Suzanne Larsen
Member
hi I am anonymous. Let’s just say the past 10 years have been hell on earth. Son passed away at 3 months old, husband and I had 2 more kids, he cheated, ended in divorce and constant conflict re custody since then. 4 dwi’s and never drank until I lost my son. My children are 6 and 9 now and the custody feud has given me literally ptsd from family court, anxiety and panic attacks resulting in taking medication to treat depression, anxiety, panic and adhd. I am a pastors child. I grew up and my dad had always supported me through everything and always caught me when I would fall! My life has been a mess! I went to sign my kids up for childcare on the computer and I don’t know why I clicked on the history but I did and a slew of inappropriate content websites came up. I have been in counseling so I refused to react right away and just think it through and how my approach would be or pretend I didn’t see. I was tanning, my dad walked past me outside and I said, “I saw the websites on the computer” he was very caught off guard but yet shut down. I shut down. I had a moment of clarity and realized that my dad is a human. My dad has always been there for me when I stumbled! My dad has always supported me. I was so numb I couldn’t get angry. I immediately went inside and my dad discussed rid bits with me and he is seeing a leader in the church and seeking counsel however I did say, the less I know the better. Nor do I want to know, gross! But I told my dad let’s take of this and emphasized I am not enabling him by deleting all the history but rather removing supporting him through this and it’s not my business and sometimes I know you don’t tell someone something if it will inflict pain on someone or cause destruction so I am not telling my mom. My dad has been so abnormally nice to me to not rattle my chains because I think he thinks I could get mad and say something. The problem is, I support my dad, I realize people stumble and if anyone judged me about my past, I’d be doomed and have no reason to live! I felt awful and cried that my dad was so ashamed, apologized to me, was broken, told me he’s seeking counsel and I hated my dad felt broken inside bc I know that feeling all too well! I don’t think any less of my dad. It’s because I know the fallen world we live in. I never sought to grow up a failure following the death of my son. I feel so broken and so painstaken because I feel like I am lying to my mom. I hate the position I am in and I am so angry I had to come across that! I feel like if my dad was addressing it than why did god allow it to get exposed to me. I don’t know how to respond anymore when topics of sinning and things involving adultry come up, or when he’s preparing for his sermon and reciting his sermon to my mom and I want to scream on the inside. I made a conscious decision I refuse to tell my mom, and I will only allow my dad to seek counsel for a fellow leader in our church. I have nothing to offer but support to see my dad through this as he would with me. But I am so beside myself, I can hardly look at my dad, I was getting something to drink at like 2am and my dad walked in the kitchen and it made me sick! I told him I forgive him and I do but this is such a hard position to be in and I hate it so much. My life just started getting on track and things really started to turn around and now I have this emotional crisis taking place I am so torn up about bc I hate when he talks and it’s like hypocritical to me and I hate that I’m keeping this secret from my mom but know he has to spare me at times. Not enable me because I got consequences but he spared me. I work in medical so I know when men get older they want to make sure their equipment is still working but when he’s on the computer I want to puke and turn around and not take notice to it, when we’re in public if he has a wandering eye that I feel is a wandering eye, it just infuriates me. I don’t know what to do! I hate this!
hi I am anonymous. Let’s just say the past 10 years have been hell on earth. Son passed away at 3 months old, husband and I had 2 more kids, he cheated, ended in divorce and constant conflict re custody since then. 4 dwi’s and never drank until I lost my son. My children are 6 and 9 now and the custody feud has given me literally ptsd from family court, anxiety and panic attacks resulting in taking medication to treat depression, anxiety, panic and adhd. I am a pastors child. I grew up and my dad had always supported me through everything and always caught me when I would fall! My life has been a mess! I went to sign my kids up for childcare on the computer and I don’t know why I clicked on the history but I did and a slew of inappropriate content websites came up. I have been in counseling so I refused to react right away and just think it through and how my approach would be or pretend I didn’t see. I was tanning, my dad walked past me outside and I said, “I saw the websites on the computer” he was very caught off guard but yet shut down. I shut down. I had a moment of clarity and realized that my dad is a human. My dad has always been there for me when I stumbled! My dad has always supported me. I was so numb I couldn’t get angry. I immediately went inside and my dad discussed rid bits with me and he is seeing a leader in the church and seeking counsel however I did say, the less I know the better. Nor do I want to know, gross! But I told my dad let’s take of this and emphasized I am not enabling him by deleting all the history but rather removing supporting him through this and it’s not my business and sometimes I know you don’t tell someone something if it will inflict pain on someone or cause destruction so I am not telling my mom. My dad has been so abnormally nice to me to not rattle my chains because I think he thinks I could get mad and say something. The problem is, I support my dad, I realize people stumble and if anyone judged me about my past, I’d be doomed and have no reason to live! I felt awful and cried that my dad was so ashamed, apologized to me, was broken, told me he’s seeking counsel and I hated my dad felt broken inside bc I know that feeling all too well! I don’t think any less of my dad. It’s because I know the fallen world we live in. I never sought to grow up a failure following the death of my son. I feel so broken and so painstaken because I feel like I am lying to my mom. I hate the position I am in and I am so angry I had to come across that! I feel like if my dad was addressing it than why did god allow it to get exposed to me. I don’t know how to respond anymore when topics of sinning and things involving adultry come up, or when he’s preparing for his sermon and reciting his sermon to my mom and I want to scream on the inside. I made a conscious decision I refuse to tell my mom, and I will only allow my dad to seek counsel for a fellow leader in our church. I have nothing to offer but support to see my dad through this as he would with me. But I am so beside myself, I can hardly look at my dad, I was getting something to drink at like 2am and my dad walked in the kitchen and it made me sick! I told him I forgive him and I do but this is such a hard position to be in and I hate it so much. My life just started getting on track and things really started to turn around and now I have this emotional crisis taking place I am so torn up about bc I hate when he talks and it’s like hypocritical to me and I hate that I’m keeping this secret from my mom but know he has to spare me at times. Not enable me because I got consequences but he spared me. I work in medical so I know when men get older they want to make sure their equipment is still working but when he’s on the computer I want to puke and turn around and not take notice to it, when we’re in public if he has a wandering eye that I feel is a wandering eye, it just infuriates me. I don’t know what to do! I hate this!
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