Struggling with taking my life

Psalm 38King James Version (KJV)
38 O Lord, rebuke me not in thy wrath: neither chasten me in thy hot displeasure.

2 For thine arrows stick fast in me, and thy hand presseth me sore.

3 There is no soundness in my flesh because of thine anger; neither is there any rest in my bones because of my sin.

4 For mine iniquities are gone over mine head: as an heavy burden they are too heavy for me.

5 My wounds stink and are corrupt because of my foolishness.

6 I am troubled; I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long.

7 For my loins are filled with a loathsome disease: and there is no soundness in my flesh.

8 I am feeble and sore broken: I have roared by reason of the disquietness of my heart.

9 Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee.

10 My heart panteth, my strength faileth me: as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me.

11 My lovers and my friends stand aloof from my sore; and my kinsmen stand afar off.

12 They also that seek after my life lay snares for me: and they that seek my hurt speak mischievous things, and imagine deceits all the day long.

13 But I, as a deaf man, heard not; and I was as a dumb man that openeth not his mouth.

14 Thus I was as a man that heareth not, and in whose mouth are no reproofs.

15 For in thee, O Lord, do I hope: thou wilt hear, O Lord my God.

16 For I said, Hear me, lest otherwise they should rejoice over me: when my foot slippeth, they magnify themselves against me.

17 For I am ready to halt, and my sorrow is continually before me.

18 For I will declare mine iniquity; I will be sorry for my sin.

19 But mine enemies are lively, and they are strong: and they that hate me wrongfully are multiplied.

20 They also that render evil for good are mine adversaries; because I follow the thing that good is.

21 Forsake me not, O Lord: O my God, be not far from me.

22 Make haste to help me, O Lord my salvation.

King James Version (KJV)
Public Domain

Matthew Henry Commentary
38:1-11 Nothing will disquiet the heart of a good man so much as the sense of God's anger. The way to keep the heart quiet, is to keep ourselves in the love of God. But a sense of guilt is too heavy to bear; and would sink men into despair and ruin, unless removed by the pardoning mercy of God. If there were not sin in our souls, there would be no pain in our bones, no illness in our bodies. The guilt of sin is a burden to the whole creation, which groans under it. It will be a burden to the sinners themselves, when they are heavy-laden under it, or a burden of ruin, when it sinks them to hell. When we perceive our true condition, the Good Physician will be valued, sought, and obeyed. Yet many let their wounds rankle, because they delay to go to their merciful Friend. When, at any time, we are distempered in our bodies, we ought to remember how God has been dishonoured in and by our bodies. The groanings which cannot be uttered, are not hid from Him that searches the heart, and knows the mind of the Spirit. David, in his troubles, was a type of Christ in his agonies, of Christ on his cross, suffering and deserted.

Nisa said:

I really don't see a reason to live. I struggle with sin and I can't see a way out. I read so many things about how to overcome it but I fail. I doubt that I am even saved. John said that if you remain in sin, you don't belong to God. I know this and I still fail. Afterwards I have panic attacks and I feel so miserably,but I deserve them. I also deserve being depressed from childhood,struggling with anxiety so much and with other things. I succeed at keeping people far from me because I isolate myself and when I need someone near me of course I am alone because nobody can stand near such a burden. I am so scared that God will also leave me because I dissapoint him and I am so scared I will have to live without faith and without God. I would rather go crazy than to be tormented by this thoughts .

Click to expand...

My dear sister you are talking about your sin and not about God's forgiving grace - this is why you are hurting so badly.

Now instead of looking at your sin look at Jesus Christ dying for you on that accursed cross to pay the price and see if love and thankfulness take over from guilt, shame and fear.

I struggled with one sin for 45 years before I finally overcame it in the Lord. 45 years of failing, 45 years of learning to trust in His grace and love Him more than my sin. It was an epic battle but so worth it.

The trick is not to believe the accuser - your guilty conscience accusing you - playing god in your inner world - but he is no god but a creep not to be trusted and believed. Instead of eating shame, guilt and fear eat grace. Each time you fall eat grace. Keep eating grace!!! Never stop eating grace. Eat it until the willful sinner within you dies to wanting to sin, then you have won. When the lawless one in this part of you has been revealed then Jesus will come and cut him/her down and set you free. Such might take years, but be of good courage, calling out to Jesus will always save you no matter how often you sin. 70x7=490 times a day you may fall and go back to Jesus and say sorry and find grace.

So please never give up but keep fighting! Not to try and stop sinning in your own ability but to learn to become thankful and loving in that part of your life until sin dies and you are free again.

Be of good courage.

Oh honey, we are ALL sinners. Some sins are just more out in the open than others. The book of 1 John says that if we say we have no sin, we are lying to ourselves. Confessing our sins and asking forgiveness is something we need to be doing all the time. And 1 John says also that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness.

And how many times will He forgive us? Countless! Not just 70 times 7, but even more than that. His mercy is much greater than our inadequacy.

God looks for humble hearts and loves humility. But note that humility is not the same as humiliation. It doesn't please Him to see us beating ourselves up over our sins. He wants us to be sorry, but then to trust in His grace and mercy. Sometimes we have no other option than to cry out, "Lord, I can't do this!" and ask Him to do what we can't. He will find a way if we are patient and trust Him.

A prayer that has been very helpful to many people in times of great distress is the Jesus Prayer: "Lord Jesus, son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

God loves you so much more than you can imagine. He wants to put His arms around you and show you how much He loves you, but it is difficult for Him to do that if you're turning away from Him in shame.

I had a vision many years ago that was very helpful for me. In the vision, I was in a great temple, hoping to see God. But then I realized I would be too ashamed to let Him see me, because I was dressed in filthy rags. Then Jesus came and put a beautiful white robe around me. It covered up all my filthiness and I realized that I could meet God then without shame.

That's truly what Jesus did for us. God doesn't see your sin, He sees the righteousness of His beloved Son when He looks at you.

Please hang in there and don't give up! I'm sending cyberhugs and prayers your way.

Nisa said:

I really don't see a reason to live. I struggle with sin and I can't see a way out. I read so many things about how to overcome it but I fail. I doubt that I am even saved. John said that if you remain in sin, you don't belong to God. I know this and I still fail. Afterwards I have panic attacks and I feel so miserably,but I deserve them. I also deserve being depressed from childhood,struggling with anxiety so much and with other things. I succeed at keeping people far from me because I isolate myself and when I need someone near me of course I am alone because nobody can stand near such a burden. I am so scared that God will also leave me because I dissapoint him and I am so scared I will have to live without faith and without God. I would rather go crazy than to be tormented by this thoughts .

Click to expand...

Dear sister,

If it helps, the verses Judy is referring to are 1 John 1:8-9, and verse 9 is a wonderful universal promise; you can use it as many times as you need to, and he is faithful and will forgive you and purify you each and every time.

I first came to the Lord on the verge of suicide myself. My wife had left with our daughter, and I was at home alone and in more pain that I had ever experienced in my life. I had no idea that it was possible for a person to suffer that much. I was seriously considering suicide just as a way to end the pain.

As I was on the verge of taking action, it came to me that I had a choice. I could indeed take my own life -- or I could give my life into God's hands. Now, I had never understood the message of salvation through Jesus before, but in that moment, I was feeling the full weight of my sins. I had never done anything truly bad by human standards, but I knew in the depths of my soul that I was a sinner and had failed to love as I'd ought and deserved only to be tortured in Hell.

I also realized in that moment that my life was not really mine to take; it was God's. If he wanted to send me to Hell to be eternally tortured, it was his right, and it was what I deserved. If he wanted to do something else -- anything at all -- that, too, was his right, but I knew that I did not deserve his forgiveness, so I did not ask for it.

What I ended up doing was giving my life entirely and unreservedly into his hands, to do with as he wished. I did not ask for or expect mercy or forgiveness -- I had no right. I had been brought completely low, not even able to raise my head, and I was willing to accept whatever punishment he deemed appropriate.

Not long after formally giving my life into his hands, I felt a message, "Seek, and you will find." This began a two-month search, at the end of which the holy spirit of Jesus came to me, and all the intense pain I had been suffering for months was gone instantaneously. And this began a long journey that continues to this day, with him as a constant companion. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to have him with me.

I do not know why he has forgiven me and shown mercy on me. Well, actually, I do, and it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his grace.

I am still a sinner, and in this life I always will be. But 1 John 1:9 is always available for when the holy spirit impresses on me that I have sinned in some way. God's forgiveness and purification are wonderful; there is practically nothing better than being clean before our Father, which I could never do without Jesus and his sacrifice for me.

Dear sister, our Father can and will do the same for you if you will give your life into his hands (if you haven't already). And by this you may know for certain that you have been saved: Romans 10:9-10. If you are able to confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart (not just in your mind) that God raised him from the dead, then you may rest assured that you are saved, now and forever, that he is with you, and that he will never leave you, ever. Deuteronomy 31:6 and Matthew 28:20.

Please let us know if we can help further!

In Christ,
Daryl

Nisa said:

I really don't see a reason to live. I struggle with sin and I can't see a way out. I read so many things about how to overcome it but I fail. I doubt that I am even saved. John said that if you remain in sin, you don't belong to God. I know this and I still fail. Afterwards I have panic attacks and I feel so miserably,but I deserve them. I also deserve being depressed from childhood,struggling with anxiety so much and with other things. I succeed at keeping people far from me because I isolate myself and when I need someone near me of course I am alone because nobody can stand near such a burden. I am so scared that God will also leave me because I dissapoint him and I am so scared I will have to live without faith and without God. I would rather go crazy than to be tormented by this thoughts .

Click to expand...

I struggle with wanting to commit suicide too, and for the past couple of years I dwell on the thoughts of how I hate myself for how I've hurt others. I've been struggling with thinking that i will go to hell when I die too. My brother brought up the verse that has already been mentioned, how if you truly believe that Jesus was raised from the dead, then you are saved. Like has also been said here already, everyone sins. The only one who never sinned was Jesus. I struggle with thinking that God will only forgive me as much as I forgive others, so i've tried to be more forgiving and have forgotten most of the things I used to feel hurt by, but I've come to the conclusion that at some point, past our striving to do good, that we can only be saved by grace, because we all fall short of the glory of God. If you really want purpose in life, then live to spread the gospel as was the Great Commission, and help others as much as you can. I fail at both of those things, but I'm hoping that I will do better in the future eventually. i live because of my family and because I don't want to disappoint God by committing suicide. It says in the Bible that those that draw close to God God draws close to. Even Paul talked about the thorn in his side, that he asked God to get rid of but didn't, and I interpret that to be sin that he couldn't stop doing.

Thank you for the update, dear sister.

If it helps, I can tell you that God does not need to punish those who are in him; this is what 1 John 4:18 is about. He does, however, discipline us: Hebrews 12:5-11. There is sometimes some overlap between the two (even in Hebrews 12:5), but my understanding in the holy spirit is that punishment is done in anger, but discipline is done in love.

He does not ask you to leave any particular sin through your own strength; he knows that our own strength is not sufficient. We are only flawed humans, and it was he himself who created us with the flaws that we have. This is why he tells us that the only thing he asks us to do is to believe in Jesus: John 6:29, Mark 5:36, and Luke 8:50.

He also tells us that he himself began a good work in us and will be faithful to complete it: Philippians 1:6. He himself will deliver you from this sin you struggle with at the moment he has chosen to do so. Until that time, he knows deeply your struggle, but he is asking you to go through it and trust in him, because through the struggle he is producing changes in your heart, soul, and character. James 1:2-4. In the future, you may perhaps even be able to help and provide comfort for those who struggle as you are struggling now.

I am thankful that you have made it through another night, and I pray that this next night -- and all future nights -- be times of great peace for you as you rest in the arms of Jesus, secure in the knowledge that he loves you. 1 Peter 5:7.

In Christ,
Daryl

If I should need to be perfect I would fail. I cannot be happy with sin yet I am imperfect. I try my best yet am still imperfect. My hope is in Gods mercy.

I was tortured with thoughts of hell, but then I realized there is no point to living in fear, because it wont change anything. I accept my fate, and hope in Gods mercy. His mercy is the air I breath.

I don't have all the answers, but I will fight the fight of faith. If I fail I will keep trying till I draw my last breath, and will never stop hoping in His mercy.

Fear may come, but I will hold my shield of faith against its fiery arrows. I will hold Gods grace against my fear, on his scale of Justice. May his mercy outweigh my fear.

In case you may not have read them, Romans 7:13-25 and the entirety of Romans 8 discuss in some detail our human struggle with sin in our minds and flesh vs. the desire to follow God's law in our hearts and spirits.

The bad news and the good news are both summarized in Romans 7:24-25, and Romans 8 goes on to say "There is therefore now no condemnation...", how the holy spirit aids us in our struggle, and the fact that *nothing* can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord.

Very important and relevant, even if you have seen them before.

In Christ,
Daryl

We are not supposed to live like scared animals, worshiping the power of our sin and trembling before it, as if our own doings have more power than Christ. We are all sinners. This is not just a saying, it's reality. None of us are completely "pure". And that's why Christ came, to take our sins. He is not an angry tormentor waiting for us to fail, He is a savior.

Think about what Paul said in Romans:

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

That's the struggle. We know what is good, but we often fail to do it. We also often know what's bad, and we fail to resist it. It's stated that "it is the sin living in me that does it", implying that it's no longer him and that spiritually he doesn't want to do it. Think about the sinner who prayed after the pharisee. He knew He was a sinner, and Christ liked his prayer. Think about the criminal Christ forgave at the cross. Think about the people who crucified Jesus, because Christ prayed for them too.

Why would Christ want us to forgive each other? Does He just want me to forgive someone for my sake? Then what about the one who sinned against me, is he now doomed? And by forgiving him/her I am now just using him/her to save myself? No, Christ wants us to love each other for all our sake. Seventy times seven means "as many times as it takes".

Think about what is good. Love, hope, faith. Where are those things when we are afraid of God, like He is a monster out to get us? Where is hope then? Where is love and hope, when we want to kill ourselves to escape our own fears? Where is faith, if we only believe in our sins? That leads to a road we can't handle. It's a road of our own actions, where we try to "earn" something from God. If grace is given, it cannot be earned. And if we try to earn it, we will break under the weight. We cannot handle it. We will take on burden after burden, and we're afraid, broken and truly slaves.

But Christ wants to take these burdens away. Give that burden of fear to Him, and He will give you freedom. That freedom is this: we can be relieved by just believing in Him to take our sins, to truly be the savior. We can love freely and gladly, because we believe we were loved first. We can forgive people more easily, because we believe we were forgiven first. This is the road that doesn't beat us to death, and it makes everything good grow. If we do something good, it is not out of fear, but out of hope. If we do something bad, we know where to go - to Christ. Again and again, humbled and reminded that we cannot be perfect and that we should look up to Him. When we travel that road, we believe that God is truly love, and not a tormentor. We can breathe, instead of choking in our own fears and rules.

Christ is always a better God than my own fears. Don't mistake excruciating fear and anxiety for God. Said a prayer for you. I hope you continue to get professional help as well.

Nisa said:

I know that God is forgiving, but still, the bible clearly states we must obey him and flee sin.

Click to expand...

Yes, it does, and this is an ongoing process. We don't just make up our minds not to sin any more and then live happily and perfectly ever after. We still have to struggle with this flesh and our human inclinations.

Jesus said that He would never leave or forsake us. Do you believe this? God doesn't abandon us when we sin. Yes, we might disappoint Him, but He doesn't leave us. Jesus is our intercessor, and He knows what it's like to be tempted. And He was the only one who was 100% successful at resisting temptation.

Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness. Abraham wasn't perfect. Neither were all the other people mentioned in the Bible, except Jesus. David sinned grievously by committing adultery and then having the woman's husband murdered. And yet God said David was a man after His own heart.

I suggest focusing on love, because love casts out fear. Ask God to show you His love, and to help you love Him more so that you don't need to be afraid any more. Love fulfills all the law and covers a multitude of sins. (These are Scriptures, and I'm sorry not to take time now to look them up and tell you where they are, but I can find them for you later if you wish.)

You are in my thoughts and prayers, dear one.

Daryl Gleason said:

I also realized in that moment that my life was not really mine to take; it was God's. If he wanted to send me to Hell to be eternally tortured, it was his right, and it was what I deserved. If he wanted to do something else -- anything at all -- that, too, was his right, but I knew that I did not deserve his forgiveness, so I did not ask for it.

What I ended up doing was giving my life entirely and unreservedly into his hands, to do with as he wished. I did not ask for or expect mercy or forgiveness -- I had no right. I had been brought completely low, not even able to raise my head, and I was willing to accept whatever punishment he deemed appropriate.

Not long after formally giving my life into his hands, I felt a message, "Seek, and you will find." This began a two-month search, at the end of which the holy spirit of Jesus came to me, and all the intense pain I had been suffering for months was gone instantaneously. And this began a long journey that continues to this day, with him as a constant companion. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to have him with me.

Click to expand...

That is a wonderful testimony, Daryl!

JudyH said:

That is a wonderful testimony, Daryl!

Click to expand...

Thank you, Judy. I only hope that it may be found to be helpful.

In Christ,
Daryl