twenty three

Twenty-ThreeI’ve got nothing. I want to write anther song, or poem, or something. Twenty three. I’ve never been more confused. No career, no real stability, no job. I’ve really amounted into a piece of something eh? What am I supposed to do? Nothing makes sense, nothing adds up, everything seems so far away, whether I look ahead or look behind. Its as if the ocean has swallowed me whole and there’s no shore for miles and miles in every direction. Me and my self-inflated floatie. Always talk, always dreams, there’s always plans of the future, but nothing ever happens. Talk is cheap, I’ve learned that one. Along with many other life lessons. What am I supposed to do? Maybe college? But, how will I pay for that and life? I need to do something, step up in some direction, start swimming, in some direction. I just hate to go the wrong way and drown. What is the right way? Really, how do you know that your doing everything right? How do I know that Bryan is right for me? How do I know what career I should choose? How do I finally instill in my own head the realities of life, and finally act my age? What is acting my age? How are you supposed to act at 23? Im no longer a kid, even though I want to be. I have to step up and take control of my life. How? I mean, how does that work? Why can’t someone just write a book, or give me an instruction manual with life? What am I supposed to do now? Im already miserable at 23. I wonder if he will think of me? I wonder if that love was genuine, and true? It dosent matter. I know he’s full of it all anyway. They were lines, simple lines that a lost little girl held on to with every inch of hope she had in her heart. Words that she built her entire life around. Now what does she do? How does she stop comparing everything to a life built on lies, falsehoods and dreams? Why should I dream anymore? I have been doing that since I was 12 years old, and where has it gotten me? Its gotten me in a ton of trouble, and even more confusion then I was involved with before it all started. Why can’t I just step up, take responsibility for myself completely? Its as if I’m torn between adulthood and childhood. Confused as to which way I am supposed to go. Scared to let go of the last inkling of childhood I have, and even more petrified to move forward into a world that can easily eat me alive. Not to mention, I’m turning 23. A month after this, bryan will be turning 29. There is still so much I have to learn, and yet so much he has already learned. We are so different but so alike. How will this work in 5 to 10 years? So many doubts run through my head right now. Isnt that bad? What about God? Bryan is catholic, and I am Baptist. Can I shed my roots and attempt something completely different then I’ve ever been taught? Can we really make things work like we talk about? Is it really that simple? Why do I have so many questions, and when will they not be unanswered questions? Maybe I need a psychic? Or a shawmen, or a priest. Why do is the future such a scary thing? I’d rather re-live my past then continue to into the future. What does it hold? Tomorrow is another day, yes. But that day can bring anything to the table, and emotion can be struck at any moment in time. I’ve been seriously thinking about going to a shrink, and being put on some meds to maybe keep me a little more sane. That’s scary too, is that the right move to make? Will it change who I am? Should I just continue to smoke as my medicine?Oh well. Tomorrow is simply another day right?