God is still to be found for You. I don't know if you've read about the Prodigal Son? I will copy and paste it in here for you to read:
Luke 15:11-32New King James Version (NKJV)
The Parable of the Lost Son
11 Then He said: “A certain man had two sons. 12 And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood. 13 And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal living. 14 But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. 15 Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. 16 And he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything.
17 “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! 18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, 19 and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.”’
20 “And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. 21 And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Bringa]">[a] out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. 23 And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; 24 for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.
25 “Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. 27 And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’
28 “But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him. 29 So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. 30 But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’
31 “And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. 32 It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’”
Your situation os much of the same as the one of the prodigal son. Even though he decided going out into the world leaving his home behind and wasting everything he got from his father, his father never gave up on Him. He hoped for him to be coming back home someday, and when he did his father received him with great joy and love. This is also how it is with God; No matter how much we may mess up sometimes, fail or turn away from God for a period or so, still He waits and hopes for us to come back to Him again. God is faithful and loving, and He also knows of our shortcomings... also have in mind that He is merciful too.
To me it seemes like you are being convicted by the Holy Spirit; You are being made aware of not having lived a life with God the way you should have, and now He is calling you back again to Him. He wants you to repent for your sins and get a restored faith in Him again, as well as get back living a life given over to Him. He will forgive you, so just do what you know is right to do now, and have faith in You being called back by a loving Father who misses you greatly, and wishes to continue building up that relationship between you and Him. He loves you! Just have faith in Him! *Hugs*
You are still aware of your faults and do seem to have a little bit of hope or wish for wanting to walk and be with God?
