my husband hates me

and it's my fault. it seems i can't do anything right. i'm not just saying that, it just seems that everything i touch breaks. every decision i make, no matter how good it looks at first, turns around to end up horrible.

latest screw up is our current location. we are fulltime RVers and we work and live in and around RV parks. our last position for the 2010 season ended without my having been able to find another job. a friend we'd worked with in the past had, randomly, only 2 days before our unexpected termination (violation of attendance policy. too many sick days), had called me up and asked if we had a place to go. i tend to believe that things happen for a reason/don't believe in coincedence, so when a few other things just seemed to have fallen into place, i thought that, altho not the ideal situation, that it was a door opening. here's the problem: it's in New Hampshire. RVs are not typically built to deal with the cold, and we both dislike the cold.

we've been here since 12/24. our fresh water hose has frozen a few times, altho we have gotten that running again. the pipes that take the black and grey water out are frozen, so we can't dump. the black tank is full. the problem might be easily fixable if we could skirt the trailer and put a heat source underneath, but we are flat broke. i mean... BROKE broke.

my husband told me today that he hates me for putting us in this situation. and he wants it to be over.

i can't blame him. but i'm scared to death too

i don't know what to do. and i want my screwed-up-ness to stop. but i don't know how to fix that either.

i didn't accept at the time, i called them back up the 2 days later when we were terminated. hubby expressed that he wasn't real happy about going north for the winter. i wasn't real happy about it. its cold up here. but like i said, to me it just seemed that things 'went together'. i don't really have another way to describe it. we have access to hot showers. that's not a problem. we have running water (sort of). so fresh water isn't a problem. a slight inconvenience on occasion, but not a problem. we can't empty our black water. our poo. the valve is frozen. we have a mason light we could put out there. but without some form of skirting to protect and collect the heat, it likely won't do any good. we have exactly one heat tape, that we bought last year, and it's wrapped around our fresh water hose.

i appreciate the suggestions. they will certainly help us get through the rest of the winter. however, i still have the underlying issue of... well... failing at life. :-/ i love my husband dearly, and he loves me, or else i am sure he wouldn't have put up with me for so long (we've been married almost 9 years now) but it seems that every time i turn around, i am unwittingly stabbing a dagger in his back. each one deeper than the last. i'm terrified that one day the cut will be too deep.

I've trapped us here, based on a poor decision, in a very unpleasant situation, and no money so we couldn't even leave or fix the problems if we wanted to. yeah. that's great. *sigh*

i'd rather not go into the catalogue of my failures, but trust me... i've made some doozies. i don't think things through. and while its all well and good to say "well, just think next time!", i don't. i think i'm doing something good, and it turns around and bites me in the ... backside. every. time.
every
single
time

i'm tired of being a failure. i'm tired of screwing up my life and my husband's life. i'm tired of hurting the man i love and ripping my own heart out in the process.

but i don't know how to fix it. so i keep making the same stupid errors. over. and over. and over.

sometimes i wonder why he's still with me. sometimes i'm terrified he'll finally decide to go. sometimes i just want to die and stop being a burden.

i don't know where to turn.

i didn't really want to air my issues, but perhaps getting the whole thing off my chest will do me good.

I forget things easily. i think i'm ADD. i get wrapped up in goofing off, and i end up not doing anything. important stuff doesn't get done, phone calls don't get made, plans don't get thought, and bills don't get paid. only a year after getting married our car was repossessed due to my carelessness. things piled up and we declared bankruptcy. our house was almost foreclosed on TWICE from me making late payments. i was fired for stealing from my job. i (obviously) had trouble finding a job after that for a while, and at one point i ended up with a dog walking job that cost me more money in gas than i got from it. all this was over the course of 6 years. add in constant little jabs of forgetting to do stuff, to make important phone calls. if being a wife was a job i would have been FIRED long long ago due to severe incompetency.

we decide to start RVing. we sell our house. and, on MY recommendation, made temporary residence with my parents in florida to renovate our RV. this turned into an 8 month ordeal where my parents ended up sponging almost ALL of the profit we netted from the house out of me. so we hit the road broke.

we do actually LIKE rving. its a fun adventure. we get to see the whole US, a little at a time. and working at RV parks, while not a big money-maker, is still pretty fun. i make a bad decision on our second job due to inexperience and lack of asking the right questions that leads to a trip from AL to ME. we lasted there less than a week, then mad scramble to find another job. found one. it was good. but looked for a winter job way too late (due to my aforementioned issues) ended up hitting the road with no clear place to go. scored a job in Florida first day on the road. suckie job for no real money, but at least it was warm. we were on food stamps for a while. find another job in TX. this one is actually semi decent. again, looked for winter work way late, but managed to find a contract job in Kansas. we actually made enough money from that one that we could relax for a little while. i, for the first time, looked around early enough and lined up a job way early, but i again didn't examine the deal as well was i should have, and we ended up with a crappy deal with an abrasive jerk for a manager. mad scramble and we left after 2 months for another job. halfway decent, but very stressful. we went back to Kansas for the winter, but this time we just had a bad run and ended up being let go early due to attendance policy violations. before this happened, my husband had explored getting a longer term position there in kansas, and i, remembering how cold it got last year, expressed my hesitation. he left it go. so then when we were let go, and we had just gotten this offer from our friends, i jumped on it. in NH. where its COLDER than kansas. for a crappy deal. we aren't making any money here. it's hours for site. and we have to pay for our electricity. with money we don't have. WHAT WAS I THINKING.

and to the person who said my husband should 'man up'... i mean no offense, but let me see if i can clarify the gravity of our situation. we are snowed in, we can't pull out. we have no money to pull out even if we COULD leave. the pipes that let the waste out are frozen, our toilet is backed up. we can't go to the bathroom in our own house, and the whole house smells of toilet. i have to go outside and fill up jugs of water to have fresh water. RVs are not made for the cold. our dog's water bowl is half-frozen in the middle of our living room. we slept cold last night even with 2 blankets and a heater. wanna trade?

since all our stuff is freezing solid, it will probably break a fair number of pipes, and possibly even the brand new water heater we just put in. all because i jumped to come up here.

i no longer touch the money. i make calls only because my husband is hearing impaired. i HAVE to make the calls for him. every. single. thing. my husband has tried to entrust me with, i have destroyed somehow.

please.... PLEASE.... pray for me.