The first year of marriage - what is/was it like for you?

My first year of marriage was very rocky, which was something I certainly wasn't expecting! Nobody ever warned my husband nor I that the first year could be anything but roses. If you are arguing a lot, just remember that there are two of you from (probably) very different backgrounds/families coming together and finding common domestic ground. That's not going to be smooth sailing, but it is definitely worth it.

About divorce: I totally agree with what that author said. If you and your husband cement between you (and within yourselves!) that divorce will NEVER be an option, you will always try to find a way to make up after an argument. It will give you the humility to say sorry, even when it's not your fault, because you and your husband both know your marriage is the real thing - for life. Talk about it, agree on it, and work on reinforcing the fact that divorce is not an option between you.

I've been married for five years now. I don't pretend to be all wise about this, and I know I still have sooo much to learn. Sometimes I wish the learning didn't have to be so hard - or slow - at times! A book I read a long time ago said: "Nothing in life worth having ever comes easily." So true.

All the best

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses?

We're in the first year, and it really is Neither I mean, he's a wonderful guy But neither of us is really the "all roses" type to begin with. We don't argue much, though we do have our moments like anyone else

We were married September 20th of '08.


Have there been surprizes? What has been different than you imagined? (About your spose/ about your life together)

Not really, we were living together almost our entire dating relationship, there's very little to surprise you after that as a result. A situation regarding some of his family sort of shocked us both but that's about it.



What are you expecting/hoping the future to bring?

Continued love and support, and good times.



How long did you know your spose before getting married?

About a year, a little longer maybe.



An extra question: In your mind, is divorce an option?

I am divorced, from my first husband. Does that mean I think divorce is an "option"? No, it doesn't, actually. That's not the way it works. If you go into a marriage thinking "It's ok, if this doesn't work out, divorce is always an option". That isn't how I operate and it never will be. I play for keeps, and we'll be fine.



This is just something I've been thinking about, since I read a book where the author said that even letting the idea of a divorce in your head can damage the marriage..

I agree



Like.. when the hard times come, if you let yourself think that leaving and "finding something/someone better" might be an option, you won't put your whole heart to making your marriage work.

Also agree



I was married to my first husband for about 4 years, and while most people think that isn't really a very long time, it felt like an eternity to be married to someone who treated me as poorly as he did, and I spent those 4 long years trying to force the relationship to work right from the start every second of every day was an uphill battle (and by uphill, think an unscalable cliff rather than a sloping hillside). We only got married due to pregnancy -- there was no love, not even any respect, there was nothing but a baby. I kept divorce out of my mind for a very long time, right up until the end, when I knew that I needed to save my own life on this one and be able to live for God again rather than live in despair.

There's a tongue in cheek saying out there about first and second marriages, "first time for money, second time for love" -- not quite what I did (the first time had nothing to do with money), but my point is that the first time I married for the wrong reasons, and the second time, I got it right.

Our first year of marriage was tough...in fact, the first 1.5 yrs really....
We were very tight financially, I got pregnant about 3 months after we married, and then I lost almost all my hours at work and didn't even qualify for paid maternity when I left work.

My husband was struggling with a inappropriate content addiction, and I was struggling with past abuse issues.

Things just weren't easy. But God provided. Every time we weren't sure how to pay bills, a random cheque would come in the mail for the amount we were short for. We somehow made it. And now things are finally getting a bit less stressful.

I agree about the divorce option. We went into this marriage both saying that divorce just will not be an option. If you go into a marriage thinking "If this doesn't work out, I can just leave", most likely you will end up leaving. It's giving yourself an easy out, and at the first sign of trouble, the devil will use that!

Ephesians 4:27 says to not give the devil a foothold, or an opportunity to work (depending which version you read). That's all he needs, a small window.

Things will get better. You're learning to be part of a whole, instead of one by yourself. That's a lot! It takes time.

I've been married for about 2 1/2 years now. For us, the first year was definitely a period of adjustment. Not only hadn't we lived together before marriage, but we hadn't even lived in the same country until about a month before our marriage! Added to that was some financial stress as we waited for my husband to get his green card so that he could get a job.

It took us a while to work out how to divide up our chores, and how to best fulfill one another's needs, but I don't think I'd call it rocky overall. Maybe because we went through such an arduous process to get my husband into the country, I think we were above all so thankful to be together. That still carries us through some of the little bumps life throws at us.

(In answer to your questions, we dated long-distance for about a year and a half before we married, and we spent something like 8 weeks together before he moved here. I think in some ways, I'm surprised at how smoothly things have gone overall, and that we have proved to be as compatible in person as we were in our long-distance relationship. As a child of divorce, I'm always aware that divorce IS an option, but honestly, I can't imagine a circumstance in my marriage in which it would be the option I'd choose.)

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses?

The beginning of our marriage was a very tough time for me, but it was mostly because I had moved to a new city where I barely knew anyone and had no friends of my own, and because I was jobhunting for a year while working part-time at a coffee shop. I was very lonely and stressed and probably a little bit depressed too for 4 months before our wedding and about a year afterwards.

As for the actual marriage part of that year, it had it's bumps here and there. I was expecting that there would be bumps, but sometimes it was surprising what exactly become "bumps" and what didn't. For example, frequency of sex, initiating sex, sleeping patterns, and "hanging out together" time took quite awhile to figure out in a comfortable way. But nothing was a real shock to me (except for my aforementioned non-marriage issues), and we just figured it all out eventually. No big deal.

I'm hoping the future will see us learn better communication (especially better mid-argument communication), better understanding of one another. And I'm hoping for the usual house filled with children =). But I'm really looking forward to our future together, we've already learned so much about each other and about marriage in these first 3 years, and there's still so much more to learn!

I knew my husband for 3 years before we got married (6 months getting to know each other, 2 years dating, 6 month engagement).

Divorce is not really part of the equation. I see divorce as the last of all last resorts, something that should only be considered when a complete and irreparable destruction of trust has occurred (abuse, infidelity, etc.). I honestly can't see us ever getting to that point, because I know my husband and I know myself, and we are very committed to our marriage and making it work. I also believe we have a solid foundation of faith and strong family relationships that give us an extra boost of stability in our relationship.

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses?
We've been married now for four months and it has been amazing. We don't argue. I don't think we've ever argued, not because we avoid arguments but because we're both very keen to understand the other person and come to an agreement where both of us are happy.


Have there been surprizes? What has been different than you imagined? (About your spose/ about your life together)
I don't think there have been any surprises. We talked about a lot before we got married, and we spent a lot of time together. I would have been worried if there had been big surprises as that would mean that either he or I hadn't been ourselves during our dating/engagement period

What are you expecting/hoping the future to bring?
More of the same! Oh and babies

How long did you know your spose before getting married?
We started dating in July 2007, got engaged in January 2008 and married in October 2008. So we knew each other for just over a year by the time we got married.


An extra question: In your mind, is divorce an option?
Divorce is an option as in it's possible. I agree with Tropical Wilds (I think it was her) on that. However, our attitude is one of not allowing divorce to be an option in our relationship. I think the attitude of 'if it ain't working, I can get out' does mean that there is no real commitment to the relationship when things get tough. And with tough I mean the usual conflicts and stresses that every relationship can face, including illness. I don't mean abuse, whether physical or emotional. Nor do I mean adultery or other extreme situations.

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses?
There were arguments, no doubt. They say that the first five years tend to be the hardest. We're in our third year of mariage, and the arguments have been decreasing. The main arguments revolve around chores now. LOL

Have there been surprizes? What has been different than you imagined? (About your spose/ about your life together)
There have been suprizes. My husband has AD/HD. I didn't realize how hard it would be for him to hold down a job on account of it. He struggled to take dirrections at previous jobs, now no one will hire him. We work through it though.

What are you expecting/hoping the future to bring?
Children, a home we can settle into, growth and many more happy memories.

How long did you know your spose before getting married?
I knew him three years actually. We were engaged two and a half of those three years, but we couldn't aford a wedding until we moved up to Bozeman and both job decent paying jobs.

An extra question: In your mind, is divorce an option?
I told him that the only reason I would ever divorce him is if he cheated on me or intentionally hurt me. I promised not to leave him for any other reason. I was told something by a woman who had been married for fifty odd years that always helps me to stay committed. She said that, in every marriage, there comes a time when you just want to give up. Her time came when she was going through menapaus. The important thing is to keep on trying. I keep that in the back of my mind. After all, we make good memories together and we are super suportive of eachother. I've talked to several people who've been married a long time too, and they all can recall a time they had to stick through it (even though it was hard).

Tropical Wilds said:

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses?

Our first year was like every other year before and since our marriage. It was no different than when we were dating/engaged/living together. If I thought it would be, I wouldn't have married him... We've never had a rocky period where we argued a lot (I think we maybe argue once every year around hunting season), our life isn't a romance movie either. It's just happily normal.

Have there been surprizes? What has been different than you imagined? (About your spose/ about your life together)

Nothing has been different from what we expected. Again, we really thought about marriage and the ramifications of it, so there wasn't much to be surprised about.

What are you expecting/hoping the future to bring?

We don't worry about what we hope for our future together to bring, outside of just being together. That's enough.

How long did you know your spose before getting married?

We dated for 2 years, were engaged for 2 years, we've been married for almost 4.

In your mind, is divorce an option?

Divorce is always an option. It's legal and readily available, so it's always an option for everybody. It may be an option they choose not to entertain, but it's still an option. Considering the person you're with can choose divorce regardless of your feelings, divorce is always a possibility. The only thing that changes is if it's a possibility you want or an inevitability you can't prevent.

As for me, sure, divorce is an option. If he cheats or if I cheat, a divorce will probably be soon to follow. If he beats me or the dog or any of our hypothetical kids, becomes an alcoholic, an abuser, a druggie, a criminal, steals from the family, becomes a lazy bum who won't support himself or help to support the family, we'll probably divorce. If there's a major split in what our goals or outlooks are (ie, he becomes a conservative Christian or a devout Baptist, or if he decides he never ever wants kids, or if he decides family/marriage isn't a priority), then we'll probably divorce.

That said, if I thought that any of the above was a serious possibility, I wouldn't have married him. I don't think me initiating a divorce is something I have to worry about.

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So, in essence, when things get tough you will consider divorce? You pretty much named every common hardball thrown at a marriage, and added "then we'll probably divorce" at the end. Im not criticizing, I'm just shocked to hear a christian say that so many things would warrant a divorce. (assuming you are a christian).

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses? The beginning was very hard for us. He was deployed about 8 months for the first year of our marriage and the separation really didn't help the adjustment at all. I had to learn to do literally everything by myself and he had to realize that even though he was deployed and had been a single soldier for 7 years, he was not single anymore. When he came home, I wanted EVERYTHING to be my way. I have a very strong personality and he is very laid back, so I had a tendency to fight him on everything to get my way. My sister pointed out how I was acting and I prayed and made a conscious effort to compromise and things started to get better.

Have there been surprizes? What has been different than you imagined? (About your spose/ about your life together) My dad had a 9-5 job and was home every night, so the fact my husband's job is so opposite of that was definitely a surprise.

What are you expecting/hoping the future to bring? I'm praying it will be a long life together

How long did you know your spose before getting married? About a year.

Is divorce ever an option for us? I used to say if he ever cheated on me I would be gone in a second, but now I don't think I could say that. We've both grown and been through a lot together I don't think I could just throw it all away. I definitely don't believe in "if things aren't working out, we'll just get a divorce". I think really the only way I'd seriously consider it was if he was physically violent with me (but if you knew my husband, he's just a big marshmallow, lol).

Let me start by saying that I have been married for forty years....yea, I know...I'm old. I married my husband when I was 21 -years old...we had known each other for six months.The first year was difficult, not because of the marriage, but because my brother-in-law died in VietNam and my father died suddenly. We have survived the deaths of all of our parents, the birth of four children, the marriage of all four children, the births of eight grandchildren, a catastrophic illness that has left my husband disabled and the death of one our our precious son's. Thru it all, the one thing that never failed was our faith in Jesus. Marriage is not between two people....it is between three....the man, the woman and Jesus. When ever we disagreed...we went to scripture and searched until we found an answer....usually in I Cor 13:4-8.."love is patient it is kind, it does not envy,,it does not boast,it is not proud, it is not rude, it does not demand its own way, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong doing, love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, it always protects, hopes, trust and perseveres. Love never fails." If you believe those words, and try to be that kind of a mate...the rest is easy. There is not greater gift than to spend your life with a person who believes those words, and tries to live them. I pray that you and your husband will have many,many years together. My dear daughter-in-law only got four years with my son, her friend, only got five years with her young husband before he died, and my daughters best friend buried her husband of nine years, leaving four children .....all three died in the past year. Learn to find joy in each day, for none of us knows how many days we have on this earth....I wish you a marriage filled with Christ's love....

Candida said:

We've been married nearly 6 months, and I'd like to share thoughts with people in similar life stage. Or if you've been married for a several years, you can share your memories about how it was to be newly wedd And maybe give some advice too!

So.. some questions:

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses?

Have there been surprizes? What has been different than you imagined? (About your spose/ about your life together)

What are you expecting/hoping the future to bring?

How long did you know your spose before getting married?


An extra question: In your mind, is divorce an option?
This is just something I've been thinking about, since I read a book where the author said that even letting the idea of a divorce in your head can damage the marriage.. Like.. when the hard times come, if you let yourself think that leaving and "finding something/someone better" might be an option, you won't put your whole heart to making your marriage work.

And of course other thoughts around this topic are wellcomed too! You don't need to be bound be the questions, just tell what's on your mind

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I don't know that I agree with that author because I think that attempting to deny what you are feeling does not help matters or make a problem go away.....

The first year was our hardest... because it was the year that was the most disspointing... I ASSUMED a lot of things about my husband... like that he would not mind when I treated him meanly and would always be sensitive caring and understanding... that he would always think of me first... but boy was that the farthest from the truth... I found out pretty quickly within the first month or two that my husband was a big self centered baby (ok, I know that sounds very disrespectful and it is.... i'm just quoting what my thoughts were at the time, not what they are right now) but everything was about him and how he felt and he showed little to no consideration to how I was feeling... and the short time he did he gave up pretty quickly on caring... like after the first month of marriage.

We seperated with the intent to divorce after the first 1.5 years of marriage... we are/were both God fearing consciencious respectable christians who went into marriage swearing we'd never cheat, we'd never divorce or even consider it.... but I ended up seperating and having an affair before the second year of marriage and began to really dislike self righteous judgemental christians who were all about telling you what not to do, but were not there for you or caring about you when you were truly in need. It changed my perspective on a lot of things and I guess you can say it was a humbling experience for me.

It got to the point with me that I did think about it (divorce) even though I purposefully tried not to think about it and constantly condemned myself for it.... you just cannot help how you feel, bottom line.. you can change your thinking with the help of the lord, but simply denying how you feel does not mean it's not happening if you know what I mean. So anyways.... my husband is/was a very very very stubborn man... he would not waver or move an inch for his convictions or his way of thinking and being... and it got to the point one day after so much exhausted arguing and fighting that it dawned on me "you know, he just doesn't give a rat.... and I am miserable why continue trying to make a marriage work that I don't even want to be in"... it was that day that I told him I wanted to seperate and he was fine with it, he gave me a wad of money to get myself by while I went and stayed with a friend in another town and got established in a job and we both left and went our seperate ways... and I was relieved. Finally.. an end to all the misery.... well right way I hooked up with another man.... I rationalized that we were getting a divorce anyways as a matter of fact I thought it would help things along.... and to make a longer story short when it finally dawned on my husband that I was serious ( you see, he later admitted that he thought this was only going to be a temporary thing) and that I really did not care about his feelings and that I really intended on getting a divorce and that he could not control me... he began to change.... I did not expect this nor did I welcome it at first... but he insisted on calling me every day... and at first he'd interrogate me (because I was immediately up front with him about the affair) and getting hung up on he started being nice to me and started listening to me... which is what I needed all along... when he TRULY started listening to me he then TRULY started understanding me and became repentant for some things and well 5 months later I reluctantly got back together with him and got pregnant right away....

Are things all roses now?? Nope! He's still stubborn, he's still unsympathetic and he still doesn't listen to me. But the difference is that he is adjustable now whereas before he was completely unwavering. I don't think about divorce anymore, for the first 4.5 years I thought about it continually but things are so much better then they used to be though I still come on here and still have my complaints. We are about to celebrate our 10th anniversory.

So I guess I sort of answered all your questions except how long we knew eachother... not long enough... we got married after only 7 months of knowing eachother... and it was rocky when we were dating... if I was wise I wouldn't have married him atleast not under those circumstances.. is it possible the lord would've brought us together anyways, very possible.... were we meant to be... sure, because God knew where we were spiritually and emotionally and if it really wasn't meant to happen it wouldn't have.

HB

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses?

I think all marriages are a time period of adjustments it takes time Living with the person you plan to spend your life with is wonderful in thought but takes a lot of work. By work meaning compermise no two people think alike. The chioce to get married is the most serious we may make in our lives because it involves commitment loveing someone when they mess up haveing the courage the endore thru any circumstance that comes at you. No one said love would be easy. Look how much God goes thru with each of us. Just us being his children. But with Gods help thru the hard times to the better times he helps us grow in marriage with our spouse. Your gona go thru hard times one or both of you will feel like throwing in the towel but do not give the hard time to God let him see you thru. Grow with each other there is a saying my mom use to quote to my dad when she get so mad at him. Grow with me the best is yet to be. I look at my marriage and compare it to my parents and realize that she was right no one is perfect the journey is a long and hard one and that as we grow in God we also grow in marriage. And as we grow it just keeps getting better.
I am married 5 years my parents 25 and grandparents are married 50 years.

Have there been surprizes? What has been different than you imagined? (About your spose/ about your life together)
Of course there is you learn more as you grow about each other your spouse is a part of you.

What are you expecting/hoping the future to bring?
Expect and hope we grow closer to each other.

How long did you know your spose before getting married?
1 1/2 years

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses?
Its been both actually. A healthy blend of conflict and cuddling. We both have our days, our ups and downs, our issues and attitudes, things we were/are not willing to let go of.

Then we have our awesome, most fun days together. He loves to tickle me and I hound him about how handsome he is, and he acts like he doesnt do anything to me .

Its in the conflict we know who is FOR us, not against us. In the cuddling we know that God has allowed us to find eachother from opposite ends of the country.

Our pastor has told us that the hardest year of marriage is always in the 1st year. And its so true!!: I've wanted to give up and divorce him in the midst of my rage and anger, but he always reminds me that we are in this together and he won't let me give up and back down. In May will be a year.

Have there been surprizes? What has been different than you imagined? (About your spose/ about your life together)
Of course there are surprises. In every situation, circumstance and predicament there is always an opportunity to see the other side of your spouse. I never knew how many things about my husband that would quite literally GET ON MY NERVES!!! Certain things he does really get under my skin, but that just shows our eccentricities in ourselves, and how different we truly are. With us, opposites did attract. And still do .

Yes it has been different, but not bad. We live and we learn. And realize what God wants to do in us each.

What are you expecting/hoping the future to bring?As we continue to grow in the Lord and desire to do His will: many blessings, favor & continued grace. We are kinda, sorta planning for children . As we allow God to use us and mold us to be the individuals and the couple He wants out of us, we hope to start ministries and help other couple get on the right path of Godly thinking of their marriage as well.

How long did you know your spose before getting married?
less than a year. we started up officially in August, the Lord brought him out to me in January the following year. Completely NOT what I planned at all. That's God for you .

An extra question: In your mind, is divorce an option?
well, several questions ago i made it an option :o. But ultimately my hubby made it clear that to him it wasn't and to God it was out of the question.

Hint: a loving husband will kindly and affectionally rebuke his wife when she is acting like a spoiled little girl, treating people around her unfavorably, and allowing the enemy to control her thoughts, making divorce "seem" like an option.

YOU MUST MAKE MARRIAGE WORK IF ITS TO WORK FOR YOU. HUGS TO ALL MY GAL PALS OUT THERE

Candida said:

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses?

Have there been surprizes? What has been different than you imagined? (About your spose/ about your life together)

What are you expecting/hoping the future to bring?

How long did you know your spose before getting married?


An extra question: In your mind, is divorce an option?

Click to expand...

1. No, the beginning of our marraige has not been rocky. We have not argued a lot. It has not all been romance and roses, but there's been a LOT of romance and roses. Only few rocky parts.

2. I am surpsied my desire for him is nothing like it was before we married and were virgins. The ideas in my head of how it was going to be don't really match up. Other than that, there's been no surprises. Hubby might say he was surprised with how angry I got a few times. But that actually happened before the wedding. (One of his ex-girlfriends causing troubles days before our wedding).

3. My expectations were on a very realistic level, and so far they have all come true except for the intimate parts.

4. I knew my spouse for 5 years before marrying him.

5. Divorce is never an option. I never consider it.

Been married 10 years....

First year: The only really rocky thing was that the home he owned was co-owned by his mom so we were living with his family. I wasn't happy. We didn't have fights per se, but it was just tough to settle in and be carefree. I hardly even wanted to be home.

What has been different than what I expected? The severe financial struggles we've faced.

We knew each other for 3 years and that's including the platonic stage, dating and engagement.

We have pledged over and over that we're in this for the long haul. Divorce is not an option in our minds.

Hello! Hurray, I'm going to start my first post on the forum about my hubby <3

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses?
We've had two fights, both times rather trivial, and due to personality differences. He likes sharing ideas close to his heart, and I am prone to logical debates. He thought I was attacking his beliefs, and I thought he was just talking illogical nonsense . Thankfully both fights were resolved quickly. [EDIT: forgot to mentioned we have been married little over two years now]

Have there been surprizes? What has been different than you imagined? (About your spose/ about your life together)
We married not long after we just turned 22. In a big city I guess this is uncommon. None of my girl friends were supportive. One even said she was sure we'd divorce after half a year.

What are you expecting/hoping the future to bring?
Happy memories, like some of you said Whatever God brings, he brings blessings with it.

How long did you know your spose before getting married?
Knew him from Christian College, decided we should be married within the first year. We waited about two years, mainly due to moving about and no money.

An extra question: In your mind, is divorce an option?
I can only speak about "options" for myself : if due to apostasy of spouse, unrepentant infidelity, physical/emotional/sexual abuse, temporary separation for observation may be necessary.

So.. some questions:

Has the beginning of your marriage been rocky, have you argued a lot, or has it been all romance and roses?

We are both very strong-willed, so we do tend to argue, but it's always a "growth argument." I always learn something new about him and myself. There have also been lots of roses (not related to the arguing, though )

Have there been surprizes? What has been different than you imagined? (About your spose/ about your life together)

I think the biggest surprise was that he became more vulnerable to me. We started our marriage as a team for God, but I never knew I could get this honest and close to anyone before and still feel safe (although that has a lot to do with the issues in my past)

What are you expecting/hoping the future to bring?

I know that he would like to know what God has in store for him, where God wants him to go. I think we both are hoping to raise a Godly family some time in the future...the distant future.

How long did you know your spose before getting married?

I knew him a year before dating, and had dated him right at two years when he proposed, and then we got married 10 months after that.

An extra question: In your mind, is divorce an option?

Divorce is not an option. Will Smith said something to that effect. That if divorce is not even in the picture, then it forces you to really work through the mess.