Relationships are such difficult things. They can hurt you so much. Sometimes I wonder if things were different, if I'd be a healthier person emotionally, mentally, physically. If circumstances hadn't meant I'd had to leave my home country and live far away in a culture completely different to how I was brought up, if I'd feel less lonely, less lost.
I don't normally express my emotions so openly. I think I've learnt you can't often do that safely. If I think about my relationship with God through all this, I can't define that very easily. I have a relationship with Him. It's possibly not as close as it has been in the past, but then, how do you know? After all, it's not all about how you feel, is it? It's about faith. And I believe in Him. Do I believe in His goodness and that He only wants good things for me? I guess that's a different question. Or at least it has a different answer. Possibly not. Life has hurt. A lot. And it hasn't finished hurting. I'll grit my teeth and say I know with my head it all has a greater purpose and He knows best, but as far as that impacts my life, it seems to mean He'll let me go on living a confusing, rather sad and somewhat empty / painful one quite happily for the fulfilment of His greater plan. That's only the small picture, but that's where I live - I am only human after all. Or am I just making excuses for myself?
I don't normally express my emotions so openly. I think I've learnt you can't often do that safely. If I think about my relationship with God through all this, I can't define that very easily. I have a relationship with Him. It's possibly not as close as it has been in the past, but then, how do you know? After all, it's not all about how you feel, is it? It's about faith. And I believe in Him. Do I believe in His goodness and that He only wants good things for me? I guess that's a different question. Or at least it has a different answer. Possibly not. Life has hurt. A lot. And it hasn't finished hurting. I'll grit my teeth and say I know with my head it all has a greater purpose and He knows best, but as far as that impacts my life, it seems to mean He'll let me go on living a confusing, rather sad and somewhat empty / painful one quite happily for the fulfilment of His greater plan. That's only the small picture, but that's where I live - I am only human after all. Or am I just making excuses for myself?
