I hope I can make sense with everything I am thinking right now. I'm so excited because I just have begun to understand something over the past 24 hours. Maybe you will think well duh, who didn't know that. It is new to me though!
I was very down yesterday, extremely depressed and in that mode of thinking about how worthless, disgusting and filthy I am. I have seen this is a common thing among people who have been abused or raped. It is a mindset of thinking about one's self. I never really thought about where these thoughts came from, what caused them, why I thought them. To me, it was what I deserved, to feel this bad about myself because I WAS this bad, I was horrible.
I think part of this also has to do with boundaries. As someone who has been abused (any form of abuse) boundaries become foggy. Physical, emotional, even our sense of self of who we are, becomes foggy. So when someone says or does something that bothers me, I have to think about whether or not I deserved that or was it wrong or inappropriate? Was it my fault? I must have done something wrong. I don't know if this makes sense, to me its very hard to know where to draw a line sometimes. If it is not my fault that someone raped me, at what point do I take responsibility for my actions? I think one of the most difficult things about sexual assault is that because it is not something we controlled, we can not "ask forgiveness" for it. How do you take responsibility for that? Is it a sin? If not, if it is not my fault, then how do I deal with it? Because now it is out of my control. I am coming to realize that it is something that can ONLY be dealt with by letting go of that control. I can't control what happened and I think the best way to heal from it is to release it to Christ. Why is it so hard to do that? Because it means trusting, and letting go. That does NOT mean I won't still be affected, I won't still get depressed, down, disgusted. But it is no longer something I have to worry about being responsible for. I have to learn every day to accept Christ's love in my life, this will be what eventually heals me.
It is so hard for me to let go of that control. When I went through a time frame of my life that was extremely difficult I consciously made that decision to hold on and stay in control. I would not release it to Christ. (This was not about the rape but something else altogether.) It is very hard for me to let go and trust that God knows best and will lead me. But really, I think thats what it boils down to.
Last point, and one I think is very important. I will post a small portion of something I wrote yesterday. I am sure many of you can relate to thoughts like these.
[FONT="]"No guy wants some screwed up piece of s*** whose filthy and disgusting and a harlot. That’s all I am. [/FONT]
[FONT="]I sink back into that hell because it is so safe there, of course its not it only leads to more in a vicious cycle of my worthless life. I feel worthless, act worthless, am treated as worthless which makes me feel more worthless. I wish anyone could know the vile filth I am inside, could understand. I feel trapped in it. Some days I would die to escape it and some days I would kill to stay here."
I allowed myself to be consumed by these thoughts. Later that day I sat down and did a thorough devotion. I was reading "The Power of a Praying Woman" and read the chapter about being strengthened against the enemy. It is the first time in a long time I have felt close to Christ because I know he spoke to me yesterday through that time with him. That chapter talked about lies Satan tells us, things he wants us to believe, ways that he destroys our lives. I am crying as I write this because I suddenly saw so clearly exactly what was happening. I am allowing Satan to control my life and my thoughts and thereby resisting Christ's love and grace in my life. Christ is not the source of these thoguhts and feelings. That is Satan. What does he succeed by doing this? It keeps me trapped in this vicious cycle and continues to lead me back to the same behavior. I have to make a conscious effort to break free of this cycle. Yesterday I made that decision. I can not even explain how I feel today. All this time I thought thinking like this was giving me more control but today I feel way beyond that. Now I am truly in control. I belong to Christ and I am making the decision every day, every hour, to accept His love. I can't even express this truly. It is the only way out, I know that. This does not mean it will never be an issue for me again. I expect that this is a decision I will continue to have to make but the more I choose Christ the stronger I will become in this area. Then Satan will have to find some other way to attack me because I am no longer under his control!
[/FONT]
I was very down yesterday, extremely depressed and in that mode of thinking about how worthless, disgusting and filthy I am. I have seen this is a common thing among people who have been abused or raped. It is a mindset of thinking about one's self. I never really thought about where these thoughts came from, what caused them, why I thought them. To me, it was what I deserved, to feel this bad about myself because I WAS this bad, I was horrible.
I think part of this also has to do with boundaries. As someone who has been abused (any form of abuse) boundaries become foggy. Physical, emotional, even our sense of self of who we are, becomes foggy. So when someone says or does something that bothers me, I have to think about whether or not I deserved that or was it wrong or inappropriate? Was it my fault? I must have done something wrong. I don't know if this makes sense, to me its very hard to know where to draw a line sometimes. If it is not my fault that someone raped me, at what point do I take responsibility for my actions? I think one of the most difficult things about sexual assault is that because it is not something we controlled, we can not "ask forgiveness" for it. How do you take responsibility for that? Is it a sin? If not, if it is not my fault, then how do I deal with it? Because now it is out of my control. I am coming to realize that it is something that can ONLY be dealt with by letting go of that control. I can't control what happened and I think the best way to heal from it is to release it to Christ. Why is it so hard to do that? Because it means trusting, and letting go. That does NOT mean I won't still be affected, I won't still get depressed, down, disgusted. But it is no longer something I have to worry about being responsible for. I have to learn every day to accept Christ's love in my life, this will be what eventually heals me.
It is so hard for me to let go of that control. When I went through a time frame of my life that was extremely difficult I consciously made that decision to hold on and stay in control. I would not release it to Christ. (This was not about the rape but something else altogether.) It is very hard for me to let go and trust that God knows best and will lead me. But really, I think thats what it boils down to.
Last point, and one I think is very important. I will post a small portion of something I wrote yesterday. I am sure many of you can relate to thoughts like these.
[FONT="]"No guy wants some screwed up piece of s*** whose filthy and disgusting and a harlot. That’s all I am. [/FONT]
[FONT="]I sink back into that hell because it is so safe there, of course its not it only leads to more in a vicious cycle of my worthless life. I feel worthless, act worthless, am treated as worthless which makes me feel more worthless. I wish anyone could know the vile filth I am inside, could understand. I feel trapped in it. Some days I would die to escape it and some days I would kill to stay here."
I allowed myself to be consumed by these thoughts. Later that day I sat down and did a thorough devotion. I was reading "The Power of a Praying Woman" and read the chapter about being strengthened against the enemy. It is the first time in a long time I have felt close to Christ because I know he spoke to me yesterday through that time with him. That chapter talked about lies Satan tells us, things he wants us to believe, ways that he destroys our lives. I am crying as I write this because I suddenly saw so clearly exactly what was happening. I am allowing Satan to control my life and my thoughts and thereby resisting Christ's love and grace in my life. Christ is not the source of these thoguhts and feelings. That is Satan. What does he succeed by doing this? It keeps me trapped in this vicious cycle and continues to lead me back to the same behavior. I have to make a conscious effort to break free of this cycle. Yesterday I made that decision. I can not even explain how I feel today. All this time I thought thinking like this was giving me more control but today I feel way beyond that. Now I am truly in control. I belong to Christ and I am making the decision every day, every hour, to accept His love. I can't even express this truly. It is the only way out, I know that. This does not mean it will never be an issue for me again. I expect that this is a decision I will continue to have to make but the more I choose Christ the stronger I will become in this area. Then Satan will have to find some other way to attack me because I am no longer under his control!
[/FONT]
