Praying for you now.
And also pray for my salvation as despite hear about Jesus for quite a few years I still can't see any problem regarding sin and does not have much desire to know God and have not yet think of becoming a Christian.
I'm not really sure what God's logic is, but sometimes He catches people off-guard with how He reveals Himself to you. The arguments for Christianity are vast, with books like
Cold Case Christianity detailing the historical authenticity of things like the Bible & the Resurrection. The desire, however, is something that has to be implanted by the Spirit. Desiring the desire is a really weird stage; I went through it my last years of high school. Technically, I've always been Christian, but the faith never meant much to me, until Paige. She was a girl in my class that I always kind of liked, and we were friends, especially during senior year when we say next to each other for the first 2 hours of each day, and when she joined the tennis team when I was the manager of the girl's team. She had a really rough background; abusive father that she could never see as anything bad (Stockholm syndrome), suicidal brother, very low income family with 5 kids. She dated at least 20 guys, few of which were anything good. I didn't know why, but I really saw something good in her, something I wanted to bring out. I somehow knew her dignity, her worth as a person, and I wanted to show her that someone good cared about her.
I started turning seriously to God as a coping mechanism after an awful break-up & near-suicide; it was through Paige that God really showed me how to live the faith. I asked her out to senior prom, knowing that she would say no (while she was single for this brief period of time, I knew she'd have another guy on her mind, and she did). Even though I set myself up for rejection (although it was a very sweet rejection, where she said I was an awesome friend), I knew that she was more important than I was.
I bring this up because I knew what I should've done for her, something that would leave a lasting effect in her, a constant reminder of her dignity she had so long forgotten. I knew I had to bring her to Christ.
I had just started taking my faith seriously, seeing God as someone I should follow, not just someone who makes me go to Church. I was feeling like a new person, I had been lifted out of my years of mild depression, I was genuine in my desire to know more about God & form a relationship with Him. But I am a coward. I could never work up the courage to even mention a living God to a girl who needs Him so badly.
I had a desire to be a strong enough Christian that I could give the girl I loved with a genuine self-sacrificial love the gift she needed most. I have her $20 in Subway gift cards so that she could afford her senior poster from the tennis team; she said that she wasn't used to "being spoiled like this.". I knew she needed genuine love, I knew a God who would always provide it, I desired the desire to be able to tell her what she most needed to hear...and I still trust that God will use all of this for the better, even if I let Him down by never being able to take care of such a wonderful girl as He would've intended. I've gone through regret, anxious prayers, hours of thought, and emotions I can't describe, eventually coming to peace that God will still make good things happen in her life. From what I heard last year, she has a baby, and her boyfriend is with her still; if this is a guy who's willing to take care of a child with her, he's better than most of the trash Paige has dated. Others may see the child out of wedlock & judge them with silent ridicule, but I know her last too well to focus on the negative. I suppose that's the most undeniable influence of having Paige in my life; when I catch myself making harsh judgments for immoral behavior in others, I only have to think of how I'd feel if someone said that about Paige, and I back off of my self-righteousness, opting to pray for them instead.
I hope this helps. I'm tired & rambling, but I think this was something I needed to say, and I pray that you may someday understand why this period of your life is happening as it is. My suggestion for how to acquire a desire for Christ is the book
Killing Jesus; it's the Gospel story told in an exciting way, describing the backdrop of the stories, with interesting details of the Roman & Jewish power systems. The Bible is an odd writing style to our modern minds;
Killing Jesus tells many of the same stories in a more appealing manner. I don't recommend it as a replacement for the Gospels, just as a different style of writing the stories, and it helps me understand the Gospels more fully when I read them now.
May God bless you & being you His peace, especially at the hour of your death!
