"Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."
It's been quite the week, and it seems to be dragging. I can't seem to focus or not be stressed at work. So I took some hours off this morning even though I feel guilty about it. I just have so many things that I need to spend time with God and in thought.
My brother's new father in law passed away in a helicopter crash this week. He just conducted the married my brother and his daughter less than a month ago. He was only 47 and left behind his wife, my brother's wife, and a 6 year old son as well.
I also found out that I was not accepted into graduate school. I am glad to finally know, even though it came as a shock to me. From what they said, I applied too late (3rd batch of last minute applicatants), although in that of course it means that I was less qualified than the others.
I have some disappointment, but mostly first struggled with wondering how I could have been so sure on what God wanted, to find out it wasn't. Although after looking at it for the last few days, I know this is where God wants me. I don't know why, but this is it. I waited, I saught His face, His glory. To the best of my limited ability. He said no (ot nor right now).
Oh how small I am, how great He is! His understanding no one can fathom. If I surrender my life, I have given it, then here I am on His request, not my desire.
The idea of more waiting is hard for me to swallow. I ask in God's faithfulness, He will grant me strength to continue to wait on Him. Has He not always been faithful? Is He any less faithful because I do not understand? Certainly not. Abraham was not a father of many nations because of His own strength, but because He was righteous is God's eyes. God gave him Himself, which is what we, as Christians have. We then either cultivate our relationship with Him, or fail to see it's significance. As His follower, I must not perish when the burden is heavy. Or, as in now, God has not taken me down the path that I thought He wanted. Or yes He did, but His outcome for the situation was different than my outcome. Our ways our not His ways.
I may be limited in understanding, but He is not. Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness. So trust is essential to please God. If we always need to know to obey, then we will not be able to obey. We want God to come to our level and tell us what is up, or we dig out feet in and turn away. God is loves, but His ways our higher than ours. Who can comprehend them?
In my darkness (in terms of not sure what is next), I must not put God in a box and say, "I will seek my own way. Surely God has failed, He has not been faithful." Perhaps He is saying, "Be still, and know that I am God. Will you follow me when you cannot see? Will you trust even if you do not know, or if it goes against the way you think is right?" My relationship with God is not one of convenience-love Him when I get my way or things work out the way that I understand, or stomp off with an attitude when it doesn't go that way.
I am here because God wills me to be here. In this I will continue to wait to seek His face and wait upon Him. Life is not about me getting what I want. It is where it takes me with Christ.
So in saying all this, I have felt like God has slain me, but He has not. He has continued to bless me with peace and with clarity about needing to trust Him and wisdom in knowing that right now, this is where God has placed me. I haven't yet figured out how to proceed.
This is year 3 that I have attempted to move, make a change, and it has been so far prevented. The first time I knew I was leaving for the wrong reasons. I have not felt that since, yet the way has been barred. I have been praying that if I am to be here, that God would open the reason as to why. As it stands now, something does need to change. I need to leave my job, and that is the only thing I can really do here unless I find some other field. Or move to a bigger city in the state. My plan right now is to look at other jobs in WA. I want something comparable, but am finding that is hard. Praying about being willing to take a step backwards and work in direct care and then move up hopefully again wherever I go. I also am contemplating re-applying to the school at the end of the year, but if accepted, I would still need to wait until next fall before I could start. I feel that perhaps God does have school in mind for me, but it wasn't this time. Or perhaps He wants to use my abilities someplace else, and not take the career route.
My heart is steadfast because I know in whom I trust. I don't have any clear direction or answers, but somehow I'll get there. I am confident in this. My inibility to see what is next is the hardest thing, or to even sort out where do I start. My inability to focus and stress at work is what is difficult at the moment.
If prayers, I desire wisdom and clarity to know what is next for me. I know God has something for me, waiting to figure it out is the hard part! I desire that I continue to trust God in this, turn my eyes from myself, to be able to surrender in any way that He asks of me. Prayers for my brother and his wife and her family.
I just have to say: even though I am walking in the dark because nothing is known to me at the moment except that God has given me a new day each day, I am walking in the sun with Christ. All all may be unknown, but as I said, I know in whom I trust. And I am eager to continue this journey with Him.
Bfp
It's been quite the week, and it seems to be dragging. I can't seem to focus or not be stressed at work. So I took some hours off this morning even though I feel guilty about it. I just have so many things that I need to spend time with God and in thought.
My brother's new father in law passed away in a helicopter crash this week. He just conducted the married my brother and his daughter less than a month ago. He was only 47 and left behind his wife, my brother's wife, and a 6 year old son as well.
I also found out that I was not accepted into graduate school. I am glad to finally know, even though it came as a shock to me. From what they said, I applied too late (3rd batch of last minute applicatants), although in that of course it means that I was less qualified than the others.
I have some disappointment, but mostly first struggled with wondering how I could have been so sure on what God wanted, to find out it wasn't. Although after looking at it for the last few days, I know this is where God wants me. I don't know why, but this is it. I waited, I saught His face, His glory. To the best of my limited ability. He said no (ot nor right now).
Oh how small I am, how great He is! His understanding no one can fathom. If I surrender my life, I have given it, then here I am on His request, not my desire.
The idea of more waiting is hard for me to swallow. I ask in God's faithfulness, He will grant me strength to continue to wait on Him. Has He not always been faithful? Is He any less faithful because I do not understand? Certainly not. Abraham was not a father of many nations because of His own strength, but because He was righteous is God's eyes. God gave him Himself, which is what we, as Christians have. We then either cultivate our relationship with Him, or fail to see it's significance. As His follower, I must not perish when the burden is heavy. Or, as in now, God has not taken me down the path that I thought He wanted. Or yes He did, but His outcome for the situation was different than my outcome. Our ways our not His ways.
I may be limited in understanding, but He is not. Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness. So trust is essential to please God. If we always need to know to obey, then we will not be able to obey. We want God to come to our level and tell us what is up, or we dig out feet in and turn away. God is loves, but His ways our higher than ours. Who can comprehend them?
In my darkness (in terms of not sure what is next), I must not put God in a box and say, "I will seek my own way. Surely God has failed, He has not been faithful." Perhaps He is saying, "Be still, and know that I am God. Will you follow me when you cannot see? Will you trust even if you do not know, or if it goes against the way you think is right?" My relationship with God is not one of convenience-love Him when I get my way or things work out the way that I understand, or stomp off with an attitude when it doesn't go that way.
I am here because God wills me to be here. In this I will continue to wait to seek His face and wait upon Him. Life is not about me getting what I want. It is where it takes me with Christ.
So in saying all this, I have felt like God has slain me, but He has not. He has continued to bless me with peace and with clarity about needing to trust Him and wisdom in knowing that right now, this is where God has placed me. I haven't yet figured out how to proceed.
This is year 3 that I have attempted to move, make a change, and it has been so far prevented. The first time I knew I was leaving for the wrong reasons. I have not felt that since, yet the way has been barred. I have been praying that if I am to be here, that God would open the reason as to why. As it stands now, something does need to change. I need to leave my job, and that is the only thing I can really do here unless I find some other field. Or move to a bigger city in the state. My plan right now is to look at other jobs in WA. I want something comparable, but am finding that is hard. Praying about being willing to take a step backwards and work in direct care and then move up hopefully again wherever I go. I also am contemplating re-applying to the school at the end of the year, but if accepted, I would still need to wait until next fall before I could start. I feel that perhaps God does have school in mind for me, but it wasn't this time. Or perhaps He wants to use my abilities someplace else, and not take the career route.
My heart is steadfast because I know in whom I trust. I don't have any clear direction or answers, but somehow I'll get there. I am confident in this. My inibility to see what is next is the hardest thing, or to even sort out where do I start. My inability to focus and stress at work is what is difficult at the moment.
If prayers, I desire wisdom and clarity to know what is next for me. I know God has something for me, waiting to figure it out is the hard part! I desire that I continue to trust God in this, turn my eyes from myself, to be able to surrender in any way that He asks of me. Prayers for my brother and his wife and her family.
I just have to say: even though I am walking in the dark because nothing is known to me at the moment except that God has given me a new day each day, I am walking in the sun with Christ. All all may be unknown, but as I said, I know in whom I trust. And I am eager to continue this journey with Him.
Bfp
