What Not To Say To Survivors Of Abuse

Lilybean · Nov 9, 2007

The things that I hate the most would have to be:
There is always 2 sides to every story ...... don't believe me then!
Get over it ...... I will when you get a life!
I understand exactly how you feel .... yeah right!
Well in my life I ....... turning the tables on what you need to talk about and relating to a completely different topic all about them.
You poor thing ...... Yuk just what I don't need!

Kristen.NewCreation · Nov 9, 2007

My bio mother wrote me once saying... "It was a long time ago. Just forgive and forget."

I have forgiven, but just because I have forgiven, doesn't mean I'll ever have to be around my bio father again, or her for that matter. It only means I have a peace in my life and I am free to let the pain go as much as I can.

Oh... and I'll NEVER forget... I'll always remember and hopefully use my horrible experience for something good to salvage that part of my life.

Great thread.

JobM · Nov 27, 2007

This has probably been already posted but this is my #1 favorite comment.

"You have no reason to feel that way."

To me, that would invalidate everything someone has been through.

JobM · Nov 27, 2007

There is the other extreme which tends to catch me off guard. You end up having to comfort the listener about what you went through.

Job (to sobbing listener) It's okay, God's allowed these things to happen to me so I can become better equipped for his work he prepared for me.

Listener: But it's not fair. *sniff* You...*sniff*... You didn't deserve that.

Job: Maybe not, but there are people who have it worse off than me.

Listener: (face soaked in tears) It shouldn't have happened. It's not fair!! (she repeats the two phrases, Job puts his arms around her and plants his face to hers, feeling her tears run down onto his face, she finally starts to calm down)

Job: (To himself) It's over.

Listener: (loud wail) Why! Why! WHYYYYYYY!!!!!

Job: I spoke too soon (Suddenly the listener's eyes sprays out tears like a water hose)

Job: I can't swim!!

Talk about crying someone a river, eh?

There's validation for you.

Sam48 · Dec 3, 2007

"Men can't help themselselves (rape)" and another one that hurt me was "you shoudn't have put off your clothes."

About my abuse people sometimes just said "but he was so nice" yea right!!!!

xyzabc123 · Dec 11, 2007

My least favorites:

"It's not that big of a deal, get over it."

"They're just misguided, you can't blame them."

"Racism was part of their generation, you just have to grin and bear it." - Never should I be forced to listen to how I am sub-human because it's part of someone's "generation."

"Christians don't abuse people, so you must be making this up." Yeah, sure, and if you believe that then I have a bridge to sell you.

Tsadde · Dec 14, 2007

I have forgiven (i.e. let go of the demand that this person ever make it up to me) but perhaps this example of what my former pastor said could help someone know what NOT to say.

He said, "The thigh muscles are the strongest muscles in a woman's body. No woman can be raped unless she co-operates."
This was followed up shortly after with, "The scripture says your husband owns your body. You have no right to ever deny him sex. That is sin."
And, "There is no such thing as rape in a Christian marriage."
And, "If you co-operated in an act of fornication as a child YOU are the one who needs to repent. It is your sinful reaction and failing to take responsibility for your part in it that has caused you all these emotional problems. A lot of young girls can act very seductively."

Bianca01 · Dec 17, 2007

Tsadde said:
I have forgiven (i.e. let go of the demand that this person ever make it up to me) but perhaps this example of what my former pastor said could help someone know what NOT to say.

He said, "The thigh muscles are the strongest muscles in a woman's body. No woman can be raped unless she co-operates."
This was followed up shortly after with, "The scripture says your husband owns your body. You have no right to ever deny him sex. That is sin."
And, "There is no such thing as rape in a Christian marriage."
And, "If you co-operated in an act of fornication as a child YOU are the one who needs to repent. It is your sinful reaction and failing to take responsibility for your part in it that has caused you all these emotional problems. A lot of young girls can act very seductively."

So I hope you then told him, "Just because someone calls you Pastor doesn't mean you're working for God."

What an awful experience for you. I am appalled by what this highly uninformed person said to you. I hope he's your "former" pastor because he got voted out of your congregation.

Tsadde · Dec 18, 2007

yup
-and he still doesn't understand why some of the women in the church didn't seem to like him. Or the women -and a lot of men who didn't respond to "tough love", in his next three churches, for that matter.

JoshuaM · Dec 21, 2007

perhaps it is a mistake to tell somebody who is a survivor that you love them if they are unhealed, especially if struggling with depression. I find it is easy for both to lose sight of God, and hurt themselves. The abused person will put their hope in the non-survivor, while the non-survivor will put hope in the relationship. I find it is better to stress how much God loves the survivor, than to stress how much the non-survivor loves the survivor, and to show God's love and stop trying to show how much we love the survivor. After all, the Lord is the divine healer. I am just a vessel. While some things a person might say may simply hurt feelings, others said may simply be a mistake.

s_gunter · Dec 21, 2007

This may have been already said in the thread, but I need to repeat it, just for personal reasons.

1. Don't ever tell a person that it probably didn't happen the way they say it did.

2. Don't ever tell a person what he/she has or does not have the right to feel.

3. Don't ever make excuses of any kind for the abuser. All that does is put the blame for the abuse on the abused.

quietheart · Dec 28, 2007

You haven't forgiven - fill in the blank- yet?
You have to forgive your abuser, tht's what God wants.
and the number 1 in my book, told to me by my rapist wife: Yes he told me all about what happened when he was younger and I love him even more for telling me.

DoesAnybodyHearHer · Jan 1, 2008

the ones i get alot are:
1, it happened along time ago get over it (yes i know it happened a long time ago i was there)
2, your just a normal teenager (great thanks for the support)

Serpt · Jan 13, 2008

quietheart said:
told to me by my rapist wife: Yes he told me all about what happened when he was younger and I love him even more for telling me.

She's SICK!!

quietheart · Jan 15, 2008

Thanx, glad I'm not the only one who thinks she's sick, possibly as sick as him.
Es

GodslovesavedJen · Jan 25, 2008

I was told recently to stop feeling sorry for yourself and it hurt me a lot. She said I'm just trying to get attention from people. That really ticked me off.

Serpt · Jan 25, 2008

One person said abuse happen when kids are good looking, implying it couldn't happen to me. All abusers say they could never be attracted to kids. I don't understand when people want so much for me to understand and forgive the sick adult.

sunstruckdream · Feb 13, 2008

'Oh, grow up and get over yourself.'

At first I was more shocked than angry that someone actually said this.

sunstruckdream · Feb 13, 2008

quietheart said:
You haven't forgiven - fill in the blank- yet?
You have to forgive your abuser, tht's what God wants.
and the number 1 in my book, told to me by my rapist wife: Yes he told me all about what happened when he was younger and I love him even more for telling me.

The first two reminded me:

"well, if you don't forgive me, satan's clearly taken hold of you. i'll have to pray extra hard for you."

...COMING FROM THE MAN WHO BEAT ME REGULARLY.

Brittanyeah · Feb 16, 2008

Bianca01 said:
Get over it already... that was a long time ago. (It doesn't matter how long ago it happened. It still affects me now.)

That's like the worst one for me and my best friend. We're YOUNG, and it's STILL HAPPENING. An adult actually said that to her... it just made my heart break...

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