anyone have any insight?

except the person had nothing invested in our sons death nor a close death in his own family

Weathering Storms said:

Of course not. If they did have anything at all invested in him, or for that matter invested in studying the Word of God, they would have not pronounced condemnation when God's word says there is NO condemnation.

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The man accused our pastor also and so there was a lot of discussion going on at the time. We knew immediately that he was not speaking the truth of God because he even had details wrong which God would never have done....but that being said, I still have trouble understanding how anyone could be so cold, heartless, and evil as to take a family that is grieving deeply, as well as a church that is grieving deeply and try to pull such non sense. Maybe it shouldn't surprise me given how far people go to avoid the guilt and conviction of the HS in their own lives and the false accusations they levie at satan's command to try to draw people away from God but it still boggles my mind none the less.

Weathering Storms said:

It's a control thing. If he can control your emotions, he can manipulate you into doing what he wants.

Unfortunately, it's not all that uncommon. These are narcissistic personalities, and everything has to revolve around them. You must come to THEM for advice, to THEM for direction. No one else is to be trusted. And if that doesn't work, or stops working, they will do everything they can to destroy you.

Please see this as proof that you are making inroads into the enemy's territory. Satan doesn't bother you if you aren't bothering him. I'm sending you a pm.

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I never thought of it as a control issue before...interesting, thanks.

It's been a while since I posted here because I didn't want to offend some people by speaking of things they don't want to hear.

Not too long ago, I did a study into the schemes of Satan. In part of that study I looking into Job's life. He was tempted by Satan to turn from God and that temptation involved financial, family, and health. I have been fighting all three of the same battles over the last oh 8 or so years. I am so tired I barely have the strength to sit here and type these words...One thing you will hear throughout this thread if you have been listening is that I know without doubt that God is faithful no matter how tired I get. Honestly, there isn't much left in me to keep me going. I am spent...and yet in God's faithfulness He is giving me hope that within about a week we might see some change at least in my health. No guarantees but the very thought of a hope that I will get some relief brings tears to my eyes. On top of that, our one son that refused to speak to me has spoken twice, he wanted something but still, hope....

Well, time for silence to return so that you all are not bothered by such sufferings.

I don't need this right now...and yet, God allows it even though He promises to meet our every need....what exactly does that mean in this situation?! Lord give me grace to endure, strength to finish the race, and courage to accept all that you place on me.

If you are one of those that think I shouldn't have a place to vent, please stop reading and move on....I need a moment sense I can't stop crying right now.

It all started many years ago when I was very young. You see, I have allergies to onions but no one would treat much less accept it...when I say allergies I mean my throat and tongue swell yet my parents loved onions so we had them at every meal. So my body was in a constant state of allergic reaction. to make matters worse, I would be punished (for talking too much after I was asked to explain what happened) with eating a raw onion. I have also had allergies as in asthma issues to certain chemicals. One day, my father put chemicals on the cat and when the cat came around I couldn't breath Literally...my mother and now husband were trying to convince me to go to the ER...my father on the other hand, laughed and put the chemical on the carpet.

My mother confessed years later that she was always jealous of me which spurred her to manipulation and control. Nonetheless, I not only survived but I thrived under the protection of God. I could tell many stories but that isn't what this is about. So back to the allergy issue. When my siblings were to get braces my parents were given a better deal if I got them too. The Dr. told them to take me to a speech therapist who told them that my throat and tongue were always swollen and that was causing the problems. Instead of doing something about it, they put braces on me and widened my palate to make room for my swollen tongue. My husband will tell you that the first thing he learned about me was that I was allergic to onions (and a couple other things but we didn't have to eat the other things everyday) I am currently 57 almost 58 years old and my mother is just in the last 5 years or so recognizes that I have an allergy to them. She justifies herself by claiming that if I had only been old enough to explain what was going on they would have changed things...lol 55 isn't old enough nor is a professionals word....oh well that is just the beginning of the story.

Since then, I have survived many of their assaults, swelling allergies, being hit by a train, being beaten for things I didn't do, a marriage that was almost torn apart by inappropriate content, poverty which left us homeless several times over, etc. You came into the picture shortly after our son died in a freak accident and if you were following along you will see that that not only involved some terrible things that people said and did but our eldest being sent to war for the second time right after our sons funeral....again I won't go into all the details since so many here get upset when I vent.

Well, not only was all this going on but we lived in a situation that had it's beginnings in abuse from my father (long story) what we know now though we didn't know all the details at the time is that some of our kids were being jumped and beaten for being white. Our youngest was a look out for a gang who were dealing drugs and he watched a couple of his "friends" die, one in a shooting in which a bullet buzzed past him. when our son died and he was in distress, all his "friends" abandoned him. At the same time, the church was going through it's own growing pains and used us as a scapegoat. now that might or might not sound terrible but you also must realize that before this, my husband pastored a church that abused us (short version) and the older kids still remembered being beaten to the verge of ER by much older deacon children with witnesses that testified that our children were completely innocent. So the kids can't really turn to the church either.

Moving forward, we did what we could to help them (the kids) but nothing seemed to work. We had one, our eldest who had seen some terrible things in war and lost his brother in the midst of it, turn to alcohol and became and alcoholic. Our third son decided to become transgender and when I told him he would always be welcomed, loved, invited, etc. because we respected him enough to let him make his own decisions, he said, "if that is what love is, I don't want any of it because it makes me feel bad about myself." Shortly thereafter he not only told me to ignore him that he didn't want anything to do with me but he also publicly accused us (mostly me) of abuses that never happened and there is hard evidence to the truth of what I am saying on most of the accusations. He is now identifying himself not only as a female but a witch and talks about spells and will have nothing to do with us unless he needs something. Our only daughter seemed to be doing the best but wanted to go into the military, so we let her even though we told her we thought it was the wrong thing to do. Well, she was raped in the military and the result of that was that she pulled away completely and even started accusing me of some horrible things that never happened. Eventually she brought home a young man that "brought her back home." but then she sent him packing when he said he wanted some time to pray (because she was afraid to be alone) started dating a guy and was married before we even knew what was going on. The problem was that when she was with this guy, she was nasty and evil to the point of alienating her baby brother. Her baby brother is angry and often hostile though not always. He is now withdrawn and proclaims that he is an agnostic. Often time he resorts to the false accusations as well. The funny thing is that all the kids tell each other they are wrong to accuse me but they do it themselves. I was taught to blame myself so this sets up a self deprivation in me.

Oh but we are far from over....I started out talking about my allergies. Well before our son died, I was diagnosed with A fib. I had to be cardio versioned twice and since have learned that large doses of Magnesium keep my heart in rhythm. Well, about the same time I was diagnosed, I had hives and facial swelling that made me look like the elephant man. Benadryl was the only reason I wasn't in the hospital for allergies then. But in the ER when I had Afib, because of the community we lived in, I was told that I was in Afib because I was doing drugs. I assured them that the hardest drugs I was taking was antihistamine and the occasional tylenol....well, that is when they put me on a med that should never be given to someone with allergies. I didn't know this because I trusted the ER dr. so I was on this med for years. about 7 of them. I kept telling the Dr. that I was getting worse but no one would listen. Eventually I got a PA to listen, he looked at my throat and tongue, gasped and told me not to dare to go a day without antihistamine then continued the prescription that I should never have been on.

So moving on in the story. I was referred to a pulmonary Dr. eventually. He started asking me questions and I answered. Eventually he said to me, "You are too ignorant to know your own symptoms, be quiet and I will tell you your symptoms and then treat you accordingly." My husband who was sitting right there told him that those were not my symptoms. to which he replied, "You are too ignorant to know her symptoms now be quiet and I will..." In the end of the matter, the prescribed correction made things worse to the point in which the pharmacist told me not to do what he ordered because it would kill me. But because I wouldn't do what he wanted me to do, he black listed me and now I can't even get a referral for some basic help.

Well, while all this is going on, my health continued to spiral out of control. At it's worst I was going from the 200 range to the 90 range on my BP every night in a matter of just a couple of min. I was going to the ER every night where they would treat me and then tell me to call the dr. The Dr. would say, we can see you in about a month. Even I knew I wouldn't live that long the way things were going. My allergies became so bad I could no longer function, literally, every chemical was setting off a massive reaction, etc. Another long story. My body was in such a bad place that my cortisol was spiking which we finally figured out as we prayed for God to show us what was going on.

Now I won't go into all of the details of this but the short version is that the cortisol triggered something that is called myofascial pain disease. It is often confused with fibromyalgia but is very very different. It is characterized by pain that cannot be controlled, muscle cramps that will not end, weak muscles, etc. They do know that cortisol triggers the disease but they know very little else. At this point I use a walker or cane if I don't have far to go and a chair whenever we are out because I can no longer walk. We have tried everything and are still working on it and my have some answers but it is too early to know. Anyway, the allergies are out of control, to explain, I shook hands one night with someone who had weed killer on his hand even though he thought he had it all washed off, it sent me to my bed for a week with my digestive, respiratory, and circulatory systems all trying to shut down. You have no idea everything that has chemicals that set me off into very severe reactions but the problem is that the soaps and cleaning supplies have them too so going to the ER only makes them worse. I can no longer get the mail, watch the kids in a game, go to the school, even going to the bathroom where the soaps have the chemicals is life threatening. the list goes on and on and those who know me can't even imagine all the things we have to literally figure into whether I survive a day or not. But enough of that, and no I can't get help still to this day.

Well, so now we have the kids going off, my health spiraling out of control, we still live in poverty and I can't work. I mean even opening the windows can cause a severe reaction. As I sit and type this we have had 6 asthma days in a row which means no oxygen to speak of in fact, my oxygen levels stay below what the ins. companies will pay for....on and on the list goes...even my mother who now recognizes my onion allergy will put out soap with one of the chemicals I can't be around then make excuses for doing so....when my father was still alive he would spray the chemical he laughed about me not being able to breath around in the house....anyway so today, I get up and my knee on my "good" leg is frozen up and I can't bend my knee. My "bad" leg is too weak to support my weight and so I can't even go to the bathroom by myself. this on top of two really bad asthma weeks. The kids some still really bad, some finally at least on the fence. Our daughters wedding ceremony coming up and no money for even a hotel room (out of state)...I am so stinking tired I can't even think....most nights I sleep about an hour then have to get up to relieve some of my leg issues...this goes on all night for years now.

But you know what...it really bothers me that every time I tried to vent a bit here, someone would get upset. I am tired....I am tired...I am tired and you know what, that is okay. It's even okay that I am struggling to not be depressed at this point. I have been in non stop pain for almost 6 years, I can't even get help with allergies and asthma, I can't be around anything without risking severe reaction, heck, even eating can have either hidden onions or hidden chemicals that can make me very very ill. I can't help my husband by working or doing anything much around the house so all of it falls on him...He btw is being great but I feel bad for him.

I will endure as God commands, I will be faithful, I will Love my Lord no matter, I will thrive when the world says I should die, but I am tired of being told I shouldn't vent or be depressed or any number of other things some here have tried to say. I am hurting like few will ever understand in ways that most will never know and I am thankful most of you all will never know some of those pains...but come on...a little venting, a few tears...haven't I earned them by now!!!!!

Okay, I'm done...back to silence. Sorry for all who are offended...I just needed to get it out. Maybe someday, God will share with you many of the details I left out and in that you will find even more clarity but since that is between you and God I will leave you with this blessing...May you always see Christ in the midst of your struggles rather than your own pains which will only fester and turn you bitter if you entertain them rather than venting and moving on.

Dave-W said:

Wow. I do hope you are getting some biblical counseling on all of that.

Believe me, it is absolutely ok (and at times necessary) to vent and to mourn. To not do so plugs us up emotionally and spiritually.

Of course we should be wise on when and to whom we vent.

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Thanks...God has always been my counselor and He has done a pretty good job of it, I'll stick with Him...

There have been people who on this thread seemed to think it was wrong for me to vent. In fact, I spend most of my days either studying scripture or listening to other people vent so that I can counsel them in the things of God. This was my place to come to vent and some didn't like that. There are a lot of people in my life right now that are telling me I don't have a right to vent or to even be human. I don't think they mean to say that but that is what they are saying and I just needed to say some things about being human and needing to vent myself once in awhile. I'm not just someone who will listen and counsel, I am also someone who hurts and cries and gets tired and heck once in awhile I even get depressed and want to disappear, to go home (heaven) for some good rest. That is all...just my moment to be human and give myself permission to vent even if some here think that I don't deserve that right.

Dave-W said:

Proverbs 11:14
Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory.

Proverbs 15:22
Without consultation, plans are frustrated, But with many counselors they succeed.

IMO biblical counseling (a real human being) is a gift from God. Properly trained, they are a very safe place to vent and grieve. And a fresh ear to the Holy Spirit is always helpful.
Often our own emotions can cloud how well we can hear HIM.

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amen...I am fine, as I said, I just needed to vent. As I told our pastor, It is well with my soul...no matter the storm that is raging around our lives.

I recently had a friend ask me if I ever feel sorry for myself...lol this is what I am talking about. No one even gets that I am human because I do my best to focus on God and rest in simple trust that He has it. It is well with my soul and therefore no one seems to get that the flesh still feels the things of this world we simply are overcomers....I just wanted to be human for a moment that is all

I originally started this thread to see if anyone could give me any new insights into human nature other than the hearts of man are only evil continually...

I have a new one for you all to tackle. I pretty much have reached my limit...if you read the above post about the nutshell version of what is going on it will help. so today I get up and figure I'll face the day head on...didn't take long before I knew it would be another asthma day...that is 9 in a row without a break and the break I got before that was one day of which I had lung spasms from 4 days in a row. I have nothing left to give....well, let me back up to last night.

So last night I was just worn down to nothing. Our son wanted his dad to take him someplace but he hadn't gotten the yard mowed so my husband told him no and went out to mow and asked our son to help me get dinner started. Well, our son, threw a fit with me...I didn't ask anything of him...I told him I couldn't handle the attitude right now to take it up with his dad...to which he went ballistic on me and accused me of all kinds of things. That caused my cortisol to spike even more which causes all kinds of havoc that is already going on because of the health issues. So I finally go to bed and get to sleep and I'm not doing too bad...the mat helps with breathing. About the time I get to sleep the phone rings...my husbands grandmother died. Okay, I can deal with this, the rest of the night was horrible, I was in pain and couldn't get relief and I would stop breathing and have to remind myself to breath (been like that off and on for years) I get through the night and encourage myself that today is not suppose to be an asthma day. Get up only to find my "good" leg is worse when it was getting better. Felt like it would be an asthma day no matter what they said, and the day was off and running.

Well I had to talk to my mother about an issue and all she wanted to do was talk about how "sick" my father was before he died and how he would have to remind himself to breath towards the end of his life. This is the same father that laughed when I couldn't breath and would spray chemicals that caused an asthma attack every time I was coming over. In fact, when he was starting to have problems breathing he called me to his side and asked me how to get through it because of how hard it was to not be able to breath.......and so all morning I had to listen to her talk about how I should feel sorry for him (he is dead now) for how bad he was before he died....

This isn't the first time something like this has happened which is what I want anyone's insight into. My husband says that everyone seems to think they need to compete with me and how bad my health is as if they are jealous of any attention I might get because of some of my issues. In fact, I refuse to talk about it as much as possible so that I don't start an onslaught of droning on and on about things that are ridiculous. Case in point, talked to a friend the other day that was complaining about how hard it was to breath (and comparing it to me) because her daughter gave her flowers for mother's day and it was causing a stuffy nose. (btw, I have used her inhaler before because though she can get one, she never uses it) Then went on FB and bragged about all the flowers she got for mother's day about 4 bouquets from husband and children (who don't know she gets stuffy?) anyway....this comparison stuff seems endless like I said, my husband thinks it jealousy though I don't understand what anyone would be jealous of, my mother did the jealousy thing when our son died....what do you all think? And why would me being so sick be something to be jealous of? Any insights?