I've tried and tried and tried and I still can't experience what seems to be necessary in order to be saved.
There was a post tgat brought me to this sight, I believe in the thread Exploring Christianity titled "no conviction of sin" and so far it has been the closest to what I've been going through more than any other story I've yet witnessed.
For nine months I've been stuck on this merry go round. But what I've learned is God tends to be more silent with our family than any other. And though I'm not saying He is not good; for someone who is pretty sure they're not saved and practically impatiently waiting for the One Being who can change me, it sometimes is very frustrating.
To start with i have a lack of true repentance. Meaning, I repent of my lying, stealing, violence, and lustful thoughts.....and then the next day I'm doing it again wishing I hadn't. I sin. And i sin. And i sin again. The same sins too. Now i know for sure that we will all slip up from time to time but my sinning is not like that. Ipray that God will take my desire and want to sin away from me but...it's still there. And though I confess and say I'm sorry I'm pretty sure I'll do something like it again tomorrow. I so wish He would make me feel guilty or ashamed when i sin...not this petty "Oh I just sinned....mm...oh well. Better apologize" kind of process. It's really hard to consider yourself a Christian when you do things like that.
I wish that my mental thoughts would stop reversing everything over back to the "salvation through works" process. I wish the song that goes "lead me to the cross." applied to me but I cannot seem to get that hey; IM A NO GOOD SINNER and I REALLY NEED A SAVIOR and I CAN'T SAVE MYSELF but JESUS CAN; but i never seem to make that heartfelt. So i pray God changes me and....I...wait...
I pray for faith...oh my word i pray for faith so much. But when I address my problems to another believer the automatic response is "well are you saved?" And when i say no it instantaneously goes back to repent and believe.
My heart seems to be so hardhearted I get messed up on what believe means....I guess I trust what the Bible says about Jesus but when i follow through the "Confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in you heart God raised Him from the dead" I don't witness much change in me and I go over everything again and again and again and again..... recently i wrote this prayer:
Coiling and uncoiling, I feel like mt sinful self is coiling over my heart. I'm more and more sinking back into watching tv more than praying and focusing less on God when I don't really want to. I wish He'd give me some wake-up call in my heart...like a jumpstart that could keep me wrapped around His Word and focusing on Him daily but......It's just not like that now. I had a fear once that all of this was just a fad. Like a trend. Like any moment I'll find something "better" to do and drop all of this and it's starting to feel like it's coming about. Please help me?
There was a post tgat brought me to this sight, I believe in the thread Exploring Christianity titled "no conviction of sin" and so far it has been the closest to what I've been going through more than any other story I've yet witnessed.
For nine months I've been stuck on this merry go round. But what I've learned is God tends to be more silent with our family than any other. And though I'm not saying He is not good; for someone who is pretty sure they're not saved and practically impatiently waiting for the One Being who can change me, it sometimes is very frustrating.
To start with i have a lack of true repentance. Meaning, I repent of my lying, stealing, violence, and lustful thoughts.....and then the next day I'm doing it again wishing I hadn't. I sin. And i sin. And i sin again. The same sins too. Now i know for sure that we will all slip up from time to time but my sinning is not like that. Ipray that God will take my desire and want to sin away from me but...it's still there. And though I confess and say I'm sorry I'm pretty sure I'll do something like it again tomorrow. I so wish He would make me feel guilty or ashamed when i sin...not this petty "Oh I just sinned....mm...oh well. Better apologize" kind of process. It's really hard to consider yourself a Christian when you do things like that.
I wish that my mental thoughts would stop reversing everything over back to the "salvation through works" process. I wish the song that goes "lead me to the cross." applied to me but I cannot seem to get that hey; IM A NO GOOD SINNER and I REALLY NEED A SAVIOR and I CAN'T SAVE MYSELF but JESUS CAN; but i never seem to make that heartfelt. So i pray God changes me and....I...wait...
I pray for faith...oh my word i pray for faith so much. But when I address my problems to another believer the automatic response is "well are you saved?" And when i say no it instantaneously goes back to repent and believe.
My heart seems to be so hardhearted I get messed up on what believe means....I guess I trust what the Bible says about Jesus but when i follow through the "Confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in you heart God raised Him from the dead" I don't witness much change in me and I go over everything again and again and again and again..... recently i wrote this prayer:
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please, for today, I pray that You hear and answer my call. Please, Father, forgive me of my sins. I say these things in the name of Lord Jesus Christ and ask You to forgive me of my sins. Lord, I pray on behalf of my father, who is not in a good place right now. He screams and yells and swears as well as takes Your Name in vain. I'm upset with him but I pray that You help him to get through the bad he's been going through. And God, I pray for my heart. Please, break it, change it, mend it, and heal it, God. I don't feel changed. Take this bitter heart of mine and make it new. Show me what sin does to You, Lord. I say I repent but the next day I commit the same sin without knowing and sometimes knowing. How much longer shall this go on? Take my desire to sin away from me, Lord. Every single ounce of it. Bring me to my knees in repentance. Lord...Your ways are not apparent to me. It seems like You're not answering me and has worn me out trying to convince myself to pray to You without ceasing. Please bring my heart back around to joyously pray without ceasing. Bring me to ultimate shame when I search for excuses not to. Lord please give me faith and belief. Help open my eyes to see Your Glory and let it seap into my heart. Please, I want to build trust in You. Wipe away the uncertainty and disbelief that screams at me that I do not want anything to do with You. Break that chain in me and deliver me Lord. Renew the desire to read Your Word in my heart. Drive me every single day to read it. Give me hope and the desire to search for You, cos' Lord I am so weak. When I wake please remind me of Your Presence. Keep me focused on You throughout this distractful day. Keep my heart and head on high for You. Leave me rendered focused and centered around You. Lord, please make Yourself the center point of my life. Take any compulsion to listen to secular music away from me if it displeases You. Do as You wish with me Lord but do not cast me into the fire. Leave me burning for You, God. And turn my focus and mindset to Jesus. Help my heart accept Him in what He did and take away any doubts of Him. Take away the temptations of salvation through works Lord. Help me realize in my heart of my incapabilities. Help me surrender all my heart to You. Embroid the loathing of sin into my heart God, so I shall never desire to sin again. Help me turn from my sins of lust, lying, stealing, and violence. I've sinned against You so many times Lord. Please forgive me. Help me stand in faith and repentance, true faith and true repentance, as Your Child God. And I say all these things in Your name and in Jesus's name
Amen.
Please, for today, I pray that You hear and answer my call. Please, Father, forgive me of my sins. I say these things in the name of Lord Jesus Christ and ask You to forgive me of my sins. Lord, I pray on behalf of my father, who is not in a good place right now. He screams and yells and swears as well as takes Your Name in vain. I'm upset with him but I pray that You help him to get through the bad he's been going through. And God, I pray for my heart. Please, break it, change it, mend it, and heal it, God. I don't feel changed. Take this bitter heart of mine and make it new. Show me what sin does to You, Lord. I say I repent but the next day I commit the same sin without knowing and sometimes knowing. How much longer shall this go on? Take my desire to sin away from me, Lord. Every single ounce of it. Bring me to my knees in repentance. Lord...Your ways are not apparent to me. It seems like You're not answering me and has worn me out trying to convince myself to pray to You without ceasing. Please bring my heart back around to joyously pray without ceasing. Bring me to ultimate shame when I search for excuses not to. Lord please give me faith and belief. Help open my eyes to see Your Glory and let it seap into my heart. Please, I want to build trust in You. Wipe away the uncertainty and disbelief that screams at me that I do not want anything to do with You. Break that chain in me and deliver me Lord. Renew the desire to read Your Word in my heart. Drive me every single day to read it. Give me hope and the desire to search for You, cos' Lord I am so weak. When I wake please remind me of Your Presence. Keep me focused on You throughout this distractful day. Keep my heart and head on high for You. Leave me rendered focused and centered around You. Lord, please make Yourself the center point of my life. Take any compulsion to listen to secular music away from me if it displeases You. Do as You wish with me Lord but do not cast me into the fire. Leave me burning for You, God. And turn my focus and mindset to Jesus. Help my heart accept Him in what He did and take away any doubts of Him. Take away the temptations of salvation through works Lord. Help me realize in my heart of my incapabilities. Help me surrender all my heart to You. Embroid the loathing of sin into my heart God, so I shall never desire to sin again. Help me turn from my sins of lust, lying, stealing, and violence. I've sinned against You so many times Lord. Please forgive me. Help me stand in faith and repentance, true faith and true repentance, as Your Child God. And I say all these things in Your name and in Jesus's name
Amen.
Coiling and uncoiling, I feel like mt sinful self is coiling over my heart. I'm more and more sinking back into watching tv more than praying and focusing less on God when I don't really want to. I wish He'd give me some wake-up call in my heart...like a jumpstart that could keep me wrapped around His Word and focusing on Him daily but......It's just not like that now. I had a fear once that all of this was just a fad. Like a trend. Like any moment I'll find something "better" to do and drop all of this and it's starting to feel like it's coming about. Please help me?
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