As a gay man, going to ex-gay therapy is a bit like the opposite of the kid that used to harrass you in high school, and always call you a, um, word that rhymes with brag, but then see him in a gay bar 4 years later, and have him say, "Hey! Remember me? From high school?" (They've done studies that actually show how those who have the most animosity towards homosexuals have same sex attractions.)
Only, with exgays, it seems to go the opposite direction - they go back into the closet, then direct their self hatred at anger toward other gays, to take the focus off of themselves.
I don't know if I have ever met an "ex-gay". I'm met people that have gone through repartive therapy, but they were ex-exgays if anything.
Sexuality is more complicated than we want to admit.
I don't think anyone is 100% straight or gay, and we all fall on a different continuum, like a bell curve.
Unfortunately, people, and often, christian groups, will look at it over simplistically. "I'm not attracted to the same sex, most people aren't, so it must be a conscious choice." (I like chocolate, most people do, but not everyone likes chocolate. Is that a choice?)
Or "The bible clearly states that homosexuality is a sin."
(That is debated even by theologians, and both sides will usually agree that it isn't "clear" because of the context, the words used that suggest "temple prostitute", etc.
"God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."
If there was a God that made two people "as his plan", then incest was part of his plan, because that's what two people's offspring would have to do to continue the line - inbred hillbillies.
They will say, "It's not natural. Animals don't do that." You show them that animals do have homosexual sex, and of those animals that are monogamous, homosexual mates, and are told, "well, we aren't animals," negating their own argument.
Or the theory that "there was an absent father, a dominant mother." yes, that was my case, but I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters, and I'm the only one who's gay.
My brother said that when he was in a seminar, a man spoke about the groups relationships with their father. He said, "Can I see a show of hands for anyone that experiences this: Happy Father's Day, Dad!" "Why, thank you.....Do you want to talk to your mother?" Almost the whole room laughed and raised their hand. Most fathers werer like that - so afraid that their boys will turn out gay, that they never show them any affection, didn't talk about emotions or feelings, just showed you how to do things, and had little verbal skills.
Fortunately things have changed, but even when I would babysit in highschool, I would play superheroes with the kids, and Johnny was Superman, but Mike wanted to be Isis (a female), and would do it with such commitment.
I remember being in kindergarten, and most of the boys were drawing dragcars, fighter planes, monsters .I was drawing a house with a smiling sun, and flowers in the garden - and yet, because I was drawing something peaceful, and not a implement of destruction, they worried that there might be something "wrong" with me. Yes, there was - i didn't think starting fights made sense, I didn't think it was ok to pick on other kids, especially ones smaller, didn't like to make people cry... Get me to a therapist!!!
What's the most interesting about your story is that you talk about being a sex addict.
However, if you watch almost any kind of TV, you will see similar heterosexual activity. The show "Keys to the VIP" is all about proving what a man you are by picking up women. Men brag about how many women they sleep with, go to strip joints, and encourage women to kiss each other (if not more).
My opinion of it is that it's deceitful. It's a lie of hope to someone who is desparate to be something they are, something socially accepted. But it's not unlike a black person in the 50s relaxing their hair, dressing white, changing their speech, etc. They are still looked at as black, and an exgay person will still be seen as someone who is either gay, or exgay, but never heterosexual.
But I suppose that we all have to go through the process of self loathing, self actualization, questioning "what does it mean to be a man", questioning the church, praying to God, etc.
As a Christian, I prayed to God often about it. I had a difficult time admitting I was gay to God, myself, and could never admit it to others. And I agonized over it in countless prayers, until God finally told me, though thought, through the words of others, that I'm perfect just the way God made me.
And I found that my understanding of God was suddenly opened up. God didn't find me "disgusting" or "an abomination." That, too, was a lie.
But that is what most gay people are up against. The non-christians will beat you up, harrass you, call you a sick pervert. The church will say that you are not only a sinner, but even hated by God.
So, you feel alone, isolated. Some turn to drinking, some to drugs, some to anonymous sex, all which allow temporary relief (not unlike their heterosexual counterparts, except that they are not only accepted in their partying actions, they are congratulated).
But what you really want is to be loved, to be loved for who you are, to be held when you watch TV or fall asleep, someone to talk to when you are upset, someone who encourages you.
So, similar to heterosexuals, you may go from total abstinance to swinging to excess the other way, but eventually, you will end in the middle of the swing, feeling content, and watching others go through the same thing you did.
