My son is stealing money from my purse

Liselle · Mar 23, 2006

Ok guys I need some advice here.

Background:

I am recently divorced, but living with my boyfriend for a year. My son is 14, was verbally abused by his father, with whom I had 3 children, including my son. His brother and sister live with their dad, within 15 miles of me. No apparent effort is made on either son or dad's part to see each other.

Now:

He attended a christian school up until last year, when I moved out. He is now in a public school and doing well, to my knowledge, except for the past several days, he's been bringing notes home from the teacher saying he's not doing his homework/schoolwork. That however is not my real issue. I suspected he was taking cash from my bag, and basically set him up. I knew exactly how much money I had and the next morning, I had one less. I had JUST given him a check to cover two weeks of school lunches.
I confronted him about taking the money by asking him if he knew what stealing was. He gave the right answer, so I asked him if he had anything he wanted to say to me. He looked me in the eye and said no. I told him that when I was his age, I always wanted my parents to ask me if I'd done something so it would make telling the truth easier. I gave him several opportunities to tell me that he took it (and YES I am certain that he took it) and he did not.

Please tell me what I should do! I don't know what to do!

c1ners · Mar 24, 2006

If he were my son, I would sit him down and tell him that I know he took that money from my purse. Not only that, but you suspect that he's done it before. Don't let him wiggle his way out of it. Be stern. Be strong. You need to nip it in the bud now before it gets out of control. Let him know that you'll gladly give him money for something he needs if he justs asks you for it, but you won't tolerate him stealing it.

Being a teenager is rough, but as a parent we have to do what is right for our teen. We can't allow them to continue on a danerous path of destruction. If he gets away with stealing a dollar or two from your purse, he will think it's okay to steal something from a store. He might even get a way with that the first couple of times. Each time he'll get braver and braver. Stealing more and more. Eventually he will get caught. Trust me, it won't be pretty. Nip it in the bud now before it's too late. Don't worry about hurting his feelings. He has already hurt yours by stealing from you.

Good luck, and God Bless.

bliz · Mar 24, 2006

First, you should move out of your boyfriend's home.

All of the givens in this boys life have been removed - mom and dad, the school he attended, teachings that some things were right and some things were wrong, his siblings... all of it has changed.

Your ability to confront him on doing something wrong, stealing, is just a little bit compromised by your decision to live with your boyfriend, fornication. You cannot deal only with the stealing and not look at the whole picture.

Generally, is is a bad idea to ask kids something when you already know the answer. He knows what stealing is and you know he knows. To ask him is insulting and beats around the bush. "Son, you stole my money." is a direct and far more honest approach. If you want him to be honest with you, you need to be honest with him.

Clearly something is bothering him big time - the poor school work out of the blue, the stealing... you need to get to the bottom of this fast.

Liselle · Mar 25, 2006

bliz said:
First, you should move out of your boyfriend's home.

All of the givens in this boys life have been removed - mom and dad, the school he attended, teachings that some things were right and some things were wrong, his siblings... all of it has changed.

I cannot move out for various reasons. And I understand and appreciate your response, but it is not feasible. His dad was verbally abusive, and very little contact is made, he hated his school, and didnt get along well with his siblings. I realize that a lot has changed in his life, but he is not a bad kid and he understands why I am here.

However, an update. He finally confessed to needing an extra dollar to buy another lunch. I told him that I didn't appreciate him stealing from me, and I definitely did not appreciate the lying about it. I told him if we needed to we would buy lunch stuff for him to take his lunch.

My thought was drugs too, briefly, but (and I KNOW i'm sounding naive here, but this is just my own opinion, as well as my boyfriends) this is my kid that makes faces every time I have a beer (he thinks it smells bad) and once hid my cigarettes from me. ( I don't smoke any more) and he cant stand needles, and has a hard time taking pills.

So bottom line is he confessed, but I told him there were still consequences. His online activities are GONE, as well as video games.

We were talking last night about police cars, guns and such and he commented that he'd like to see the inside of a police car. Without even thinking I said, keep on stealing and you will soon. He got really quiet. I almost felt like I should apologize to him, but I didnt, because he needs to know that what he did will lead down a very bad path in life.

JoannaJoy · Mar 26, 2006

BeachBlonde · Mar 27, 2006

Alot of teens steal.They just do. I think you will find the right approach when you've had enough. He has to hear it from you-it's just not respectful.I'd stay away from the God and sinning thing.Teens turn a deaf ear. Respect. use that word and tell him..if he cannot respect your property and feels stealing is right then at 15 (it's not too late) pull him out of things he wants to do that costs money until he earns your repect.

TexasSky · Mar 30, 2006

bliz said:
First, you should move out of your boyfriend's home.

All of the givens in this boys life have been removed - mom and dad, the school he attended, teachings that some things were right and some things were wrong, his siblings... all of it has changed.

Your ability to confront him on doing something wrong, stealing, is just a little bit compromised by your decision to live with your boyfriend, fornication. You cannot deal only with the stealing and not look at the whole picture.

Generally, is is a bad idea to ask kids something when you already know the answer. He knows what stealing is and you know he knows. To ask him is insulting and beats around the bush. "Son, you stole my money." is a direct and far more honest approach. If you want him to be honest with you, you need to be honest with him.

Clearly something is bothering him big time - the poor school work out of the blue, the stealing... you need to get to the bottom of this fast.

I agree with all that was said here.

Also, though, how do you know your boyfriend isn't the culprit?

TexasSky · Mar 30, 2006

I'm curious about something else.

While stealing, any amount, is wrong - - why would your son feel he had to sneak $1 out of your purse rather than simply ask you for $1?

Liselle · Apr 2, 2006

How do I know my boyfriend isnt the culprit? Because he told me the truth about something else that was a much bigger deal. Also, theres the fact that my son TOLD me he took it. I'm sure he felt the need to take it as he was afraid I'd say no. We have talked and hopefully put a stop to it.

lavenderskies · Apr 4, 2006

My son stole a $20 out of my hubby's wallet one day. We knew he was the one as he was the only one with access. He denied it at first also. We handed him paper and pencil and gave him the chance to write down what happened. He wrote a very elaborate story saying he had been threatened that if he did not pay the money another kid at school was going to beat him up. A girl had told him so. Well, I went to the prinicipal and had my son give her the whole story. Later the teacher called the girl down and surprise, I got the $20 back. We took that chance to talk to our son. We pointed out to him that its very very rare that we say no if any of our kids ask for money. We also told him if he is being picked on he needs to talk to us. My son is also 14. I would say work on the communication. I too have talked to my son about the path that stealing leads to. Some kids just need to hear those things in order to get through to them.
I have two more boys who are 9 and 10 along with my girls who are 15 and 9. I am sure I am in for this little trip again.

TexasSky · Apr 27, 2006

If your son was afraid to ask his mother for $1 for lunch - and felt stealing was "easier" you have a LOT bigger issue on your hands that you need to address.

Misty Minister · May 12, 2006

Liselle said:
Ok guys I need some advice here.

Background:

I am recently divorced, but living with my boyfriend for a year. My son is 14, was verbally abused by his father, with whom I had 3 children, including my son. His brother and sister live with their dad, within 15 miles of me. No apparent effort is made on either son or dad's part to see each other.

Now:

He attended a christian school up until last year, when I moved out. He is now in a public school and doing well, to my knowledge, except for the past several days, he's been bringing notes home from the teacher saying he's not doing his homework/schoolwork. That however is not my real issue. I suspected he was taking cash from my bag, and basically set him up. I knew exactly how much money I had and the next morning, I had one less. I had JUST given him a check to cover two weeks of school lunches.
I confronted him about taking the money by asking him if he knew what stealing was. He gave the right answer, so I asked him if he had anything he wanted to say to me. He looked me in the eye and said no. I told him that when I was his age, I always wanted my parents to ask me if I'd done something so it would make telling the truth easier. I gave him several opportunities to tell me that he took it (and YES I am certain that he took it) and he did not.

Please tell me what I should do! I don't know what to do!

I would set him up in such a way that I had absolute proof that it was he who was stealing the money. Then I could confront him directly about it. Rigorous Honesty is the best policy in this siutation (most situations actually)

Sisof8 · May 21, 2006

i'd have to agree with texas sky, if he can't ask you for $1 that's kind of sad. What would he do with a dollar anyways? I mean, buy a candy bar at school?

My son is stealing money from my purse

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