I had started here on Christian Forums with big trouble. But I seem to be falling into a different kind. More emotional. I am impatient, angry, bitter, resentful, paranoid.
I have taken to cursing and swearing constantly to express my anger. The other day I was so angry at the driver tailgating me I flipped him off. Why? Because I am concerned for health and safety on the road, I have seen what can happen when you drive stupid, and I don't want their engine taking off my children's heads! I am infuriated at the casual approach to driving. However, my approach has been exaggerated of late. It's like I am someone else. I would think these thoughts before, but never expressed them. Well, not for a long time anyway. Like so many areas in my life the balls are dropping. I finally quit smoking, and I feel that God got me here (no patches, nothing for ten months- and I tried for a few years to quit), but the doc says I may be still enduring withdrawals.
That aside, I am broken inside by a family that is so divided, I am nothing to any of them anymore. It was my worst fear to lose my sisters, my parents, but the division has taken over. In order for me to have any chance of reconciliation, I will have to yet again take all the blame and admit I am the reason everyone is rejecting me. (Truth is, I don't think they want my apology or anything at all to do with me- I'm not sure even taking all the blame would help at this stage) But I really don't think I have done anything wrong. I think they want me to say I did for some power trip or something. My Mother withholds her affection, and can't stand to be around me. My Dad doesn't give two cents about me unless it impacts my mother.
Luckily, my relationship with my husband and kids is going fairly well. But I am broken-hearted all the time. I feel ineffective, and I am not successful in anything I do. School is going terribly, to the point where I think I am INCAPABLE of succeeding at it. I know this sounds incredibly self-pitying, and I am sorry for that. I hate that- but it's where I am right now.
I found a nice church, but I haven't been back- theology-....
One day, I was in the shower, balling, begging God to help me, again, and for the first time, I felt like a baby being wrapped up in a blanket and held. The feeling left fairly quickly- but I wonder if God is telling me He is still there?
I have taken to cursing and swearing constantly to express my anger. The other day I was so angry at the driver tailgating me I flipped him off. Why? Because I am concerned for health and safety on the road, I have seen what can happen when you drive stupid, and I don't want their engine taking off my children's heads! I am infuriated at the casual approach to driving. However, my approach has been exaggerated of late. It's like I am someone else. I would think these thoughts before, but never expressed them. Well, not for a long time anyway. Like so many areas in my life the balls are dropping. I finally quit smoking, and I feel that God got me here (no patches, nothing for ten months- and I tried for a few years to quit), but the doc says I may be still enduring withdrawals.
That aside, I am broken inside by a family that is so divided, I am nothing to any of them anymore. It was my worst fear to lose my sisters, my parents, but the division has taken over. In order for me to have any chance of reconciliation, I will have to yet again take all the blame and admit I am the reason everyone is rejecting me. (Truth is, I don't think they want my apology or anything at all to do with me- I'm not sure even taking all the blame would help at this stage) But I really don't think I have done anything wrong. I think they want me to say I did for some power trip or something. My Mother withholds her affection, and can't stand to be around me. My Dad doesn't give two cents about me unless it impacts my mother.
Luckily, my relationship with my husband and kids is going fairly well. But I am broken-hearted all the time. I feel ineffective, and I am not successful in anything I do. School is going terribly, to the point where I think I am INCAPABLE of succeeding at it. I know this sounds incredibly self-pitying, and I am sorry for that. I hate that- but it's where I am right now.
I found a nice church, but I haven't been back- theology-....
One day, I was in the shower, balling, begging God to help me, again, and for the first time, I felt like a baby being wrapped up in a blanket and held. The feeling left fairly quickly- but I wonder if God is telling me He is still there?
