Without hope

knw1991 said:

thank you Kevin. it has been coming out in bad ways. i have lashed out in anger and broke things. i feel that God is angry with me when it happens. it just feels like a build up of pain and i feel trapped then i just lash out. im so messed up. do you know how i can reach God?

i have prayed to God and told him what im feeling inside, and how its hard to go on. i have done this before but the cycle repeats itself where i am ok for a few days and the pain resurfaces. i know im wrong but it seems like i keep pleading for God's help and healing but im getting nowhere. i dont see any healing taking place at all. i dont want to be this way forever. i will just push people away and end up alone.

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God has not healed me either. That does not mean He does not love me or you. I don't know why he heals some and not others, but there must be a good reason and we will find out when we get to heaven and all truth is revealed.

Maybe He wants us to learn something through this or maybe we feel a special compassion for others because we have suffered through this intense pain. I've often asked the Lord about it. What's the purpose?

We need to trust Him because we know that all things work for good. He has a perfect plan, one we do not see nor know the answers to. That is part of our faith, knowing that God has a perfect plan. We may not be happy about it now, here on this earth, but it does work for the good of His kingdom, we know that from scripture.

The episodes of violence and throwing things is not good. That sounds like how you deal with your frustration, but that is not good for you, those around you and love you, nor is it an effective way to deal with the problem because it does not deal with the underlying issue.

I know there is anger management type of support groups, but look at your Bible that may be the help that you need. I've felt rage from hurt that I don't know how to deal with. I do not express it, but I feel it. I'm working on that too.

Look for Bible verses for anger, disappointment and hope. You might also enjoy the Psalms written by David. He through His despair praised the Lord and always searched for His guidance.

I will pray for you.

Turkle, you mean well I know, but speaking in that way to a depressed person doesn't help.

I received that advice my whole entire life, and what did it do? It made me feel worse. My family, my friends all kept telling me, you can do it. You have a choice. You can follow God. You can be more spiritual, etc. It only makes someone feel worse even if you have good intentions in saying it.

She is struggling, and part of that struggle is dealing with wildly varying emotions and pain. Sometimes you wake up and you hate life. Sometimes you wake up and you hate the opposite sex. Sometimes you wake up and you hate yourself when you look at the mirror. Sometimes you curse God. It comes out in different ways, but it's still a result of deep down pain that hasn't been resolved.

She's expressing the hurt and anger that she's suppressed for many years. Also, this is an internet forum. All we have is text. Text is highly vulnerable to being misunderstood because you miss body language and tone of voice. Those are huge.

She hasn't turned her back on God, she's seeking out answers, and wants questions answered that concern her. Who doesn't want that? It's not that she's demanding them to be answered right away, it's just that she's expressing the things which are hurting her the most. That's a healthy thing to do.

God's a big guy. He can handle it. God is not angry with you when you get angry and break things. I think He is concerned, but not angry. You're a part of His family, He wants to care for you, but look down on you.

It takes time. I know I keep repeating that but it does. There are still things I'm dealing with in regards to my years of depression. I don't like dealing with it either but it's a part of my life. But you CAN eventually come to the point where it's not crippling anymore, and I believe you're on the right path. It's painful, but I believe you're on the right path.

Keep your chin up, I think you are doing great. I am excited to see how God is going to use you and I really mean that. You are a very loving and caring person and it shows in your posts towards other people.