Children refuse to participate in church

findmydream · Sep 25, 2013

Hello,

My two children, daughter age 6 and son age 11, both refuse to go to Sunday school. My son doesn't have any close friends at church. My daughter has one, but she still refuses when it is time to go (maybe because her brother won't go?). My son is now old enough to participate in junior youth group. I'm not sure how to bring it up that will help him be interested in going. From what I can figure out, he is not comfortable with stuff with church because of his unfamiliarity with the Bible and he doesn't feel like he knows anything. He struggles in school as well, so I think he may also see this as something like school. He likes to be read to from the Bible, but not really to read it himself much. What can I do to encourage my children to participate in Sunday school and my son in Junior Youth?

Thanks in advance!

ProudMomxmany · Sep 28, 2013

findmydream said:
Hello,

My two children, daughter age 6 and son age 11, both refuse to go to Sunday school. My son doesn't have any close friends at church. My daughter has one, but she still refuses when it is time to go (maybe because her brother won't go?). My son is now old enough to participate in junior youth group. I'm not sure how to bring it up that will help him be interested in going. From what I can figure out, he is not comfortable with stuff with church because of his unfamiliarity with the Bible and he doesn't feel like he knows anything. He struggles in school as well, so I think he may also see this as something like school. He likes to be read to from the Bible, but not really to read it himself much. What can I do to encourage my children to participate in Sunday school and my son in Junior Youth?

Thanks in advance!

Why do you want them to go to Sunday School? The primary spiritual teachers should be their parents, not a once-a-week-for-an-hour Sunday School teacher.

For your son, you can continue to read to him or get the bible on CD or download MP3s for him. He can start reading along with the recording, just a chapter a day.

For your daughter, I'd advice a good children's bible (I'd have to look upstairs to see what my children used at this age) or an easy to read FAITHFUL translation and read with her.

The rest of it should be a part of everyday living. The command from Deuteronomy 6:6-9 is still valid for today.

"6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (emphasis mine)

My kids didn't go to Sunday School or youth groups. They spent time in the Word at home, 7 days a week.

findmydream · Sep 30, 2013

I only have joint custody with my ex and I can't control what he does (usually just giving them the opportunity for video games and nothing else, even homework time). I try to do what I can by reading to them when I can, but I am still a fairly new and struggling Christian. That is why I want them to have some more influence. If I had money to send them to a Christian school, I would, but I don't. I am limited to resources at my church, library and if I can find something at the local thrift store, which is pretty limited all around. We are currently in between pastors right now as well, so I can't even consult him or her. I only have internet access at work or if I go to the library. As I said, my resources are very limited. We did just start attending a DivorceCare and DC4Kids, but they may not be able to attend every week depending on what their father has planned.

ProudMomxmany · Sep 30, 2013

You can require them to attend church with you. I believe you can download the bible mp3s from the web. If not, I think there are ways to download passages, sermons, etc. for free.

The greatest influence for them is YOU. Not just bible things but do you pray with them? Do you speak of the Lord with them? Just like a little water can carve a big canyon, your daily efforts will pay off.

Also, the link in my signature has many wonderful resources. There are numerous websites where you can download many things, either free or very cheaply. For 9.00 per month, you can access many sermons, talks, etc. from the IBLP website.

findmydream · Oct 1, 2013

Isn't listening to downloaded content pretty much the same as going to church, just without the fellowship? My church family is just that, a family. It is my only support besides a friend who lives over an hour away that I don't see often. I did not grow up in any church and missed that in my childhood. I went with my friend for a while, but I didn't feel that I fit in with her conservative Mennonite congregation (men on one side, women on the other etc). My current church is much more open and welcome to anyone. We attend church together as often as possible and they stay with me through whole service. Sunday school is after the service, after a short fellowship break. We have also belonged to a small group through church, but there isn't one this year that we can go to.

I can view things online, but can't download or listen. I can't afford to get internet at home and don't have a computer or laptop anyways, just my son's tablet and my smartphone. I can't seem to get online at places that offer free wifi with my phone either. It is a pain to view websites that don't come in a mobile format as well.

I try to do what I can with my children. I try to talk about God and Jesus and read to them, but somehow it doesn't seem to be enough. I have a very hard time praying out loud. Anything verbal, for that matter, not only praying. I'm ok to read stuff, but it is extremely difficult for me to "think on my feet". Not sure how to change that.

ProudMomxmany · Oct 2, 2013

findmydream said:
Isn't listening to downloaded content pretty much the same as going to church, just without the fellowship? My church family is just that, a family. It is my only support besides a friend who lives over an hour away that I don't see often. I did not grow up in any church and missed that in my childhood. I went with my friend for a while, but I didn't feel that I fit in with her conservative Mennonite congregation (men on one side, women on the other etc). My current church is much more open and welcome to anyone. We attend church together as often as possible and they stay with me through whole service. Sunday school is after the service, after a short fellowship break. We have also belonged to a small group through church, but there isn't one this year that we can go to.

I can view things online, but can't download or listen. I can't afford to get internet at home and don't have a computer or laptop anyways, just my son's tablet and my smartphone. I can't seem to get online at places that offer free wifi with my phone either. It is a pain to view websites that don't come in a mobile format as well.

I try to do what I can with my children. I try to talk about God and Jesus and read to them, but somehow it doesn't seem to be enough. I have a very hard time praying out loud. Anything verbal, for that matter, not only praying. I'm ok to read stuff, but it is extremely difficult for me to "think on my feet". Not sure how to change that.

Downloaded content is a supplement.

And as far as thinking on your feet, the best way to get better at it is to spend more time reading, studying, engrafting the Word in your heart so it becomes easier to relay that to your children.

cerette · Oct 3, 2013

It's fantastic that you want your kids to learn more about Jesus. Don't force them to attend Sunday School though, I don't think it will do much good at this stage. Forcing them could result with them hating it and getting bitter with you, and then ditching church all together as soon as they're old enough to decide for themselves if they are going to attend or not.
Do you have a kids Bible or other materials? If not, you can send me a private message with your mailing address and I will send you stuff. I would very much like to encourage you to continue teaching your kids the truth.

Wings like Eagles · Oct 8, 2013

Youth group is where it is at!

I watched my Son grow from a clam, into a very well adjusted confident young man attending a good youth group. He was very nervous at first, but just kept going and got involved. It was like watching a flower blooming. :amen:

A good youth Pastor can have a great influnce on our youth, espically when the youth quit listening/hearing their parents. I think they are attempting to be independent and learn from other sources than just Mom and Dad. It was everything I had prayed for him, I will pray for your children. :prayer:

findmydream · Oct 10, 2013

cerette - I tried to send you a PM, but because I don't have enough posts to be able to do that, I will have to wait until I do, then I will PM you my information.

My son tried youth group and likes it. Unfortunately, there won't be much going on until the new year, but I'll keep working on reading to both of them and having discussions.

Also, both of my children are going to DivorceCare for Kids (while I attend DivorceCare). They seem to be enjoying it. Everything is based on Christian values and how to cope with separation and divorce of parents. There are only two other kids there and even then they only come every 2nd week (custody issues). My two don't seem to mind, though. They do videos, discussion and activities. Their father doesn't know, though, because I think he may put a stop to it (not that it is a church thing, but that it has to do with divorce).

ImperialPhantom · Oct 13, 2013

ProudMomxmany said:
Why do you want them to go to Sunday School? The primary spiritual teachers should be their parents, not a once-a-week-for-an-hour Sunday School teacher.

For your son, you can continue to read to him or get the bible on CD or download MP3s for him. He can start reading along with the recording, just a chapter a day.

For your daughter, I'd advice a good children's bible (I'd have to look upstairs to see what my children used at this age) or an easy to read FAITHFUL translation and read with her.

The rest of it should be a part of everyday living. The command from Deuteronomy 6:6-9 is still valid for today.

"6 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 8 You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 9 You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (emphasis mine)

My kids didn't go to Sunday School or youth groups. They spent time in the Word at home, 7 days a week.

Okay so by that logic, let's say I want to learn how to program an iPhone app. My parents have absolutely no clue how to program anything. So why would I ask them and wait for them to figure it out when I can go attend a class with other students of the same thing that's put on by an iPhone app development veteran?

Don't get that Deuteronomy verse twisted. The Bible never says that ONLY their parents should teach them spirituality, and if they are intentionally held back from social learning settings, oh believe me, that doesn't bode well for most people. Nothing like having book smarts and absolutely no social intelligence whatsoever because of a misunderstood Deuteronomy verse.

ThatAthlete · Oct 13, 2013

Well to be honest I didn't like it when my parents made me join youth things with the church that much.

akmom · Oct 15, 2013

I'm with ImperialPhantom on this one. The OP wants her children to get strong spiritual guidance and she doesn't feel she can supply all of it. Personally, I don't think *anyone* can provide all their child's spiritual guidance. It sounds too much like some of those "homeschool" philosophies, where parents feel like they can absorb all the information they will ever need to educate their children on any subject. I just don't think that is how people learn best (from a single teacher), no matter how well-intentioned. Spiritual matters are the same. Besides, church fellowship is an important part of faith. Every Christian contributes something a little different, and it's good for kids to see diversity in the body of Christ.

I would have recommended looking for a different church, which maybe your kids "connect" better with, but it sounds like you already consider this one a good fit for you. Would you son be willing to sit in the adult Bible study during Sunday School? Would they be willing to place him in an older class and see how he does? My childhood church did this sometimes, when kids didn't connect well with their designated classes or teachers. I wouldn't force it on him too often. If he persistently doesn't want to go, chances are he really isn't getting anything out of it. At least he goes to the services, right?

bigvman · Dec 4, 2013

Like some others have posted, it's important that you are the primary teacher and example to your kids. I try to pray with my kids of an evening and have a weekly family devotional so they are pretty familiar with the routine of sitting down and looking at some scripture. I have found this helps, so that when they do go to Sunday school they feel like they do understand what's going on.

I'm not sure if you've been able to do this sort of thing at home before, but I think it's probaly more important that actually going to Sunday school for their faith right now.

ProudMomxmany · Dec 6, 2013

ImperialPhantom said:
Okay so by that logic, let's say I want to learn how to program an iPhone app. My parents have absolutely no clue how to program anything. So why would I ask them and wait for them to figure it out when I can go attend a class with other students of the same thing that's put on by an iPhone app development veteran?

Don't get that Deuteronomy verse twisted. The Bible never says that ONLY their parents should teach them spirituality, and if they are intentionally held back from social learning settings, oh believe me, that doesn't bode well for most people. Nothing like having book smarts and absolutely no social intelligence whatsoever because of a misunderstood Deuteronomy verse.

CONTEXT! Parents are the primary teachers of faith to children. Not the pastor, not the Sunday School teacher, but parents. We also believe that parents are the primary teachers in everything. We are the ones who teach our children how to walk, talk, eat with a spoon, say "excuse me" when they burp.

I did not get that verse "twisted"...Ummm...I'm afraid you may have been exposed to the extremists who do try to isolate their children in fear of the world.

But...I'm not here to defend my choices...I quoted the scripture. You don't like it, take it up with the Lord.

graciesings · Feb 13, 2014

I'm going to second ThatAthlete, don't push too hard.

It sounds like it would be really good to get the whole family on a Bible study or Bible memory plan so that you can talk about things at home, together. If your son's problem is feeling like he doesn't know enough about the Bible, that would help. It would be very good if he read the Bible on his own, and you might even set up an initiative/reward system for that. But family time still does a lot for kids and it also helps them to hear adult's ideas on it. You might have an interpretation of the verse that they wouldn't have thought of, talk about what it means!

I also second akmom. Is there another age group that your son would be more comfortable in? He may not be comfortable in a group of older (or younger) kids. Talk with whoever runs the Sunday School and tell them what problems you've been having, ask for their help.

Also, it may be that he disagrees with the church. Realize that that's ok, as long as the church he favors is reasonably Christian. It might make sense to let him visit another church or two, just to get an idea of what it's like.

contango · Feb 13, 2014

cerette said:
It's fantastic that you want your kids to learn more about Jesus. Don't force them to attend Sunday School though, I don't think it will do much good at this stage. Forcing them could result with them hating it and getting bitter with you, and then ditching church all together as soon as they're old enough to decide for themselves if they are going to attend or not.

I can second this. When I was a child my father worked abroad and I wasn't old enough to be left home alone so went to church on Sunday. If there was any way to get out of going to church I took it, simply because I had grown to hate being forced to waste an hour of my life listening to something that didn't make any sense, and then waste more time waiting for my mother to finish chatting to people after the service.

We need to be careful we don't focus so much on making things "fun", "relevant", "accessible" (or whatever other buzzwords get thrown around today) that we lose the message, but if we teach in a way that engages the listener they are more likely to at least listen.

susie12345 · May 14, 2014

My 11 year old was starting to do something similar and we had a chat with him about the importance of worship and attending church and being around other believers.

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