- Sep 20, 2017
- 1
- 3
- 50
- Country
- United Kingdom
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Married
Hi all
Wanted to share what happened to me yesterday, possibly as part of my attempt to make sense of it...
First, a bit of background. I was brought up in a home where religion was more of something on the periphery - my mother believed, my father didn’t. We went to church for important events - Easter, Christmas, the special harvest and Christingle services... but I think it’s fair to say we didn’t make it a regular part of our lives.
As I grew up and went to Uni, the Church became less and less important to me. And then when my mother developed melanoma in her late 40s, that was pretty much the final straw with regards to my belief. Ironically, just as I firmly turned my back on all aspects of spirituality and religion, my mother, in her last few months, turned to the church for succour and comfort, with regular visits from the village vicar.
That was 15 years ago. I’m now in my 40s with a wife, two children, two dogs, two cats, two cars, a mortgage... and it’s fair to say that we are an agnostic family.
Now, onto what happened yesterday. I woke up early, as usual, for my 2 hour commute to work down the motorway. The only thing unusual about the morning was that it was very foggy - it’s definitely feeling more autumnal...
Halfway down the motorway, I switched from the radio to Spotify, and stuck on one of the playlists which update regularly - I think it was “Viral Hits”. The third song in was very clearly a contemporary Christian song (Peace Be Still, for those of you who want to know). I remember thinking how odd it was to find a religious song on a general playlist, but liked the tune, so left it on.
And then something quite odd happened. During the song, as I continued driving in the fog, I started to feel different. My vision seemed clearer (no, before you ask, the fog was just as bad as ever!). I felt warm, like I was in some kind of hug. And my chest... the only thing I could think of was Dr Seuss’ The Grinch - you know, the bit where his “small heart grew three sizes that day”. I just felt fuller - more air in my lungs, more clarity, more alive...
And I also had a sudden realisation in my head and heart that I had been wrong. It was like there was a voice in my head saying “of course He is real. He’s been here all along”.
I went through the day feeling comfort, warmth and security - things that would normally phase me didn’t (well, not so much). And although the physical feeling has eased off a bit, I still feel more alive and connected than I can ever remember. And I can’t figure out what made me not believe, or, to be totally honest, to inwardly mock people who did.
So I’m now trying to make sense of everything. It’s a big change for me. I feel so much happier in myself already. But there are doubts in my mind. I remember not enjoying going to church as a child, so I have some wariness of trying out a new church where I live now. I don’t know how to even broach this with my wife, who will almost certainly think I’ve gone mad. I don’t want this feeling to go. I don’t want to waste this - at risk of sounding a bit corny, it feels like I’ve been given the most amazing gift. But at the same time, it fundamentally changes who I am. Well, maybe not fundamentally - I think I’ve been a generally good person - but it’s certainly a step change from before.
This is such an unexpected thing - has anyone else experienced anything similar, or has any advice/thoughts?
Wanted to share what happened to me yesterday, possibly as part of my attempt to make sense of it...
First, a bit of background. I was brought up in a home where religion was more of something on the periphery - my mother believed, my father didn’t. We went to church for important events - Easter, Christmas, the special harvest and Christingle services... but I think it’s fair to say we didn’t make it a regular part of our lives.
As I grew up and went to Uni, the Church became less and less important to me. And then when my mother developed melanoma in her late 40s, that was pretty much the final straw with regards to my belief. Ironically, just as I firmly turned my back on all aspects of spirituality and religion, my mother, in her last few months, turned to the church for succour and comfort, with regular visits from the village vicar.
That was 15 years ago. I’m now in my 40s with a wife, two children, two dogs, two cats, two cars, a mortgage... and it’s fair to say that we are an agnostic family.
Now, onto what happened yesterday. I woke up early, as usual, for my 2 hour commute to work down the motorway. The only thing unusual about the morning was that it was very foggy - it’s definitely feeling more autumnal...
Halfway down the motorway, I switched from the radio to Spotify, and stuck on one of the playlists which update regularly - I think it was “Viral Hits”. The third song in was very clearly a contemporary Christian song (Peace Be Still, for those of you who want to know). I remember thinking how odd it was to find a religious song on a general playlist, but liked the tune, so left it on.
And then something quite odd happened. During the song, as I continued driving in the fog, I started to feel different. My vision seemed clearer (no, before you ask, the fog was just as bad as ever!). I felt warm, like I was in some kind of hug. And my chest... the only thing I could think of was Dr Seuss’ The Grinch - you know, the bit where his “small heart grew three sizes that day”. I just felt fuller - more air in my lungs, more clarity, more alive...
And I also had a sudden realisation in my head and heart that I had been wrong. It was like there was a voice in my head saying “of course He is real. He’s been here all along”.
I went through the day feeling comfort, warmth and security - things that would normally phase me didn’t (well, not so much). And although the physical feeling has eased off a bit, I still feel more alive and connected than I can ever remember. And I can’t figure out what made me not believe, or, to be totally honest, to inwardly mock people who did.
So I’m now trying to make sense of everything. It’s a big change for me. I feel so much happier in myself already. But there are doubts in my mind. I remember not enjoying going to church as a child, so I have some wariness of trying out a new church where I live now. I don’t know how to even broach this with my wife, who will almost certainly think I’ve gone mad. I don’t want this feeling to go. I don’t want to waste this - at risk of sounding a bit corny, it feels like I’ve been given the most amazing gift. But at the same time, it fundamentally changes who I am. Well, maybe not fundamentally - I think I’ve been a generally good person - but it’s certainly a step change from before.
This is such an unexpected thing - has anyone else experienced anything similar, or has any advice/thoughts?
