I listen too much

curty

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I want this somewhere it can be seen by everyone, not just Christians or married people because it's about communication and applies to any relationship. Since the most significant relationship is with my wife here it is.
I listen too much.
Listening is a skill that I'm incredibly good at but I happen to be rather poor when it comes to talking.
I'm particularly sensitive and when it comes to conflict I just can't win. I bring my concerns to someone and they have this incredible array of weapons and just seem to know what to say and how to say it to get me to concede ground and do what they want. Guilt, fear, shame, bribery you name it. It's so very effective every time and I tend not to notice they're doing it until I look back later.
I think it boils down to this: when someone's talking I listen no matter what they have to say because that's what I'd want them to do for me.
Even when what they're saying is unfair or i know it to be incorrect I listen. I want to know what they think and why. How did they come to this understanding? How can it be corrected?
Sometimes I know they're speaking out of fear or insecurity. I think I'm very good at seeing and grasping what led them to think and feel what they do. Sometimes I know exactly the reason and often it's deeply ingrained mindsets stemming from hurts that could take decades to heal.
Although I initiated the conversation and have plenty to say some people effortlessly turn it around and make it about them. I wait for my turn and expect them to listen to me just the same when my turn comes. Often it doesn't. They tell me why it's so hard for them to give me what I want and I feel for them and offer to help. Often the result is I still don't get what I want but take up even more burden onto myself. I end up worse off than if I'd never said anything.
Is this what Jesus would do? Is it sustainable?
 

SkyWriting

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I want this somewhere it can be seen by everyone, not just Christians or married people because it's about communication and applies to any relationship. Since the most significant relationship is with my wife here it is.I listen too much.Listening is a skill that I'm incredibly good at but I happen to be rather poor when it comes to talking..... Often the result is I still don't get what I want but take up even more burden onto myself. I end up worse off than if I'd never said anything.Is this what Jesus would do? Is it sustainable?


Ah, a moral dilemma story!

1 Thessalonians 4:11
And to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you,

James 1:19
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

Exodus 14:14
The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

Proverbs 17:28
Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.

Psalm 46:10
“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

Proverbs 11:12
Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent.

Proverbs 10:19
When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.

Proverbs 18:13
If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

Psalm 37:7
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!

Psalm 4:4
Be angry, and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah

1 Peter 3:3-4
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

Psalm 35:20
For they do not speak peace, but against those who are quiet in the land they devise words of deceit.

1 Thessalonians 4:11-12
And to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one.

Job 6:24
“Teach me, and I will be silent; make me understand how I have gone astray.

1 Peter 3:4
But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

Lamentations 3:26
It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Proverbs 10:8
The wise of heart will receive commandments, but a babbling fool will come to ruin.

Romans 12:2
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Proverbs 13:3
Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.

Isaiah 30:15
For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” But you were unwilling,

James 3:1-18
Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness. For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! ...

Amos 5:13
Therefore he who is prudent will keep silent in such a time, for it is an evil time.

1 Timothy 2:2
For kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way.

Ecclesiastes 3:7
A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

Luke 5:16
But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray.

1 Peter 3:15
But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect,

1 Chronicles 16:11
Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!

Ecclesiastes 9:17
The words of the wise heard in quiet are better than the shouting of a ruler among fools.

Matthew 5:5
“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

https://www.openbible.info/topics/being_quiet
 
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Halbhh

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I wait for my turn and expect them to listen to me just the same when my turn comes.

I know the feeling! I used to do that, and I would wonder -- don't they ever listen to another person?

Now I do a different thing, sometimes it works and sometimes not. With friends/acquaintances I try to jump right in as if they were expecting a 2-way conversation. I have managed to do this pretty well with friends, over time, though at first it feels like I'm interrupting -- as if not willing to let them talk -- even though they've been talking for 5 or 8 (or 25) minutes like a monologue.

:)

Now, in a marriage at times it can be different, of course. An old issue can come up, and then it's Not so easy. Then we don't have so much success, but it's more like -- ok, you're talking today, and maybe tomorrow I can speak up and say something. Ha ha, not really that bad, but often enough it's more like you're talking now, and I've learned I best just wait until another time, later today perhaps, and then I could talk, because it can be it's that sensitive to the person, that need to talk and 'be heard' (as if we might not hear them, you or me, the ultra listener), and it can be like any other viewpoint can make them feel (this kind of person feeling this way) like the real problem they are trying to communicate isn't understood/heard, so that's an emotional thing, not about now usually, and what they are really after is healing, often, so it's really a multi-year or a multi-decade communication in a crucial way (of an old hurt) . In which case, it's truly more important than what I have to say at the moment (that kind of thing)....

If you can get it when (and it can be often during a given day) your wife is talking about when she was 4 years old, or 7 -- even when she doesn't know it -- that's a crucial insight, to notice when that's happening, so that you can do the ultra-listening, and help heal that old wound some.
 
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Halbhh

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I want this somewhere it can be seen by everyone, not just Christians or married people because it's about communication and applies to any relationship. Since the most significant relationship is with my wife here it is.
I listen too much.
Listening is a skill that I'm incredibly good at but I happen to be rather poor when it comes to talking.
I'm particularly sensitive and when it comes to conflict I just can't win. I bring my concerns to someone and they have this incredible array of weapons and just seem to know what to say and how to say it to get me to concede ground and do what they want. Guilt, fear, shame, bribery you name it. It's so very effective every time and I tend not to notice they're doing it until I look back later.
I think it boils down to this: when someone's talking I listen no matter what they have to say because that's what I'd want them to do for me.
Even when what they're saying is unfair or i know it to be incorrect I listen. I want to know what they think and why. How did they come to this understanding? How can it be corrected?
Sometimes I know they're speaking out of fear or insecurity. I think I'm very good at seeing and grasping what led them to think and feel what they do. Sometimes I know exactly the reason and often it's deeply ingrained mindsets stemming from hurts that could take decades to heal.
Although I initiated the conversation and have plenty to say some people effortlessly turn it around and make it about them. I wait for my turn and expect them to listen to me just the same when my turn comes. Often it doesn't. They tell me why it's so hard for them to give me what I want and I feel for them and offer to help. Often the result is I still don't get what I want but take up even more burden onto myself. I end up worse off than if I'd never said anything.
Is this what Jesus would do? Is it sustainable?

Following up on that last -- about listening so well it helps heal their hurt -- I think this is an amazing ability, if one can do it. It's so crucial to realize you are potentially going to be able to help heal (some) an old wound that has possessed and harmed this person for 25 or 40 years! (and to heal it more, pray)

That's big.

It's like...moving, or having a baby. It's not a small thing.

So, if we can find it in us to help heal their wound, even while we bleed ourselves, that's a huge act of love we could do, following Christ, who told us "take up your cross and follow me".

Now, one thing that makes it vastly easier -- that I seek God, and love God, and because I seek God with all of my being, and love God with all I have, already ongoing, then I have how He loves me because my heart is open to Him. Then, I'm much better able to listen to someone that hasn't heard me yet, and just listen to them, because they need it so badly, with that old wound that has plagued them for 25 years or 40. I can be all about loving and helping heal them, because I've already got the ultimate love flowing to me already.
 
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akmom

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Perhaps you will notice a pattern, at least with individuals, when you think back on how the conversation went. Think about when you could have interjected, and what you might have said if you'd had time to pause and ponder it. You may find a pattern in how they go about turning around a conversation, and you can use that to plan when you'll interject - and perhaps have a generic response prepared to get things started.

For example, you could rather politely interject by rephrasing what they said back to them. This is not usually perceived as an interruption, but rather as a way of showing you are listening and understanding them, and to validate what they just said. It also gives you an "in" if you have something to say. Simply follow your "summary of what they said" with your rebuttal. It takes practice.

Watch how others around you establish their turn in a conversation. If you plan to initiate the conversation in the first place, maybe bring someone along to help you redirect when the other person takes over. Hope it helps. I am trying to teach my children the opposite habits right now - to listen and not interject so much!
 
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