I think I have become a really bad wife

I feel terrible about this fact but I am not sure what to do about it. Being a mom takes up SO much of my time and energy. The house is a mess 90% of the time. I stopped cooking when I was pregnant and couldn't smell food without puking. 17 months later, DH is still doing most of the cooking. I don't work. I spend WAY too much time online. Poor, DH doesn't get any, uh, "quality time" very often - like twice a month, if that. We made love more times in a week the first year we were married than we have in the 9 months since our son was born. He doesn't complain, but he's a good sort, loves me and the kid very much, etc. Doesn't change the fact that I am royally stinking in the wife department at the moment.

Blah. I am a good mom. I just can't do everything and be everything I want to be for my husband. He's taking a back seat right now and I don't know what to do about it.

Be nice to me. I'm sensitive.

That's one reason I'm glad I can't have kids

I feel your pain though, I'm a full-time graduate student AND I have a job. This on top of health problems that steal a lot of my energy... our condo is a mess, too. We're slowly working on getting our things cleaner and more organized... the key word is SLOWLY. About a month ago we cleaned out our car, and we've managed to keep it clean since then (remarkable feat) because we refuse to leave anything in there - when we get out of the car, we take everything with us. We then did the same thing with our table, which usually is covered with food boxes, mail, etc. Now it's usually clean. We're still working on the rest of the place but our living room no longer has papers all over the floor because we got a filing tray.

My husband does most of the cooking too

From what I hear, being a mom is a full-time job... very very demanding! I'm glad your husband understands, because he should

grace, hun, I've been there. It's going to be OKAY. It really is. Just hang in there.


You are blessed beyond measure to have such an understanding husband. Life sure turns around when 2 become 3 huh? I'm going to suggest something that might sound a little strange, but it's worth considering. It sounds to me (and remember, I'm NOT a professional in any way) like you might be suffering from some post-natal blues. Get in touch with your local health community and see if there is an affordable agency for you to get in touch with some relief help. Don't take $$ as a barrier, there should be NO reason that you can't get some stress-relief from this. Also, get in contact with your local church or parish offices. They should know of some faith-based agencies that could be helpful.

Get together with another mum or two for a day or an afternoon a week or so. See if your town or city has any kind of Mum's meeting place, like a Mums and Tots kind of activity. It's going to be a huge boost off that chair, but you NEED it for your mental health as much as for your marriage.

And of course, PRAY! Then pray some more. Get people around you praying! You're going to be a fabulous Mum!

Hm. I think we all to an extent feel like a "bad" spouse sometimes.
I know that since I also am not currently working I feel bad spending money, even if it's on something totally justifiable - because technically it's not "my" money.

First off, I would go and read Proverbs 31 and being a godly woman and wife. Second of all realize that it's not you're a "bad wife" you've just gotten out of your groove.
That many months without being able to be around food will have that effect on you.

But if you're feeling this way that probably means that it's time you got back into your regular habits and schedule.
Start slow - just make dinner twice a week - take up some of the cleaning again and make your DH relax.
It'll work you just need to re-form these habits you lost - so don't fret about it.

~ Niff

You mean it dosen't get better once the baby arrives

So, I told my DH how I was feeling this morning and he says, "You stay home and take care of our baby...and you sometimes don't spend all our money. What else could a man ask for?" He's such a goof. He did say that maybe we could try harder to get some quality time together. I love how he makes it sound optional.

I guess I'm really feeling pressure from the idea that a marriage is DOOMED if you are not putting tons of effort into it and having frequent sex. Like if Mr. Paints decided to start going to strip clubs or something, everyone would turn around and say, "See?! That's what you get!" He's not into that sort of thing, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop - like SURELY marriages can't survive very long when you can go 2-3 days without even touching each other at all and not realize it. (I have since made a commitment to more kissing BTW). So far, nothing horrific has happened. I think we are getting better at talking through our stress TBH - still, IDK, I feel like it all looks really bad on paper and that a marriage counselor would have a field day even though we seem to still be getting on just fine.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but yeah.

Mr. Paints sounds like a really cool guy. Kinda reminds me of myself when I was his age.

We're pretty much in the same boat. But Mrs. Red will cook (she's too much of a food snob to leave that to me all the time).

I get annoyed sometimes, but I won't complain. It feels wrong to complain. Like Mrs. Paints said, she's at home raising the child, which is a huge deal. Could we ask for more? Maybe. Should we ask for more? No. It's sorta socially unacceptable to and we're not dumb because we know this.

You're very fortunate that you get to stay at home with your child. I try to do things on a bit of a schedule. Not rigorous or anything, but it helps me get what I need to do done. I work full time so my house is not always clean, but I do try to pick up a little everyday so that it does not get out of hand. I also plan my dinners for the week in advance and I go shopping on Sat. or Sun. and I get what all I need and I actually end up spending a lot less money this way. That way I know exactly what we will be having for dinner each night and it's usually things that can be prepared in less than 30 minutes. I wash the dishes that I use and will not need anymore as I go while I cook and we use plastic knives and forks and cups and paper plates. That way all I have to do is throw that stuff away and I usually only have a couple of dishes that need to be washed after dinner. If you can get your house good and clean then if you pick-up the little bit of mess that gets made daily then keeping clean really isn't so hard or time consuming. Although, I know you have a little one running around making cleaning a little more difficult. These are just some things that I do to try and keep things in order. If anything sounds good to you then hopefully I have been of some help. You will be just fine. Like another poster said - you just need to find your groove again.

P.S. - You have a wonderful and patient husband and you are also very fortunate in that department.

Being sensitive first:

I'll write more at another time but today it's hugs



~Faithful

Honestly, it sounds like you guys are doing fine. He respects you and wants you to be happy, and you respect him and want him to be happy. You're having a rough time right now, but you want to get better and you are going to make an effort to get better.

The fact that you communicate bodes well. I hope things get easier.

You go Mr. Paints! I think he is a very understanding LOVING husband and you are blessed Grace! I was so worried that DH would be jealous once my first child got here and I was so enthralled with her. He wasn't and couldn't believe I would think he could be. My children take alot of my time. Right now my husband is kinda in the background and is very understanding. I try to schedule a few nights a week for him. I plan my meals in advance so I don't have to come up with something at the last minute. I try to take a few minutes for myself as well.

Feeling like you are dong EVERYTHING wrong, and then looking at what doing EVERYTHING right would require is overwhelming and impossible!

As you are able to make some changes, start with one small thing...
*Plan ahead to initiate sex one night in the next week and take a nap when baby does.
*Prepare a crockpot supper one day, not make a week's worth of dinners.

20 years from now... you will care a lot about what kind of young man your son will be and you won't even remember what you had for dinner.

gracepaints said:

I feel terrible about this fact but I am not sure what to do about it. Being a mom takes up SO much of my time and energy. The house is a mess 90% of the time. I stopped cooking when I was pregnant and couldn't smell food without puking. 17 months later, DH is still doing most of the cooking. I don't work. I spend WAY too much time online. Poor, DH doesn't get any, uh, "quality time" very often - like twice a month, if that. We made love more times in a week the first year we were married than we have in the 9 months since our son was born. He doesn't complain, but he's a good sort, loves me and the kid very much, etc. Doesn't change the fact that I am royally stinking in the wife department at the moment.

Blah. I am a good mom. I just can't do everything and be everything I want to be for my husband. He's taking a back seat right now and I don't know what to do about it.

Be nice to me. I'm sensitive.

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I think it's important for you to embrace his acceptance and love in your failure to be the wife you want to be. Also know that it shows that you are a good wife because you care. YOu sound like me in that you have a lot on your plate... a lot to juggle around... one day the kids are going to get bigger, you'll get more organized, you'll work something out so the house becomes less and less of a mess over time, but the important thing is that you're husband's love isn't conditional right now, instead of feeling bad about yourself (which is inevitable) express your feelings and appreciation to him for just loving you inspite of everything. His unconditional love is so important for you to have the space that you'll need to learn and grow. And in the mean time you can work on one thing at a time, as the lord gives you grace.

HB

^ I totally agree, beautiful post HB.

Your Hubby sounds great Gracepaints. Some days when I'm feeling guilty about my domestically challenged self and talk it over with DH (Great that you guys communicate about this), he says to enjoy the freedom and time with the kids while I can!

But, do you want some practical tips?
1. DH and I pray together about this - about what we both would desire, what we struggle with, and for God's help.
2. DH and I talked about it, and came up with some minimum standards. For instance, the minimum is the living room needs to be clean when DH comes home from work - so he doesn't walk into chaos + stress level shoots up. That makes for happier family time. Other minimum things are, laundry is up to date (again, stressful realising at 6am you have no socks to wear to work).
3. Once you both agree on the basics, you can sort out your day to start fitting them in - baby steps! One thing that worked for me was setting myself 1 job a day. That is not so overwhelming and easy to get done quickly...

Niffer said:

Hm. I think we all to an extent feel like a "bad" spouse sometimes.
I know that since I also am not currently working I feel bad spending money, even if it's on something totally justifiable - because technically it's not "my" money.

First off, I would go and read Proverbs 31 and being a godly woman and wife. Second of all realize that it's not you're a "bad wife" you've just gotten out of your groove.
That many months without being able to be around food will have that effect on you.

But if you're feeling this way that probably means that it's time you got back into your regular habits and schedule.
Start slow - just make dinner twice a week - take up some of the cleaning again and make your DH relax.
It'll work you just need to re-form these habits you lost - so don't fret about it.

~ Niff

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Niff, good advice!

Gracepaints, you worry too much. Baby is taking too much of your time which is very natural.
That first year after the baby was born I also neglected my hubby. I even did not iron his shirts. Anybody who knows me also knows that I iron everyday and everything! Not ironing is a cardinal sin for me! So, my hubby was neglected big time. Things do get better! But you have a great hubby!

gracepaints said:

I feel terrible about this fact but I am not sure what to do about it. Being a mom takes up SO much of my time and energy. The house is a mess 90% of the time. I stopped cooking when I was pregnant and couldn't smell food without puking. 17 months later, DH is still doing most of the cooking. I don't work. I spend WAY too much time online. Poor, DH doesn't get any, uh, "quality time" very often - like twice a month, if that. We made love more times in a week the first year we were married than we have in the 9 months since our son was born. He doesn't complain, but he's a good sort, loves me and the kid very much, etc. Doesn't change the fact that I am royally stinking in the wife department at the moment.

Blah. I am a good mom. I just can't do everything and be everything I want to be for my husband. He's taking a back seat right now and I don't know what to do about it.

Be nice to me. I'm sensitive.

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I wouldn't say you're a bad wife so much as your priorities have changed. You say you spend too much time on line yet you don't cook dinner etc... When you have time to spend as you please and there is no outside pressure for you to do anything it becomes up to you to decide what to do with your time. Sort of like a teenager who graduates but is allowed to live at home given free room and board no questions asked. Is it the kid's fault for being demotivated or the parent's fault for not pushing the kid to 'do something'. Obviously you are not a child and your husband should not be expected to treat you like one. You decide what you will do or not do.

gracepaints said:

He's taking a back seat right now and I don't know what to do about it.

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I believe this is the first step in improving the situation, recognizing that there is a situation in need of improving. This is your first child, right? Having a child is a major life altering event and it takes some longer than others to level out at their new normal. Perhaps you are ready to change up your priorities now that your child is beyong the infancy stage (as Autumnleaf suggested).

Talk to him and express how you feel. As husbands and wives, sometimes we spend too much time mulling over these types of fears in our heads or with people on the net instead of those we live with.

Everything will be fine. You sound like you care and if you catch things like this early, before walls get built up, you will work it out.

gracepaints said:

I feel terrible about this fact but I am not sure what to do about it. Being a mom takes up SO much of my time and energy. The house is a mess 90% of the time. I stopped cooking when I was pregnant and couldn't smell food without puking. 17 months later, DH is still doing most of the cooking. I don't work. I spend WAY too much time online. Poor, DH doesn't get any, uh, "quality time" very often - like twice a month, if that. We made love more times in a week the first year we were married than we have in the 9 months since our son was born. He doesn't complain, but he's a good sort, loves me and the kid very much, etc. Doesn't change the fact that I am royally stinking in the wife department at the moment.

Blah. I am a good mom. I just can't do everything and be everything I want to be for my husband. He's taking a back seat right now and I don't know what to do about it.

Be nice to me. I'm sensitive.

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Ok one positive thing to point out is that you did something very good by at least posting this. It shows that you have recognized a problem in your marriage and your accepting fault, and are not just being passive. In my opinion that is the first step to solving a problem and is very commendable

Your husband, according to your post, is extremely supportive, and loves you very much. I believe he is being very patient with you. Let your love for your husband magnify your efforts also to be a better wife in the way you feel that you should improve. Acknowledge God in all your efforts and cast all your cares upon him, and he will help you in any situation.

I don't have children, so I am unable to relate to you in that way, but I do know that when there is a will there is way. Yay!