Struggling with my husbands addiction to inappropriate content!

EHum92 · Oct 19, 2019

Hello,
I have been married for over 7 years, and my husband has had issues watching inappropriate contentography from the very beginning of our marriage (me unknowing to this). I found out later several months into our marriage he was watching this stuff. Once I caught him I did not keep up with it or ask him if he was continuing to watch it. A year ago I found out he was watching inappropriate content still so I told him I would tell our pastor if he did not change. After that he acted like he was not doing it every time I asked. This went until May of this year when I found out he had not stopped watching it but instead he had been watching it 17 times in one month (I came across this accidentally on his account). I warned him again that if he would not change that I would tell our pastor. He stopped and I didn’t realize how much our sex life was lacking until he really stopped (I had also found a way to monitor his account and showed him that I could which he agreed would help him). He started doing it again here and there and he was honest at first but then he started watching it on his work tablet so I went to my pastor and told him my husband was struggling with something. I did not go into detail and my pastor did not want me to elaborate on the situation or even have a discussion with me about it. Instead he and all the men prayed for my husband the next service. That was that and now he’s back at it again. This is a really tough battle and it is ruining my trust and everything else. Also, my husband is an avid hunter, fisher, noodler, playing golf, sports fan (basketball and football), so all his time is consumed in these things and running with the guys. I was literally due to have my first child in 2014 and he left over 2 hours away to go noodling just to give an idea of what our marriage has been like. He was born and raised a Christian man but his dad was not in church all of his childhood, only his mom until a few years ago. My husband is a lot like his dad. I want to keep my marriage but this has been really hard and it is affecting me in a lot of ways. I love my husband and I know he loves me. How can I get through this and keep my marriage? I really need some help.. sorry for the long post! Also, my husband travels for his work out of town a lot! And he is gone on the weekends out of state during the hunting season and noodling season.

Endeavourer · Oct 19, 2019

Hi Ehum,

I'm very sorry for the reasons you are here. Please post this story on marriagebuilders.com and you'll get great help by the highly experienced marriage building volunteers there.

Be advised you will need to take some difficult steps to eradicate this problem. I pray that you have the strength and nerve to do what you need to do.

Hugs and prayers,
E.

Swan7 · Oct 19, 2019

I would highly recommend going to God with this issue. God should be first in everything and everyday of our lives. He is there to listen and to help us and teach us. I promise you will not receive better help than Him.

This is a serious problem and I know you know that, but he can't kick that bad habit on his own. He needs help from God (if he's a Christian and serious about God) and support from you as his wife. Keep praying for him and allow God to be your guide in all of this.

God has helped me with a lot of things I struggled with and still struggle with, but not to the extent it was before. Believe and trust in God.

EHum92 · Oct 19, 2019

Endeavourer said:
Hi Ehum,

I'm very sorry for the reasons you are here. Please post this story on marriagebuilders.com and you'll get great help by the highly experienced marriage building volunteers there.

Be advised you will need to take some difficult steps to eradicate this problem. I pray that you have the strength and nerve to do what you need to do.

Hugs and prayers,
E.

Thank you! I realize if something doesn’t happen then it could potentially ruin our marriage or lead to infidelity later on.

EHum92 · Oct 19, 2019

Swan7 said:
I would highly recommend going to God with this issue. God should be first in everything and everyday of our lives. He is there to listen and to help us and teach us. I promise you will not receive better help than Him.

This is a serious problem and I know you know that, but he can't kick that bad habit on his own. He needs help from God (if he's a Christian and serious about God) and support from you as his wife. Keep praying for him and allow God to be your guide in all of this.

God has helped me with a lot of things I struggled with and still struggle with, but not to the extent it was before. Believe and trust in God.

I do believe God is able to pull us through. Right now it seems like we are going in circles around this! I have prayed about this and asked God to help us but I’ve kind of slipped in my prayers. I haven’t been seeking God as much as I should and I’ve been holding by threads and have nobody to talk to about this. I need support right now to hold me up so I can make it too. Thank you for your post!

Swan7 · Oct 19, 2019

EHum92 said:
I do believe God is able to pull us through. Right now it seems like we are going in circles around this! I have prayed about this and asked God to help us but I’ve kind of slipped in my prayers. I haven’t been seeking God as much as I should and I’ve been holding by threads and have nobody to talk to about this. I need support right now to hold me up so I can make it too. Thank you for your post!

I'm sorry to hear that, or read rather.
It's easy to slide, I know. Honestly the Bible gives so much encouragement in any situation, and God is with us! Sometimes it may feel like He's gone away, but He's right there. He wants us to run to Him even if it means waiting on His time. Hold on and stay in the faith, I'm praying for you and your husband. Even if no one hears you or speaks to you, God does and in many ways.

Greengardener · Oct 19, 2019

After seeing others suffering with similar problems, I have to suggest that whether in images or in reality, this problem he is having with inappropriate content is infidelity. Your marriage covenant is impaired. That doesn't mean you need to insist on divorce, but it means it's broken and something has to happen to fix it. The recurrence is a common situation, because it's such a stronghold. Your prayers are part of the solution, but there is another important part which is his willingness to step away from this filth. Would it be appropriate to draw the line in the sand, or are you willing to keep cycling indefinitely? I know many of us are glad to be here for you as you work through this difficult situation.

EHum92 · Oct 19, 2019

Swan7 said:
I'm sorry to hear that, or read rather.
It's easy to slide, I know. Honestly the Bible gives so much encouragement in any situation, and God is with us! Sometimes it may feel like He's gone away, but He's right there. He wants us to run to Him even if it means waiting on His time. Hold on and stay in the faith, I'm praying for you and your husband. Even if no one hears you or speaks to you, God does and in many ways.

I feel like I have been going through a dry spell spiritually. I really am trying to hold on to God, because he is my only hope in all of this. This world and all it has means nothing to me. I’ve realized I have a lot of trust issues and I struggle with bitterness. It makes cry to even talk about these things. I want to overcome and I want to feel happiness in my life again.

EHum92 · Oct 19, 2019

Greengardener said:
After seeing others suffering with similar problems, I have to suggest that whether in images or in reality, this problem he is having with inappropriate content is infidelity. Your marriage covenant is impaired. That doesn't mean you need to insist on divorce, but it means it's broken and something has to happen to fix it. The recurrence is a common situation, because it's such a stronghold. Your prayers are part of the solution, but there is another important part which is his willingness to step away from this filth. Would it be appropriate to draw the line in the sand, or are you willing to keep cycling indefinitely? I know many of us are glad to be here for you as you work through this difficult situation.

Thank for clarifying that, because he would say it’s not the same when I would tell him the scripture in the Bible that says if he even looks upon a woman to lust after her he has committed adultery in his heart. I am not sure where exactly this scripture is in the Bible. I don’t know how or where to draw the line in the sand. I’ve threatened to leave him but that gets me nowhere. I thought that telling my pastor my husband had a problem would get him to change because he is an instrument player and he is like a son to my pastor. I know my husband wants to change, but he just can’t do it with a snap of a finger. I know if my pastor knew what he was really doing and that he was still doing this he would set him off the platform. When I try to make him stay home to me he would just stay on his phone. He’ll be intimate when he feels like it and then just leaves to go hunting, fishing, or do something with the guys. I am sorry if this is tmi but he prefers me to please him orally more than being intimate with me. I know he loves me but I truly believe he loves himself more than me.

Endeavourer · Oct 20, 2019

EHum92 said:
I’ve threatened to leave him but that gets me nowhere.

Threatening to separate is never a good idea. If you need changes from your husband and he refuses to change, the most effective way to separate is for him to come home one day to find himself separated without warning.

The 'reality therapy" of changing the locks on the house (especially if you have kids) and having a note taped to his suitcase on the front porch is the most effective at motivating husbands to make the changes they need to make in order to be a fit partner in a marriage.

Changes you need that would rise to the level of separation therapy often include anger outbursts, inappropriate content addiction and infidelity. There can be other behaviors that necessitate this type of action on a wife's part but those are the three most common.

EHum92 · Oct 20, 2019

Endeavourer said:
Threatening to separate is never a good idea. If you need changes from your husband and he refuses to change, the most effective way to separate is for him to come home one day to find himself separated without warning.

The 'reality therapy" of changing the locks on the house (especially if you have kids) and having a note taped to his suitcase on the front porch is the most effective at motivating husbands to make the changes they need to make in order to be a fit partner in a marriage.

Changes you need that would rise to the level of separation therapy often include anger outbursts, inappropriate content addiction and infidelity. There can be other behaviors that necessitate this type of action on a wife's part but those are the three most common.

He has a bad addiction to inappropriate content. That is in the original post. That is how he gets his sexual fulfillment most of the time. It has been a month since we have had any relations because of this.

iLove · Oct 20, 2019

As a Christian we were "set free" the moment we are saved - "made free" speaks of a process. "Set Free," i.e., instantaneous - "Made Free, " i.e., You should know the truth and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32, John 14:6). "Made Free" = sanctification.

If our willpower was the answer, Jesus did not need to leave Heaven and be Crucified on the Cross Calvary where the victory was won. No man/woman can fix the flesh with the flesh (Zech. 4:6). We make laws believing that our works can please God.

f you leave the Cross, on your best day all you can do is try and patch up the situation. You can not fix it! Why? Because only the Cross deals with sins! If it's not Faith in Christ and what He did for us at the Cross, then it's Faith that God will not recognize. The apostle says, "Christ shall profit you nothing" (Gal. 5:2). He says, "Christ is become of no effect unto you" (Gal. 5:4). THAT INCLUDES YOUR PRAYERS!

The answer you seek, is found in the Cross. Jesus Christ is the solution for mankind - there is no other! It takes the Power of God to set the captive free. Many bypass the Cross for their solutions and Grace is cancelled. These problems we face are too severe to be talked out of anybody. Bondage (taskmasters are demon spirits that come to afflict - Exodus 1:11) can be broken only by the Power of God. This is why Jesus had to come from Heaven and die on the Cross in order that the power of sin may be broken. Sin has a power behind it and his name is Satan.

If a Christian will and their efforts to live for God is in anything except Christ and the Cross, i.e., Finished Work, The Blood of Jesus (Romans 8:2), Satan can override your will and force you to do things you don't want to do and trying not to do (Ephesians 6:12). Our willpower is routed in flesh. This is why Jesus said deny yourself and pick up your cross and follow me (Luke 9:23). In other words, receive my benefits daily I have provided for you.

The Christian is doomed to failure if he thinks he can face the sin business and simply say yes or no. That's not the way it works. Those who try that (and almost all have) will conclude by failing every time. You may win for awhile, but after awhile, you're going to fail.

Now, stop and think about this for a moment: If it were possible for us to defeat sin and the attacks of Satan by willpower, then Jesus would not have had to come down here and die on a Cross. He could have merely taught us how to function within our willpower, and that would have solved the problem.

However, He didn't do that, did He? The truth is, the problem of sin is so deadly that it took the Cross to defeat this monster, and even then, we have to have the help of the Holy Spirit to get this thing done. That's why Paul said, "But if the Spirit (Holy Spirit) of Him (God the Father) who raised up Jesus from the dead dwell in you, He who raised up Christ from the dead shall also quicken your mortal bodies by His Spirit who dwells in you" (Rom. 8:11).

This tells us that sin is so powerful that it takes the same power to overcome this thing as it did to raise Jesus from the dead, which, of course, is the power of the Holy Spirit. Understanding that, we should come to the conclusion that our personal willpower is totally inadequate.

However, most Christians little understand the victory of the Cross and try to do this thing on their own, which always results in failure.

The majority of Christians know nothing about the Cross of Christ for sanctification. Justification delivers us from the penalty of sin, while sanctification delivers us from the power of sin. The Cross of Christ is as necessary for sanctification as it is for salvation (1 Cor. 1:18).

Because we are in this body of flesh, as Paul said, "We have not been perfected yet (Philippians 3:12-13)," and because we have a enemy within and a enemy without (the world, the flesh, and the Devil), you can still get tired of trusting. This is why the scripture says:

Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1

JSM

NothingIsImpossible · Oct 28, 2019

I wish I had some perfect answer that would solve this. But sadly there is no perfect answer. No magic cure. I mean there is God of course, but inappropriate content addiction is like fishing and you are the fish. As soon as you see the lure, you often just give in because you just feel you have to. As the fish you never learn its a lure or that it will happen again.

Maybe a bad analogy. lol. I can tell you that threatening to tell a pastor or anyone won't really do anything. And its not because your husband doesn't care, its because his addiction controls him. I should mention getting someone to admit to just how much inappropriate content they look at is hard. Again, not because they don't care about the truth, but because they probably have deep guilt and shame over it. Which can get in the way of recovery since they will put up a defensive wall to deal with the shame.

I had a severe inappropriate content addiction (like many times a day). And while I'd say I am 98% free, I at times see that lure dangling at the top of the water. First step your husband needs to take is ask why does he prefer inappropriate content over his wife? Is it he feels the inappropriate content is "sexier" to him? Had he lost his interest in you? Does he just like seeing something "new" to look at?

Whatever the answer, he needs to work with you on it so he looks to you for sexual needs. Next he needs to find what triggers his urges. For example if its REALLY late and I am very tired but stay up, I seem to have much less ability to control my urge to want to look.

So when I tired I now try to sleep. I turn off my computer screen. I put my phone away from the bed. And if my wife is available and up to it, I try to see if she wants to be intimate.

Next step is him seeing just how much God he is letting into his life. Is he praying daily? Reading daily? Going to church? Now that I've gotten back on track with that stuff, I feel stronger (through God). I can avoid urges much better now. I feel close to God again.

Obviously couples counseling would help. And if he a accountability partner, it might help too. In the end it will be a hard road. Maybe he will look forever. Maybe he will totally stop. But the temptation will still be there. My dad before he was a christian had a deep inappropriate content addiction and admits there are moments of weakness 40+ years later. Not that he looks, but he can feel the devil whispering "Look at this thing, there is no nudity, just a peak! It's fine!".

Jonathan Walkerin · Oct 28, 2019

EHum92 said:
That is how he gets his sexual fulfillment most of the time. It has been a month since we have had any relations because of this.

That seems bit....simplified. Watching inappropriate content is usually not the only reason for not having sex with spouse. Perfectly healthy people can watch inappropriate content and still have enjoyable sex.

At leat for me bigger turn off than inappropriate content would be knowing my wife repeatedly told her pastor about it, threatened me about it, kept track of it and even got other men to pray against it.

EHum92 · Oct 29, 2019

Jonathan Walkerin said:
That seems bit....simplified. Watching inappropriate content is usually not the only reason for not having sex with spouse. Perfectly healthy people can watch inappropriate content and still have enjoyable sex.

At leat for me bigger turn off than inappropriate content would be knowing my wife repeatedly told her pastor about it, threatened me about it, kept track of it and even got other men to pray against it.

Well, he was like this way before I ever told my pastor, threatened him, or kept track of it, so that’s just an excuse. People who cheat or abuse often blames the person they are doing it to and that’s just going to get you no where. I’ve learned blaming people for your actions is because you don’t want to take responsibility for what you did. Also, I never told them what he was doing and I didn’t get other men to pray against it. It was my pastor who told the men that my husband needed prayer.

EHum92 · Oct 29, 2019

EHum92 said:
Well, he was like this way before I ever told my pastor, threatened him, or kept track of it, so that’s just an excuse. People who cheat or abuse often blames the person they are doing it to and that’s just going to get you no where. I’ve learned blaming people for your actions is because you don’t want to take responsibility for what you did. Also, I never told them what he was doing and I didn’t get other men to pray against it. It was my pastor who told the men that my husband needed prayer.

Each of us are responsible for our own actions regardless of what people have done o

EHum92 · Oct 29, 2019

EHum92 said:
Each of us are responsible for our own actions regardless of what people have done or said

EHum92 · Oct 29, 2019

NothingIsImpossible said:
I wish I had some perfect answer that would solve this. But sadly there is no perfect answer. No magic cure. I mean there is God of course, but inappropriate content addiction is like fishing and you are the fish. As soon as you see the lure, you often just give in because you just feel you have to. As the fish you never learn its a lure or that it will happen again.

Maybe a bad analogy. lol. I can tell you that threatening to tell a pastor or anyone won't really do anything. And its not because your husband doesn't care, its because his addiction controls him. I should mention getting someone to admit to just how much inappropriate content they look at is hard. Again, not because they don't care about the truth, but because they probably have deep guilt and shame over it. Which can get in the way of recovery since they will put up a defensive wall to deal with the shame.

I had a severe inappropriate content addiction (like many times a day). And while I'd say I am 98% free, I at times see that lure dangling at the top of the water. First step your husband needs to take is ask why does he prefer inappropriate content over his wife? Is it he feels the inappropriate content is "sexier" to him? Had he lost his interest in you? Does he just like seeing something "new" to look at?

Whatever the answer, he needs to work with you on it so he looks to you for sexual needs. Next he needs to find what triggers his urges. For example if its REALLY late and I am very tired but stay up, I seem to have much less ability to control my urge to want to look.

So when I tired I now try to sleep. I turn off my computer screen. I put my phone away from the bed. And if my wife is available and up to it, I try to see if she wants to be intimate.

Next step is him seeing just how much God he is letting into his life. Is he praying daily? Reading daily? Going to church? Now that I've gotten back on track with that stuff, I feel stronger (through God). I can avoid urges much better now. I feel close to God again.

Obviously couples counseling would help. And if he a accountability partner, it might help too. In the end it will be a hard road. Maybe he will look forever. Maybe he will totally stop. But the temptation will still be there. My dad before he was a christian had a deep inappropriate content addiction and admits there are moments of weakness 40+ years later. Not that he looks, but he can feel the devil whispering "Look at this thing, there is no nudity, just a peak! It's fine!".

He goes to church faithfully when he is not working out of town and he plays an instrument on the platform. He gives tithes faithfully and has never been interested in worldly things like smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. He is an avid fisher, hunter, noodler, and sports fanatic. These consume a lot of his time along with running with the guys practically every weekend. We don’t have a tv or computer or home internet so he watches all his inappropriate content on his phone. We attend church meetings and he runs with church guys except for his cousins husband. He travels a lot for hunting, noodling, and work. He can be gone all week and come home only to leave out of state again to do his hobbies. I am 30 weeks pregnant along with two kids I am a stay at home mom. I cook dinner, do laundry, and all the housework and I take care of the finances and take care of the children and am at home 7 days a week cooking cleaning etc. We are moving so I am currently doing all the packing and work on the house to sell it. I have a lot of health issues with my heart and multiple other things and have passing out episodes. I was hospitalized 4 years ago with blood clots on my lungs, vagus nerve disfunction, hemorrhaging pituitary Gland Tumor and more. My husband was having problems with inappropriate content before I became sick so I know that shouldn’t be an excuse but it probably doesn’t help. I try to help out the best way I can and I do complain a lot but it’s so hard not to when I have so much on my plate and I am alone a lot. I hate giving my whole life story but I thought hiding the details won’t help in the narrative.

EHum92 · Oct 29, 2019

EHum92 said:
He goes to church faithfully when he is not working out of town and he plays an instrument on the platform. He gives tithes faithfully and has never been interested in worldly things like smoking, drinking, and doing drugs. He is an avid fisher, hunter, noodler, and sports fanatic. These consume a lot of his time along with running with the guys practically every weekend. We don’t have a tv or computer or home internet so he watches all his inappropriate content on his phone. We attend church meetings and he runs with church guys except for his cousins husband. He travels a lot for hunting, noodling, and work. He can be gone all week and come home only to leave out of state again to do his hobbies. I am 30 weeks pregnant along with two kids I am a stay at home mom. I cook dinner, do laundry, and all the housework and I take care of the finances and take care of the children and am at home 7 days a week cooking cleaning etc. We are moving so I am currently doing all the packing and work on the house to sell it. I have a lot of health issues with my heart and multiple other things and have passing out episodes. I was hospitalized 4 years ago with blood clots on my lungs, vagus nerve disfunction, hemorrhaging pituitary Gland Tumor and more. My husband was having problems with inappropriate content before I became sick so I know that shouldn’t be an excuse but it probably doesn’t help. I try to help out the best way I can and I do complain a lot but it’s so hard not to when I have so much on my plate and I am alone a lot. I hate giving my whole life story but I thought hiding the details won’t help in the narrative.

Also, he is a very liked guy by all the people around him. As soon as he is home from out of state working everyone is calling him to go do something. He is not abusive in any way and he can be a very good dad at times when he is spending time with us (very few and far between). He takes my 5 year old son with him sometimes to go hunting and stuff (not very often because he is so young). He makes plans all the time without me. He is on his phone A LOT when he is at home with me and the kids. He doesn’t think leaving me at home by myself all the time is really much of an issue. His mom had 5 kids and as soon as she had her youngest child her husband kissed her and the baby and left to go 6 hours away to Colorado to hunt. My husband believes this is a normal way of life. My dad was not that way, he was a family man, but he was verbally abusive to my mom. So, I had a different upbringing.

BNR32FAN · Oct 29, 2019

EHum92 said:
Hello,
I have been married for over 7 years, and my husband has had issues watching inappropriate contentography from the very beginning of our marriage (me unknowing to this). I found out later several months into our marriage he was watching this stuff. Once I caught him I did not keep up with it or ask him if he was continuing to watch it. A year ago I found out he was watching inappropriate content still so I told him I would tell our pastor if he did not change. After that he acted like he was not doing it every time I asked. This went until May of this year when I found out he had not stopped watching it but instead he had been watching it 17 times in one month (I came across this accidentally on his account). I warned him again that if he would not change that I would tell our pastor. He stopped and I didn’t realize how much our sex life was lacking until he really stopped (I had also found a way to monitor his account and showed him that I could which he agreed would help him). He started doing it again here and there and he was honest at first but then he started watching it on his work tablet so I went to my pastor and told him my husband was struggling with something. I did not go into detail and my pastor did not want me to elaborate on the situation or even have a discussion with me about it. Instead he and all the men prayed for my husband the next service. That was that and now he’s back at it again. This is a really tough battle and it is ruining my trust and everything else. Also, my husband is an avid hunter, fisher, noodler, playing golf, sports fan (basketball and football), so all his time is consumed in these things and running with the guys. I was literally due to have my first child in 2014 and he left over 2 hours away to go noodling just to give an idea of what our marriage has been like. He was born and raised a Christian man but his dad was not in church all of his childhood, only his mom until a few years ago. My husband is a lot like his dad. I want to keep my marriage but this has been really hard and it is affecting me in a lot of ways. I love my husband and I know he loves me. How can I get through this and keep my marriage? I really need some help.. sorry for the long post! Also, my husband travels for his work out of town a lot! And he is gone on the weekends out of state during the hunting season and noodling season.

There’s a Christian counseling group called “Every Man’s Battle” that specialize in inappropriate content addiction. Perhaps you could give them a try? Here’s a link to get some info. Help for Sexual and inappropriate content Addiction |Every Man's Battle | A Sexual Addiction Workshop

Struggling with my husbands addiction to inappropriate content!

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