What Not To Say To Survivors Of Abuse

sheeesh! you are SOOOOO dramatic!

1)Don't make ANY JUDGMENTAL STATEMENTS.

2)Don't say I KNOW how you feel.


Try something like this.

I've never experienced any thing like that, therefore I don't know how you feel, bad I can tell that you are shacking right now, you are breathing really heavenly and tears are pouring from your eyes.

Tell me how do you feel right now ?
What do you normally do when you feel [answer] ?

I don't think that punching pillows is a solution.

3) Always try to give them options.

Do you wanna dim the lights a little bit or keep them as they are ?
Do you wanna go for a walk in the park or go for a walk around the lake ?

littleluna said:

this could already be here but "it was just a rub or a touch"
from my mom "christian women dont get raped."

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Oh wow, I feel for you. Yes, people taking the liberty to touch isn't right from my point of view because some can do it to control or to affect our demeanor and it can be beyond annoying. Everyone needs personal space and needs it to be respected. I'm glad you brought that up. Irritates me too. As for the other comment.......why some areas of church / christians have such unawareness of social issues, the character of God and what He says in the scriptures, is beyond me. I get the theory and head stuff but my heart doesn't get it...ridiculous.

^ you hit the nail on the head

helpguide dot org

I think this applies as well.

When talking to a suicidal person

Do:

• Be yourself. Let the person know you care, that he/she is not alone. The right words are often unimportant. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it.
• Listen. Let the suicidal person unload despair, ventilate anger. No matter how negative the conversation seems, the fact that it exists is a positive sign.
• Be sympathetic, non-judgmental, patient, calm, accepting. Your friend or family member is doing the right thing by talking about his/her feelings.
• Offer hope. Reassure the person that help is available and that the suicidal feelings are temporary. Let the person know that his or her life is important to you.
• If the person says things like, “I’m so depressed, I can’t go on,” ask the question: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?” You are not putting ideas in their head, you are showing that you are concerned, that you take them seriously, and that it’s OK for them to share their pain with you.

But don’t:

• Argue with the suicidal person. Avoid saying things like: "You have so much to live for," "Your suicide will hurt your family," or “Look on the bright side.”
• Act shocked, lecture on the value of life, or say that suicide is wrong.
• Promise confidentiality. Refuse to be sworn to secrecy. A life is at stake and you may need to speak to a mental health professional in order to keep the suicidal person safe. If you promise to keep your discussions secret, you may have to break your word.
• Offer ways to fix their problems, or give advice, or make them feel like they have to justify their suicidal feelings. It is not about how bad the problem is, but how badly it’s hurting your friend or loved one.
• Blame yourself. You can’t “fix” someone’s depression. Your loved one’s happiness, or lack thereof, is not your responsibility.

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the molester said if i told anyone no one would be believe me.
told my ma what the molester did to me and she said, oh he was just kidding, he was on drugs, are you sure he did this to you.
as an adult my mother and siblings tell me...i need special help, get over it, my mother said what do you want me to do tell my sister what her son did to you 30 years ago?

makeitwork said:

the molester said if i told anyone no one would be believe me.
told my ma what the molester did to me and she said, oh he was just kidding, he was on drugs, are you sure he did this to you.
as an adult my mother and siblings tell me...i need special help, get over it, my mother said what do you want me to do tell my sister what her son did to you 30 years ago?

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I feel for you. Things like this just aren't appropriate or fair.

It's all in your head.

I don't want to hear it....(a parent when disclosing)

laughter

my mother said oh what are you going to do makeitwork...tell the police? destroy your cousin life? he's married and has kids makeitwork.

your letting him win because you don't go to parties because he's there.

Being told to feel sorry for the POOR priests.

rowantree said:

Being told to feel sorry for the POOR priests.

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Yes, this is a harsh one. "Feel sorry for any abuser." / "He's having a rough time too." ...or any such bit of a statement. I've been guilted into this many times and still am at times. I won't give in. Regardless of the circumstances any sin / abuse is wrong. There comes a time in a grown ups life that they have to grow up and stop 'beating' on others etc. whether it be literally or figuratively.

"She's just crazy"
To this I respond... .... ...and then I say...

rowantree said:

Being told to feel sorry for the POOR priests.

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Never say I understand How you feel.
Instead say I Don't understand how you feel, but I can see that you look sad and upset and angry.

Never let the victim to start talking about negativity and go down on a negative slope.

Be sympathetic, non-judgmental.

timur123456789 said:

Never say I understand How you feel.
Instead say I Don't understand how you feel, but I can see that you look sad and upset and angry.

Never let the victim to start talking about negativity and go down on a negative slope.

Be sympathetic, non-judgmental.

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May I ask why you singled me out for that comment? And why in response to what I said? Thankyou.

Ah, I understand who you are now. It all makes sense. Thankyou anyway.

'Just try to forget about it and move on' It works for some but not all!

"Oh but *the abuser* came across as so nice and reasonable" coupled with a look like you're deranged or lying.

Lotuspetal_uk said:

"Oh but *the abuser* came across as so nice and reasonable" coupled with a look like you're deranged or lying.

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Oh doesn't that just annoy you. Annoy isn't even the right word. The way that makes me feel is beyond words. It feels like I'm being victimized all over again. I feel for you. It's not an easy thing to experience.