Virgin or lack there of... does it matter?

It's Just me · May 22, 2019

Hi, this is going to be hard for me to write, so people be nice. Be honest, but please dont beat me up with your answers.

I will first tell you my story, then my question, if you dont want to read the story you can skip to my question

STORY:
A few years ago I found myself in a not so great situation, I was hanging out with a guy that I thought I knew and could trust, but apparently I was wrong. He more or less forced himself on me, and I was paralyzed with fear, so I just let it happen... he had sex with me and I was so ashamed... we never talked again after it happened. I felt broken and like I was worthless. Im a Christian and I know that your supposed to wait until marriage, but this guy ruined that for me.

I guess after this happened I asked myself why God would let it happen. I thought that the deed was done and I was no longer worthy of anything. I kind of fell from my faith a little bit, I was still a Christian, but just felt ashamed, and unworthy of love.

I met this guy awhile later, I told him upfront that I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to hangout and be friends, but that I was not going to do anything sexually. He told me that it was fine. We hung-out a few timed, then one-day he took me to his house, we were hanging out, he started making out with me, and I told him that nothing was going to happen. He told me he knew, and it was fine, but then he got demanding, took my clothes off, I told him no, but he didn't listen. He was a lot bigger than I was so I couldn't do anything. He too forced himself upon me

This guy was super nice, and I did like him, but this wasn't what I wanted. So I told myself the following.
-he's a nice guy
-he's a good guy
-I like him
-No one needs to know
-If we date and get married then it ls like it was meant to be.

So, I tried to date this guy, and turns out he really only wanted sex. so obviously that didn't work out, and I felt even more broken.

two years later Im dating another guy, he's not a Christian, buy he genuinely values me, respects me, and doesn't force me to do anything. BUT I know I am doing wrong by being with a non-believer. This guy has in a way lead me back to my faith, he's helped me make it stronger. I believe that God sent this guy ti build me back up, and become who I was before everything happened

BUT I know I need to end it with my current BF, and I will.

MY CURRENT LIFE:
-I am about to finish university with a great degree
-I am a Sunday school teacher
-I am an AWANA leader
-I have made peace with myself

QUESTIONS:
-- Ive been raped by two men (I went back to the second one to try and 'fix it' in my mind, so I know its not considered rape) but I have made peace with it, and I have forgiven myself, and I know God has too. I know that that it the main thing.
-- I know I need to breakup with my current BF and I will.

--When I start dating a new guy (not now, but down the road when I am ready) do you think that I need to tell him what has happened in the past?
-I know I do not have any sexually transmitted diseases, Ive been tested.
- bringing up the past just hurts me.
-I dont consider it to be my fault, I did wrong, but not by choice
-Will this information be good for him to know? Why?

Any-other thoughts you have are welcome, but please try to be nice. I want honesty though, so that the main thing

Endeavourer · May 22, 2019

No, it doesn't matter.

Read Proverbs 31..... none of the things that make a virtuous woman are virginity.

I'm so sorry you were caught into coerced sex. Yes, it's somewhere on the rape scale, but many don't understand that. I hope and pray no one steps into this thread to berate you.

You are just as beautiful, whole and awesome as you ever were before. If a man hangs everything on your virginity then you escaped a very sad marriage because he doesn't have a clue about what to value in a woman.

((Hugs))

Endeavourer · May 22, 2019

It's Just me said:
two years later Im dating another guy, he's not a Christian, buy he genuinely values me, respects me, and doesn't force me to do anything. BUT I know I am doing wrong by being with a non-believer. This guy has in a way lead me back to my faith, he's helped me make it stronger. I believe that God sent this guy ti build me back up, and become who I was before everything happened

BUT I know I need to end it with my current BF, and I will.

I'm also very sorry to tell you this, but this guy is not your man. An unequally yoking in a marriage grows long in the tooth very quickly, especially after children arrive. The Bible's wisdom is true for all times. Your faith is a substantial part of who you are, and that whole portion of you will feel withered and neglected in an unequally yoked marriage.

An equally yoked marriage with your best friend and lover, where you share your spiritual journey together is a joy like few others here on earth. An unequally yoked marriage, by definition, cannot match this joy.

Don't set yourself up for a only fraction of the beauty you can experience in a marriage.

Blade · May 22, 2019

ah bless you SO MUCH! A song..old song comes to mind.. I LOVE LOVE LOVE MUSIC! "if you've done it and you wonder what to do..go to Jesus and He will make you brand new" <----so how does CHRIST see you now? What does HE really truly remember? Brand new.. is not just cute nice words.

What are you giving (I pray hope as any FATHER would hello lol.. after marriage) now? Its NOW that matters.. NOW is all you have. Me and my wife have TALKED about our past.. still parts of mine she does not know.. nor cares to.. its what she has now.. I have her.. she is mine.. I am all hers. So.. I cant speak for anyone but me.. I wouldnt care to know.. its what would be standing before me.. so beautiful

Sam91 · May 22, 2019

Hi Eva. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I bet your trust in men has been pretty shaken by this.

-Both are considered rape. You reacted naively and did not value yourself enough as a daughter of the living God to have tried to date the guy after he forced things. It should have been clear to you that the guy was not someone you should date. However, you could have been trying to fix the situation and not thinking clearly due to trauma. (Yeah, I didn't like saying this but I think it was one point that you wanted commented on). Maybe you could stick closely to mature christian ladies and not meet young men alone. Possibly do group activities while getting to know them and meet in public in order to stay safe?

- I think you have made up your mind about your current boyfriend.

As for telling a new guy, I do not think you should worry about this yet. The Bible tells us to not worry. Concentrate on the Lord and growing in Him. It might be difficult in the future or it may not but don't let that overshadow your present.

You were unwise, but I don't think you were wrong. There is no condemnation for those in Christ. Lean on Him. You are cherished sister and He will hold you fast.

I hope you have someone's support in this. Have you had chance to speak about those events or have you hidden it inside. If this is you starting to open up about it, I commend you and I hope people respond gently and carefully. (Also, well done in continuing your degree.

)

.Mikha'el. · May 22, 2019

It's Just me said:
Hi, this is going to be hard for me to write, so people be nice. Be honest, but please dont beat me up with your answers.

I will first tell you my story, then my question, if you dont want to read the story you can skip to my question

STORY:
A few years ago I found myself in a not so great situation, I was hanging out with a guy that I thought I knew and could trust, but apparently I was wrong. He more or less forced himself on me, and I was paralyzed with fear, so I just let it happen... he had sex with me and I was so ashamed... we never talked again after it happened. I felt broken and like I was worthless. Im a Christian and I know that your supposed to wait until marriage, but this guy ruined that for me.

I guess after this happened I asked myself why God would let it happen. I thought that the deed was done and I was no longer worthy of anything. I kind of fell from my faith a little bit, I was still a Christian, but just felt ashamed, and unworthy of love.

I met this guy awhile later, I told him upfront that I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to hangout and be friends, but that I was not going to do anything sexually. He told me that it was fine. We hung-out a few timed, then one-day he took me to his house, we were hanging out, he started making out with me, and I told him that nothing was going to happen. He told me he knew, and it was fine, but then he got demanding, took my clothes off, I told him no, but he didn't listen. He was a lot bigger than I was so I couldn't do anything. He too forced himself upon me

This guy was super nice, and I did like him, but this wasn't what I wanted. So I told myself the following.
-he's a nice guy
-he's a good guy
-I like him
-No one needs to know
-If we date and get married then it ls like it was meant to be.

So, I tried to date this guy, and turns out he really only wanted sex. so obviously that didn't work out, and I felt even more broken.

two years later Im dating another guy, he's not a Christian, buy he genuinely values me, respects me, and doesn't force me to do anything. BUT I know I am doing wrong by being with a non-believer. This guy has in a way lead me back to my faith, he's helped me make it stronger. I believe that God sent this guy ti build me back up, and become who I was before everything happened

BUT I know I need to end it with my current BF, and I will.

MY CURRENT LIFE:
-I am about to finish university with a great degree
-I am a Sunday school teacher
-I am an AWANA leader
-I have made peace with myself

QUESTIONS:
-- Ive been raped by two men (I went back to the second one to try and 'fix it' in my mind, so I know its not considered rape) but I have made peace with it, and I have forgiven myself, and I know God has too. I know that that it the main thing.
-- I know I need to breakup with my current BF and I will.

--When I start dating a new guy (not now, but down the road when I am ready) do you think that I need to tell him what has happened in the past?
-I know I do not have any sexually transmitted diseases, Ive been tested.
- bringing up the past just hurts me.
-I dont consider it to be my fault, I did wrong, but not by choice
-Will this information be good for him to know? Why?

Any-other thoughts you have are welcome, but please try to be nice. I want honesty though, so that the main thing

Don't make excuses to raise the matter with a new partner or otherwise bring it up unnecessarily. If he asks about your past, be honest with him. As for whether or not it could break a future relationship, some guys will care about that, and others not.

Rescued One · May 22, 2019

God is merciful and we should be merciful, too. :hug:

(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) · May 22, 2019

It's Just me said:
Hi, this is going to be hard for me to write, so people be nice. Be honest, but please dont beat me up with your answers.

I will first tell you my story, then my question, if you dont want to read the story you can skip to my question

STORY:
A few years ago I found myself in a not so great situation, I was hanging out with a guy that I thought I knew and could trust, but apparently I was wrong. He more or less forced himself on me, and I was paralyzed with fear, so I just let it happen... he had sex with me and I was so ashamed... we never talked again after it happened. I felt broken and like I was worthless. Im a Christian and I know that your supposed to wait until marriage, but this guy ruined that for me.

I guess after this happened I asked myself why God would let it happen. I thought that the deed was done and I was no longer worthy of anything. I kind of fell from my faith a little bit, I was still a Christian, but just felt ashamed, and unworthy of love.

I met this guy awhile later, I told him upfront that I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to hangout and be friends, but that I was not going to do anything sexually. He told me that it was fine. We hung-out a few timed, then one-day he took me to his house, we were hanging out, he started making out with me, and I told him that nothing was going to happen. He told me he knew, and it was fine, but then he got demanding, took my clothes off, I told him no, but he didn't listen. He was a lot bigger than I was so I couldn't do anything. He too forced himself upon me

This guy was super nice, and I did like him, but this wasn't what I wanted. So I told myself the following.
-he's a nice guy
-he's a good guy
-I like him
-No one needs to know
-If we date and get married then it ls like it was meant to be.

So, I tried to date this guy, and turns out he really only wanted sex. so obviously that didn't work out, and I felt even more broken.

two years later Im dating another guy, he's not a Christian, buy he genuinely values me, respects me, and doesn't force me to do anything. BUT I know I am doing wrong by being with a non-believer. This guy has in a way lead me back to my faith, he's helped me make it stronger. I believe that God sent this guy ti build me back up, and become who I was before everything happened

BUT I know I need to end it with my current BF, and I will.

MY CURRENT LIFE:
-I am about to finish university with a great degree
-I am a Sunday school teacher
-I am an AWANA leader
-I have made peace with myself

QUESTIONS:
-- Ive been raped by two men (I went back to the second one to try and 'fix it' in my mind, so I know its not considered rape) but I have made peace with it, and I have forgiven myself, and I know God has too. I know that that it the main thing.
-- I know I need to breakup with my current BF and I will.

--When I start dating a new guy (not now, but down the road when I am ready) do you think that I need to tell him what has happened in the past?
-I know I do not have any sexually transmitted diseases, Ive been tested.
- bringing up the past just hurts me.
-I dont consider it to be my fault, I did wrong, but not by choice
-Will this information be good for him to know? Why?

Any-other thoughts you have are welcome, but please try to be nice. I want honesty though, so that the main thing

Although two men tried to take your virtue, you never gave it away. I will say it again. YOU NEVER GAVE YOURSELF AWAY!

Lost4words · May 22, 2019

You say your current boyfriend has helped you get back to your faith. Do you think that maybe God put you together so that you can convert him to christianity? Have you broached the subject with him?

mnphysicist · May 23, 2019

Its pretty likely that you and the new guy down the road, if things get serious, will talk about your pasts. You do need to be honest about this if asked, as a relationship based upon falsehoods, including lies of omission will have a thorn in its side. And usually such thorns do come back to bite, often at the worst possible times.

If you two are serious, and the guy has issues with your prior rapes maybe you can give him some time to process it, but if he is anything but gentle and 100% compassionate and accepting in short order, you do not want a relationship with said guy. And yes, you were raped, there was no consent, and then they guy(s) forced it... thats 100% on them.

Will it be good for him to know?

Well, as an older guy, I've dated a fair number of woman over the years, and sadly a few of them had been raped. In some cases, they were still healing and shared that early on, in other cases, much later. The thing is, at times you might be triggered by something, perhaps even something your new guy does... which will then freak him out as he has no clue as to what he might have done. With knowledge of your past, its a lot easier for you two as a couple to navigate triggers etc together... and the guys role may well be the same, to sit there and listen, but if he has greater understanding, he will be a lot less tempted to step in to try and fix, or rush, or the other things us guys are prone to do, as contrasted with keeping space for our partners.

1watchman · May 24, 2019

Friend, you need not volunteer this bad experience to anyone. God knows, and your relationship with God is the important thing. He knows you are troubled, and if you talk to God about it and pray for His leading and help you will be alright. God expects us to confess all failures or bad feelings and continue to worship Him through the Lord Jesus, the Christ of God. He knows we are weak and failing, but we must be honest.
I would not volunteer such a thing to the one you expect to marry (or anyone), but if asked about any intimate relationships by your fiancé, you need to be honest and say you were raped. Just leave it at that and do not engage in any further talk on the subject. A Christian man will leave it at that. I believe this is the mind of our God.

Angeleyes7715 · May 25, 2019

It's Just me said:
Hi, this is going to be hard for me to write, so people be nice. Be honest, but please dont beat me up with your answers.

I will first tell you my story, then my question, if you dont want to read the story you can skip to my question

STORY:
A few years ago I found myself in a not so great situation, I was hanging out with a guy that I thought I knew and could trust, but apparently I was wrong. He more or less forced himself on me, and I was paralyzed with fear, so I just let it happen... he had sex with me and I was so ashamed... we never talked again after it happened. I felt broken and like I was worthless. Im a Christian and I know that your supposed to wait until marriage, but this guy ruined that for me.

I guess after this happened I asked myself why God would let it happen. I thought that the deed was done and I was no longer worthy of anything. I kind of fell from my faith a little bit, I was still a Christian, but just felt ashamed, and unworthy of love.

I met this guy awhile later, I told him upfront that I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to hangout and be friends, but that I was not going to do anything sexually. He told me that it was fine. We hung-out a few timed, then one-day he took me to his house, we were hanging out, he started making out with me, and I told him that nothing was going to happen. He told me he knew, and it was fine, but then he got demanding, took my clothes off, I told him no, but he didn't listen. He was a lot bigger than I was so I couldn't do anything. He too forced himself upon me

This guy was super nice, and I did like him, but this wasn't what I wanted. So I told myself the following.
-he's a nice guy
-he's a good guy
-I like him
-No one needs to know
-If we date and get married then it ls like it was meant to be.

So, I tried to date this guy, and turns out he really only wanted sex. so obviously that didn't work out, and I felt even more broken.

two years later Im dating another guy, he's not a Christian, buy he genuinely values me, respects me, and doesn't force me to do anything. BUT I know I am doing wrong by being with a non-believer. This guy has in a way lead me back to my faith, he's helped me make it stronger. I believe that God sent this guy ti build me back up, and become who I was before everything happened

BUT I know I need to end it with my current BF, and I will.

MY CURRENT LIFE:
-I am about to finish university with a great degree
-I am a Sunday school teacher
-I am an AWANA leader
-I have made peace with myself

QUESTIONS:
-- Ive been raped by two men (I went back to the second one to try and 'fix it' in my mind, so I know its not considered rape) but I have made peace with it, and I have forgiven myself, and I know God has too. I know that that it the main thing.
-- I know I need to breakup with my current BF and I will.

--When I start dating a new guy (not now, but down the road when I am ready) do you think that I need to tell him what has happened in the past?
-I know I do not have any sexually transmitted diseases, Ive been tested.
- bringing up the past just hurts me.
-I dont consider it to be my fault, I did wrong, but not by choice
-Will this information be good for him to know? Why?

Any-other thoughts you have are welcome, but please try to be nice. I want honesty though, so that the main thing

It's not and will never be your fault. I'm glad you know that. You weren't wrong you weren't foolish it's something that someone else did to you it's in no way something that was your choice. Virtue should be the last thing you should be worried about in this situation imo. Two men violated you and you never wanted that so it's not like you gave yourself away they took from you.

Your allowed to be uncomfortable with dating a new guy or even still just working through the issue. That's a tough and horrible thing to go through and God sees everything that happens to his believers and he loves you. Vengeance is mine thus say the Lord. Jesus was hurt by human beings too and believe me he knows and cares about all the horrible things that happen to us. The wicked have their day and I hope they repent. Blessed are those who pray for their enemies. I know that's probably the last thing that anyone wants to hear in that situation, but it's the truth. You will reap great rewards for your suffering and overcoming one day in heaven. You are stronger than you can imagine still serving the Lord and remaining faithful. Bless you for all your work for the Lord as a Sunday school teacher and Awana leader. Awana was how I learned about God as a child so it's a great thing you are doing with your life.

Only tell the new husband (when you get married one day) what happened if you feel you want to. And yes take time to heal and also maybe self defense classes and not spending time alone with guys so that your safety isn't at risk. If this guy is helping you find your faith in Christ again I don't think it's wrong to go on dates with him. If he isn't doing anything to jeapordize your faith and you becoming closer to the Lord can encourage him to come to God than I think it's okay to be around him. Not make out and date seriously, but I guess kind of just be friends and see how things turn out and if he's ever interested in being Christian.

Daniel C · May 25, 2019

It's Just me said:
Hi, this is going to be hard for me to write, so people be nice. Be honest, but please dont beat me up with your answers.

I will first tell you my story, then my question, if you dont want to read the story you can skip to my question

STORY:
A few years ago I found myself in a not so great situation, I was hanging out with a guy that I thought I knew and could trust, but apparently I was wrong. He more or less forced himself on me, and I was paralyzed with fear, so I just let it happen... he had sex with me and I was so ashamed... we never talked again after it happened. I felt broken and like I was worthless. Im a Christian and I know that your supposed to wait until marriage, but this guy ruined that for me.

I guess after this happened I asked myself why God would let it happen. I thought that the deed was done and I was no longer worthy of anything. I kind of fell from my faith a little bit, I was still a Christian, but just felt ashamed, and unworthy of love.

I met this guy awhile later, I told him upfront that I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to hangout and be friends, but that I was not going to do anything sexually. He told me that it was fine. We hung-out a few timed, then one-day he took me to his house, we were hanging out, he started making out with me, and I told him that nothing was going to happen. He told me he knew, and it was fine, but then he got demanding, took my clothes off, I told him no, but he didn't listen. He was a lot bigger than I was so I couldn't do anything. He too forced himself upon me

This guy was super nice, and I did like him, but this wasn't what I wanted. So I told myself the following.
-he's a nice guy
-he's a good guy
-I like him
-No one needs to know
-If we date and get married then it ls like it was meant to be.

So, I tried to date this guy, and turns out he really only wanted sex. so obviously that didn't work out, and I felt even more broken.

two years later Im dating another guy, he's not a Christian, buy he genuinely values me, respects me, and doesn't force me to do anything. BUT I know I am doing wrong by being with a non-believer. This guy has in a way lead me back to my faith, he's helped me make it stronger. I believe that God sent this guy ti build me back up, and become who I was before everything happened

BUT I know I need to end it with my current BF, and I will.

MY CURRENT LIFE:
-I am about to finish university with a great degree
-I am a Sunday school teacher
-I am an AWANA leader
-I have made peace with myself

QUESTIONS:
-- Ive been raped by two men (I went back to the second one to try and 'fix it' in my mind, so I know its not considered rape) but I have made peace with it, and I have forgiven myself, and I know God has too. I know that that it the main thing.
-- I know I need to breakup with my current BF and I will.

--When I start dating a new guy (not now, but down the road when I am ready) do you think that I need to tell him what has happened in the past?
-I know I do not have any sexually transmitted diseases, Ive been tested.
- bringing up the past just hurts me.
-I dont consider it to be my fault, I did wrong, but not by choice
-Will this information be good for him to know? Why?

Any-other thoughts you have are welcome, but please try to be nice. I want honesty though, so that the main thing

Well you ask us to be honest so we will.

One of your questions is ''When I start dating a new guy (not now, but down the road when I am ready) do you think that I need to tell him what has happened in the past?'' Well The alternative is to NOT tell him and start telling lies,continue the lies........you see what I'm saying. We've all lied in the past and it corrupts us, I would say to anyone don't do it.

If you're feeling guilt and hurt,probably a good reason for it and I would say you need to get right with God through prayer. You can't change what you've done but you can take council with God to guide you in the future. He gives grace out plentifully to those who follow him.

Best of luck.

It's Just me · May 25, 2019

Lost4words said:
You say your current boyfriend has helped you get back to your faith. Do you think that maybe God put you together so that you can convert him to christianity? Have you broached the subject with him?

I have been thinking this for some time now, I think that might be part of it, that God really did put him in my life for a reason... one that benefits both of us. I don't know if this is true, as I haven't seen anything happening in him... yet anyway, there is hope, but I cant dwell on it forever.

(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ) · May 25, 2019

It's Just me said:
I have been thinking this for some time now, I think that might be part of it, that God really did put him in my life for a reason... one that benefits both of us. I don't know if this is true, as I haven't seen anything happening in him... yet anyway, there is hope, but I cant dwell on it forever.

Everyone is placed on our lives for a reason.

Gottservant · May 30, 2019

Virgins have better children (if they want them).

It's hard to wait for Heaven though... that's true.

Just don't get stuck halfway! It could be Hell!!

johnbastion · Dec 26, 2019

Here's the honest answer:
The biblical pattern does not permit men and women hanging around alone. It's not there in the entire Bible.

When coming to marriage take advice from elders, pastors, godly elder folk. Let God make the way for marriage - not your lusts.
In fact, when considering someone brought about by channels described above - pray that if it is not God's will to have the whole proposal foiled.

johnbastion · Dec 26, 2019

No more excuses. Find out what is God's will on how to approach the matter of marriage and do it.
You need to be 100% honest when talking to a future partner.

Virgin or lack there of... does it matter?

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