I can't think of a better place to share what I am feeling right now. Being among other believers I feel safe. I have a feeling this isn't going to be short so please be patient with me.
Fifteen years ago I was divorced from the love of my life. We were best friends and got along so well. Never argued, just talked about many things like married people do. We were together 14 yrs and I have now been divorced for 15. We laughed so much and had a ball, we were so happy.
I always had a very low self esteem but he brought me thru it, and thinking back I didn't take very good care of myself. I really never dressed up for me or for him and sometimes I would go out not looking so good. He would say something but I always wanted to be accepted the way I was and I believed that beauty is on the inside. Well I was wrong about that because it did matter how I looked and I really didn't care.
Both of us decided that winters were getting to be too much and moved about 2600 miles from my home state. This was not unusual for me since I have moved around quite a bit in my life. Really being away from my family is something I was used to. I never really fit in anyhow so it was ok.
Something snapped about a year later and I became someone I didn't recognize, and leaving my active lifestyle for the bed. I slept in another room and became so bad that I would lock my husband out of the bedroom so I could be alone. I spent alot of that time staring out the window. I still managed to go to work everyday and it became kind of a solace for me oddly enough but was right back in bed as soon as I got home. I went and sought out a psych and was put on medication for depression and it worked the opposite on me. I became more lethargic and gained over 80lbs. The next year turned into a nightmare and I was all over the place, and I started to threaten to leave and became verbally abuse to him. I felt horrible to do this to the love of my life. Looking back I was not treated for the moods swings and had not been treated with stabilizers. So two years went by and one door while my sister was visiting they decided to go to the home improvement store to get some more wood, we were remodelling at the time. While they were gone I decided I wanted to feel better, and I never had the intentions of committing suicide but I took alot of pills and have alot of beer. The next thing I knew I was sitting on a hospital bed with a nurse and my sister and my husband was standing in front of me. I was admitted and they told me what happened and I was in total shock because that was never my intent. My sister told me later that when they admitted me, I sat up in the guerney and said twice " I hate you" twice calling out my husbands name. This devastated him and he never mentioned anything like that or talked about what happened with me. It was like it never even happened.
After this episode and the fact that I no longer cared, I was told by my husband that he was no longer attracted to me. I did nothing about this and just kept hiding in my room. I worked and ate, and slept.
One night I was sitting in the living room with my husband and he started balling like a baby and told me that he wanted a divorce, and then he told me that he wasn't sure that he even loved me anymore. What a time for this to happen I already felt like I died on the inside. I was no longer the person I was and wanted back so desperately. I again ended up being hospitalized with no visits from my husband, or soon to be ex.
So, with much guilt and sadness I moved out and found an apt and tried to pull myself together as much as I could. We were legally separated for a year and the whole time I thought for sure we would get back together but of course it never happened.
Through all of this I started to read my bible again, which I had backslid from eons ago and started to feel better with much prayer and a christian psychologists help. Things started to fall in place soon after that but I felt horrible guilt for many many years. I have been having a tough time with this thru the years and still cry when his name is mentioned to me.
My sister who I was closest to knew that I was still so upset and hurt about the whole thing. She had told me when my husband asked me for a divorce that it was all my fault. Anyhow about four years ago when I was finally starting to forgive myself she called and told me that when I got sick he found solace in another woman and he had told her about this when he went home on his own to visit family. He told her all about the relationship they had developed. This devastated me to no end and I was so hurt that I just let it flow right by and changed the conversation.
This of course put a real damper on our relationship again. Honestly I still hadn't forgiven her for telling me the fallout was because of me. So after this news I even felt more guilty for ruining our marriage. Last year my sister called and told me he had sold the house and was living a condo with his new gf. I asked her how she knew all this since I decided not to have any contact with him because I really didn't want him knowing what I was up too. She said she was a work and decided to google his name and found out his new address and mapped out his new home. UGH!! here we go again. Needless to say I don't even want to talk to her anymore. I realized recently that they have been in touch all this time. I am sure I am the topic of discussion.
Meanwhile after all this time I live with guilt and now jealousy that another woman has my ex when I should have him. The thoughts consume me even after becoming a christian and a woman of God.
I don't want to live like this but I had gotten on mood stabilizers shortly after the divorce and was treated as someone with bipolar disorder and I started to feel really good. I just keep getting bombarded with the memories from my sister.
There is so much more to this story but I really took up enough of your time and need to end this. I honestly feel so much better sharing this with someone. I am really wondering after so much prayer how I can rise above this. I really have moved on with my life but still have so many memories of how it used to be. Why isn't my faith in God enough for me?
<<<sigh>>>
Thank you for taking the time to read this
Fifteen years ago I was divorced from the love of my life. We were best friends and got along so well. Never argued, just talked about many things like married people do. We were together 14 yrs and I have now been divorced for 15. We laughed so much and had a ball, we were so happy.
I always had a very low self esteem but he brought me thru it, and thinking back I didn't take very good care of myself. I really never dressed up for me or for him and sometimes I would go out not looking so good. He would say something but I always wanted to be accepted the way I was and I believed that beauty is on the inside. Well I was wrong about that because it did matter how I looked and I really didn't care.
Both of us decided that winters were getting to be too much and moved about 2600 miles from my home state. This was not unusual for me since I have moved around quite a bit in my life. Really being away from my family is something I was used to. I never really fit in anyhow so it was ok.
Something snapped about a year later and I became someone I didn't recognize, and leaving my active lifestyle for the bed. I slept in another room and became so bad that I would lock my husband out of the bedroom so I could be alone. I spent alot of that time staring out the window. I still managed to go to work everyday and it became kind of a solace for me oddly enough but was right back in bed as soon as I got home. I went and sought out a psych and was put on medication for depression and it worked the opposite on me. I became more lethargic and gained over 80lbs. The next year turned into a nightmare and I was all over the place, and I started to threaten to leave and became verbally abuse to him. I felt horrible to do this to the love of my life. Looking back I was not treated for the moods swings and had not been treated with stabilizers. So two years went by and one door while my sister was visiting they decided to go to the home improvement store to get some more wood, we were remodelling at the time. While they were gone I decided I wanted to feel better, and I never had the intentions of committing suicide but I took alot of pills and have alot of beer. The next thing I knew I was sitting on a hospital bed with a nurse and my sister and my husband was standing in front of me. I was admitted and they told me what happened and I was in total shock because that was never my intent. My sister told me later that when they admitted me, I sat up in the guerney and said twice " I hate you" twice calling out my husbands name. This devastated him and he never mentioned anything like that or talked about what happened with me. It was like it never even happened.
After this episode and the fact that I no longer cared, I was told by my husband that he was no longer attracted to me. I did nothing about this and just kept hiding in my room. I worked and ate, and slept.
One night I was sitting in the living room with my husband and he started balling like a baby and told me that he wanted a divorce, and then he told me that he wasn't sure that he even loved me anymore. What a time for this to happen I already felt like I died on the inside. I was no longer the person I was and wanted back so desperately. I again ended up being hospitalized with no visits from my husband, or soon to be ex.
So, with much guilt and sadness I moved out and found an apt and tried to pull myself together as much as I could. We were legally separated for a year and the whole time I thought for sure we would get back together but of course it never happened.
Through all of this I started to read my bible again, which I had backslid from eons ago and started to feel better with much prayer and a christian psychologists help. Things started to fall in place soon after that but I felt horrible guilt for many many years. I have been having a tough time with this thru the years and still cry when his name is mentioned to me.
My sister who I was closest to knew that I was still so upset and hurt about the whole thing. She had told me when my husband asked me for a divorce that it was all my fault. Anyhow about four years ago when I was finally starting to forgive myself she called and told me that when I got sick he found solace in another woman and he had told her about this when he went home on his own to visit family. He told her all about the relationship they had developed. This devastated me to no end and I was so hurt that I just let it flow right by and changed the conversation.
This of course put a real damper on our relationship again. Honestly I still hadn't forgiven her for telling me the fallout was because of me. So after this news I even felt more guilty for ruining our marriage. Last year my sister called and told me he had sold the house and was living a condo with his new gf. I asked her how she knew all this since I decided not to have any contact with him because I really didn't want him knowing what I was up too. She said she was a work and decided to google his name and found out his new address and mapped out his new home. UGH!! here we go again. Needless to say I don't even want to talk to her anymore. I realized recently that they have been in touch all this time. I am sure I am the topic of discussion.
Meanwhile after all this time I live with guilt and now jealousy that another woman has my ex when I should have him. The thoughts consume me even after becoming a christian and a woman of God.
I don't want to live like this but I had gotten on mood stabilizers shortly after the divorce and was treated as someone with bipolar disorder and I started to feel really good. I just keep getting bombarded with the memories from my sister.
There is so much more to this story but I really took up enough of your time and need to end this. I honestly feel so much better sharing this with someone. I am really wondering after so much prayer how I can rise above this. I really have moved on with my life but still have so many memories of how it used to be. Why isn't my faith in God enough for me?
<<<sigh>>>
Thank you for taking the time to read this
