Shame

lucybee

I'm not a victim, but I am a victim's mother. It seems to me that an abusers "normal" or standard practice is to make the victim feel just as responsible for what happened as they are. There is absolutely no way you are guilty of anything - you are the one that got hurt by the guilty one. That may not make you feel any better - I just know I have to tell my ten year old daughter that quite a bit. And there is nothing to be ashamed of - all shame should be placed on the abuser. May God bless you with a peace and comfort that only He can give.

That is normal to feel like this. I know it, because I have that same feeling sometimes.....

It is never your fault...never..........

I say it to myself sometimes. "I am not to blame, I have no reason to be ashamed. They did this to me, I never asked for it" It helps me...and praying helps me........God helps me.

http://66.216.123.69/RTC/Impact%2Bof%2BRape/Common%2BReactions/

Self-Blame and Shame

"I felt like it was my fault, I trusted him...."

"I wondered if guys would think I was damaged goods."

Feelings of guilt and shame are common reactions following a sexual assault. Because of misconceptions about rape, some victims blame themselves, doubt their own judgment, or wonder if they were in some way responsible for the assault. Feelings of guilt and self-blame may be reinforced by the reactions of others, who, because of prevalent myths about rape, may blame the victim or criticize his or her behavior.

You may also feel ashamed. Some victims describe feeling dirty, devalued, and humiliated as a result of a sexual assault. Feelings of shame are often related to the powerlessness and helplessness victims experience during a sexual assault. Shame may also be a reaction to being forced by the assailant to participate in the crime.

i finally forgave the lad who did it to me. I feel so much better. I havent seen him or anything since it happend so i dont have to worry about bumping into him- i dont think i ever will bump into him again. I knew him all my life and he took my virginity. Ive got over it now and im sooo much stronger. Trust me you will get through it. God has helped me so much and so has my great boyfriend (God gave me him).

If it is not helping you then you should change it. sometimes the past is not easy but it is important to build your confidence. jesus can do that. look at the confidence he had in his father & he won. now he can look to the future & you also should look to a bright future, you can buil your confidence here, you are not alone

I know the shame you are talking about...
I wrestled with it for years. I am in my forties and only started confront the shame and pain I felt about 5 years ago. I was sexually abssaulted and abused for years in my chioldhood, by a family member and then later by a prominent leader in a church for over a year.

One thing you need to understand is it is not fair for you to feel that you "should" have been able to do something to stop it. The abuser made sure you couldn't. The abuse happened because the abuser planned it and was never fair. It's not because you were weak, or cowardly, or stupid. The perp intended it and carried it out.

You need to identify the feelings behind your feeling of shame. Your abuser worked very hard to ensure that he/she had all of the power, and you had none. Abusers will use the element of surprise, force, fear or coercion.

What you feel is normal but I encourage you to find the support and help of others who can identify with you and discuss your feelings with them. Getting in touch with the pain is hard but it is on the road to healing your soul.

My prayers are with you....

I still struggle with shame. I honestly don't know if it ever goes away but it does fade a little. You need to forgive yourself first. You are NOT the guilty one but society has made it so that it is the victims that feel like this. Instead of the perpetrators. Messed up isn't it? If you ever need to talk PM me. I know how you feel.

No, I don't know your pain, but my heart goes out to you..... I will be praying for you.

Psalm 119:76
Now let your unfailing love comfort me, just as you promised me, your servant.

2 Corinthians 1:4
He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

2 Thessalonians 2:16
May our Lord Jesus Christ and God our Father, who loved us and in his special favor gave us everlasting comfort and good hope,

Excellent scriptures! *Copies into journal to remember for later*

Shame after rape can have a spiritual component of actual defilement. This needs to be specifially prayed for.

The powerlessness, helplessness, self blame for not stopping it or telling someone etc, of no longer being pure and worth another guy having, even of recognising that sometimes sex was pleasant all contribute to a sense of shame. Also, subsequent sexual fantasies, masturbation or a continued interest in sexual matters can add to the mix.

Talking and praying with a good cousnellor can be really helpful in unravelling all those components contributing to your sense of shame.

John
NZ

Excellent post John! I totally agree a good councellor can make ALL the difference.

I was molseted by another man when I was just 10 years old. 37 years later I am still having hangups (sexual problems) from it. But the Lord has given me & my wife strength to deal with it.

You did not hear about sexaul molestation back then as much.

i live with it every day

As do soooo many survivors. Feel free to pm me NeedHelp if you ever want to talk.

I do and was there one time with shame becasue of what happened to me. It is the enemy that comes to put shame on you. The enemy is a liar and the Lrod does not give us emotions of shame. That is not the type of God we serve. He only convicts so you need to recognize where the shame is coming from. Have you ask God to forgive you so that you can tell the enemy that you are forgiven because his word says he forgives? Even though it was not your fault for what happened, just tell God your sorry for allowing yoru body to be used, write down the date you submitted it to the Lord and then beleive you are forgiven and that it is totally under the blood. Every time the enemy comes to put shame on you or you feel shame, you can stand up on the word and say "I'm forgiven so get off my back." I know that seems a funny way but recognize where these emotiosn are coming from. God is love and satan is to kill, steal and destroy. It is a way to get the enemy to stop putting shame on you. Also, I hope you have come to a place to forgive the people that have hurt you.

Blessings and peace to you. Lord, I pray that you will show her how much you love her and that she is not guilty or shame. Lord, wash her and help her to feel clean about herself so that she will not feel shame. Lord, I thank you that you have a purpose and a plan and you will help her through these feelings and emotions.

Here is something I wrote about spiritual defilement for a friend. This is often the cause of deep seated shame.

Let’s look at spiritual defilement. You fall into some mud – you become ‘dirty or defiled’. But also, someone covered in mud can come up to you and wrap their arms right around you. You are also defiled by that too.



With rape and some cases of sexual abuse the woman is defiled by the act itself. Her inner spirit knows that God’s laws have been violated. This is why so many victims feel guilty and at fault for what happened. It is an inner , moral condition from the depths of that person. This is the falling into the mud situation.



A person who rapes, for example, often is sexually impure himself, and carries with him associated unclean spiritual forces. His own unclean spiritual nature is imposed onto the woman, and she is given an additional ‘dirtiness’ directly from him. This is the second example I gave using mud to illustrate.



In both cases there is this feeling of ‘dirtiness’ which can lead to endless washing, as if trying to wash away the ‘mud’.



Two people become spiritually connected as a consequence of sexual intercourse. They inherit each other’s spiritual condition. After a rape or some sexual abuse the woman can become sexually aware and active. Much of this arises from the spiritual inheritance she got from the guy, and his ‘unclean spirit’ that activates and influences her sexually. We have spoken to many women who have told us that they just seem to attract guys wanting sex, as if they were drawn by radar to each other. That is just what is actually happening.



The good news of the gospel is that Jesus can cleanse us from spiritual defilement and rescue us from negative spiritual powers. His sacrifice deals with our own sins, and where we have been ‘sinned upon’ by another. It sometimes takes specific prayer and counsel for this to happen.

For anyone on this thread can you identify the shameful thoughts you have and write them down? You can PM them to me and I will reply. That 'inner dialogue' needs challenging and I may be able to give some insights on how to deal with it.

Bless you all

John
NZ

Stephanida said:

I still struggle with shame. I honestly don't know if it ever goes away but it does fade a little. You need to forgive yourself first. You are NOT the guilty one but society has made it so that it is the victims that feel like this. Instead of the perpetrators. Messed up isn't it? If you ever need to talk PM me. I know how you feel.

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Lord have mercy

Stephanida said:

Excellent scriptures! *Copies into journal to remember for later*

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Glory to God for His Word!

Stephanida said:

As do soooo many survivors. Feel free to pm me NeedHelp if you ever want to talk.

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Jesus knows how to heal