Now that my husband has cheated on me, I can't help but relive it everyday... how he wanted the hot girl so bad, how he did it despite me telling him I would leave. How he had rejected me long before this. How I am not good enough physically, that I am overweight. How I am not young and pretty anymore. How even though I still consider myself pretty, how do I compare to all the other temptations out there? I am not the prettiest girl in the world, and can never be. I think about him touching her, about him being excited over her, about how I was the farthest thing from his mind. How he decided to give everything up for a moment with her, and it was just a moment. But he wasn't thinking he'd be giving up everything for her, no he was thinking that I would forgive him and get over it. That it would be put in the past and we could move on. Now he is trying to be sweet and flattering me with his words and his attention.. and I ask, will I ever be able to get over it? No. I can be happy at the moment and take advantage of his willingness to do almost anything for me right now. But my anger is strong, my hurt is deep and I am scarred. There is nothing he can do to take it back, there is no sorry that will ever be enough.. at least it won't undo the pain. He wants me to just believe him and feed into him. Is he remorseful? He insists he is but I doubt it. I can't believe it. If it were only a moment then that would be different, but his rejection started way before this.. when he verbally abused me, when he showed no interest in me, when he pushed me away and wouldn't have sex with me unless we watched porn.
I am searching for peace. I could just give into the lie that I had believed over and over again.. that everything will be different now, that he really wants and loves me... but too many times.. too many times he has made promises that he'll never do it again (call me degrading and mean names, and abusive to me).. at which times he promised every time not to do it again, that he didn't mean it.. only to do it again.
Now he wants me to be ok, to stop bringing it up, to stop being angry, to believe his lies... to love him... and I can't do it. My heart shield rings.. "red alert".. and says its time to protect yourself.
I don't know where to go from here. I am searching for peace or understanding in the midst of the confusion and pain... I tell him I want to leave, that it cannot be fixed, that I warned him what would happen and he made his choice. He made his choice.. to give me up and his child up for a moment of lust.
He minimizes it, he won't really admit what he did wrong though he apologizes everyday. I am still trying to make sense of what I am feeling. I do not want to forgive, I do not want to forget.. because then I'll be back on the same ole roller coaster of forgiving, having hope, being crushed.. over and over. Yet I am still trying to figure it all out.. his heart motives.. his lies.. his desires.. I am still trying to process it all. Thoughts like.. am I attractive? Does he really find me attractive? Am I just a safe place for him? He is trying to show passion for me.. but I don't believe it.. should I? Should I just let him lie to me and wait until he thinks its all ok and let the efforts on his part die down so that he can show the true self and go back to the unloving way he was ... then strike? Like leave. I think I should leave, but this is going to take planning. I have just started to work again and its going to take time to get money again to move out.. where can I move? Can I find a place with shot credit? What are the details, like moving costs.. how will I do it? What about my kids, what about my future life alone again? I cannot tolerate being alone. But.. there will be peace.. will there be? I told myself that the first marriage I left... but I became consumed with loneliness. I sometimes just crave peace and being away from him, from the abuse, from the lies. I want to join a gym but the one here in town doesn't take infants the age...
But then I think.. is there hope? Can I be happy with him.. is it possible to feel loved by him again? Anything is possible, but is it probable is the question. He says he'll go to church with me now, to counseling with me now... but he is just promising anything he can right now for me to be ok with him again.
I think time will tell.. and I expect it to tell the same ole story. I can call and ask about counseling and what my insurance covers, I can go to church.... I guess I can do all those things knowing that he won't follow through.. and when he doesn't, which he won't.. his energy only lasts for so long because the true intent isn't real... then I'll continue to know and be convinced.. which I already am that divorce will be the best option.
I do not plan to stuff my anger anymore.. to have peace, like he wants.. he always gets me to the place where I do that... instead of being open about what I think and how I feel, I deny myself so he won't get mad and be unloving.. I am just waiting for him to fail. I want him to fail. Because I don't want to live like this anymore.
I don't want to be alone or single. But I can't stop being who I am. I cannot let my self esteem continue to suffer in the face of his selfishness. Is there hope? Only you know God. I am fearfully reliant on you because I am not able... I want your will in my life. I am broken.
I am searching for peace. I could just give into the lie that I had believed over and over again.. that everything will be different now, that he really wants and loves me... but too many times.. too many times he has made promises that he'll never do it again (call me degrading and mean names, and abusive to me).. at which times he promised every time not to do it again, that he didn't mean it.. only to do it again.
Now he wants me to be ok, to stop bringing it up, to stop being angry, to believe his lies... to love him... and I can't do it. My heart shield rings.. "red alert".. and says its time to protect yourself.
I don't know where to go from here. I am searching for peace or understanding in the midst of the confusion and pain... I tell him I want to leave, that it cannot be fixed, that I warned him what would happen and he made his choice. He made his choice.. to give me up and his child up for a moment of lust.
He minimizes it, he won't really admit what he did wrong though he apologizes everyday. I am still trying to make sense of what I am feeling. I do not want to forgive, I do not want to forget.. because then I'll be back on the same ole roller coaster of forgiving, having hope, being crushed.. over and over. Yet I am still trying to figure it all out.. his heart motives.. his lies.. his desires.. I am still trying to process it all. Thoughts like.. am I attractive? Does he really find me attractive? Am I just a safe place for him? He is trying to show passion for me.. but I don't believe it.. should I? Should I just let him lie to me and wait until he thinks its all ok and let the efforts on his part die down so that he can show the true self and go back to the unloving way he was ... then strike? Like leave. I think I should leave, but this is going to take planning. I have just started to work again and its going to take time to get money again to move out.. where can I move? Can I find a place with shot credit? What are the details, like moving costs.. how will I do it? What about my kids, what about my future life alone again? I cannot tolerate being alone. But.. there will be peace.. will there be? I told myself that the first marriage I left... but I became consumed with loneliness. I sometimes just crave peace and being away from him, from the abuse, from the lies. I want to join a gym but the one here in town doesn't take infants the age...
But then I think.. is there hope? Can I be happy with him.. is it possible to feel loved by him again? Anything is possible, but is it probable is the question. He says he'll go to church with me now, to counseling with me now... but he is just promising anything he can right now for me to be ok with him again.
I think time will tell.. and I expect it to tell the same ole story. I can call and ask about counseling and what my insurance covers, I can go to church.... I guess I can do all those things knowing that he won't follow through.. and when he doesn't, which he won't.. his energy only lasts for so long because the true intent isn't real... then I'll continue to know and be convinced.. which I already am that divorce will be the best option.
I do not plan to stuff my anger anymore.. to have peace, like he wants.. he always gets me to the place where I do that... instead of being open about what I think and how I feel, I deny myself so he won't get mad and be unloving.. I am just waiting for him to fail. I want him to fail. Because I don't want to live like this anymore.
I don't want to be alone or single. But I can't stop being who I am. I cannot let my self esteem continue to suffer in the face of his selfishness. Is there hope? Only you know God. I am fearfully reliant on you because I am not able... I want your will in my life. I am broken.
