- Feb 12, 2018
- 20
- 33
- 25
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Hello, thanks for looking at this, for the safety of my identity, you can call me Victor.
As it says in the title, I've been and still live a life of agony, despair, misery, torture, entrapment, lust and the list goes on. I absolutely hate my life more than anything in this world. The only motivation and thing I live for in life is just so that I don't go to Hell. This is why I haven't committed suicide yet and it isn't a option. I would gladly give my life for any good cause if I had the chance to and go to heaven with a clean slate of forgiveness and salvation. My sad story...
Before it all began: My parents. (Read this only if you are interested)
Let's start from the beginning, my mom and dad had a arranged marriage back in their country a long time ago. My mom's mother set up and agreed to have her marry my father. I believe my mom's side was Christian and my father's side was somewhat Christian. Only his parents were Christian I think. My mom lived a ok-ish life in her country and my father lived poor and in trash, a one roomed house. He became a scientist and traveled around his country looking at water samples for bacteria or something. So he met her across the country and he liked her looks. He started being "like a angel" to her family and did their hard labor and basically did anything they ask. Eventually, this led to her parents trust towards him. My mom didn't mind him at all and didn't really care about him. He started telling his parents about her and they sent letters to her by mail. But my mom's mother started opening up her mail that was being sent to her. She replied to them and sent it back to his parents who lived across the country. Eventually, they arranged a marriage for the two people. My mom wasn't happy but he was happy. (One prophecy was given to my mom, when she was young, which said that she was going to have a hard life).
This was all taken place in Russia. The fall of communism was around the corner and there was a small gap for Russians to escape Russia and have freedom from being trapped in a isolated country. This was around 1990, churches started sending letters to bring refugees and foreigners from other countries to the USA for safety. So they got the invite and they had to travel a bit until they finally reached the US. My brother was born in Russia in 1987 and my sister was born during the trip to America somewhere. They went from Russia, to Rome, Italy, Turkey (those could be the countries, I can't remember) but they had to stay in some countries for several of months before arriving to the US. As they were leaving, they could only take one baggage per person. In these countries, my family lived like beggars and hobo's. My sister was just born and she had to use newspapers and towels, that were reused, as diapers. My father was never present at the time, probably working or something else, my mom, brother, sister were so young, they probably don't remember any of it but my mom said they were miserable and always crying. Apparently, somehow, my father ditched them there somehow because he was never there. I don't know the story to well. But eventually they came to America, my family was taken in by the church and they were helped so well by them. After my family started settling in, my father was again, never home. He was working like 3-4 jobs at once, he was in school taking 12 credits a semester at once. He did this for many years, he became educationally smart in Chemistry and had great grades, but he wasn't smart at all outside of his educational field. My brother and sister didn't really have a father growing up at the time which is crucial to growing up. And then I came into the world in 1999. (End of that story)
My brother and sister. (Some more detail of hardships in my family).
My brother and sister grew up in terrible conditions in America. My father would abuse my family in many ways throughout his lifetime. He pulled a gun on my family more than once. He kidnapped my brother and sister from the airport, running away from my mom. He would regularly threaten and physically beat them. Many bad things. My brother became a bully in school, he did bad things, he hung out with bad people, went to jail a few times (almost for 20 years once but the judge let him go because something was telling him no). Eventually, through our Russian church that we have been attending mostly, my brother found some better friends at church and one family sort of raised him up instead through one of those friends. He became a better person and a Christian. He married one of their daughters and now has 3 small kids. My sister was also abused and experienced several trauma like my brother did, usually they were all together when this all happened when they were very young, except the one time where I think she was sexually abused by my dad. She has major PTSD and she always ran away from home to friends for shelter. She did everything she could to stay away from "home". She had friends of all kinds, she stayed with them. These were all good friends, she was good in school and did sports in school. She was smart and she had counsellors and teachers (friends as well) to basically look after her and help her raise up. God helped her through everything growing up, she had many scholarships and so on, and she thrived. She also got married, she never intended it to happen because she thought she was to broken to do so but he broke though her tough shell and they are now married. He is a amazing Amazing guy, his side of the family is super amazing and they are like the dream family you could ever wish for. (End of that story)
Now my life story.
Now to me... I was born in 1999. My father was more around but he still drank alcohol and still had frequent outbursts which is even worse than being there for me. Every day my parents fought, every week there was a major fight that could be life-changing. And I remember it all... Most of my worst memories happened on my birthdays. Those were days where I stood up and screamed at my dad to drop the knife or stop choking her. Then he would run at me. I would run and hide, I can't hide in my room because he would break the door again. I ran outside and hid in the night. I wanted to call the cops but I was afraid he would come back from jail and really kill me and my whole family this time. Another time, my mom used to work and be gone a lot. And I would be home alone with my dad. And since I was like 4 or 5, I can't be home alone (though I was more than once). My dad would take me with him when my mom was gone. He took me to a woman's apartment, I walk in with him and she would feed him. She had this couch that went against the whole living room wall and there was a TV across from it where I can watch movies. I remember this one memory very vividly as if it was yesterday. I would watch the Disney movie called “The Sword in the Stone". And a few feet to my right, was my dad naked on the couch with the woman naked on top of him. I didn't know what it was and I didn't care. I was watching the movie. But this is probably one of the worst things you can show your son. He took me to her apartment for a few years straight, at least every week. I remember one time she got in the car with us and we were driving. I look outside the window and I see a massive sign of a real baby with its head, torso, arms and legs amputated off in a bloody picture. They turned back. Recently, I thought about it and realized they were going to a abortion clinic and they got scared by the sign and turned back. I think I now have 3 or 4 step siblings or whatever you call it. But my mom found out my dad was taking me to the apartment one day and she grabbed me out of there. This is where I lost my trust in my mom because she told me that if he ever sexually abused me or try to actually kill me one day, she would leave him, but she never did and continued on as if nothing happened. Plus, my sister was raped too and later on a year or so later, I too was raped by my father. And I told her the same week she came back from work since she went out for a week. And I am still here with him…. Literally, these are my memories, this hell-ish life.
I was always scared and I always wanted to be in someone's arms that I trust and loved and that they also loved me as well. I didn't know what love really was, because I was still young. But, one day, I was in my kids bible class at my church, around March 1st 2006. We were all around the same age. I sat next to my best friend that I really adore and next to his brother which was also a good friend but not as much as his brother. It was my birthday, I brought cupcakes for everyone in my class to share my birthday. I handed chocolate and vanilla cupcakes to everyone and then.... all of a sudden.... As I gave a vanilla cupcake to this one girl that was in my class, our eyes interlocked. I stared at her for a minute, standing there as I looked into her glistening eyes of happiness and innocence, all of a sudden, I get this raging heat burning sensation in my chest. My heart started pumping like crazy, I sat down, I was confused because I didn't know what that was all about but I wanted more of that feeling, like a addiction basically. I only turned 7 and I experienced true love for the first time in my life. I remember that I was somewhat friends with her brother and I would sometimes see him and play with him at his house. I probably went to his house to play with him like 5 times in my whole life. After we were done playing with each other, she was standing there watching us play until we were done. We talked like regular kids, I got to know her better. She was so kind, so generous, she was literally a angel in a humans body, she was pure and also had great faith with God. She was the most perfect Christian girl I have ever met. For example, I was jumping on the trampoline at her house with one of the guys that were there and somehow I face planted into the exterior ring that holds the trampoline material together. My nose started gushing blood everywhere and I look up and she was there. She quickly rushed me to a room and laid me on a couch. She treated me with such care. She had a smile the whole time and said that I would be ok. She cleaned me up and I was good to go. It was only me and her, no one else came to help me. So, of course, I had a massive affection for her. Whenever I was abused at home, I would think of her, her smile, and I would feel better. As the years passed, I would think of her every day. We got older, my strict conservative church would start to separate the guys and girls so that nothing would happen. You can't be seen in my church with one guy with one girl. That would be bad and you would be disciplined or punished. So I stopped talking to her and she did the same. I would say I was around 10-12 when this happened.
So from the beginning when I first fell in love with her, I was really happy, it was the first time I truly felt happy. She was the only person that I truly loved more than anything. But I was still being abused at home. And because of abuse and the side effects that it gives you, it changes a person for the better or for the worse. But since I was in love with someone at a young age and that abuse continued, it made me into who I am today, for the worse. Minute from minute, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month... year after year….. at first, after being abused, I would hide and cry fountains of tears wishing she was there to comfort me. Then, while I am doing chores or playing my DS, I would think of her and wish she was there. Then, I would start crying every night wishing I could talk to her again and be with her. Then, I started talking to God and questioning why I am in such pain everyday for so long. I would talk to God and do promises with Him. I remember making a promise where if I was to sin ever again that he wouldn't let me be with her. I started to see what I have become slowly. I believe in the statement of someone following their parents footsteps, like if your dad was a good Samaritan then you would see that and be a good Samaritan as well. Or like, if your dad was a hypocrite, you would also be hypocritical because that's what you learned from him. It could be a great thing or it could be a bad thing, for me, my father was a terrible example to be taught from. So that became my fear, my first real number 1 fear. To be like my father… I saw some things in me that I did that was similar to my father. I never hurt anyone like my father did or did anything to anyone similarly to what my father did. And I never will. So I am proud of myself for doing that firstly. He might have been on drugs and he definitely drank a lot which I don't do and never did. And I also won't ever do drugs or drink in my life. I refuse to deeply. I'd rather die. But since I fell in love with someone and my father was a lust-hungry beast and I saw all the sins one can do with lust. It attacked me, it's my biggest weakness: Lust. The three big sins, that makes the triangle, that most people have as their weaknesses: power, money, lust. Lust is my weakness. So my imagination was sinful, and it scared me. So I isolated myself from many people, to protect the ones I love and care most, from me in case the raging beast inside me becomes my actions. Which won't ever happen because I rather die first. I like to keep a 100% safe environment from me no matter what. I have a weird fail-safe system in me that if I do go out of my mind, I immediately freeze up and have all my thoughts and regret of future guilt to come at me but that only happens when I'm alone. It's probably God who did that. I also have rage and anger in me, deep inside of me. It's not your usual anger that you pick a fight with someone but like a rabid anger where it's only the death of everything that is witness to the anger. It's never been unleashed but the thoughts taunt me and torture me. And another thing, desperation. It's the most painful of them all, it's so broad, it covers almost all problems with a simple solution of suicide which isn't a option for me because I don't want to go to hell. But the thoughts of suicide happen…. Every…. Single…. Day…. Even to this very day. I won’t do it but it degrades your humanity and will to live severely. I wanted to be with her so badly because she is all I needed when I was in that pain. I became desperate for her, but I still love her. I love her so much that I keep myself away from her as much as possible. I don't want her to come in contact of me because I don't ever want to hurt her. I love her so much that I rather have these 12+ Years of Severe Depression rather than risking just a little bit of being just like my father with her. I am now awkward at my church because I don’t talk to anyone there. Everyone looks at me as a rebel or someone who they shouldn't talk to probably because I don’t look like the regular traditional conservative. The only people at church that talk to me are family, sometimes the pastor to tell me to cut my longer hair, and the small kids. I am jealous of the kids but also happy for them because they are not living the life I did, almost all the kids love me at church. Really, I don't like kids because I don't ever want any because I could be like my father to them and I don't know how to raise a family. So that keeps me at a fine wall from kids, but they still love me for some apparent reason. And I really don't have any friends from church. My best friend that I had as a kid, the one person in my whole life that I could have shared the information with non-discreetly and he could've have helped probably, died in a car accident when I was 13. I didn't cry at his funeral, one, I know he was in heaven and he didn't have to live this crappy human life (though there are some people that could have been successful unlike me and he could be one of them So I might take that back). Two, I had no emotion. It wasn't trauma, it was more like, “I would have swapped positions with him". I wish I could've have been in that casket by accident instead of him because he was a good person and he could've have changed the world. So now, I look at the girl that I love. And all I see is pain and misery. It all started when I fell in love with her, I want to hate her for it but I can never because she is pure and honest, clean. Everytime I look at her, I am emotional internally and start having flashbacks. She walks by me now in church without realizing she walked past me, she might have loved me once when I was younger but that was young love and it's never serious, but for me it was. This is my life, my struggle, my pain.
Because of all this pain also comes the physical side effects. I for sure have a learning disability, memory loss, dyslexia, chronic depression, high blood pressure, tremors, stress always on the rise and probably more. These are all self diagnostics because my parents don't believe in having illnesses like dyslexia or PTSD so they never took me to the hospital whenever I requested for a evaluation from the doctors. I myself am too poor to spend money. I work and make money but I have the worst luck financially. My car always needs maintenance which is costly. There is a debt collector trying to get a overpriced outstanding statement of 4,400 dollars from a accident that wasn't at fault from me or the other guy, as said by the police officer. I am going to a community college, which is pricey, but I can hardly learn much because over the weeks, my memory and physical state of mind is broken. I prayed to God a while back asking him to either promise me that I won't be like my father and to help me like he did to Solomon by giving him wisdom and to Samson as He gave him strength. I prayed for a miracle. I said that he could either make that promise or miracle that I could have a family one day where I know I won't ever be like my father or if not, that God would at least take some mercy on me and make me forget these memories. I had exceptional memory before, like I said, I could remember every bad thing that happened. Now, my memories are still there but they take a lot of digging to get to so it isn't as easy to remember. Also, memory loss is the side effect of that but I kind of asked for it… I survived highschool somehow, even with my learning disability, but college might just be impossible. But if you grow up as a dog on the streets, you learn and see things differently as a dog that was owned by in a family. I am great at analogies, it's a talent of mine. Growing up in a hell hole like mine, I learned to see things differently. To me it's common sense, to others, it's invisible. This is why I want to be a psychologist because I know things that others don't know or can't see. I had experience, 12+ years of experience. Throughout my days in school, I helped people with their personal problems and dilemmas that they had. Simple problems with easy solutions in my opinion but those answers I gave them helped let more than a few of them to drop the pill bottle they had in their other hand as I texted them. I always put God in my teachings to help teens with problems, I helped a few to come to Christianity. Everything I say, is as if someone else was saying it. I reread or analyze the conversation and notice that's something that I probably wouldn't of thought of on spot. Maybe God does speak through me, and maybe his plan “was" to make me suffer such a life, and still do… But isn't this too much pain, where's the mercy? Why did I deserve this? Do I finally get my miracle as the outcome of this? I don't know, I am broken. I have so much confusion in me, I never have clear answers. I was brought into a world of despair, I had potential before all this abuse came to me, I could have been great, but now, I can't do a simple thing anyone else can do. I have this gift of helping but for what price? I honestly can't process simple things as any regular human can, I am actually very dumb when it comes to life itself, I can't do its simple tasks. It's like a computer can do any calculation in a blink of an eye but it possibly can't understand your emotions and talk to you, that's impossible for the computer (saying this when AI is still not in effect).
Here I am today. I walk in the shadows of society. My church is blind of me, they don't see me. My friends I have know me for who I am, but not for what I am. My work likes me for my constant positive attitude but that's all a lie. I really don't remember how it's like to not be depressed, how to be happy. I used to have hobbies like watching movies or playing video games, those used to keep me company and take my mind off of things. Now, those hobbies that I had are non-existent. I am tormented to this day from most of these brutal memories and ludicrous thoughts, thoughts that could lead from over thinking to suicide. I try to be isolated but it's so hard to stay away for so long with nothing that can entertain me. I always listen to Contemporary Christian music on the radio since it speaks to me spiritually, Im always praying when I am listening and I do feel God's presence when I sing and pray under God's lyrics that are transferred over by these holy singers. It's a good coping method that never gets old. Then I met a few special friends, real Christian friends. I am the shadow in the darkness, but where there's a shadow is a light and I went to go check it out cautiously.
I met a guy, who is a missionary, in my last few years of high school. I had a class with him on his first day and something told me to just talk to him. I never do that, but I did. He was really cool, his personality was amazing, I could see that he was a good person on the inside. He reminded of my best friend. Following on, I met a few of his missionary friends, they were all around the same age. To be honest, I was surprised at first glance, they all were beautiful people, not just physically but also on the inside. Each person was unique and special in their own way. I talked with some of them and I knew that I really liked them. I tried my best to get to know them. Eventually, my friend greeted me to one of his better missionary friends. She was interesting and very flamboyant in her attitude. We three started talking more and we became better school friends and then I tried to lead it to out of school. I tried to be more social with the guy outside of school but he is introverted as me except he liked it. To me, it felt pretty rare and long-waiting till I get to see him outside of school. I met his family and they were all great people as well, a true family that actually looks after each other. We always did fun things, things I never done before that good friends do. These were good times, good memories, I savored these memories. I really enjoy them, it feels great having these feelings that I haven't had for a long long time. I wish I can have the feeling forever and never ending as a addict. Eventually, he became more distant, less social, and it terrified me. Then everything hit me, the loneliness, the pain, the suffering, the abuse, me staying away from such illegal pleasure. All of my slumbered dark emotions and intense pain came rushing back at me as they awoken. I kept saying to myself, “NOT AGAIN, WHY DID I LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN" I tried to hide my darkness away. This feeling is the same feeling I had for those many years where I loved her, all hit me at once. The feeling of losing my best friend, hit me again. These hits are extremely dangerous for my health. He slowly started disappearing more and more. And then he moved far for college. I realized this one thing, we 2 are completely different people. He grew up in a total complete environment than I had. It was normal to move on and make new friends, to depart from older ones. He is a missionary, he is used to it, he in fact, is great at not attaching to anything other than his family (which he told me a few times way before). It's completely normal for him to move on. I see, I tried to have something again which I couldn't. I sound so desperate. I sound like a annoying emotional wreck. I understand fully. I never told him and never will. I wish he could have been my friend, my best friend but he had one flaw as a friend, which I don't hold against him, but he moves on quite quickly. We still are friends, but just friends that might talk ever so rarely on a blue moon. During this whole time, I tried my best to be a great person. I really did, I poured my heart and soul, and I don't regret it. As long as they were happy and I had the chance to experience what it was like to live once again… But then there was that other person he introduced me to, the girl. I really didn't mind her at first and she did the same. We were only school friends through the guy. But she had a similar affection that he emitted, she was fun, very fun to be around with. Without the three of us, it wouldn't feel complete at school. Eventually, we three started hanging out at the guys house. Both of their parents/families are extremely close, like one family, so this was perfectly normal for them. These whole times that I met these people, I learned and mentally copied down how these families worked so perfectly, so flawlessly compared to my family. The one answer that can cover from all these notes is “unconditional love” for one another. It truly is a amazing sight to see that, something I wish that I had as well. But I still was somewhat of a outsider, a random guy who came out of the blue, into these people lives. The best way I was accepted and adored by, were by my jokes and friendly personality. I always came bearing gifts and they would like me (and their families as well). Eventually, I got to know her a bit more just in time before the guy friend started being more introverted and antisocial. I was not a social media person at all, I hated the whole social media trends and how social media started breaking up Christianity more and more so I never really went into it. But the only way I could talk to these people was through social media, especially her. Without the social media, I would definitely be alone in the darkness again. So I started being more social because of her mostly, it's a process that I know takes time to build up trust with someone but for me, I know it was bound to work. Through text, I always knew what to say. And then we became just as good as friends as I did with him. This was around the time where I was plunged into the darkness after he left. Eventually, we slowly and slowly started to hang out, started to get to know each other a bit better. Me, I never told anyone about my past, I was always mysterious with her and the guy. My ethnic background was my solid ground for my jokes to hold a bond and connection with them, they adored it. But the more I got to know her, the more I started to see similarities of a pain she was in. Thankfully, by God's grace, it was nothing like my background but her grief led to similar griefs as mine. So I really started to get interested in her, how could someone in such a great family, great community, great support suffer such similar consequences from different actions? As my mental state started to take a toll on me, I became sloppy. I started mentioning some of my griefs as well, but not their causes. We both talk and talk, and we start being more open. Really, I hate it when I am vulnerable. This tough shell, this fake side I put up just for them to like me was slowly starting to crack and leak some information about myself. All I wanted to do was feel the love I never had growing up, have really good friends, and maybe to help me learn from them how it is to live a life as theirs. It might seem like obsession, this friendship, but it isn't. I don't want to be selfish and fill their minds with such a scary dark place I have been. I didn't want to scare them away. I know that sounds selfish of me to help others, like them, but not ask for help in return but I try to be 100% safe. But my mental state, or whatever illness I may have is starting to take a psychological toll on me. This gift has a price, a terrible price. But it also has a great outcome for others. A few of my friends know that I am “going though things” but it's only things, everyone goes through things so it's normal, that's my alibi if someone starts to really question. But with her, I started to open up a bit. Bit by bit. She doesn't understand why I am like this, so do I to be honest. She is worried, and she's right, but I don't want her to be. She knows nothing of detail, of my past that I haven't told anyone yet, only things that others know already like my friends death or growing up with foreign parents is hard. But nothing of explicit detail, she knows my guilt but not why. It's all caused by my past, of course, but the way that I started to grow dysfunctionally even confuses me of how I really am. The other worst thing is, she is leaving as well. Maybe that's why I was breaking, eventually the day would come, but this quick? These emotions take time to develop over the years, but then everything started hitting me again. Sadness, desperation, etc. This is really bad for my health. I would probably have to hide again in the shadows, I didn't grab the light yet as I mentioned earlier, so I wouldn't be as affected if I had to return to my dark area in life. Otherwise, if I reached the light and grabbed it, it would take me so far up but eventually, like now, it would forcefully disappear. The scary part is the higher you go, the further you fall. The more painful it is. While I was being friends with her and talked to her. I started thinking more about her. During the time, I grew to love her. Here's the thing, I already know the difference between love and lust. I stay away from lust as much as possible. But I don't know the difference between love and the love of being that family I always wanted to grow up in. For short words, I guess you can say she is like a sister to me. But she isn't my blood… is this the same love my brother had for the family that kind of took him in??? I can't tell… even worse, I fear that she would become like that girl I so loved dearly where she reminds me now only of heartache and dreadfulness. She is leaving, even further than my guy friend, to the other side of the world maybe… now, that's a new terrible experience to feel right now… I understand and want the best for her, really, I do. But why does all of this separation come at the best and worst times?! I hate my life, every other reason to act as Job from Job 3:11 … She wants to know why I seem so weird and emotional because those cracks are becoming more fluid like waterfalls. I am saying more guilts and she might be worried. But she says that I can trust her and that she loves me like a brother. She probably does hate seeing me like this and she wants to know only if I am ready to tell her. If yes, then I link her to this blog, if not, then I torture myself even more. But I have to stay away from people, why did I come to people in the first place, because I heard that voice in class to meet him? I am afraid if I make the wrong choice, I don't know if this is the Devils work to make me suffer this pain or God's mercy to a inevitable outcome, that I am not 100% sure of, that could somehow miraculously help me. But as said way before, I rather suffer 12+ Years of Severe Depression rather than risking another worthy humans life because of my past… I do not know…
2/25/18
Right now, the girl I am friends with is slowly starting to become what I see when I look at the other girl every Sunday. I can't take it anymore, and I can't do anything about it! The only thing that can eventually help is time. I haven't felt this maximum miserable feeling for a long time, it's been going on for a little over a month now. I can't concentrate at all in school, I dropped out of a class. God, I wish you can end it all and give me peace, just euthanize me already. I can't even cry anymore or show physical outer emotion anymore, even if I do, my tears are not salty which I find very disturbing. I recently started a Instagram and people post really nice pictures of themselves there, conservative but beautiful. I looked at her photos once for the first time and immediately threw my phone out. A intense pain hit me in the heart. I can't look at these photos of her, it makes me more miserable. I realized, when I looked at these photos, that this is something I can't have, something I don't deserve. Love. Growing up, I learned that being attached to something or liking something would eventually be taken away to hurt. So right now, everything I like or love to do becomes my motivation to not like it anymore. It cancels out with itself. It happens by force, I can't control it. Love is the main one with that problem, I want to love but my body declines it in every way. Even if I really like something like a event or doing something special or doing some hobbies of mine become dead and obsolete to me. Eventually regret takes a toll but being there, doing something special to me, becomes another burden with my thoughts torturing me. I hate what I became.
Now, all I do is lay in bed. Sometimes I just stare outside and think. My thoughts haunt me, I look like someone you would see in a asylum in my room. I'm on my phone trying to hangout with her so I can try to feel better. But it's very rare to try to get that to work. All that works is talking to her through social media. That's my highlight of the day, each day. I don't want to seem desperate or awkward but if she reads this, she might understand me or straight up cut out our friendship. I also don't want her to know, I don't want her to worry and have a burden because of me. Yet, I want help, I need help. I feel like I'm dying legitimately. I believe some disease or something will have me life threatening. I just want to die in peace knowing I will go to heaven. But I need to overcome this first before anything. I know that in order to be get to heaven, you need to be cleansed, right now, I'm stained.
My birthday is coming up, I hate it so much. It just reminds me of another year of torture and how long I've been struggling. The only reason why I'm looking forward to it this one time is just so that's it's another excuse to be with my dear friend(s). They don't know my birthday is coming up yet, I don't want them to get me anything. But I will just try to tell them on that day so we can plan something hopefully. I'm so desperate but I don't make it obvious to the people around me. Which is a good thing I guess. My eating schedule is terrible, sometimes I won't eat the whole day, I'm not hungry. But I know I need to eat because I would feel weak and nauseous if I don't. I would eat a very small plate of food throughout the day and have milk to hydrate myself. Food makes me want to vomit and the feeling of hunger satisfies me. These are just the other things that are apart of my burden right now. I know I said a lot, maybe too much but I'm just dumping everything out. Laying everything on the table. There's more but my memory is failing me.
I might post later about the other things in life that trouble me, right now, almost just as much as this rebuttal with myself.
As it says in the title, I've been and still live a life of agony, despair, misery, torture, entrapment, lust and the list goes on. I absolutely hate my life more than anything in this world. The only motivation and thing I live for in life is just so that I don't go to Hell. This is why I haven't committed suicide yet and it isn't a option. I would gladly give my life for any good cause if I had the chance to and go to heaven with a clean slate of forgiveness and salvation. My sad story...
Before it all began: My parents. (Read this only if you are interested)
Let's start from the beginning, my mom and dad had a arranged marriage back in their country a long time ago. My mom's mother set up and agreed to have her marry my father. I believe my mom's side was Christian and my father's side was somewhat Christian. Only his parents were Christian I think. My mom lived a ok-ish life in her country and my father lived poor and in trash, a one roomed house. He became a scientist and traveled around his country looking at water samples for bacteria or something. So he met her across the country and he liked her looks. He started being "like a angel" to her family and did their hard labor and basically did anything they ask. Eventually, this led to her parents trust towards him. My mom didn't mind him at all and didn't really care about him. He started telling his parents about her and they sent letters to her by mail. But my mom's mother started opening up her mail that was being sent to her. She replied to them and sent it back to his parents who lived across the country. Eventually, they arranged a marriage for the two people. My mom wasn't happy but he was happy. (One prophecy was given to my mom, when she was young, which said that she was going to have a hard life).
This was all taken place in Russia. The fall of communism was around the corner and there was a small gap for Russians to escape Russia and have freedom from being trapped in a isolated country. This was around 1990, churches started sending letters to bring refugees and foreigners from other countries to the USA for safety. So they got the invite and they had to travel a bit until they finally reached the US. My brother was born in Russia in 1987 and my sister was born during the trip to America somewhere. They went from Russia, to Rome, Italy, Turkey (those could be the countries, I can't remember) but they had to stay in some countries for several of months before arriving to the US. As they were leaving, they could only take one baggage per person. In these countries, my family lived like beggars and hobo's. My sister was just born and she had to use newspapers and towels, that were reused, as diapers. My father was never present at the time, probably working or something else, my mom, brother, sister were so young, they probably don't remember any of it but my mom said they were miserable and always crying. Apparently, somehow, my father ditched them there somehow because he was never there. I don't know the story to well. But eventually they came to America, my family was taken in by the church and they were helped so well by them. After my family started settling in, my father was again, never home. He was working like 3-4 jobs at once, he was in school taking 12 credits a semester at once. He did this for many years, he became educationally smart in Chemistry and had great grades, but he wasn't smart at all outside of his educational field. My brother and sister didn't really have a father growing up at the time which is crucial to growing up. And then I came into the world in 1999. (End of that story)
My brother and sister. (Some more detail of hardships in my family).
My brother and sister grew up in terrible conditions in America. My father would abuse my family in many ways throughout his lifetime. He pulled a gun on my family more than once. He kidnapped my brother and sister from the airport, running away from my mom. He would regularly threaten and physically beat them. Many bad things. My brother became a bully in school, he did bad things, he hung out with bad people, went to jail a few times (almost for 20 years once but the judge let him go because something was telling him no). Eventually, through our Russian church that we have been attending mostly, my brother found some better friends at church and one family sort of raised him up instead through one of those friends. He became a better person and a Christian. He married one of their daughters and now has 3 small kids. My sister was also abused and experienced several trauma like my brother did, usually they were all together when this all happened when they were very young, except the one time where I think she was sexually abused by my dad. She has major PTSD and she always ran away from home to friends for shelter. She did everything she could to stay away from "home". She had friends of all kinds, she stayed with them. These were all good friends, she was good in school and did sports in school. She was smart and she had counsellors and teachers (friends as well) to basically look after her and help her raise up. God helped her through everything growing up, she had many scholarships and so on, and she thrived. She also got married, she never intended it to happen because she thought she was to broken to do so but he broke though her tough shell and they are now married. He is a amazing Amazing guy, his side of the family is super amazing and they are like the dream family you could ever wish for. (End of that story)
Now my life story.
Now to me... I was born in 1999. My father was more around but he still drank alcohol and still had frequent outbursts which is even worse than being there for me. Every day my parents fought, every week there was a major fight that could be life-changing. And I remember it all... Most of my worst memories happened on my birthdays. Those were days where I stood up and screamed at my dad to drop the knife or stop choking her. Then he would run at me. I would run and hide, I can't hide in my room because he would break the door again. I ran outside and hid in the night. I wanted to call the cops but I was afraid he would come back from jail and really kill me and my whole family this time. Another time, my mom used to work and be gone a lot. And I would be home alone with my dad. And since I was like 4 or 5, I can't be home alone (though I was more than once). My dad would take me with him when my mom was gone. He took me to a woman's apartment, I walk in with him and she would feed him. She had this couch that went against the whole living room wall and there was a TV across from it where I can watch movies. I remember this one memory very vividly as if it was yesterday. I would watch the Disney movie called “The Sword in the Stone". And a few feet to my right, was my dad naked on the couch with the woman naked on top of him. I didn't know what it was and I didn't care. I was watching the movie. But this is probably one of the worst things you can show your son. He took me to her apartment for a few years straight, at least every week. I remember one time she got in the car with us and we were driving. I look outside the window and I see a massive sign of a real baby with its head, torso, arms and legs amputated off in a bloody picture. They turned back. Recently, I thought about it and realized they were going to a abortion clinic and they got scared by the sign and turned back. I think I now have 3 or 4 step siblings or whatever you call it. But my mom found out my dad was taking me to the apartment one day and she grabbed me out of there. This is where I lost my trust in my mom because she told me that if he ever sexually abused me or try to actually kill me one day, she would leave him, but she never did and continued on as if nothing happened. Plus, my sister was raped too and later on a year or so later, I too was raped by my father. And I told her the same week she came back from work since she went out for a week. And I am still here with him…. Literally, these are my memories, this hell-ish life.
I was always scared and I always wanted to be in someone's arms that I trust and loved and that they also loved me as well. I didn't know what love really was, because I was still young. But, one day, I was in my kids bible class at my church, around March 1st 2006. We were all around the same age. I sat next to my best friend that I really adore and next to his brother which was also a good friend but not as much as his brother. It was my birthday, I brought cupcakes for everyone in my class to share my birthday. I handed chocolate and vanilla cupcakes to everyone and then.... all of a sudden.... As I gave a vanilla cupcake to this one girl that was in my class, our eyes interlocked. I stared at her for a minute, standing there as I looked into her glistening eyes of happiness and innocence, all of a sudden, I get this raging heat burning sensation in my chest. My heart started pumping like crazy, I sat down, I was confused because I didn't know what that was all about but I wanted more of that feeling, like a addiction basically. I only turned 7 and I experienced true love for the first time in my life. I remember that I was somewhat friends with her brother and I would sometimes see him and play with him at his house. I probably went to his house to play with him like 5 times in my whole life. After we were done playing with each other, she was standing there watching us play until we were done. We talked like regular kids, I got to know her better. She was so kind, so generous, she was literally a angel in a humans body, she was pure and also had great faith with God. She was the most perfect Christian girl I have ever met. For example, I was jumping on the trampoline at her house with one of the guys that were there and somehow I face planted into the exterior ring that holds the trampoline material together. My nose started gushing blood everywhere and I look up and she was there. She quickly rushed me to a room and laid me on a couch. She treated me with such care. She had a smile the whole time and said that I would be ok. She cleaned me up and I was good to go. It was only me and her, no one else came to help me. So, of course, I had a massive affection for her. Whenever I was abused at home, I would think of her, her smile, and I would feel better. As the years passed, I would think of her every day. We got older, my strict conservative church would start to separate the guys and girls so that nothing would happen. You can't be seen in my church with one guy with one girl. That would be bad and you would be disciplined or punished. So I stopped talking to her and she did the same. I would say I was around 10-12 when this happened.
So from the beginning when I first fell in love with her, I was really happy, it was the first time I truly felt happy. She was the only person that I truly loved more than anything. But I was still being abused at home. And because of abuse and the side effects that it gives you, it changes a person for the better or for the worse. But since I was in love with someone at a young age and that abuse continued, it made me into who I am today, for the worse. Minute from minute, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month... year after year….. at first, after being abused, I would hide and cry fountains of tears wishing she was there to comfort me. Then, while I am doing chores or playing my DS, I would think of her and wish she was there. Then, I would start crying every night wishing I could talk to her again and be with her. Then, I started talking to God and questioning why I am in such pain everyday for so long. I would talk to God and do promises with Him. I remember making a promise where if I was to sin ever again that he wouldn't let me be with her. I started to see what I have become slowly. I believe in the statement of someone following their parents footsteps, like if your dad was a good Samaritan then you would see that and be a good Samaritan as well. Or like, if your dad was a hypocrite, you would also be hypocritical because that's what you learned from him. It could be a great thing or it could be a bad thing, for me, my father was a terrible example to be taught from. So that became my fear, my first real number 1 fear. To be like my father… I saw some things in me that I did that was similar to my father. I never hurt anyone like my father did or did anything to anyone similarly to what my father did. And I never will. So I am proud of myself for doing that firstly. He might have been on drugs and he definitely drank a lot which I don't do and never did. And I also won't ever do drugs or drink in my life. I refuse to deeply. I'd rather die. But since I fell in love with someone and my father was a lust-hungry beast and I saw all the sins one can do with lust. It attacked me, it's my biggest weakness: Lust. The three big sins, that makes the triangle, that most people have as their weaknesses: power, money, lust. Lust is my weakness. So my imagination was sinful, and it scared me. So I isolated myself from many people, to protect the ones I love and care most, from me in case the raging beast inside me becomes my actions. Which won't ever happen because I rather die first. I like to keep a 100% safe environment from me no matter what. I have a weird fail-safe system in me that if I do go out of my mind, I immediately freeze up and have all my thoughts and regret of future guilt to come at me but that only happens when I'm alone. It's probably God who did that. I also have rage and anger in me, deep inside of me. It's not your usual anger that you pick a fight with someone but like a rabid anger where it's only the death of everything that is witness to the anger. It's never been unleashed but the thoughts taunt me and torture me. And another thing, desperation. It's the most painful of them all, it's so broad, it covers almost all problems with a simple solution of suicide which isn't a option for me because I don't want to go to hell. But the thoughts of suicide happen…. Every…. Single…. Day…. Even to this very day. I won’t do it but it degrades your humanity and will to live severely. I wanted to be with her so badly because she is all I needed when I was in that pain. I became desperate for her, but I still love her. I love her so much that I keep myself away from her as much as possible. I don't want her to come in contact of me because I don't ever want to hurt her. I love her so much that I rather have these 12+ Years of Severe Depression rather than risking just a little bit of being just like my father with her. I am now awkward at my church because I don’t talk to anyone there. Everyone looks at me as a rebel or someone who they shouldn't talk to probably because I don’t look like the regular traditional conservative. The only people at church that talk to me are family, sometimes the pastor to tell me to cut my longer hair, and the small kids. I am jealous of the kids but also happy for them because they are not living the life I did, almost all the kids love me at church. Really, I don't like kids because I don't ever want any because I could be like my father to them and I don't know how to raise a family. So that keeps me at a fine wall from kids, but they still love me for some apparent reason. And I really don't have any friends from church. My best friend that I had as a kid, the one person in my whole life that I could have shared the information with non-discreetly and he could've have helped probably, died in a car accident when I was 13. I didn't cry at his funeral, one, I know he was in heaven and he didn't have to live this crappy human life (though there are some people that could have been successful unlike me and he could be one of them So I might take that back). Two, I had no emotion. It wasn't trauma, it was more like, “I would have swapped positions with him". I wish I could've have been in that casket by accident instead of him because he was a good person and he could've have changed the world. So now, I look at the girl that I love. And all I see is pain and misery. It all started when I fell in love with her, I want to hate her for it but I can never because she is pure and honest, clean. Everytime I look at her, I am emotional internally and start having flashbacks. She walks by me now in church without realizing she walked past me, she might have loved me once when I was younger but that was young love and it's never serious, but for me it was. This is my life, my struggle, my pain.
Because of all this pain also comes the physical side effects. I for sure have a learning disability, memory loss, dyslexia, chronic depression, high blood pressure, tremors, stress always on the rise and probably more. These are all self diagnostics because my parents don't believe in having illnesses like dyslexia or PTSD so they never took me to the hospital whenever I requested for a evaluation from the doctors. I myself am too poor to spend money. I work and make money but I have the worst luck financially. My car always needs maintenance which is costly. There is a debt collector trying to get a overpriced outstanding statement of 4,400 dollars from a accident that wasn't at fault from me or the other guy, as said by the police officer. I am going to a community college, which is pricey, but I can hardly learn much because over the weeks, my memory and physical state of mind is broken. I prayed to God a while back asking him to either promise me that I won't be like my father and to help me like he did to Solomon by giving him wisdom and to Samson as He gave him strength. I prayed for a miracle. I said that he could either make that promise or miracle that I could have a family one day where I know I won't ever be like my father or if not, that God would at least take some mercy on me and make me forget these memories. I had exceptional memory before, like I said, I could remember every bad thing that happened. Now, my memories are still there but they take a lot of digging to get to so it isn't as easy to remember. Also, memory loss is the side effect of that but I kind of asked for it… I survived highschool somehow, even with my learning disability, but college might just be impossible. But if you grow up as a dog on the streets, you learn and see things differently as a dog that was owned by in a family. I am great at analogies, it's a talent of mine. Growing up in a hell hole like mine, I learned to see things differently. To me it's common sense, to others, it's invisible. This is why I want to be a psychologist because I know things that others don't know or can't see. I had experience, 12+ years of experience. Throughout my days in school, I helped people with their personal problems and dilemmas that they had. Simple problems with easy solutions in my opinion but those answers I gave them helped let more than a few of them to drop the pill bottle they had in their other hand as I texted them. I always put God in my teachings to help teens with problems, I helped a few to come to Christianity. Everything I say, is as if someone else was saying it. I reread or analyze the conversation and notice that's something that I probably wouldn't of thought of on spot. Maybe God does speak through me, and maybe his plan “was" to make me suffer such a life, and still do… But isn't this too much pain, where's the mercy? Why did I deserve this? Do I finally get my miracle as the outcome of this? I don't know, I am broken. I have so much confusion in me, I never have clear answers. I was brought into a world of despair, I had potential before all this abuse came to me, I could have been great, but now, I can't do a simple thing anyone else can do. I have this gift of helping but for what price? I honestly can't process simple things as any regular human can, I am actually very dumb when it comes to life itself, I can't do its simple tasks. It's like a computer can do any calculation in a blink of an eye but it possibly can't understand your emotions and talk to you, that's impossible for the computer (saying this when AI is still not in effect).
Here I am today. I walk in the shadows of society. My church is blind of me, they don't see me. My friends I have know me for who I am, but not for what I am. My work likes me for my constant positive attitude but that's all a lie. I really don't remember how it's like to not be depressed, how to be happy. I used to have hobbies like watching movies or playing video games, those used to keep me company and take my mind off of things. Now, those hobbies that I had are non-existent. I am tormented to this day from most of these brutal memories and ludicrous thoughts, thoughts that could lead from over thinking to suicide. I try to be isolated but it's so hard to stay away for so long with nothing that can entertain me. I always listen to Contemporary Christian music on the radio since it speaks to me spiritually, Im always praying when I am listening and I do feel God's presence when I sing and pray under God's lyrics that are transferred over by these holy singers. It's a good coping method that never gets old. Then I met a few special friends, real Christian friends. I am the shadow in the darkness, but where there's a shadow is a light and I went to go check it out cautiously.
I met a guy, who is a missionary, in my last few years of high school. I had a class with him on his first day and something told me to just talk to him. I never do that, but I did. He was really cool, his personality was amazing, I could see that he was a good person on the inside. He reminded of my best friend. Following on, I met a few of his missionary friends, they were all around the same age. To be honest, I was surprised at first glance, they all were beautiful people, not just physically but also on the inside. Each person was unique and special in their own way. I talked with some of them and I knew that I really liked them. I tried my best to get to know them. Eventually, my friend greeted me to one of his better missionary friends. She was interesting and very flamboyant in her attitude. We three started talking more and we became better school friends and then I tried to lead it to out of school. I tried to be more social with the guy outside of school but he is introverted as me except he liked it. To me, it felt pretty rare and long-waiting till I get to see him outside of school. I met his family and they were all great people as well, a true family that actually looks after each other. We always did fun things, things I never done before that good friends do. These were good times, good memories, I savored these memories. I really enjoy them, it feels great having these feelings that I haven't had for a long long time. I wish I can have the feeling forever and never ending as a addict. Eventually, he became more distant, less social, and it terrified me. Then everything hit me, the loneliness, the pain, the suffering, the abuse, me staying away from such illegal pleasure. All of my slumbered dark emotions and intense pain came rushing back at me as they awoken. I kept saying to myself, “NOT AGAIN, WHY DID I LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN" I tried to hide my darkness away. This feeling is the same feeling I had for those many years where I loved her, all hit me at once. The feeling of losing my best friend, hit me again. These hits are extremely dangerous for my health. He slowly started disappearing more and more. And then he moved far for college. I realized this one thing, we 2 are completely different people. He grew up in a total complete environment than I had. It was normal to move on and make new friends, to depart from older ones. He is a missionary, he is used to it, he in fact, is great at not attaching to anything other than his family (which he told me a few times way before). It's completely normal for him to move on. I see, I tried to have something again which I couldn't. I sound so desperate. I sound like a annoying emotional wreck. I understand fully. I never told him and never will. I wish he could have been my friend, my best friend but he had one flaw as a friend, which I don't hold against him, but he moves on quite quickly. We still are friends, but just friends that might talk ever so rarely on a blue moon. During this whole time, I tried my best to be a great person. I really did, I poured my heart and soul, and I don't regret it. As long as they were happy and I had the chance to experience what it was like to live once again… But then there was that other person he introduced me to, the girl. I really didn't mind her at first and she did the same. We were only school friends through the guy. But she had a similar affection that he emitted, she was fun, very fun to be around with. Without the three of us, it wouldn't feel complete at school. Eventually, we three started hanging out at the guys house. Both of their parents/families are extremely close, like one family, so this was perfectly normal for them. These whole times that I met these people, I learned and mentally copied down how these families worked so perfectly, so flawlessly compared to my family. The one answer that can cover from all these notes is “unconditional love” for one another. It truly is a amazing sight to see that, something I wish that I had as well. But I still was somewhat of a outsider, a random guy who came out of the blue, into these people lives. The best way I was accepted and adored by, were by my jokes and friendly personality. I always came bearing gifts and they would like me (and their families as well). Eventually, I got to know her a bit more just in time before the guy friend started being more introverted and antisocial. I was not a social media person at all, I hated the whole social media trends and how social media started breaking up Christianity more and more so I never really went into it. But the only way I could talk to these people was through social media, especially her. Without the social media, I would definitely be alone in the darkness again. So I started being more social because of her mostly, it's a process that I know takes time to build up trust with someone but for me, I know it was bound to work. Through text, I always knew what to say. And then we became just as good as friends as I did with him. This was around the time where I was plunged into the darkness after he left. Eventually, we slowly and slowly started to hang out, started to get to know each other a bit better. Me, I never told anyone about my past, I was always mysterious with her and the guy. My ethnic background was my solid ground for my jokes to hold a bond and connection with them, they adored it. But the more I got to know her, the more I started to see similarities of a pain she was in. Thankfully, by God's grace, it was nothing like my background but her grief led to similar griefs as mine. So I really started to get interested in her, how could someone in such a great family, great community, great support suffer such similar consequences from different actions? As my mental state started to take a toll on me, I became sloppy. I started mentioning some of my griefs as well, but not their causes. We both talk and talk, and we start being more open. Really, I hate it when I am vulnerable. This tough shell, this fake side I put up just for them to like me was slowly starting to crack and leak some information about myself. All I wanted to do was feel the love I never had growing up, have really good friends, and maybe to help me learn from them how it is to live a life as theirs. It might seem like obsession, this friendship, but it isn't. I don't want to be selfish and fill their minds with such a scary dark place I have been. I didn't want to scare them away. I know that sounds selfish of me to help others, like them, but not ask for help in return but I try to be 100% safe. But my mental state, or whatever illness I may have is starting to take a psychological toll on me. This gift has a price, a terrible price. But it also has a great outcome for others. A few of my friends know that I am “going though things” but it's only things, everyone goes through things so it's normal, that's my alibi if someone starts to really question. But with her, I started to open up a bit. Bit by bit. She doesn't understand why I am like this, so do I to be honest. She is worried, and she's right, but I don't want her to be. She knows nothing of detail, of my past that I haven't told anyone yet, only things that others know already like my friends death or growing up with foreign parents is hard. But nothing of explicit detail, she knows my guilt but not why. It's all caused by my past, of course, but the way that I started to grow dysfunctionally even confuses me of how I really am. The other worst thing is, she is leaving as well. Maybe that's why I was breaking, eventually the day would come, but this quick? These emotions take time to develop over the years, but then everything started hitting me again. Sadness, desperation, etc. This is really bad for my health. I would probably have to hide again in the shadows, I didn't grab the light yet as I mentioned earlier, so I wouldn't be as affected if I had to return to my dark area in life. Otherwise, if I reached the light and grabbed it, it would take me so far up but eventually, like now, it would forcefully disappear. The scary part is the higher you go, the further you fall. The more painful it is. While I was being friends with her and talked to her. I started thinking more about her. During the time, I grew to love her. Here's the thing, I already know the difference between love and lust. I stay away from lust as much as possible. But I don't know the difference between love and the love of being that family I always wanted to grow up in. For short words, I guess you can say she is like a sister to me. But she isn't my blood… is this the same love my brother had for the family that kind of took him in??? I can't tell… even worse, I fear that she would become like that girl I so loved dearly where she reminds me now only of heartache and dreadfulness. She is leaving, even further than my guy friend, to the other side of the world maybe… now, that's a new terrible experience to feel right now… I understand and want the best for her, really, I do. But why does all of this separation come at the best and worst times?! I hate my life, every other reason to act as Job from Job 3:11 … She wants to know why I seem so weird and emotional because those cracks are becoming more fluid like waterfalls. I am saying more guilts and she might be worried. But she says that I can trust her and that she loves me like a brother. She probably does hate seeing me like this and she wants to know only if I am ready to tell her. If yes, then I link her to this blog, if not, then I torture myself even more. But I have to stay away from people, why did I come to people in the first place, because I heard that voice in class to meet him? I am afraid if I make the wrong choice, I don't know if this is the Devils work to make me suffer this pain or God's mercy to a inevitable outcome, that I am not 100% sure of, that could somehow miraculously help me. But as said way before, I rather suffer 12+ Years of Severe Depression rather than risking another worthy humans life because of my past… I do not know…
2/25/18
Right now, the girl I am friends with is slowly starting to become what I see when I look at the other girl every Sunday. I can't take it anymore, and I can't do anything about it! The only thing that can eventually help is time. I haven't felt this maximum miserable feeling for a long time, it's been going on for a little over a month now. I can't concentrate at all in school, I dropped out of a class. God, I wish you can end it all and give me peace, just euthanize me already. I can't even cry anymore or show physical outer emotion anymore, even if I do, my tears are not salty which I find very disturbing. I recently started a Instagram and people post really nice pictures of themselves there, conservative but beautiful. I looked at her photos once for the first time and immediately threw my phone out. A intense pain hit me in the heart. I can't look at these photos of her, it makes me more miserable. I realized, when I looked at these photos, that this is something I can't have, something I don't deserve. Love. Growing up, I learned that being attached to something or liking something would eventually be taken away to hurt. So right now, everything I like or love to do becomes my motivation to not like it anymore. It cancels out with itself. It happens by force, I can't control it. Love is the main one with that problem, I want to love but my body declines it in every way. Even if I really like something like a event or doing something special or doing some hobbies of mine become dead and obsolete to me. Eventually regret takes a toll but being there, doing something special to me, becomes another burden with my thoughts torturing me. I hate what I became.
Now, all I do is lay in bed. Sometimes I just stare outside and think. My thoughts haunt me, I look like someone you would see in a asylum in my room. I'm on my phone trying to hangout with her so I can try to feel better. But it's very rare to try to get that to work. All that works is talking to her through social media. That's my highlight of the day, each day. I don't want to seem desperate or awkward but if she reads this, she might understand me or straight up cut out our friendship. I also don't want her to know, I don't want her to worry and have a burden because of me. Yet, I want help, I need help. I feel like I'm dying legitimately. I believe some disease or something will have me life threatening. I just want to die in peace knowing I will go to heaven. But I need to overcome this first before anything. I know that in order to be get to heaven, you need to be cleansed, right now, I'm stained.
My birthday is coming up, I hate it so much. It just reminds me of another year of torture and how long I've been struggling. The only reason why I'm looking forward to it this one time is just so that's it's another excuse to be with my dear friend(s). They don't know my birthday is coming up yet, I don't want them to get me anything. But I will just try to tell them on that day so we can plan something hopefully. I'm so desperate but I don't make it obvious to the people around me. Which is a good thing I guess. My eating schedule is terrible, sometimes I won't eat the whole day, I'm not hungry. But I know I need to eat because I would feel weak and nauseous if I don't. I would eat a very small plate of food throughout the day and have milk to hydrate myself. Food makes me want to vomit and the feeling of hunger satisfies me. These are just the other things that are apart of my burden right now. I know I said a lot, maybe too much but I'm just dumping everything out. Laying everything on the table. There's more but my memory is failing me.
I might post later about the other things in life that trouble me, right now, almost just as much as this rebuttal with myself.
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