- Feb 19, 2017
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You know, sometimes I make some really stupid decisions within my own life. This might be one of them, but I'm not in it for the wrong reasons, I can promise you that.
About a month ago, I decided to go see my gynecologist about getting medicine for my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Up to this point, I had been steadily gaining more and more weight, and I thought that maybe it was all because my hormones weren't working as they should. I thought that maybe taking "the pill" would help me, but I'm honestly not so sure.
I remember when I was first diagnosed with PCOS. The gynecologist who saw me was pressuring me to take the pill and I adamantly refused to take it, knowing it would be like a band-aid solution to a problem that had a deeper root. She tried guilting me into taking it, saying that if I don't want to have kids in a few years, then it would be fine for me not to take it. She knew just how important it meant to me to be able to have children someday, and I feel like she was just using that to get me to take the pill. It really messed with my head and made me feel like I was doing something wrong or counter-productive by not taking it.
About a month ago, I caved in and decided I'd try taking the pill to see if it would help with my health issues. At first, it felt a little exciting embarking on this journey with a new medication, and yet... something felt really off about all of this. It felt like I had just admitted defeat by taking these pills, and not only that, but there was some real guilt that I started to feel too. The pills, themselves, began to make my body ache in certain places and may have made my current depressive episode even worse.
Right now I'm on the "sugar pill" section of my packet, and I couldn't feel more relieved at this point to be on them. I wasn't in as much pain today and it feels like now I'm leaving my poor body alone and not overloading it with pills that it might not really need. This should be a clear indication that maybe I shouldn't be taking these pills after all, but part of me is stubborn. Part of me wonders if maybe I should stick this out for two more months (which is when my next appointment is) before quitting or if I should just stop the pills cold-turkey and never look back.
All the while, I have been desperately looking online for things to talk me out of taking the pill. I'm trying to look for really negative things that would make me not want to take the pills, but it all just seems like general risk sorts of things. I want a reason to stop. I don't like this medication. It doesn't feel normal or natural, and it makes me feel like I quit on my body. It makes me feel broken and ashamed that I wanted to start taking these stupid pills in the first place. I know I was doing it for medical reasons, but I still feel so shameful, like I committed a nasty sort of sin. I can hardly even bear to talk to God about it at this point. I feel like He's be too ashamed of me to even listen, but I'm sure that's just me projecting my insecurities onto God. There's a lot that God can handle, and I don't think some itty bitty pill is going to be enough to ward Him away.
I just really needed to say this somewhere where other Catholic folks could hear me. It feels very lonely taking this sort of medication with no one close to me knowing about it (they'd be so judgmental and ashamed of me). It's like a dirty secret that I've been keeping, and I don't want to have to keep that secret anymore.
About a month ago, I decided to go see my gynecologist about getting medicine for my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Up to this point, I had been steadily gaining more and more weight, and I thought that maybe it was all because my hormones weren't working as they should. I thought that maybe taking "the pill" would help me, but I'm honestly not so sure.
I remember when I was first diagnosed with PCOS. The gynecologist who saw me was pressuring me to take the pill and I adamantly refused to take it, knowing it would be like a band-aid solution to a problem that had a deeper root. She tried guilting me into taking it, saying that if I don't want to have kids in a few years, then it would be fine for me not to take it. She knew just how important it meant to me to be able to have children someday, and I feel like she was just using that to get me to take the pill. It really messed with my head and made me feel like I was doing something wrong or counter-productive by not taking it.
About a month ago, I caved in and decided I'd try taking the pill to see if it would help with my health issues. At first, it felt a little exciting embarking on this journey with a new medication, and yet... something felt really off about all of this. It felt like I had just admitted defeat by taking these pills, and not only that, but there was some real guilt that I started to feel too. The pills, themselves, began to make my body ache in certain places and may have made my current depressive episode even worse.
Right now I'm on the "sugar pill" section of my packet, and I couldn't feel more relieved at this point to be on them. I wasn't in as much pain today and it feels like now I'm leaving my poor body alone and not overloading it with pills that it might not really need. This should be a clear indication that maybe I shouldn't be taking these pills after all, but part of me is stubborn. Part of me wonders if maybe I should stick this out for two more months (which is when my next appointment is) before quitting or if I should just stop the pills cold-turkey and never look back.
All the while, I have been desperately looking online for things to talk me out of taking the pill. I'm trying to look for really negative things that would make me not want to take the pills, but it all just seems like general risk sorts of things. I want a reason to stop. I don't like this medication. It doesn't feel normal or natural, and it makes me feel like I quit on my body. It makes me feel broken and ashamed that I wanted to start taking these stupid pills in the first place. I know I was doing it for medical reasons, but I still feel so shameful, like I committed a nasty sort of sin. I can hardly even bear to talk to God about it at this point. I feel like He's be too ashamed of me to even listen, but I'm sure that's just me projecting my insecurities onto God. There's a lot that God can handle, and I don't think some itty bitty pill is going to be enough to ward Him away.
I just really needed to say this somewhere where other Catholic folks could hear me. It feels very lonely taking this sort of medication with no one close to me knowing about it (they'd be so judgmental and ashamed of me). It's like a dirty secret that I've been keeping, and I don't want to have to keep that secret anymore.
taking the pill for medical reasons is not sinful at all. Please remember that Christ saved the bandit next to him at the cross. He had (most likely) killed people and/or commited great theft while he was an active criminal (the romans didn't crucify people without good reasons, except from Christ which Pontius pilate tried to free).
