struggling with marriage (insecurity, jealousy)

chainsaw1 · Jul 30, 2018

Update, after one week

My wife has been holding me in contempt all week, she has been distant and not wanting to meet my needs or marital needs. So she started an argument yesterday and once again I was sleeping on the couch. We haven't made it one week without an argument that doesn't turn into fighting. She reminded me of her feelings of her being miserable, and in pain, and how I let her down. I mean what does she expect me to do? I am really struggling to stay in this marriage. I met with counselor last week and it was just intake questions not really getting into anything. I feel rejected by my wife, and when I tell how I feel she just counters with how she feels. She says they way she treats me is the effect of how I treated her. So the arguments end as to whos feelings matter more. I am lost of how to even respond to her, she hurt my feelings and yet when I tell her that, she says "well what about my feelings" how do you respond to something so confusing as that. I really just want to give up

Karin12414 · Jul 30, 2018

chainsaw1 said:
Update, after one week

My wife has been holding me in contempt all week, she has been distant and not wanting to meet my needs or marital needs. So she started an argument yesterday and once again I was sleeping on the couch. We haven't made it one week without an argument that doesn't turn into fighting. She reminded me of her feelings of her being miserable, and in pain, and how I let her down. I mean what does she expect me to do? I am really struggling to stay in this marriage. I met with counselor last week and it was just intake questions not really getting into anything. I feel rejected by my wife, and when I tell how I feel she just counters with how she feels. She says they way she treats me is the effect of how I treated her. So the arguments end as to whos feelings matter more. I am lost of how to even respond to her, she hurt my feelings and yet when I tell her that, she says "well what about my feelings" how do you respond to something so confusing as that. I really just want to give up

Maybe it's time to reevaluate things man. If she is really "miserable" and "in pain", then just go to her and ask flat out "Do you want to end this marriage" and see what she does. It isn't going to work if only one party is actually trying, so just ask her. If she tries to turn it on you and pick a fight, just leave dude. You tell her you'll give her space to consider the question and just leave. No better way to shock some reality into someone.

But this is the most important part, if you end up leaving, DO NOT RESPOND TO HER! Better yet, just leave your phone at home so she has no way to text/call you, because she will! And she will do it while angry, so you do not want to deal with that. Give it a day with no contact so she has plenty of time to calm down and actually contemplate the question, and YOU need to contemplate it as well. You say you love her and you have put forth the effort to make it work but nothing is moving. So think about it.

I do not what to suggest divorce at all! But I don't think you should stay together if BOTH parts are unwilling to try, and I think that is where a SPECIALIZED counselor would come in handy.

Anger has no place in love, so you shouldn't try to make decisions of love while angry.

I haven't received mine yet, but this book is supposed to be a good help towards fixing your marriage. Maybe look into it, if you are interested.

https://ssl.clickbank.net/order/ord...=1&corid=1e1d2508-2264-4e2e-b1e1-270066ca11ff

chainsaw1 · Jul 30, 2018

thanks

Karin12414 said:
Maybe it's time to reevaluate things man. If she is really "miserable" and "in pain", then just go to her and ask flat out "Do you want to end this marriage" and see what she does. It isn't going to work if only one party is actually trying, so just ask her. If she tries to turn it on you and pick a fight, just leave dude. You tell her you'll give her space to consider the question and just leave. No better way to shock some reality into someone.

But this is the most important part, if you end up leaving, DO NOT RESPOND TO HER! Better yet, just leave your phone at home so she has no way to text/call you, because she will! And she will do it while angry, so you do not want to deal with that. Give it a day with no contact so she has plenty of time to calm down and actually contemplate the question, and YOU need to contemplate it as well. You say you love her and you have put forth the effort to make it work but nothing is moving. So think about it.

I do not what to suggest divorce at all! But I don't think you should stay together if BOTH parts are unwilling to try, and I think that is where a SPECIALIZED counselor would come in handy.

Anger has no place in love, so you shouldn't try to make decisions of love while angry.

I haven't received mine yet, but this book is supposed to be a good help towards fixing your marriage. Maybe look into it, if you are interested.

https://ssl.clickbank.net/order/ord...=1&corid=1e1d2508-2264-4e2e-b1e1-270066ca11ff

Thanks maybe I will check that book out. I have already mentioned divorce many times, all it does is make her defensive. I told I cannot live with her knowing that I cause her all this pain and misery, I live in non stop guilt. She says I just need to try harder, she doesn't want a divorce, she says she loves me, and that I need to try harder and that her needs aren't being met. I feel she directs all the problems to me being the cause, its too much pressure

Karin12414 · Jul 30, 2018

chainsaw1 said:
thanks

Thanks maybe I will check that book out. I have already mentioned divorce many times, all it does is make her defensive. I told I cannot live with her knowing that I cause her all this pain and misery, I live in non stop guilt. She says I just need to try harder, she doesn't want a divorce, she says she loves me, and that I need to try harder and that her needs aren't being met. I feel she directs all the problems to me being the cause, its too much pressure

My husband did that to me, still does sometimes. But when it got really bad I did exactly what I suggested to you. I left and spent the night at a friends house. When he finally stopped texting me was when I finally went back home. We sat down and I let him say everything he wanted to say, then I spoke, anytime he would cut me off to talk I would remind him that I let him speak and it's my turn. If he wouldn't stop, I left. Went for a slow walk around the block then came back to talk. A few times and he finally listened.

I don't know what the situation is, but if you want to gain some control in order to get your side out uninterrupted, then you need to play a little aggressively for it. I hate to compare a marriage to a game, but there's no better analogy I can think of. You just need to know how to play the game to your advantage so you can suggest counseling or any other option without being faced with all the blame on you.

She needs to see that she is just as much at fault as you because she is holding on to something, and you can't move forward until you know what it is so you can either change it, or make her realize that whatever is bothering her has been over with for a while now and she needs to LET GO OF IT.

chainsaw1 · Jul 30, 2018

Karin12414 said:
My husband did that to me, still does sometimes. But when it got really bad I did exactly what I suggested to you. I left and spent the night at a friends house. When he finally stopped texting me was when I finally went back home. We sat down and I let him say everything he wanted to say, then I spoke, anytime he would cut me off to talk I would remind him that I let him speak and it's my turn. If he wouldn't stop, I left. Went for a slow walk around the block then came back to talk. A few times and he finally listened.

I don't know what the situation is, but if you want to gain some control in order to get your side out uninterrupted, then you need to play a little aggressively for it. I hate to compare a marriage to a game, but there's no better analogy I can think of. You just need to know how to play the game to your advantage so you can suggest counseling or any other option without being faced with all the blame on you.

She needs to see that she is just as much at fault as you because she is holding on to something, and you can't move forward until you know what it is so you can either change it, or make her realize that whatever is bothering her has been over with for a while now and she needs to LET GO OF IT.

according to her it is all me, and she is not at fault and atleast can admit that neither one of us are meeting each others needs. I really just want to call it quits, this has been going on too long. At what point do you divorce, I feel like the marriage is all wrong after only being married less than 2 years. If I was 100% the problem I still wouldn't want to be married because then I have to live in shame every day that I incompetent. I am hoping a counselor can help, but I feel hopeless at this point, we already went through a year of counseling and it didn't work so we switched counselors. It just feels like it shouldn't be this hard.

chainsaw1 · Jul 30, 2018

I have been really praying and reading this past week for a breakthrough, or atleast for the holy spirit to meet my needs because this is so distressing, despair.

All this past week I tried to put my needs aside, put her needs first, I did most of the house work this week, just did what she wanted, but she kept saying I looked like I am anxious or stressed. Then sunday I come home tired from work and withdraw and it kicks off the fighting. Like I cant live this way I am stressed to be perfect and scared to make any mistake for fear of fighting

Karin12414 · Jul 30, 2018

chainsaw1 said:
I really just want to call it quits, this has been going on too long. At what point do you divorce, I feel like the marriage is all wrong after only being married less than 2 years.

There is nothing wrong with that. If you have tried everything and there is no give on her side, then just let go.

mama2one · Jul 30, 2018

chainsaw1 said:
we have been married a year and a half.

because life with me and my 3 children is hard

you two have been married for such a short time
how were things before you two married?

how old are your children?

could part of her complaining be bcause she is overwhelmed?
a whole family is a lot to take at once/get adjusted to

sorry, the first counsellor was not able to help
are you two going to the second counsellor together?

are you able to have any fun family times all together?

tall73 · Jul 31, 2018

chainsaw1 said:
I told I cannot live with her knowing that I cause her all this pain and misery, I live in non stop guilt. She says I just need to try harder, she doesn't want a divorce, she says she loves me, and that I need to try harder and that her needs aren't being met.

You need to find some objectivity. It is hard to do in marriage because we are so close to the person and the situation. Praying can help with that though, as God can correct your thoughts.

The question is--are you actually doing anything wrong that is causing this "pain"? What did you do that hurt her?

If you have legitimately been committing sinful actions that betray her trust or hurt her, or being completely selfish, then she has reason to be raising the issue. And if so, you can repent and move forward.

If you are not doing anything that is sinful or betraying her, then you need to honestly evaluate that as well. Criticism only needs to be taken to heart if it is true.

We all strive to meet the needs of our spouse. But it sounds like you are trying to spend time with her, trying to work on things, etc. Does she have a legitimate critique of you as a husband, or is it this just all "I want happiness, and don't have it".

So far it is hard to see in this thread what you are addressing, because it is either described in a vague manner, or is based on insecurities rather than reality.

If you could, list 10 things you think your spouse would say you are doing to hurt her. That may help us to understand more what is going on.

In the meantime ask God to do what David references, search my heart, and try me to see if there be any sinful thing in me. The Spirit will convict you of sin, even sins you had not realized.

But if it is not an issue of sin, and you are trying to work on your marriage, then you need to get perspective and dismiss all of these doubts. It is possible for your spouse to feel empty in life and it have nothing to do with anything you are doing to her. She has to have peace with her own self and her part of the marriage as well, and that is not all up to you. And she has to have peace with God, though you have expressed you are not sure where she is at with that.

chainsaw1 · Aug 4, 2018

tall73 said:
You need to find some objectivity. It is hard to do in marriage because we are so close to the person and the situation. Praying can help with that though, as God can correct your thoughts.

The question is--are you actually doing anything wrong that is causing this "pain"? What did you do that hurt her?

If you have legitimately been committing sinful actions that betray her trust or hurt her, or being completely selfish, then she has reason to be raising the issue. And if so, you can repent and move forward.

If you are not doing anything that is sinful or betraying her, then you need to honestly evaluate that as well. Criticism only needs to be taken to heart if it is true.

We all strive to meet the needs of our spouse. But it sounds like you are trying to spend time with her, trying to work on things, etc. Does she have a legitimate critique of you as a husband, or is it this just all "I want happiness, and don't have it".

So far it is hard to see in this thread what you are addressing, because it is either described in a vague manner, or is based on insecurities rather than reality.

If you could, list 10 things you think your spouse would say you are doing to hurt her. That may help us to understand more what is going on.

In the meantime ask God to do what David references, search my heart, and try me to see if there be any sinful thing in me. The Spirit will convict you of sin, even sins you had not realized.

But if it is not an issue of sin, and you are trying to work on your marriage, then you need to get perspective and dismiss all of these doubts. It is possible for your spouse to feel empty in life and it have nothing to do with anything you are doing to her. She has to have peace with her own self and her part of the marriage as well, and that is not all up to you. And she has to have peace with God, though you have expressed you are not sure where she is at with that.

I guess I just really need encouragement, because I am finding little joy in marriage. It's just so hard and I am having hard time with negative thoughts towards her. I know it's hard to explain, and that's why we are seeking a counselor. I just don't feel she will ever meet my needs, I know God is supposed to meet your needs, but I just doesn't have the same desire as she used to, and she is upset and distant a lot more. And she blames me for that. My anger is what I do the worst, I get mad alot, but I get mad over not getting my needs met.

Just need encouragement. We have 4 kids in a blended family, and totally shocked this week she tells me she is pregnant and now I feel so overwhelmed, we were just talking divorce and now we are going to have a child. It so hard to stay positive for me

chainsaw1 · Aug 4, 2018

christine40 said:
you two have been married for such a short time
how were things before you two married?

how old are your children?

could part of her complaining be bcause she is overwhelmed?
a whole family is a lot to take at once/get adjusted to

sorry, the first counsellor was not able to help
are you two going to the second counsellor together?

are you able to have any fun family times all together?

Children are 14, 12, 12, 10, and now one on the way. We have had good times and good family times, but there is alot of conflict and inside I feel like that's all this marriage is, just a good time. Like she is only here because of what I've provided. Kids stress her out especially since I have custody of 3. Whether she is overwhelmed or stressed, she has pulled away from me, and that hurts, and I feel like I have to win that back, which makes me feel like she never loved me in the 1st place.

chainsaw1 · Aug 4, 2018

I am seeing a Christian counselor, her advice this week was basically telling me that I committed to this woman, so I have to accept hard times, even if she won't or can't meet my needs.

Dan61861 · Aug 8, 2018

Sometimes getting back to the basics is what a man really needs. Seeing reality for what reality is. Go to a mirror, look at the man looking back at you. Start listing your sins, be honest with yourself. You'll never be able to list them all, we have all sinned that much.

Look at yourself and say, Christ has died for me, each sin is forgiven. Because of His love for me.

Then look at yourself and say, I am to love my wife the way Christ has loved me.

To be honest, your anger...which you fullish admit will cause your wife, your children to become withdrawn. The first relationship you should repair is your relationship with Christ. Divorce is not an option, it is off the table.

Forget about (me), listen to your wife. Address her concerns. Read the Lord's word everyday privately, with your wife and your family. Pray each day, let God change you.

In Christ
Daniel

johndoo · Aug 9, 2018

I'm not sure that the Christian counselor you met is your best fit.
From what you have written, you may be depressed.
A counselor that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy and a doctor who would consider your need for medication for depression is what I think you should be looking for next.

Tropical Wilds · Aug 9, 2018

I’m sorry, but when was the last time you saw a doctor? As somebody who deals with depression and anxiety, the thoughts you struggle with sound exactly like what comes with depression and anxiety. Counseling is great, but if those are the underlying issues then they will continue to be the underlying issues until they are treated.

As somebody who is also on her second marriage who shares custody of children from her spouse’s first marriage, I toooooootally get how hard it is to find your footing in a blended family. Those first few years can be rough. Are there coparenting conflicts that add to the pressure? Even small ones can escalate issues with feeling like not being a priority.

But the first stop should be at the doctors to get help for depression and anxiety. She may also have issues with both, but with a baby on the way her options for treatment are more limited.

DZoolander · Aug 10, 2018

The fact that you're so new in the marriage is what's kinda striking to me. I don't mean that in the "You ought be in your honeymoon phase" way - but rather that I wonder about what other people go through when it comes to the adjustment phase.

I've also been married twice. My first marriage crashed and burned within the first 18 months - even though we had been together for over 6 years beforehand. There were lots of reasons why I broke up with her/divorced her - but I've always had in the back of my head that "for some people - marriage becoming 'real' with all of it's obligations and commitments - must cause more stress than for others." In a sense, "dating" is kind of like play-acting - but the reality of marriage changes things and some people don't know what to do with it.

I've always kinda felt like that was one of the core issues in my first marriage. Things went along swimmingly until we got married - but then she kinda didn't know what to do with it once the relationship took that step. Her parents really didn't have a good marriage (so she didn't really have a good example there) - and a lot of our arguments revolved around "I thought this was going to be like this and that, but it's not."

For example, she was Asian, and her family was traditionally Asian. Her dad kinda ruled the roost, didn't really respect her mom's point of view on things, etc. Her mom had affairs, and ran around doing her own thing while the father was away doing business/etc. One of our arguments around "expectations" was that she thought I was going to be more like her dad - and didn't know what to do with the fact that I wasn't (that I hadn't turned into him once we got married.)

My point of view was "Do you want everything that comes along with that? Do you want me discounting your opinion? Do you want that kind of relationship, because that's not what I've given you for the past 6 years."

Marriage does bring with it a lot of baggage with respect to expectations and beliefs about what it's going to be - and when it's not quite that - I think for some people adapting is difficult. I do wonder what percent of marriages end because of that type of thing (or what percent just go through having a miserable time of it instead of divorcing)?

The fact everything turned into a crapshow within such a short period of time does kinda make me wonder about that. I've been married to my second wife for about 12 years now - and to be honest - I can't imagine things evolving in such dramatic directions in such a short period of time. There are ebbs and flows in any relationship - but I think in a healthy relationship the swings move at far more glacial rates.

chainsaw1 · Sep 2, 2018

Its been awhile but I need to update.

Yesterday my wife who is 2 months pregnant packed up all her things, and furniture and moved out, after leaving the house 4 days prior. She threw wedding photos in the trash. She hasn't spoken to me. I tried talking to here and she yelled at me. I sent messages to try and resolve and she didn't respond. I asked her if we are getting a divorce she didn't respond. She has said nothing just left and took all her things...

I spoke with our new counselor and she told me not to give up on my wife, that we need to separate and work on the marriage. But I have no clue if that is my wife intention or if I should be holding on to false hope. Or should I just wash my hands of it because I am so hurt? Am I supposed to divorce her, she hasn't said anything. please help, hope for my marriage seems lost

DZoolander · Sep 3, 2018

chainsaw1 said:
Its been awhile but I need to update.

Yesterday my wife who is 2 months pregnant packed up all her things, and furniture and moved out, after leaving the house 4 days prior. She threw wedding photos in the trash. She hasn't spoken to me. I tried talking to here and she yelled at me. I sent messages to try and resolve and she didn't respond. I asked her if we are getting a divorce she didn't respond. She has said nothing just left and took all her things...

I spoke with our new counselor and she told me not to give up on my wife, that we need to separate and work on the marriage. But I have no clue if that is my wife intention or if I should be holding on to false hope. Or should I just wash my hands of it because I am so hurt? Am I supposed to divorce her, she hasn't said anything. please help, hope for my marriage seems lost

A few days isn't enough to judge your situation by, as bad as it may feel right now.

Let a few months pass by and see how things feel. Maybe re-assess at the new year based upon what happens.

chainsaw1 · Sep 3, 2018

DZoolander said:
A few days isn't enough to judge your situation by, as bad as it may feel right now.

Let a few months pass by and see how things feel. Maybe re-assess at the new year based upon what happens.

Thanks, I feel like I should be protecting myself. I mean she took a lot of house hold items, but she hasn't taken any money. My whole family is against her. My prayer right now is that Gods will be done, and I am struggling trusting in his goodness and sovereignty in this situation. I don't know if I should hold onto hope for my wife to comeback and marriage working. It all seems like a disaster and a strange way I want to say God wants this divorce because of how bad it is. But Gods word says he hates divorce.

DZoolander · Sep 3, 2018

chainsaw1 said:
Thanks, I feel like I should be protecting myself. I mean she took a lot of house hold items, but she hasn't taken any money. My whole family is against her. My prayer right now is that Gods will be done, and I am struggling trusting in his goodness and sovereignty in this situation. I don't know if I should hold onto hope for my wife to comeback and marriage working. It all seems like a disaster and a strange way I want to say God wants this divorce because of how bad it is. But Gods word says he hates divorce.

I've been through a divorce - and here's my best advice/thought for you right now.

What you're experiencing right now is a far cry from where you'll need to be to make any kind of informed and/or good decision eventually. When I think about the DAY that I kicked my wife out and said we were through - and where my mind was months and months later - it's not even comparable. What's happening right now is simply too fresh for you to be able to look at it from an informed and good position.

Divorce very well may be where you end up. But you're going to likely go through ebbs and flows of feeling as this progresses. What might seem clear to you in this moment might not be what you're feeling in a month or so when loneliness and the quiet sets in. If she reaches out to you it will only complicate things. You will likely vacillate.

Time is your friend in this. It will help clear your head and it will SHOW you the reality of the situation and make you resolved in whatever you decide to do. If she doesn't show back up - and the new year rolls around - then you'll be more at peace with things and will have adjusted to the "new normal". If she does, it will give you the evidence you need to make a decision based upon that.

Unlike what is kind of expected to say here, I'm not going to say that divorce is the worst thing to happen. In fact, I would say that mine was one of the best things I've ever done. But I did go through that "time" thing to make sure that I was confident in my decision. A few days into it - you're not at that place yet...so any decision you would make now will only cause you angst in the upcoming months IMHO. Take it as it goes.

And revisit the idea in a few months - like I said - maybe at the start of the new year. There's no rush.

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