I feel like I’m condemned if I don’t take the medicine because I will end up with anxiety and fear and depression and disconnecting with God, like I’ve been doing recently, and The Bible says those things are a sin. And I’m condemned if I do take the medicine because it is a sin. I pray to God but he won’t take it away, no matter what I do. Anymore, I am too afraid to even Spread the Gospel or talk about God with most people. And I know you go to hell for that. I am not able to let my light shine. I am hidden under a veil of anxiety. Why is it that if I sin, I feel condemnation and hopelessness but if I resist sin or do good works or try to follow God, I have a lingering sense of not being good enough yet, not doing good works good enough or having enough faith, and being rejected by God? Most of the people in my life I don’t feel close to anymore, but that’s okay because I know God is there. My family has separated from me very much, but that’s okay because God is my Father. My life is filled with trials and tribulations but that’s okay because God is in control. I am always sick with my medical conditions, my body seems to be shutting down, and my mind is deteriorating, but that’s okay because I have faith in God’s presence and he is my strength. The only thing I can’t get past, is the fact that even my Relationship with God is chaotic and I feel like it’s all but destroyed. There is no remedy for that if i try all these things and seek God and can’t find him. The spiritual turmoil I am in is the only thing that I can’t bare. The one thing that separates me from God. The thing that destroys me. I know that a relationship with God is the only way to salvation. But here’s the problem: If I believe that hell is most likely in my future, that God will not help me unless I am absolutely perfect, that we have to keep most of the Old Testament law, that my Salvation either dangles from or that I’m already reprobate, that God chooses only a select few to be saved and that everyone else is in delusion and will be tortured in agonizing fire for all eternity and that it’s almost impossible for even the people that God did choose to save to make it into Heaven and that they can even fall away, how am I supposed to have Faith in God? Some even say that worshipping Jesus is idolatry. Worshipping Jesus seems to be the only thing that has ever helped me find faith in God. See, I want God. I need God. I beg for God to even breathe in my life to show me that he is still there, but I just feel abandoned. I feel like if all of this stuff is happening to me, that makes me reprobate. I feel God has abandoned me. I feel forsaken. I live in tear filled nostalgia because when I was a kid, I didn’t have to worry about all this and I wish that God ha d taken me then. I am reminded by so many things of when things were better. When I didn’t feel hated by God. I am flooded with the memories of my childhood because I actually felt love. I weep for the times when I felt beautiful love. I see almost no hope. I refuse to give up on God. But I fight with God and it makes me feel terrible. I have said things to God that make me feel terrible because I don’t mean them but at the same time, it certainly feels like they are true of the way God works. If I feel like like every bad thing that happens to me is God punishing me, how am I supposed to feel? Every time I even have the slightest misfortune, I think it is from God. Even worse, I feel like I can hear God and the Angels laughing at me, because it says God will laugh at the wicked. If God laughs at the wicked, and I feel like he has given up on me, how much more for me? It upsets me so much and I ask for a break from God or for him to help me but it seems like it never comes I end up having meltdowns. I just gave up pretty much and I’m waiting for God. I’m waiting for him to fix it. How can I? If even the best Christians have to strive to be saved, how can I be good enough for Heaven? How can I have enough power to fight the good fight? I want to be saved but you have to fight a battle to do so and I barely gave strength as it is, how can I be good enough for God? I used to be a drug and alcohol abuser, listen to and watch sinful things, and barely even open my Bible but I’ve repent of that and I’m not perfect but I’m not anywhere near what I used to be. I don’t even take my prescribed medicine anymore, for fear of it being a sin. But, ironically, I am worse off that I felt like I was then. Then, I knew it was bad, but now, I feel like I’m the worlds worst sinner and I’ve repented. Am I supposed to be perfect? Should we never sin? I want to be good and please God but anymore, I’m too filled with anxiety to even really seek him. It all makes me feel terrible and I want God. I’m just afraid. OCD, Depression, and Anxiety consume my life and I’ve prayed for God to help me get out of my situations and be righteous but I feel like he is not listening to me and what’s worse, I’m scared that these mental illnesses are sins, and I want to be free and please God. I want to be a disciple but I just don’t think I have what it takes, it’s like I was created to be predestined to destruction. I want faith in God! How can I have faith that I will be saved, though, if every bite o f food I take, even after three days of fasting when I clearly heard that particular number from God, is still a sin, when part of me knows that it isn’t and that God wouldn’t be upset. When every worship song I try to listen to, I feel like I have to have it perfect, otherwise God won’t bless my Bible reading or send me to hell, if I use the wrong one. When I feel like I need to wash my hands 3 times before I sleep, or I will be condemned. I don’t know what’s a sin and what’s not anymore. Even worse, in hearing that OCD itself is a sin, I feel like the ultimate sinner, which only Spurs a desire to please God more...that Spurs more OCD. But I feel like if I don’t do these things right, I’ll be winning against my conscience and condemned. If I do end up doing them, which I do so much that it exhausts me and I spend a good bit of the day on them, I feel like I’m sinning against God directly, rather than indirectly. And this has the same end result. Hell. I just want to be with God in Heaven. I want my loving Heavenly Father. I want to find faith in God. I need Jesus Christ. (Funny thing about that, so,e people say that unless we call him by Yah or Yeshua and call God by Yahweh or JEHOVA, that we aren’t worshipping the true God). I’m trying to persevere but I just just feel like I don’t have any control over anything and that God just wants to make my life difficult and before he destroys me, even though I still care, but what can I do? I have tried so many things and I just feel overwhelmed. Im just hoping that God will have mercy because I feel like I am close to breaking point. I feel like I’ve blasphemed the Holy Spirit. Everything is a mess and I have so many voices telling me different things, even in prayer, it just frustrates me. But I don’t mean to get mad at God. I just can’t stand this. I am sorry to God that I say these things and think them and that I am like this. I miss the times where I felt whole and where I felt the perfect love of God. I just want to love God. I just want Jesus. I just want to feel God’s love. I just want to not be in agony. I just want the peace of Christ. I just want to be perfected by God so that I can please him. I just want to be saved...


Thank you for reading my story. I am sorry for the length of it. I am also sorry if I offended anyone. And I’m definitely sorry to God for offending him, I just want to tell the truth about how I see things because I want to be close to God. I would appreciate any advice you can give.


Thank you and God Bless you. Amen!