P
paintedgoldfish
Guest
I have been a Christian for 9 months. I have found a church that is increadibly supportive and loving and I am very greatful for all their support.
I have been diagnosed bipolar since 1992 and believe that I have actually had this illness all of my life. The first time I was suicidal was when I was 9 years old and my mood often transitions rapidly from mania to depression. When I describe myself I say, "I am bipolar" rather then saying, "I have bipolar". I do that because I believe that my illness has a direct influence on my personality, my decisions and my view of life. I don't know how to seperate who I am from this illness that effects every aspect of my life, and always has.
The people at my church often say that God will heal me of being bipolar. I have mixed emotions about that. I would like to not have extreme mood swings on one hand, but I don't know who I am without my illness, it has been a part of my life for so long.
I believe that God made me who I am just as someone who is born with physcial abnormalities would believe that God made them that way for a reason. When people tell me that it is not God's will for me to be bipolar I feel as if they are saying that I was not fearfully and wonderfully made, that I need to be changed because this is not what God intended for me. But, if that is true, why have I had this illness all of my life? Sometimes I feel like people are saying that I was made defective and not made the way God intended.
There is a verse in the Bible that also bothers me a little, James 1:5-8
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all his ways.
Being double minded is the very definition of bipolar disorder. Being unstable is something I transition in and out of on a regular basis and the impulsive nature of the illness brings doubt that moves like the waves of the sea.
I want to be fearfully and wonderfully made just like everyone else. If I ask God to heal me of this illness that defines who I am, it is like saying that I am defective and not made the way God wanted me to be.
It's not that I WANT to be bipolar or that I would have chosen this illness if I had had a choice, but I AM BIPOLAR. It is my thinking. It is my personality. It colors my point of view and it influences my decisions. Even my decision to come to accept Christ was directly influenced by being bipolar.
Is it wrong of me to think this way? should I believe that I was not made this way? Should I belive that I was made defectively?
I wrestle with these questions daily and would appreciate your feedback.
I have been diagnosed bipolar since 1992 and believe that I have actually had this illness all of my life. The first time I was suicidal was when I was 9 years old and my mood often transitions rapidly from mania to depression. When I describe myself I say, "I am bipolar" rather then saying, "I have bipolar". I do that because I believe that my illness has a direct influence on my personality, my decisions and my view of life. I don't know how to seperate who I am from this illness that effects every aspect of my life, and always has.
The people at my church often say that God will heal me of being bipolar. I have mixed emotions about that. I would like to not have extreme mood swings on one hand, but I don't know who I am without my illness, it has been a part of my life for so long.
I believe that God made me who I am just as someone who is born with physcial abnormalities would believe that God made them that way for a reason. When people tell me that it is not God's will for me to be bipolar I feel as if they are saying that I was not fearfully and wonderfully made, that I need to be changed because this is not what God intended for me. But, if that is true, why have I had this illness all of my life? Sometimes I feel like people are saying that I was made defective and not made the way God intended.
There is a verse in the Bible that also bothers me a little, James 1:5-8
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all his ways.
Being double minded is the very definition of bipolar disorder. Being unstable is something I transition in and out of on a regular basis and the impulsive nature of the illness brings doubt that moves like the waves of the sea.
I want to be fearfully and wonderfully made just like everyone else. If I ask God to heal me of this illness that defines who I am, it is like saying that I am defective and not made the way God wanted me to be.
It's not that I WANT to be bipolar or that I would have chosen this illness if I had had a choice, but I AM BIPOLAR. It is my thinking. It is my personality. It colors my point of view and it influences my decisions. Even my decision to come to accept Christ was directly influenced by being bipolar.
Is it wrong of me to think this way? should I believe that I was not made this way? Should I belive that I was made defectively?
I wrestle with these questions daily and would appreciate your feedback.
