Sleep without being held

[llghoney]

I was reading where it's good to get the baby use to not being held when going to sleep. Grace will fuss like all get out if she is not held til she is asleep. When reading the Baby Book it suggests not letting them cry it out. I'm a little confused.

 

[jgonz]

This is a Huge area of controversy. CIO (crying it out) or not. What it boils down to is that YOU, as the mom, need to do what works best for your baby. Go with your gut instincts and what your baby needs.

I can tell you that I've done both... I let my oldest 2 CIO and nursed the next 6 to sleep. They all did fine, although I have to admit that my 'nursed to sleep' babies were happier and more content more of the time. My youngest is 4.5 mos old and can't nurse, so he's Far more difficult to get to sleep, but we still don't let him CIO because I just can't handle that cry. It makes me feel terrible to let him cry when I know I could at least hold and comfort him.

I do have to add this though~ every baby is a little different, so some babies don't Want to be held and helped to sleep, while others can't go to sleep on their own until they're older.

 

[heart of peace]

jgonz, as usual I am awed by your wisdom.


I agree with the advice to follow your instincts rather than what you think you should be doing. Whenever I catch myself saying "I should" whatever, I always take a moment to think about what it is my instincts are resisting and usually I notice that it is an issue that really has no true resistance from me but that of societal resistance to my choices as a person.

 

[angelsgirl]

I agree it is best to go with your instincts and what your baby wants.

When Maddie was born til she was about 3 1/2 months old I used to hold her til she went to sleep. It was exhausting. I had a baby who wouldn't sleep til 3am some mornings. She hated not being held at anytime of the day, but mostly when she was going to sleep. At about 4 months she just wouldn't settle at all when she was in anyones arms. So we started wrapping her and putting her in her cot when she was about to go to sleep. She cries for about 20 seconds and realises she needs/wants sleep and off she goes. It was a huge relief for me when she wanted to do this. (She now wants to go to sleep from about 10pm).
I didn't ever want to use CIO, but Maddie decided that was best for her. So that is what we do. If she ever cries for more than about a minute I go back in and comfort her. It is rare though. I am seriously blessed with a very good sleeper!

 

[Birbitt]

I agree it really depends on what works for you and your child. For me holding my boys to sleep completely didn't work well because if they woke in the night they couldn't go back to sleep until I held them again..however if I held them and rocked them till they were drowsy but not fully asleep and then put them in the crib and patted their bottoms until they were asleep it worked much better then if they woke in the night they'd go right back to sleep. I suspect it worked because if they woke in the night they weren't confused by being asleep somewhere they don't remember being put.

 

[GolfingMom]

I agree it really depends on what works for you and your child. For me holding my boys to sleep completely didn't work well because if they woke in the night they couldn't go back to sleep until I held them again..however if I held them and rocked them till they were drowsy but not fully asleep and then put them in the crib and patted their bottoms until they were asleep it worked much better then if they woke in the night they'd go right back to sleep. I suspect it worked because if they woke in the night they weren't confused by being asleep somewhere they don't remember being put.

We did that. We got them tired enough to almost fall asleep and then placed them in the crib. When they got older we did do a bit of controlled CIO. It's whatever works for you

 

[Linnis]

Whatever works. DS wanted to be held/nursed to sleep but I started putting him down really sleepy but still awake. I started with naps first, then worked on night time sleep.

Some kids - CIO doesn't work for some it does for some parents it simply doesn't feel right. Do what you think it best and see what works.

 

[gracepaints]

I recommended The Baby Book, so you can guess my opinion. As long as you and she are both content and happy with how you are doing things, I wouldn't change anything. If something works, do it. If it stops working, do something else. That's my motto, anyway.

Grace is still an itty bitty. I wouldn't worry about 'bad habits' for a while.

 

[map4]

I held mine but that's because it's what I wanted to do, lol. I even held them sometimes after they were asleep. But that was my choice and it worked for both my sons. It didn't have an adverse affect on them when they got older. They would go to sleep by themselves. But, I have to say, my sons were 'good' babies and I didn't have many problems when it came to sleep. They were content most of the time. Don't get me wrong, they were fussy at times but usually when they were extrememly tired and fighting sleep. But they gave in...as I held them and rocked them, lol. But again, that was something I loved to do.

One thing my mom taught me (she had 6 kids) was to 'throw away' (most) of the baby books and just do what comes natural.

Whether you use books or not, do what others have said and go with your instincts and what works for you and your baby. And enjoy every minute because they truly do grow so fast. (mine are 15 and 17 now)

 

[jgonz]

I just want to add one thing... When babies are newborns/infants, you Should hold them a lot. Studies have proven that babies who are held more often grow faster and are generally healthier. Add to that that an infant has no other way to communicate than crying, so it's just right and proper to respond to those cries. Once a baby gets older though, they understand more and it's ok to let them cry a little more if you need to get something done, etc. Just had to add that. lol

 

[HeatherJay]

I agree that you have to do what's best for you and Grace. For me and my babies, I LOVED rocking them to sleep. Babies crying it out break my heart.

1 month is far too young to even think about CIO, though...I think most parenting books and doctors would agree to not even think about CIO until at least 4 months.

 

[greenie]

I used to nurse my son to sleep....and I will never...ever...do it again.. It took me YEARS to get him out of us needing to be with him when he fell asleep! It's only been this year that he's finally started going to sleep without needing one of us to be lying with him and he is 5!!!!!!!!!!

For me, it's about balance. If I'm out or whatever and I'm holding the baby (when I have the baby lol) and she falls asleep that's fine. But if I'm home I'm going to put her in her bed awake so she learns to fall asleep awake. I did it with my daughter and she is amazing, she will sleep anywhere with no trouble at all.

 

[HeatherJay]

I used to nurse my son to sleep....and I will never...ever...do it again.. It took me YEARS to get him out of us needing to be with him when he fell asleep! It's only been this year that he's finally started going to sleep without needing one of us to be lying with him and he is 5!!!!!!!!!!

For me, it's about balance. If I'm out or whatever and I'm holding the baby (when I have the baby lol) and she falls asleep that's fine. But if I'm home I'm going to put her in her bed awake so she learns to fall asleep awake. I did it with my daughter and she is amazing, she will sleep anywhere with no trouble at all.

I think this is so dependent on the child and the individual situation, though. There's not a one size fits all solution.

I held and rocked both my girls to sleep...I wore them before they could walk and I held them on demand after they were walking. We co-slept with both of them. And both girls were happily sleeping in their own beds by age 3 or before.

IMO, whether they CIO or not has very little to do with what kind of sleepers they turn out to be. There are far too many factors involved.

Gentle routine translates into security for most babies/children...security generally translates into calmer, happier babies...the routine you choose should depend solely on what's best for you and your baby.

 

[greenie]

Yeah, I know... Just saying in my family...I won't do it again. DS co slept a lot with us too and he is the one who still tries to come into bed with us. And I guess I have issues with it because our bed (mine and my husband's) is exactly that.. 'ours.' I have come to the realisation for DH and I it's important for us not to be controlled by our kids..And even for our relationship, if we allow the kids to co sleep with us I feel like it makes me put them ahead of my husband, or their priorities.
I know it's not for everyone, but I was speaking for us personally

 

[Assisi]

1 month is far too young to even think about CIO, though...I think most parenting books and doctors would agree to not even think about CIO until at least 4 months.

I agree. And you have time to teach Baby to fall asleep alone later.

I put my little one down in his bed after I've made him sleepy (not just tired haha). He has learnt to associate his bed with sleeping. I put him down while he is still awake, but while he is calm and has those heavy eyes happening.

 

[Hadassah]

you really have to go with your instincts on this one. Every little baby is a person,and is different from the other, even in a family. You find out their little personalities early on.

JD will NOT go to sleep without someone near him... and he has to be held about 80% of the time in the day. Actually, right now he's in my lap trying to decide if he can or cannot sit up on his own, or if he wants to lean.

I wear him in a sling most the time, and am trying to teach him he can play some... without being held or in his fisher price chair. I put him down on a blanket on a carpet with toys spread all about and let him go at it.

Since Saturday or Sunday, he decided he MIGHT go to sleep anytime while trying to crawl and will fuss and whimper and whine... but not really much else.
This is what will go on just before he finally will lay his head down and grab a doll, suck his thumb and go down:



Most the time though, we hold him until he is out, because he flat out refuses to sleep! Until he hits that wall and finally relents, we usually have to swaddle him just to keep him still long enough. -- if not that, it's nursing.

Personally I prefer that over cries of utter frustration / being scared of abandonment.
He's too much like my DH was, and unlike I was when it came to being OK or not OK with mom being more than 6 feet away. He panics if he can't see me or hear me, or my inlaws. And sleep -- that means he'll miss something going on around him, so it's few and far between on some days, and on schedule on others.

With the sling, he feels comfortable enough to be awake when I am out and about, and comfortable enough to sleep when he needs to -- without fuss. He does let me know right away about his diaper or if he needs to eat if I wear him -- he doesn't so much if he's playing. He gets too distracted by the toys or tv/computer to really care.

So each has it's downfall and high points for us.

Me, I was so independent, once I figured out there were toys and other things, I could pretty much care less about my parents, as long as they were in the house.

 

[llghoney]

^^ love the vid! He'll be walking before ya know it!

 

[Gods4me]

http://www.vertbaudet.co.uk/Product...mentId=V618&&CompanyId=V&&ProductCode=9308544&

that was my way round it. a baby sleeping bag
what i used to do was before james's last feed i would put him in his sleeping bag then once he had finished his feed and burp etc he was sleepy but not quite asleep so i wouls just put him in his bed and put his mobile on. which shined stars on the walls and played a tune. i felt it was best of both worlds he got his cuddle but he learned to fall asleep alone. mind you most night he was asleep in my arms before he went to bed. so was more with the cudling.

when james got to 9 maybe 10 months he wanted cuddled to sleep which was fine but he was getting up in the middle of the night wanting cuddled to sleep and he ended up sleeping in my bed. which wasnt good. so i started control crying then. and it was the best thing i ever done. but untill they are a bit older like 9 months to a year you dont really want to start doing all that.

while they are tiny babys and just want cuddles to sleep take them cause they will come to the age when the dont like giving you cuddles. i just had to fight a good night kiss out my son and he used to be full of them.

cuddling till the fall asleep up till a certian age just makes your heart all warm.

 

[Hadassah]

LOL! We have those sleep sacks here.. JD is just not going for it. He knows it goes on at night when we go to bed... but he just is not game.

We went out to the Odenwald yesterday and he decided at the lunch table around 2 he was ready for his next nap... which was the chatter, squeal "hold me - don't hold me - I'm tired - no i'm not" fight for his life. I had to Shhh him and almost had to take him out. I told him I didn't want to do like daddy does (hold his hands flat to his side) but if he didn't stop fighting me I would... and I had to. Once I did and I rocked him some, he was out.

I was able to lay him down on the ring sling on the bench next to me with a pillow they had on his rear end so he felt like he was still being held. He stayed asleep for a good 40 minutes so we all could eat.

When he woke up though.. he was so bored and we did have to ask quickly for the receipt, pay and leave. He behaved once the scenery changed.

MIL commented while we were eating to FIL that JD fights sleep just like my husband did.. which is so funny considering how adamant my DH is now about getting sleep.

 

[RedTulipMom]

I used to nurse my son to sleep....and I will never...ever...do it again.. It took me YEARS to get him out of us needing to be with him when he fell asleep! It's only been this year that he's finally started going to sleep without needing one of us to be lying with him and he is 5!!!!!!!!!!

For me, it's about balance. If I'm out or whatever and I'm holding the baby (when I have the baby lol) and she falls asleep that's fine. But if I'm home I'm going to put her in her bed awake so she learns to fall asleep awake. I did it with my daughter and she is amazing, she will sleep anywhere with no trouble at all.

part of it must be your son's personality. My son luke was nursed to sleep and rocked to sleep and co-slept and by 2 yrs 11 mos was in his own bed and sleeping through the night.