So I've held on to this secret for the past three years though there are a few who do know about it. I worked as a prostitute/escort for a brief period of time. I would like to say I'm completely healed but the truth is it's not exactly as simple as wanting to be better. I still have a hard time with relationships and men, sex in general. I guess, explaining the story a little clearer would benefit others who might need the help with healing and I do honestly feel once I start sharing my story and testimony it might help others but also myself to give it a real solid ground because right now at times it still seems as though I am still living as an ex-sex industry worker, not a survivor. If that makes sense. To begin with I, like a lot of women in this position, didnt have the best childhood. My mother was a very active drug abuser, all kinds but typically crack cocaine. My alcoholic step father joined her on that as well. He was pretty abusive BUT with that being said those were not the hard parts in growing up. It was my mothers suicidal behavior that left me the most scarred with no self worth she couldn't really value her children either. I lived with depression, anxiety, panic attacks. What would I do if my mother decided this was the day she really couldn't take it anymore was pretty much an every day thought. Then we started fighting, I stopped giving her the attention she wanted and we were always getting into physical fights. At 18, about a week after my birthday, I took off to California with a man I never met and that's not where things started with me escorting. For a couple years we were together and he was 'the love of my life' of course I was 18-19 so he was pretty much the only love of my life. It wasn't until we moved to Northern California that he propositioned that I start escorting. I had been having trouble finding a job without a high school diploma. I didn't want to but then one day he brought home another young woman who was an escort. She was actually a very genuine girl but she had a lot of issues, though we all did, it just seemed to influence my decision and I agreed beginning to fear he was going to leave me and I had no money with no where to go, which he had often threatened to kick me out. So, just like that I was on websites, going all over the city and many cities around the area, to Nevada. I was actually excited because for once I was the one making the income and it was a great income, more then people I know who have gone to college for 10 years. But no amount of money could make the days I spent alone, soaking in the bath crying because I tried so hard to scrub the dirt off my skin but just felt disgusted with myself. The truth is, I really didnt have a lot of unattractive clients either. Most of mine were in the early to late 30's, extremely successful, they were clean, sexually if a woman wanted a partner they were typically exactly what the majority of the population would look for. So, I convinced myself, wow I'm super lucky. Meeting wealthy business owners from all over the world, Philippians, China, Mexico, Brazil, France and they all seemed to genuinely like me. Which you'd think, that'd make it easier but then they'd show me pictures of their children, tell me they think they're falling in love with me, beg me to get out of the industry. I was becoming their therapy session and some times I wanted to scream 'Im an escort do you really think I'm the best person to go to with all your freakin problems??!' It went on like that for months and although I never was beat up or robbed, there were so many life endangering incidents where condoms broke or were snuck off when I wasn't looking. At one point I got pregnant, and though I loved my baby already my boyfriend insisted I was going to get an abortion, he would push me down the stairs, or I'd wake up one day and never see him again. I ultimately had an abortion but never got over it and it only got worse. Then one day I was at the end of the road. I was going to kill myself. My bf and I had got in a fight, he had choked me and I truly decided I was going to jump off the bridge. I had a meeting which, I said when I woke up the next morning. 'I honestly don't believe in you anymore God, but maybe you're real, maybe you're out there. I'm begging you to show me something to change my life because I won't keep living if this is it'. Then, I went to the meeting/interview.
It was a long process and I was the last person to go in this small stuffy room with this man which, immediately I objectified him. I was blown away at how handsome he was until he opened his mouth and was extremely harsh in what he said based on my application. I just couldn't help it he looked back down at my papers waiting on me to respond but I realized I was crying and I couldn't speak. He took off his glasses and asked me why did I look so tired, not sleepy, just tired and I nodded, I am. Then he asked, Do you know who God is? I said, kind of but I don't believe in God the way you do. He re-worded his statement, Do you know who the God is in the bible? I looked away remembering what I had been thinking that morning. Then he reached for my hands and asked if he could pray for me which I let him. And it was suddenly like the room wasnt stuffy, but warmth and comforting, I felt like I was so welcomed and loved. I opened my eyes while he was praying, still a bit amazed by such an attractive man, but he wasn't like anyone I ever met. Then as I closed my eyes back I seen a flash of a hand on his shoulder and I opened my eyes all the way again but couldn't see it anymore then as he finished he had this huge grin on his face and looked around and said don't you feel Him in here? And I just nodded again. We talked a little more though I didn't tell him any of what I was currently doing. Anyways, within a month my application was accepted and I can say my life really began to change at that point. This man and I became very close, he began to mentor me, but I definitely started to feel like I was in love with him. It got complicated, but we both agreed feelings were mutual but as far as professional life went for him, it was best we didn't act on our feelings and also he was certain God had the perfect woman for him and if I was her then He would show him. Well, a year went on and we were super close, he took on a difficult job somewhere else and we got in a huge fight. I was at the point where I still believed in God because you wouldn't believe the times I had been in trouble and He came through for me, many of times using this man...which in a way may have made it harder for me to differentiate the relationships. I started dating again and sadly within a month I got pregnant. I was so confused and lost, and afraid. I went back to this man, telling him what I had done and he was so angry for awhile but then gradually he came through and was again my best friend and support through it all. He strongly encouraged me to work things out with my baby's father but those things wouldn't work out and in the end it strangely made us come even closer together. He'd call me up and say, listen to this sermon with me, not that he hadn't done that before but he never really was considerate of me before and my emotional attachment. Well...I'd like to say that was my last mess up but it wasn't, about two months ago I went with a close friend to her boyfriends house. At some point I was drugged and possibly raped, immediately I went to him but he was mad at me, saying why would I put myself in that position?? Which I had been with a close friend of 10 years and I tried to explain it and he wouldn't stop telling me it was my fault. Then I sort of broke down and went to another friend and one thing led to another and now I'm pregnant already again. Of course I could have never imagined one night would lead to this and it just reaffirmed that the devil doesn't give up ever. I was so scared to tell him this time because in a way, he's still like that mentor figure, I don't like to disappoint him but I did come clean and though I'm surprised he is staying by my side. Sometimes I think, God if I knew now, but I truly think he's the one and I thought that since the day we met but...low self esteem and self disgusted led me to believe that I couldn't marry the man of my dreams, no way that could happen. I decided that I am probably going to start living in this women's center where you dedicate 6 months to spending time getting closer to God. I truly want to be a stronger, more stable woman. I want to be able to trust God and be the woman He really wants me to be. My daughter is the most amazing gift so far, and I want her to have a mother who she can be proud of and even if I don't marry quote, the man of my dreams, I know God will fill my life with love and joy as long as I focus on him. A lot of this has to do with this specific relationship that changed my life but to be honest, I never knew what it was like to have someone who truly sacrificed career, respect, life to show me love that is patient and kind and gentle though, he can be a jerk at times but in the end it showed me an example of what God wants in all of my relationships. And even if there was/is something more there it's a base to use for the way I parent and show others love. I truly would love to be able to share my testimony one day, though I think I still have about 6-8 more years before I can write a book. Writing is definitely my passion and can't wait to finally be able to write things to change and inspire others. I am very excited to stay in this women's center to get an experience to finally learn where, how, when, and what to share to change lives.
It's not always easy to be someone who has worked in the sex industry. There are ALOT of demonic spirits that follow...but I'm confident that one day I won't have the same struggles as I do today or at least have the strength to get through them.
It was a long process and I was the last person to go in this small stuffy room with this man which, immediately I objectified him. I was blown away at how handsome he was until he opened his mouth and was extremely harsh in what he said based on my application. I just couldn't help it he looked back down at my papers waiting on me to respond but I realized I was crying and I couldn't speak. He took off his glasses and asked me why did I look so tired, not sleepy, just tired and I nodded, I am. Then he asked, Do you know who God is? I said, kind of but I don't believe in God the way you do. He re-worded his statement, Do you know who the God is in the bible? I looked away remembering what I had been thinking that morning. Then he reached for my hands and asked if he could pray for me which I let him. And it was suddenly like the room wasnt stuffy, but warmth and comforting, I felt like I was so welcomed and loved. I opened my eyes while he was praying, still a bit amazed by such an attractive man, but he wasn't like anyone I ever met. Then as I closed my eyes back I seen a flash of a hand on his shoulder and I opened my eyes all the way again but couldn't see it anymore then as he finished he had this huge grin on his face and looked around and said don't you feel Him in here? And I just nodded again. We talked a little more though I didn't tell him any of what I was currently doing. Anyways, within a month my application was accepted and I can say my life really began to change at that point. This man and I became very close, he began to mentor me, but I definitely started to feel like I was in love with him. It got complicated, but we both agreed feelings were mutual but as far as professional life went for him, it was best we didn't act on our feelings and also he was certain God had the perfect woman for him and if I was her then He would show him. Well, a year went on and we were super close, he took on a difficult job somewhere else and we got in a huge fight. I was at the point where I still believed in God because you wouldn't believe the times I had been in trouble and He came through for me, many of times using this man...which in a way may have made it harder for me to differentiate the relationships. I started dating again and sadly within a month I got pregnant. I was so confused and lost, and afraid. I went back to this man, telling him what I had done and he was so angry for awhile but then gradually he came through and was again my best friend and support through it all. He strongly encouraged me to work things out with my baby's father but those things wouldn't work out and in the end it strangely made us come even closer together. He'd call me up and say, listen to this sermon with me, not that he hadn't done that before but he never really was considerate of me before and my emotional attachment. Well...I'd like to say that was my last mess up but it wasn't, about two months ago I went with a close friend to her boyfriends house. At some point I was drugged and possibly raped, immediately I went to him but he was mad at me, saying why would I put myself in that position?? Which I had been with a close friend of 10 years and I tried to explain it and he wouldn't stop telling me it was my fault. Then I sort of broke down and went to another friend and one thing led to another and now I'm pregnant already again. Of course I could have never imagined one night would lead to this and it just reaffirmed that the devil doesn't give up ever. I was so scared to tell him this time because in a way, he's still like that mentor figure, I don't like to disappoint him but I did come clean and though I'm surprised he is staying by my side. Sometimes I think, God if I knew now, but I truly think he's the one and I thought that since the day we met but...low self esteem and self disgusted led me to believe that I couldn't marry the man of my dreams, no way that could happen. I decided that I am probably going to start living in this women's center where you dedicate 6 months to spending time getting closer to God. I truly want to be a stronger, more stable woman. I want to be able to trust God and be the woman He really wants me to be. My daughter is the most amazing gift so far, and I want her to have a mother who she can be proud of and even if I don't marry quote, the man of my dreams, I know God will fill my life with love and joy as long as I focus on him. A lot of this has to do with this specific relationship that changed my life but to be honest, I never knew what it was like to have someone who truly sacrificed career, respect, life to show me love that is patient and kind and gentle though, he can be a jerk at times but in the end it showed me an example of what God wants in all of my relationships. And even if there was/is something more there it's a base to use for the way I parent and show others love. I truly would love to be able to share my testimony one day, though I think I still have about 6-8 more years before I can write a book. Writing is definitely my passion and can't wait to finally be able to write things to change and inspire others. I am very excited to stay in this women's center to get an experience to finally learn where, how, when, and what to share to change lives.
It's not always easy to be someone who has worked in the sex industry. There are ALOT of demonic spirits that follow...but I'm confident that one day I won't have the same struggles as I do today or at least have the strength to get through them.
