Don't Know What to Do But Trust God

Will pray, friend.

Seek ye first the Kingdom of heaven and everything else will be added. If you were to desire a relationship with God like you desire your family....there would be nothing that you could ask for, that would not be given you.

The hard part would be desiring God above all else....and not just to get what you want.

But if there is a will..there is a way....

50% of my instincts say that your wife is having an affair. It sounds like your wife may be having an affair and is no longer interested in you. Find out who it is and expose the affair to those who would be able to influence her, you might have a chance to save your marriage.

When women engage in affairs, their minds turn their husband into monsters to help them justify what they are doing. Not only is she doing this inside her head, she is acting out upon in in court, which also is very common. You also gave her some material to work with, unfortunately.

Forget about the Jezebel stuff. Instead get busy to find out who her affair is with so you can expose it, and hopefully damage it. Do not ask her or make any accusations or else she will just cover it up better. Just quietly investigate.

The other 50% of my instincts say that your repeated threats to leave and repeated poor behavior finally killed her love for you, left her with no hope for her marriage and made her realize you were not a safe partner.

You must NEVER raise your voice or act out in anger EVER again. This is possible. I am a reformed anger monster, and if I can do this, you can too. Take an anger management class to help. Your behaviors allowed the distance to start between you and your wife. This is not an excuse for an affair, but it is a justifiable reason to separate from you. She did give you many chances. The burden is on you to prove your change is lasting and successful. I would personally advise any women to separate from a husband who could not control his anger, and who had manifested it in the ways you have, and to not allow him back home until he had at least a 6 month track record of no anger outbursts.

While you are investigating for an affair --IF YOU HAVE BECOME A SAFE PERSON -- treat her with unfailing kindness. Put on your best behavior as part of a long term strategy of attracting her back. Do what you can to win her back. Take her out to dinner or spend time with her in any ways she will let you. Also, do nice, thoughtful acts of service for her. Such as shovel her driveway or mow her lawn if she will let you. Ask her if you can pick up a to-go meal for her dinner that night...etc etc Let her family and advisors know you love her, and will fight to get her back. Prove to them that you are a safe husband (or at least a safe dad) in any way you can.

Do not do any of the above paragraph if you have not become a safe person. If you do that without being a safe person you are being unconscionably cruel.

Also, in the meantime, hire the meanest bull dog of an attorney and fight hard for your son. When she sees you are not going to roll over and give her a freeway of ease to her new life, she may start having second thoughts.

Glad to be helpful, sorry about the circumstances though.

AVowToCherish said:

More mention has been made about my supposed affairs in court documents and proceedings than anything relating to my angry outbursts. There is no possible excuse to give for my outbursts, but it seems that any and all attention shifted to the supposed affairs when the angry outbursts caused the separation in the first place.

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So this strongly points to her having an affair. You need to expose this affair to her advisors and ask them to influence her back to your marriage. First you need to find out who it is and have enough proof that would convince a reasonable and prudent person that it is true.

AVowToCherish said:

I have an order against me. I suspect I know who it might be, but it's a dangerous thing for me to do.

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You could hire a private investigator if you can't do this yourself. They can usually find out who it is very quickly. Regardless of your financial means, it is critical you spend the money here asap to find out who it is.

AVowToCherish said:

There are a lot of demands at the moment from her asking me do this and to do that. A lot of it involves stuff in the house that she needs. For the most part, I cannot bring myself to do it because it feels like a piece of my soul leaves with every item she wants.

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How is she able to communicate these things with the order in place? Also, when you do them are you having any contact with her?

Does the order forbid you to write letters or send flowers? Can you send cards or little gifts to your son?

You'll need to be proactive to find ways to prove your devotion to her (and her advisors) that do not violate the order.

AVowToCherish said:

I long to spend time with her. I long to date her again. I long to sit down with her and just talk. It doesn't even have to be about our situation. Just talking to her like we used to would mean the world to me, and would perhaps, in some way, soften her heart for me again and allow her to see the change in me as a person.

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Can you send her nice texts or emails? A comment about something that reminded you of her? Or just things to engage her in a few sentences of an exchange? Or that you are missing her, etc.

In addition to your prayers, you'll have to fight for her back.

Unfortunately you could write a book about all the ways you invited her to exit your marriage, but I hope and pray Volume II is in your future to describe all the ways you won her back.

You are very welcome, AVow.

AVowToCherish said:

At the moment, I do get to spend a considerable amount of time with our son over weekends, but it is far away (roughly 5 hours' drive one way), hence why I can't do the personal things easily.

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To save your marriage, you'll have to think outside of all boxes.

I suppose your job would not allow you to temporarily relocate to her location? Would you be able to work from home? Alternatively, you could come up the night before and stay in an airbnb or other lodging for the full weekend?

AVowToCherish said:

Our first few times of seeing each other .... we got on like a house on fire. It was like we were back to being where we were. Much laughter was enjoyed, and we spent a lot of time reminiscing about our marriage.

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...and then this...

AVowToCherish said:

and her whole attitude towards me that weekend had changed as well. No longer chatty. No longer warm and receptive. Stone cold and by the book. The following Tuesday is when she reiterated her wish to divorce.

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points very much to her being torn about her affair. This is very common. You need to make hay whenever the sun shines and power through the other times. Expect (hope and pray for) ups ...but as long as she in in her affair, they will be followed by downs.

You really need to put 100% of your shoulder behind finding her affair partner and breaking up the affair. The longer the affair is entrenched the harder it is to break. Once you find out who her affair partner is, I can help you with a strategy to expose that will cause the most damage possible in affairland.

AVowToCherish said:

I have received a number of texts since, of which none relate to our son. I have taken the stance to ignore them as my text about our son was ignored.

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And that is a SERIOUS mistake. You need to take every opportunity to press your suit. Do you think ignoring her and showing her that your affection is unreliable, blowing where the wind lists, is a way to win her back? That's the old you that you are trying to prove is not the new you. If you want her back, you need to pursue her without missing any opportunity.

It is difficult, emotionally, in this situation. Some men need antidepressants during this phase of winning their wives back so they can act rationally, according to a plan to win their wives back, instead of emotionally.

AVowToCherish said:

To an outsider, it may seem childish, but I am not willing to be taken for a fool down a one-way street that only suits her. Fair is fair. Legally, communication regarding our son has to at least be acknowledged, which it wasn't.

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By all means, engage in a STIFF legal fight to maintain 50% of all rights and custody of your son.

However, let your attorneys handle all of that with her attorneys. Don't discuss any legal issues with her. Tell her that you only want to talk about marriage and your future together; if she wants to talk divorce she needs to talk to your attorney. In your personal interactions you need to stay focused on your plan: win her back.

Once a person has royally screwed up, maybe especially men, they can possess nearly unlimited capacity to try to "fix" the situation, especially if they believe they have a hope of "solving" the problem.

In the back of my mind I have thought,"I can fix this" right up to the point where it is made clear to me that I cannot. At that point despair kicks in as I come to terms with the fact that I will not be able to avoid the reaping of what I've sown.

I hope you can resolve this and keep your marriage. I want that outcome for you. I believe you should do as you are doing, strive to try to save it. But also prepare your mind and heart for the possibility that you will fail.
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight."

I would not write another confession. I would accept her desire for a divorce. I would then continue working on myself and working up a case for getting more hours with my son.

Divorce is always ugly and not what God wants. However, God did divorce Israel for a time and when they cried out to Him and followed Him again, He rescued them - time and time again. Yes, God gets angry and gets "fed up", but He never allows the sun to set on His anger. He's forgiving and merciful and just in all His ways. He's loving where we are most undeserving. Don't fight evil with evil, but with love, just as God has done with all of us on the cross. He died for our sake and giving us Hope by rising again - where we become a new creation in Christ Jesus.

Do you see the similarities here? Do you see the mirror effect we are to be? I'm not saying at all that it's easy. It is MOST difficult because we still fight our flesh every day to allow the Spirit to live through us. God is the only One Who can help you. We, the Christian brothers and sisters, are here with you every step of the way because of the Spirit - but we have to be of the Spirit to uplift and encourage you. May God be with you and guide you

AVowToCherish said:

"Wow" is all I can say! Your response has hit home in so many ways. Thank you for that.

I have done my best to respond to your reply above in red.

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I gotta agree that your wife cheated. I'm not going to say it's your fault, but between flirting with coworkers and trying to arrange a threesome....you've clearly got your own transgressions.

I don't think for a minute that she took the risk of getting caught with another man in your home...just to have tea. They spent a lot of time sexting each other before the incident.....she had him over while you were out....she definitely cheated. She probably admitted to having him over to gauge your response, and when you didn't take it well, she stopped short of confessing. You're probably still too in love with her to see it, and it will take a lot of time apart before you realize it.

She wants a confession of you cheating so she doesn't have to feel guilty. If you provide this, she can justify her actions in her mind and leave guilt-free. She wants out of the relationship but doesn't want to be the "bad guy"....especially in the eyes of friends and family.

If I were you I'd tell her she can get a full confession from you once you get one from her....including everything that happened the times she had this guy over to your house. Tell her you aren't an idiot, you know what happened, but you want all the details from her.

It seems like you've been pretty forthcoming about your transgressions....she should do the same. I don't think you should give her anything else till then....as she's already shown she's just going to use it against you.

AVowToCherish said:

Thank you for this, Raymond. It definitely puts things into perspective, but surely in this instance I want the same thing that God wants: reconciliation. I don't believe that it is God's will to let us divorce. I don't think that is ever God's will in any marriage.

Yeah, I may have a shorter timeline in mind than what God might have, but when I pray over our marriage, I know that God is in agreement for what I am praying for.

Or am I being naive?

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Do you believe that God desires for you to reconcile with your wife first or above reconciliation with him? Should we make peace with our brides before becoming the brides of Christ? Is forsaking all others, no longer required?

There are ways that seems right unto man.....

Seek first the kingdom......everything else will be added....... Seek first everything else.....and you will be seeking forever.....